Potatoes have always been the quiet heroes of the kitchen, sitting in the corner like they know every secret in the world. They’re tough on the outside, soft on the inside, and somehow manage to sneak into every meal without anyone complaining. If a potato had a nightlife, it would probably dress up as a French fry at Halloween, still tasty, just slightly terrifying
Now, when people start talking about dirty potato jokes, the spud suddenly takes on a whole new personality. It’s like that friend who looks innocent until the lights go down and the stories get wild. The potato that once made your fries now becomes the star of a conversation that makes you blush and laugh at the same time. And the best part? You’ll never look at a sack of potatoes the same way again.
Adult Potato Jokes
Friends are like potatoes.
When you eat them, they die.
Two cannibals sat around a campfire.
One turned to the other and said, “God, I hate my mother-in-law.”
His friend said, “Well the,n try the potatoes.”
A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?
The one whose sack reads “Idaho”.
What do you call a high person with Downs?
A baked potato.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
Three sailors are discussing their cargo.
They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so. This time, however, they’ve been tasked with taking 300 boxes of p*nis shaped potatoes across the channel, and they all think it’s a joke.
“We’ll be a laughing stock,” says the first sailor.
“I’ll never be able to live it down,” says the second.
“Let’s tell the captain that we’ve decided not to go,” says the third.
Headstrong, they head to the captain’s quarters to voice their displeasure and inform him of their decision.
The captain hears them out but ultimately disagrees and informs them that they’ll be going ahead with the journey.
“But we’ve got you outvoted 3 to 1” the sailors cried in unison.
“You fools,” said the captain, “you’re all forgetting one thing!”
“What’s that?” Exclaimed the sailors.
The captain stood tall and addressed them powerfully.
“That this isn’t a democracy…”
“It’s a d*ck tater ship!”
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head get divorced?
She caught him trying on her parts.
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Why did the potato smoke weed?
It wanted to get baked.
What’s the difference between a potato and a chickpea?
You’d never paid to watch a potato.
A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.
The muscular friend says, “Here’s what you do: next time there’s a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You’ll see – that’ll turn you into a chick magnet.”
A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and pointing.
The muscular friend sees this and comes over to his scrawny friend. “Dude,” he says. “You have to put the potato in the front.”
What do you call a potato that gets the gals?
A spud.
What do potato chips and feminism have in common?
They’re both full of trans fats.
What do you call Down people in a car crash?
Mashed potatoes.
A woman was cheating on her husband with 3 guys.
During one night, she noticed that her husband came home earlier. She told the guys to hide in the sacks. When her husband entered the room, he asked, “What are these sacks doing here?” The woman answered, “Well, my relatives came by and left these as a present.”
The man walked towards the first sack and kicked it. “Be-e-e-e!” – came out of the sack. “Oh, we can make some nice steak out of this.”
The man walked towards the second sack and kicked it. “Oink-oink!” – came out of the sack. “Oh, we can make some good pork chop out of this one.”
The man walked towards the third sack and kicked it. No sound. He kicked it again. Still nothing. Then he kicked it really f*cking hard.
“Dude, are you f*cking stupid? I’m a sack of potatoes,” came out of the sack.
What do you call an attractive person with Down?
Hot Potato.
What has more chromosomes than a human?
A potato.
A couple is getting ready for a Halloween party.
The wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and returns with a potato on his dong. The wife says, “What the hell,” and the husband replies, “Well, shit, if you’re going as a sour puss then I’m going as a dictator.”
What do potato chips and guns have in common?
When you bring them to school, everyone is nice to you.
What do you call Stephen Hawking after cremation?
A Baked Potato.
A man goes home after being fired from his job at a chip factory.
Wife is surprised because the man was employee of the month for 10 months in a row.
She asks, “What happened?”
“I got fired for putting my p*nis in the potato cutter. It’s been a dream of mine, and I couldn’t resist it anymore”, the man replied.
The wife, even more surprised after hearing what happened, asked if everything is okay with his p*nis.
“Yes, everything is fine with the p*nis”, he replied.
“What about the potato cutter?” she asked.
“She got fired as well.”
What sits in the corner of the room slowly getting smaller?
A baby trying to comb it’s hair with a potato peeler.
Do you know why you don’t put potatoes named Richard into government?
Because they become dicktaters.
This man was having dinner with his boss and his wife, and she asked, “How many potatoes would you like?”
He said, “I’ll just have one, please”. She said, “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.”
“Alright, I’ll just have one then, you stupid wh*re”.
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Two Amish women were out kneeling in the field picking potatoes…
The first Amish woman stands up, holding a potato in each hand, and looking at them says to the other Amish woman, “Yah know Anita, these pair of spuds remin’ eh me mah ‘usband Jebediahs’ low-hanging fruits.”
Anita responds, “Jus’ as big?!”
“No, no, no, NO Anita! … Jus’ as DIRTY.”
When peeling a potato be careful not to…
Spudnik.
Do you have a dirty Potato joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
