Dogs are loyal, loving, and sometimes downright embarrassing. They’ll greet guests by sniffing them in all the wrong places and proudly drag your underwear into the living room like a prized trophy. That’s why Dirty Dog Jokes are so funny because dogs have no shame, and neither do the people who joke about them.
If you’ve ever seen a dog hump a pillow like it owes him money, you know exactly why Dirty Dog Jokes exist. They take all the ridiculous, awkward, and slightly inappropriate things dogs do and turn them into comedy gold. Whether it’s their clueless innocence or their over-the-top enthusiasm, dogs provide endless material for jokes that are just a little too wild for polite company.
Adult Dog Jokes
What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?
A wet nose.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs with steel balls?
Sparky.
I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
If you’d like more details, I’ll be in my lab.
Two guys are walking down the street, and they spot a dog licking his own crotch.
The first guy says, “Man, I wish I could do that.”
And his buddy says, “Maybe you can if you get to know him.”
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming.
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The guy stammers and says, “Um… no… what happened?”
The neighbor replies, “We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!”
I named my dog “5 miles” so I can tell people I walked 5 Miles this morning.
I recently started jogging too. Things were going well, till I ran over 5 miles.
Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they can’t make a fist.
My dog is the most obedient one ever.
I asked him to play dead and he’s being doing that for 6 years.
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When this kid was ten-years-old, he saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked his mother what they were doing.
“Dancing,” she replied.
The first school dance he went to, he got expelled.
What is the best part about being an abortionist?
You need not buy dog food for a long, long time.
Did you know Hellen Keller had a dog?
Neither did she!
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
“Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?” asked the one.
“Well, not exactly.” His friend replied, “She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”
“Oh, I see, kinky, huh?”
“Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.”
What’s the best thing about dog-friendly pubs?
You can take a sh*t in the corner and nobody will suspect a thing.
Why are Chinese kids so good at math?
Because their dog doesn’t eat their homework.
Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs.
One says to the other, “I left my panties at the police station.”
The other says, “Let the dog have a whiff of your c*nt and he’ll go and fetch them.”
Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broom handle, and two of the inspector’s fingers.
What kind of dog is most dangerous when it comes to sex?
Raw dog.
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “Rob, you spoil those dogs!”
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog because he shuts up after you let him in.
A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, “Looks like you are having a bad day.”
The guy says, “Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend.”
The bartender says, “What did you say to your wife?”
The guy says, “I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again.”
The bartender says, “What did you say to your best friend?”
The guy says, “Bad dog!”
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?
Half a dog.
How do you show your dog that you’re happy and excited?
Wag your d*ck.
This man comes into a bedroom with a dog in his arms and he says, “See honey, this is the ugly cow I have to cuddle with when you have a headache!”
Wife replies, “You idiot, that is a dog, not a cow, are you drunk again?!”
“Shut up, I was not talking to you!”
It’s hard to gaslight dogs.
They can’t see red.
I went to a new zoo, but it only had one dog,
It was a shitzu!
The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, “What animal is this?”
“A cat!” said Lizy.
“Good job. Now, what’s this animal?”
“A dog!” said Ricky.
“Good. Now what animal is this?” she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, “It’s what your mom calls your dad.”
“I know!” called out Brad. “A h*rny b@stard!”
Dogs don’t have periods.
They have commas, because of the paws.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer,
Three friends celebrate with a night on the town. The day after, hung over, the three friends meet.
The first friend says, “I can’t believe how much we drank last night! I was so drunk, I blew chunks!”
The second friend shakes his head and says, “You think that’s bad? I got so drunk last night, I’m pretty sure I peed in my own backpack thinking it was a urinal.”
The third friend, not to be outdone, goes, “If that’s the worst thing that happened to the both of you, then you got off easy! I slept with my wife’s sister! My wife already found out and wants a divorce..”
The first friend looking deadly serious goes, “I don’t think you two understand.. Chunks is my dog..”
My girlfriend’s dog died so I got her an identical one to replace it, but she didn’t appreciate it.
She just kept crying, “What am I going to do with another dead dog?!”
I thought the kids were pranking me when they said our dog took a crap in my clogs.
Turns out it was a total Croc of sh*t.
Three dogs are in the waiting room at the vet’s, talking about why they are there.
The first one, a chihuahua, says “I’m the world’s greatest barker. I bark at everything. Non stop. You name it, I bark at it. My owner thinks if vet cuts my balls off I’ll stop barking, so here I am.”
The second one, a labrador, says “I’m the world’s greatest digger. I can dig holes in anything. My backyard looks like the surface of the moon. But I went too far and dug a hole in the floor. My owner thinks if the vet cuts my balls off, I’ll stop digging. So here I am.”
The third one, a great Dane, says “I’m the world’s greatest humper. I hump everything. The couch. The chairs. Lamp posts. But the other day my owner bent down to pick something up and I couldn’t resist, I jumped on and started humping her.”
“Oh,” said the chihuahua. “So she wants to have your balls cut off too?”
“No, I’m getting my nails clipped.”
What do you call a sl*tty sausage?
A thot dog!
What do you get when you cross an octopus and a dog?
A lifetime ban from the anime expo.
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.
There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive – soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”
The guy thinks for a minute and says, “Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”
What is something you can tell your dog but not your girlfriend?
“Come!”
How are women like dog poo?
The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.
What’s cooler than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
A lady walks in a park with her dog, Fifi.
It’s quiet, the dog is behaving, so the lady lets her off the leash.
Suddenly, as the dog is some twenty meters away, a huge mutt rushes out of the bushes and starts screwing her.
Horrified, the lady shouts:
“Fifi, Fifi, come back here!”
Fifi ignores her, the mutt continues his business.
“Fifi, Fifi, get away from this monster!”
Once again, zero response, the dogs keep at it.
The lady opens her purse and pulls out a dog treat.
“Fifi, Fifi, a cookie for you! Want a cookie?”
A gentleman passing by takes the scene and calmly says, “Ma’am… would you have stopped because of a cookie?”
What’s worse than losing at a horse track?
Losing at a dog track. It’s a real b*tch!
How do you know a Frenchman has been in your backyard?
The garbage is empty and the dog is pregnant.
The dog ate some Lego earlier.
She’s been shitting bricks.
A farmer goes to town with his dog to buy some supplies. While there, he ties his dog to a tree and goes into a bar for a drink.
The town cop eventually shows up and asks, “Is that your dog tied up outside?”
“Yes, why?” the farmer replies.
The policeman says, “I think it wants to get bred.”
To which the farmer responds, “No, no, I fed her this morning.”
The policeman clarifies, “You misunderstood. I think she’s in heat.”
The farmer says, “No, no, I tied her in the shade.”
Now exasperated, the officer leans in and whispers, “She wants to be fucked.”
The farmer shrugs and says, “Why didn’t you just say so? Go right ahead—I always wanted a police dog.”
What’s the difference between a blonde and a dog?
It only takes one finger to make a dog come.
What do Americans and Asians have in common?
They both love hot dogs.
There once was a dog who like to walk the railroad tracks.
One day he was a little too close as a train came by and it clipped off the end of his tail. Wondering where it went, he peered over the tracks and the train took his head clean off.
The moral of the story, never risk your head for a little bit of tail.
What do you call a homo police dog?
A Gay-9.
Two dogs were very curious about how humans made love so they hid under the bed when the owner brought home a girl.
Dog 1: Did you see that? She has only two teats?
Dog 2: Yeah, and his tail is wagging in the wrong direction!
I called my dog Syndrome.
It was fine until he started jumping up at people.
Little Johnny’s teacher said, “Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister’s.”
“Did you copy hers?” she asked. Johnny replied, “No, teacher, it’s the same dog!”
A man is walking in Central Park. He sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull and runs over to help. In the ensuing struggle, he kills the dog and saves the girl. Later during the investigation, a cop states, “You, sir, are a hero. Tomorrow, you’ll read it in all the papers: ‘Brave New Yorker Saves Little Girl’s Life’.”
The man says, “But I am not a New Yorker!”
The cop replies, “Well then, it will say: ‘Brave American Saves Little Girl’s Life’.”
“But I am not an American!” the man says.
The cop asks, “Okay, what are you then?”
The man replies, “I am a Saudi.”
The next day, the newspapers read: ‘Islamic Extremist Murders Innocent American Dog’.
What’s the best part about being an abortion doctor?
Never having to buy dog food.
What’s more useless than a three-legged dog?
A two legged women.
Do you have a dirty Dog Joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
