Jokes

150 Funny One-Liners for a Quick Laugh Any Time in 2025

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Jessica Amlee

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Funny One-Liners Jokes

One-liners are the comedians’ secret weapon, like a perfectly timed slam dunk in the middle of a basketball game. These jokes skip the long-winded buildup and get straight to the laugh. They’re sharp, snappy, and so compact you could fit a hundred of them into a conversation and still have room for dessert.

Now, imagine a group of friends sitting around, trading one-liners like they’re rare Pokémon cards. One guy drops a pun so good the others pause mid-chew on their snacks just to groan and laugh at the same time. That’s the magic of one-liner jokes. They create a moment where everyone’s defenses are down, united by the sheer brilliance (or cheesiness) of a single sentence. 

Best One-Liners

  1. The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.
  2. Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
  3. “DO NOT TOUCH” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille.
  4. My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list that I was making and now, I can’t read anything.
  5. If there’s one thing that makes me throw up, it’s a dart board on a ceiling.
  6. I don’t like people who take drugs, for example: airport security.
  7. I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel everyday.
  8. The thief who stole my iPhone could face time.
  9. Did you know if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg, you can actually hear them say, “What the hell are you doing?”
  10. It’s quite ironic that “strap on”, backwards, spells ‘no parts’.
  11. I was gonna tell a time travelling joke but you guys didn’t like it
  12. Why the hell did they name them ‘Soldier ants’ and not ‘Combatants’?
  13. The word “misread” can be misread as “misread”.
  14. My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name, so I called her Bluff.
  15. Man addicted to drinking brake fluid claims he can stop anytime he wants.
  16. “There are no words in the English language that have all the vowels in alphabetical order,” he said facetiously.
  17. Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe, but if you remove it, you get gravy.
  18. Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for the night, set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  19. Like most people my age, I’m 50.
  20. “I” before “E,” except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from weird feisty caffeinated weightlifters.

Recommended: Short Jokes

  1. I named my eraser Confidence because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.
  2. OK, just so everybody’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
  3. My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
  4. Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
  5. I read somewhere that playing white noise helps you sleep better, but I didn’t find country music helpful at all.
  6. My girlfriend confided in me she loves when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly, I’m not a fan.
  7. With great power comes a huge electric bill.
  8. I identify as Michael Jackson, so my pronouns are “he/hee”.
  9. People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
  10. If your Tesla gets stolen, is it called an Edison now?
  11. Every day is a D-Day, if you’re a stutterer.
  12. Water is heavier than butane because butane is a lighter fluid.
  13. I’ve heard so much about the “Eye Of The Tiger”, but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters?
  14. Nothing tops a plain pizza.
  15. Whoever called it ‘Dentures’ really missed an opportunity to call it ‘ ‘Substitooths’.
  16. Despite removing all the stains, I still lost my job as a Church window cleaner.
  17. An interviewer asked me how well i can perform under pressure; I said I’m much better at Bohemian Rhapsody.
  18. Quarantine has taught me you don’t need fun to have alcohol.
  19. Socrates literally only wants one thing and it’s f*cking discussing.
  20. Is it o.k. for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school, or am I just a terrible teacher?

Recommended: Corny Jokes

  1. The show “How I Met Your Mother” was just a really long TED talk
  2. To cut a long story short, I became a film editor.
  3. My wife has a weird habit of starting conversations by saying “Are you even listening to me?”
  4. I asked Tom Hanks for his autograph, but all he wrote was thanks.
  5. Tequila won’t fix your life but it’s worth a shot.
  6. Never take the ‘P’ out of a pirate….. as he becomes very angry.
  7. I accidentally bit the inside of my cheek and now it hurts like crazy everytime I sit down.
  8. The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backwards, it’s even more stupid.
  9. I once had a psychic girlfriend, she left me before we met.
  10. My mom asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party and that’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.
  11. I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park but it’s just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it.
  12. If I had 50¢ for every math test I’ve failed, I’d have $7.20
  13. Right now, both Mexico and Canada are bordering on stupidity.
  14. I’ve discovered I have a logic fetish, I just can’t stop coming to conclusions.
  15. I can’t see an end, have no control. don’t think there’s any escape and don’t even have a home anymore, so I thought, yup, definitely time for a new keyboard.
  16. When you tickle a man to death by accident, it is manslaughter.
  17. Talking to people about the benefits of dried grapes is all about raisin awareness.
  18. The man who invented autocorrect has died… May he roast in piss.
  19. Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.
  20. I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels, so I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism.

Recommended: Best Jokes

  1. I love Ebay….I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
  2. A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark, so in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
  3. I’m not bragging or anything, but I made six figures this year, so they named me the year’s worst employee at the toy factory.
  4. Went to the bathroom earlier and took a poo….not sure whose it was, but it’s mine now.
  5. I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
  6. Say what you want about waitresses but they bring a lot to the table.
  7. I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries.
  8. Today I went for a walk with a girl, she noticed me, so we went for a run.
  9. Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence, often goes undetected.
  10. You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
  11. Good punctuation is a sentence that’s well written and bad punctuation is a sentence that’s, well, written.
  12. Mike Tyson is such a religious guy, he punches people in the faith.
  13. Some rude kids on the bus just texted each other “I think that old creep is looking at our phones”.
  14. I have a pet tree…..It’s like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.
  15. To be frank, I’d have to change my name.
  16. I saw a Microbiologist today and he was much bigger than I expected.
  17. I tried cooking with wine yesterday for the very first time…after 5 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.
  18. The preferred pronouns of a chocolate bar would be her/she.
  19. My email password was hacked again and that’s the third time I had to rename the dog.
  20. Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.

Recommended: Bad Dad Jokes

  1. What has 4 letters, always has 6 letters and never has 5 letters.
  2. One day Canada will take over the world, then you’ll all be sorry.
  3. I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating, as she keeps insisting that she’s seeing other people.
  4. Last night my wife asked me if I wanted to dress up as a clown, hide in the drains and scare her but I didn’t really feel like It.
  5. I’ve asked many people what LGBTQ stands for but no one can give me a straight answer.
  6. Googled ‘how to light a cigar’ & got 80,000 matches.
  7. I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
  8. If America changed from pounds to kilograms overnight, it would create mass confusion.
  9. I wonder if the arachnophobia support group has a web site.
  10. Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
  11. Not gonna lie, I sleep standing up.
  12. When my daughter asked me if trees poop I told her that’s how we get number 2 pencils.
  13. My wife and I are both feminists. But as a man, I’m a tiny bit better at it.
  14. When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend and then I saw the next two letters.
  15. Shouldn’t tank tops offer more protection?
  16. A 9 year old girl has vanished after using a revolutionary new cream which makes you look 10 years younger.
  17. I got my parents a new fridge for their marriage anniversary, I can’t wait to see their faces light up when they open it!
  18. My current wife is never thrilled when I introduce her as my current wife.
  19. Everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
  20. I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof.

Recommended: Dad Joke of the Day

  1. If Snoop Dogg dies before pot is made legal nationally, he’ll be rolling in his grave.
  2. I have a chicken proof lawn…It’s impeccable.
  3. Humans are scared of hippos because they’re violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year, so that’s just being hippocritical.
  4. Starbucks isnt that expensive, when you think of how much Victoria Secrets charges per cup.
  5. My mom asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party and that’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.
  6. I got arrested at the airport because apparently security doesn’t appreciate it when you call “shotgun” before boarding a plane.
  7. There are Pop tarts but no Mom tarts because of the pastryarchy.
  8. Return of the Jedi, is not possible without the Receipt of the Jedi.
  9. Every year dozens of kids are sent off to mime school, never to be heard from again.
  10. Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.
  11. Before was was was, was was is.
  12. I’m finally going to live out my dreams, and show up naked for a test that I haven’t studied for.
  13. Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
  14. Never date a tennis player, love means nothing to them.
  15. I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
  16. The Police Officer told me he was looking for a man with one eye and I told him he should use both eyes and he’d find him a lot quicker.
  17. Turns out, a wooden stake to the heart, kills normal people too.
  18. “How many people does it take to change a light bulb?” is just one of the questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse.
  19. I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
  20. I hate it when I’m texting, I get rudely interrupted by a cyclist bouncing off my windscreen.

Recommended: Funny Joke of the Day

  1. I don’t know how to act my age, I’ve never been this old before.
  2. The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “Pints, Liters, Gallons” which spoke volumes.
  3. I’ve set out to lose 5 kilos this month, only 8 more to go.
  4. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
  5. My wife and I split up because of psychological reasons….She was Psycho and I was Logical.
  6. Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
  7. I’m a magician who likes to make cocaine and marijuana disappear by using a bunch of smoke and mirrors.
  8. Old relationships are a lot like algebra…have you ever looked at your x and wondered y?!
  9. Childproof your house as much as you want, they still get in.
  10. Imagine the Titanic with a lisp…. It’s unthinkable.
  11. At a job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure, I said no but I could have a fair crack at Bohemian Rhapsody
  12. If your parachute doesn’t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
  13. I am the greatest exaggerator in the history of mankind.
  14. I can’t remember the last time I smelled Chloroform.
  15. Some people have trouble sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed.
  16. Slightly peeved the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders” have not followed up with a body wash called, “Knees and Toes.”
  17. I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she called me up and told me I wouldn’t be able to make it.
  18. Never realised until today, that Karl Marx’s sister Onya, invented the starting pistol….
  19. Most people have 32 teeth and some have 4….It’s just simple meth.
  20. I just found out that my great grandfather was on the Titanic and as far as I know, he still is.

Recommended: Chuck Norris Jokes

  1. You can turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
  2. When I won the world’s best doppelgänger competition I was beside myself.
  3. My wife was furious with me today because I put a stick in a non-stick pan.
  4. Is it true that “an apple a day keeps the doctor away?”, or is it one of Granny’s myths.
  5. Most people hate when I stand in the corner of my psychiatrist’s waiting room and blow on them when they walk by, but I’m a fan.
  6. People who cannot distinguish between etymology and entomology, bug me in ways in which I cannot put into words.
  7. My math teacher said I was average which is just mean.
  8. I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.
  9. Piano is one of the hardest instruments to pick up.
  10. When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings, you know she’s a keeper.

Do you have a funny one-liner? Write down your best jokes in the comment section below!

About

Jessica Amlee

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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