College is expensive, and you can’t have the same attitude you did in high school or school life because if you fail something, you have to take it again at your own expense. So, before you go to college, ask yourself that are you there to drink and meet girls, or are you there to obtain a degree that will help shape your profession for the rest of your life. Since you are digging in, we have come up with these funniest college jokes to help you sail through these days.
Choosing a program is one of the most important things so go for something that will help you find a sustainable job that you’ll enjoy. You may be wondering, “How do I try to get the career I’ll enjoy if I don’t know what I’ll enjoy because I’ve never had the job?” In such situations, you need mentors, real-world experience, and educate yourself about different career paths by talking to as many people as possible. Best of luck!
Funny College Jokes
What do fish study in college?
What similarities do mashed potatoes have with an online college degree?
If it ends up on your wall, you’re probably retarded.
What do you call college roommates who cannot afford to pay electric bills?
The darkest days of their lives.
What do you call a Marine who went to college?
What did the music thief do in college?
What do you call hiking college students in the United States?
The walking debt.
What does a college cannibal eat?
What did the college professor say when the student asked “Is this the course for communication?”
“Yeah, that’s dis-course.”
What did the student say after graduation?
Thank you, student loan, for helping me through college. I don’t think I can ever repay you.
What do college students travel on if pilgrims travel on the Mayflower?
An elite girl’s college’s headmistress was educating students on sexual morality…… “Ask yourself one question in moments of temptation,” she advised the class, “is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
She got so furious when one of the students got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”
What inspired the drug dealer to attend college?
To get his degree in meth-ematics.
Why pushed the dog to go to college?
To get its pedigree.
A thief recently broke into a university library and took $20,000 in textbooks.
Fortunately, the authorities were able to safely return both textbooks to the library.
How do you get into college?
Through the door.
What did the Ox say when his son departed for college?
The Dean addressed the students on the first day of college, establishing some of the rules.
“The female dormitory would be forbidden for all male students, and the male dormitory would be forbidden for female students,” he continues.
He goes on to say, “Anyone caught disobeying this regulation would be penalised $50 the first time. Anyone who violates this regulation for the second time will be fined $100. A $200 punishment would be imposed if caught a third time. Do you have any questions?”
A male student in attendance asked, “How much for a season pass?”
What do you call a blonde on a college campus?
What is the difference between college and kidnapping?
College is the opposite, they demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Why should you choose classes taught by heterosexual Canadians when registering for college?
They always give straight “eh”s.
What happened to the college kid living on a houseboat who started dating the girl next door? Eventually, they drifted apart.
What do you call a college student dating a midget?
He was nuts over her.
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A college professor warns her students of their final exam tomorrow.
“Now, class, I’m not going to accept any excuses for your absence tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a severe personal injury, illness, or death in your immediate family, but that’s it; no other justifications!”
A smart-ass kid in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if I said tomorrow that I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class bursts out laughing and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
Where did the hippo study for his college exams?
On the Hippocampus.
Why did the circle skip college?
It already had 360 degrees.
Why do so many nurses attend college at the North Pole?
It’s where the Icy U is.
Why are donkeys not permitted to attend college?
Because they already have enough smart asses.
What do you call two roommates in college cleaning each other’s room?
They were maid for each other.
At lunch, a college student asked to sit close to one of his professors.
However, the teacher made an arrogant expression to the student and added, “A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.”
“Then I’ll fly on,” said the student, smiling.
The teacher was visibly irritated by the cheeky response and vowed to do all in his power to fail the student.
He asked the student the most difficult questions during the oral test, but the kid answered them all brilliantly. So, hoping he might still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a difficult question: “You’re walking down the street when you come across two bags. One is made of gold, while the other is made of cleverness. Which bag do you prefer?”
“Unfortunately, I must disagree. I’d go with cleverness above money.”
“Everyone would pick what they don’t have,” the pupil replies.
The teacher becomes enraged and writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student walks away without even looking at the paper. However, he quickly returns, hands back his paper, and adds, “Excuse me, sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!”
How do you decide whether to join the Bard’s College or the Thieves Guild?
You just have to weigh the pros and the cons.
Why is it easy to get into a pirate college?
Because you just need the high Cs.
What was Spider Man’s major in college?
Why did the slave go to college?
To get his master’s degree.
In a McDonald’s, three recent graduates meet to catch up and the engineering major said, “Have you noticed the new wind turbines being built on the east side of town? As an experiment, they invited our students to conduct some stress studies during windstorms “.
“They also contacted us concerning the bedrock depth for foundations,” the geology graduate said.
“Do you want fries with that?” inquired the Liberal Arts major.
What do you say when a son in clown college sends his father a Thank-You letter?
A very kind Jester.
What do you do when a dishonest college graduate writes ‘PhD’ on his transcript?
I guess you could say he doctored it.
Where do college-age vampires shop?
What happens when one double-majored in accounting and dentistry in college?
Now they can crunch numbers and numb crunchers.
What is college feminism?
10k women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren’t enough female engineers.
A college student enters a bar slowly and orders a beer. He begins chatting with the bartender.
“What a day. Our physics professor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus,” complains the student. He adds, “If she wasn’t so drop-dead gorgeous I would’ve dropped the class already.”
The bartender looks at him and says, “So you could say she’s easy on the eyes, but hard on the pupils?”
What do you call someone working in a pizza shop through college so they could afford to eat something other than ramen?
They are kneading the dough.
What college did Michael Jackson go to?
Bringham Young University.
What do you call a vegetable in college?
How are June bugs like College Dropouts?
They sleep all day, they party at night, and after a month, you don’t see them anymore.
What do you study in music college?
A young man is about to start college and decides to bring his old dog “Blue” with him.
The boy leaves his family and has a fantastic first week on campus before realising he’s out of money.
He dials his father’s number and says, “There’s this lady on campus who can train dogs to talk, Dad. She claims that once we present the world’s first talking dog, we’ll be millionaires!”
Dad is pleased with the sound of that and sends his son $100.
Another week has passed, and the boy is once again without cash.
He calls his father once more and exclaims, “Dad! You won’t believe it when she says she can teach Blue to dance as well! She claims that once we present the world’s first talking and dancing dog, we’ll be billionaires!”
Dad loves the sound of that and sends the boy $100 once more.
Another week has passed, and the boy has once again run out of money. For the third time, he calls his father and says, “You should see Blue, Dad; he sings and dances all day. But that is nothing! The same lady claims that once we release the world’s first talking, dancing, and singing dog, we will be trillionaires!”
Dad likes the sound of that and sends the boy another $100.
Dad is busy lining up everyone in town to witness the world’s first talking, dancing, and singing dog as the boy prepares to return from school at the conclusion of the semester.
Dad calls the boy and tells him about the Blue performance he’s planning and how everyone is looking forward to his return from school.
The boy begins to fear as he considers what he will tell his father when he returns home.
When the boy’s train arrives in town, everyone is surprised to see him step off the station without Blue.
Dad inquires of the boy, “What exactly does this mean? Where is the first talking, dancing, and singing dog in the world?”
“Well, Dad, to tell you the truth, Blue never learned to sing,” the boy adds.
“What?!?” exclaims Dad. “How about dancing? Did he ever learn to dance?”
“No,” the Boy says. “He, too, never learned to dance.”
Dad is becoming enraged at this point. “Well, tell me he learned to speak at least?”
“Oh, he learnt to speak.” The boy stated. “He learnt to speak really well.”
“All right, then, where is my talking dog?” Dad inquires.
“Well, after he began to talk, all he wanted to talk about was how you, and he kept sneaking out to the neighbor’s house after mom was asleep!”
Dad takes a long look at his son and says, “I hope you shot that lyin’ son of a bitch!”
Why did one fail in college’s calculus exam?
Because he was seated between two identical twins and couldn’t differentiate between them.
When Chuck Norris left for college, what did he tell his father?
“You’re the man of the house now.”
How did the volcano graduate from college?
With magma cum laude.
What’s the best thing about college?
It forces you to have confidence. Like in high school you never had the confidence to walk in front of a moving car.
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A college student is paying a visit to their parent’s home. After a tumble, the mother smashes her head.
After that, everything appears to be fine, with only a minor bruise visible. The following morning, the college student inquires of his father, “How is mom’s head?”
The dad responds, “I’ve had better.”
Why did the student switch his college major from gynaecology to veterinary medicine?
After all, a hand on a bird is worth two in a bush.
What’s the difference between a camel and a college student?
Camel can go daaaays without drinking.
What do cows study in college?
A paranormal expert was speaking to a group of students at a well-known southern college.
She asked the audience how many of them believed in ghosts, and more than half of the students raised their hands.
She then asked the audience how many of them had seen a ghost, and roughly 20% of the students raised their hands.
When she asked if anyone had had intercourse with a ghost, one guy raised his hand.
The paranormal speaker said, “sir. I’ve been asking this question when I speak for over ten years, and you’re the first person to ever raise their hand. Please tell us about a time when you had intercourse with a ghost.”
“I’m sorry, I thought you said goat,” the man says.
What can you say about someone who doesn’t know what degree to choose in college?
Well, they have a major problem!
What subject did Dracula major in during college?
What do you call someone who got college degrees in Geology and Astronomy?
They’re trying to become a rockstar.
What do you call a person who pretends to be a college student?
A college athlete.
Johnny supported himself in college by working as a waiter in a restaurant.
“What is the standard tip?” inquired a customer.
“Well, this is my first day,” Johnny explained, “but the other guys said that if I earned five dollars out of you, I’d be doing fantastic.”
“Is that correct?” grumbled the consumer. “In that case, please accept twenty dollars.”
“Thanks. I’ll put it towards my education money “Johnny stated.
“By the way, what are you studying?” the customer inquired.
Why did the cocaine addict go to college?
Because knowledge is powder.
Why not put a post office close to a liberal arts university?
They’ll always argue over the male agenda.
Where did Jesus go to college?
Why do some never take art classes in college?
Too sketchy for them. They said that something drew them away from it
A young college student had spent the entire night preparing for his zoology exam the following day. As he walked inside the classroom, he noticed ten stands with ten sheets covering each bird with only the legs visible. He sat directly in the first row because he wanted to perform his best. The professor announced that the test would consist of looking at each pair of bird legs and recognising the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristics.
The student examined each pair of bird legs. To him, they all appeared to be the same. He became agitated. He had studied all night and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the angrier he became. He couldn’t take it any longer.
He approached the professor’s desk and exclaimed “What a ridiculous test! By looking at the legs of birds, how could anyone tell them apart?” The student then went out the door, throwing his test on the professor’s desk.
The professor was taken aback. He didn’t know every student’s name because the class was so large, so as the student approached the door, the professor yelled out, “One moment, son, what’s your name?”
The furious student pulled his pant legs up and said “You guess, buddy! You guess!”
What do you call the corn that graduated from college?
What do you call a homeless college student?
A philosophy major.
If Noah had a college degree, what would be his major?
Why did the communist friend fail college?
Turns out, it’s because he doesn’t believe in classes.
A college student approaches a farmer and inquires, “Excuse me, Sir, but I couldn’t help but notice some cottonwood trees on the extreme north end of your property.
Is it okay if I go ahead and harvest a few bags?”
“Everyone knows you can’t obtain cotton from a cottonwood tree,” the farmer adds, scratching his brow.
“Okay, Sir. I am a well-educated man who believes he can.”
The farmer lets him go, and the student returns a few hours later with two overstuffed bags.
“Sir, take a look. I told you I was well-educated.”
The farmer is taken aback.
A few weeks later, the same college student walks up the drive and says, “Excuse me, sir, but I observed some honeysuckle on the west end of your property, and I was wondering if it would be okay to get a few jars of honey?”
Farmer says, “Son, come on. Everyone knows that honeysuckle does not produce jars of honey. However, go.”
After a few hours, the student returns with two large jars of honey.
“Do you see, sir? I told you I was smart.”
The student comes for the third time a few weeks later.
“Please excuse me, Sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you have pussywillow on the far south end of your property.”
“Son,” says the farmer. Let me get my hat, please.
What’s a test tube with a college degree called?
A graduated cylinder.
What was James Brown’s favorite college?
A job interview conversation.
Interviewer: Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here. Interviewee: But I never went to college.
Interviewer: Well then, I’m sorry. You are underqualified to work here.
What’s the best part about clown college spring break?
Everybody can go to Daytona Beach in one car.
Why couldn’t the little mermaid get into college?
Her GPA was unda da C.
At the same time, two fresh college graduates enter the men’s room. They make their way to the urinals to relieve their bladders. When they are finished, one of them goes to the sink and washes his hands. The other is preparing to leave without first washing his hands.
Sink guy says,” They taught us at Harvard to wash our hands after using the restroom.”
Other guy replies,” They taught us not to piss on our hands in college.”
What do you call an IT teacher that touches his students?
A PDF File.
Why was Jimmy so excited to go to Clown College?
He got a fool scholarship.
Four college students were out late one night partying and did not study for the test scheduled for the next day.
They devised a strategy in the morning. They used grease and dirt to make themselves appear dirty. Then they went to the teacher and explained that they had gone to a wedding the night before and that on their way back, the tyre on their car exploded, forcing them to push the car all the way back. As a result, they were unable to take the test.
After a brief moment of pause, the teacher decided that the re-test will be held in three days. They thanked him and assured him that they would be ready by that time. They arrived in front of the teacher on the third day. The teacher explained that because this was a Special Condition Test, all four students had to take the exam in separate classes. They were all in favor because they had worked hard in the previous three days to prepare.
The Test consisted of only 2 questions with a total of 100 Points:
Your Name? __ (1 Point)
Which tire burst? __ (99 Points)
Choose the right option:
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right
What did the mushroom say when it got rejected from clown college?
“Why not!? I’m a fungi!”
What’s the difference between a shooting range and an American college?
About thirty thousand dollars a year.
Two girls in college, one from Georgia and one from Connecticut, will be roommates in Virginia.
They’re unpacking and settling up on move-in day when the southern belle asks, “So where y’all from?”
The northern girl sighs, “Well! I’m from Connecticut, where we’re taught not to end sentences with prepositions!”
The Georgian girl replies, “Oh, I apologize! Where y’all from, cunt?”
Why was the college kid rejected from every fraternity?
Because he was circumcised. Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.
Where do belly buttons go to college?
Two college students missed their math final exam due to a mishap. They both went to their professor the next day to defend their case. He was in good mood that day, so he let them retake it. He told them to return tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both arrived, he directed one to wait outside while he evaluated the other. So one enters, and the other listens with his ear to the door. The lecturer asks the following question:
“You are riding in a train wagon and you become warm. “What exactly do you do?”
“I open the window,” the student responds.
“Ok. That window is now 2 feet wide and 3 feet tall. The train is driving at 50 mph north, while the wind is blowing from the east at 15 mph. “How long will it take to replace the old air in the cart with new air?”
The student is visibly perplexed by this absurd question and just responds, “I don’t know.” As a result, the professor awards him an F, dismisses him, and summons his colleague.
“You’re riding in a railroad cart, and it gets too hot,” he says to the next student. What are you going to do?
“I take off my jacket,” he says.
“Ok. However, it is still too hot. “What exactly do you do?”
“I remove my shirt.”
“I understand, but it’s quite hot.”
“I’m just going to get naked.”
“Ok. But there’s a guy in front of you who is getting a hard-on watching you strip naked!”
“Professor, the entire train may fuck me in the ass, I’m not opening that window!” says the student.
Why did the sun not attend college?
Because it already had a million degrees.
How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One after a few YouTube tutorials
A Saudi royal is attending college in England.
“Dad, I feel odd driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates ride the train,” he texts his father.
His father responds: “I’ve transferred $500 million dollars into your account, son. Buy a train and quit embarrassing this family.”
Did you find these jokes about college students funny? Do let us know more puns in the comment box below!