Pirates were the rowdy troublemakers of the sea, sailing on rickety ships with torn sails and questionable hygiene. With eye patches, wooden legs, and parrots that probably insulted them daily, they roamed the oceans in search of treasure. Their accents were so rough, it sounded like they were permanently chewing on driftwood. But despite their thieving ways, pirates became the most entertaining scoundrels in history. And that’s why it’s Pirate jokes that keep their chaotic spirit alive, making us laugh with every “Arrr” and terrible sea pun.
Pirate jokes are as unpredictable as a ship in a storm. They throw grammar overboard, mix nonsense with sea slang, and turn even the scariest pirate into a bumbling fool. Whether they’re getting into trouble with their parrots or confusing maps with modern-day GPS, these jokes capture the ridiculous side of piracy. So, sharpen your best hook-handed gesture and get ready to dive into the silly world of pirate humor, no treasure map required!
Best Pirate Jokes
When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them.
In other words, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back.
How did the pirate get his ship so cheap?
It was on sail…
What do you call a pirate wearing a sombrero?
A sea señor.
A pirate goes to the doctor and says, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.”
The doctor says, “It’s ok, they’re benign.”
The Pirate replies, “Count again, I think there be ten!”
A pirate walks into a bar and it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?
They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.
How do people breathe when downloading movies from illegal websites?
They Res-Pirate.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Interrupting pirate.
(Interrupting pira…)
Arrrrrrgggh!!!
Do you know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes?
8 Pirates.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea.
Recommended: Adult Pirate Jokes
I programmed a pirate game, but users said, the main character looks not enough like a pirate.
There will be a patch soon.
Where do pirates get their hooks?
The second hand store.
Pirates are all rum and laughter until…
You start kraken jokes.
A pirate walked into a bar.
He had a wooden leg, an eye patch, and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. “How did you get that wooden leg?” he asked.
The pirate took a swig of ale. “‘Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons. All they managed to hit was my leg.”
The bartender said, “What about your hook?”
The pirate took another long swig. “Arrrr, twas the day the British navy caught me. They tied me to the mast, I escaped by gnawing my own hand off.”
The bartender was growing sceptical. “And how did you get that eyepatch?”
The pirate took another swig. “Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marrooned on a desert island. But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued. As i looked up, a seagull flew over and pooped in me eye.”
The bartender said, “That’s ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird muck.”
The pirate finished his ale in one gulp and grimaced. “Twas the first day with the hook.”
Why can’t pirates learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C.
What is it called when two pirates start dating?
A RelationShip.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
“Aye Matey!”
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Garden.
(Garden who?)
I’m garden the treasure!
A Native American, a Pirate, and a Frenchman walk into a bar.
The bartender walks over and says, “Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?”
What did the pirate call his non-seafaring girlfriend?
His land lover.
Apple has come up with a new revolutionary eye patch for pirates.
It’s called the iEye patch.
A GrammarNazi pirate is sailing his ship, getting ready to attack an enemy ship, when one of his men comes up to him and hollers.
“The cannons be ready, Captain!”
The Captain looks at him and says, “Arrrrrrrrrre”.
Heard about ‘Talk Like A Pirate Day’?
“How am I supposed to learn Somali?”
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrr!!!
What do you call a communist pirate ship?
The USS-ARRR.
Yo mama so flat, pirates can’t wait to get their hands her a sunken chest.
What’s a pirate’s favorite explosive?
M80.
What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?
“Shiver me timbers!”
Why is a pirate a marketing-employee?
Because he works’n’sails.
A young deckhand sees a pirate ship approaching from the port side.
He rushes to the captain and tells him. The captain says, “I need you to go to my cabin and get my red shirt.”
The deckhand is a bit confused. He asks, “Your red shirt, Sir?”
The captain replies, “Yes. If I get hit by enemy gunfire, I do not want my men to see me bleeding and give up the fight.”
The deckhand rushes to the captain`s cabin and gets his red shirt. The whole time he is thinking how brave his captain is, since he is worried about the men giving up the fight if he gets hit by enemy gunfire, and not even concerned about his own life. On his way back, the deckhand notices another pirate ship approaching from the starboard side. When he gets to the captain, he gives him the red shirt and says, “Sir, I regret to inform you, there is another pirate ship approaching from our starboard side!”
The captain says, “I need you to go to my cabin and get my brown pants!”
Why do pirates listen to opera music?
Because they love the high Cs.
What’s a pirate’s favorite element on the periodic table?
Gold. What the hell would they need argon for?!
How does a pirate greet a sea monster?
“What’s Kraken?”
To err is human.
To arrrgh is pirate.
A cat pirate walked into a saloon and wanted to fit in. Unsure of what to say, he stammered…
“M-meowdy parrrrrrrtner”.
What does a pirate say when his buddy gets out of jail?
“Long time no sea.”
A gang of pirates find themselves shipwrecked on the beach. Luckily, there’s a harbor nearby, and the captain heads in to barter for goods.
Naturally, the captain seeks out the first merchant selling booze and requests his finest bottle of rum.
Upon returning, the crew is aghast. “All you came back with is a lousy bottle of rum?”
“Aye, boys, the merchant says to me this here’s a magic bottle of rum. No matter how much ye drink, it never goes dry.”
“You fool! He hoodwinked you! There’s no such thing as a magic bottle of rum!”
“Ah well, no matter. Alls I traded him was a ship that’ll never sink.”
Pirates never shower before they walk the plank.
They just wash up on shore afterward.
If pirates say “Arr”, what do software pirates say?
.RAR
What were the final words of the pirate who died taking a piss?
R I P.
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Yarrbage.
Where do pirates get their cannonballs from?
Target.
What size coffee do pirates drink?
Regul-AAAARRRR!!!
A pirate wakes up on an island.
He sees that the sand is dark red.
He looks at the trees. They are dark red.
He looks at the ocean, the sky, and the birds flying overhead. All are dark red.
He looks at his clothes and skin. He is horrified to see that they, too, are dark red.
“Oh, God,” he shouts, “I’ve been marooned!”
Where do pirates store their computer data?
In an ARRay.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
A buccaneer.
How do you make a pirate angry?
By taking away the P.
Why don’t pirates drive on mountain roads?
‘Scurvy.
What does a pirate do when they get sick?
They go to the dock.
Three castaways – Arthur, Claude, and Oki – were stranded on an island for three days after their plane crashed. Together, they’ve been gathering food, water, and firewood in order to survive until help arrives.
Then one day, Arthur was hurriedly running back into the other two. “Hurry,” he said to them. “Hide yourselves. There are pirates on the island!”
“Pirates?” asked Claude. “Don’t be silly. They’ve been gone a long time ago.”
“No, really,” insisted Arthur. “Let’s hide before the pirates spot us!”
“Okay, let’s hide,” said Oki.
And all three of them hid behind a dense bush, waiting for the pirates to pass by.
They heard leaves rustling. Footsteps coming closer.
Finally, the pirate captain passed by.
“DVDs, DVDs, get your brand new DVDs here!” he kept on yelling while carrying a crate full of bootleg DVDs.
What did the pirate name his pet clam?
Michelle.
What is a pirate’s least favorite workout?
Planks. His favorite is chest day.
Which ailment are pirates most likely to suffer from?
Arr-thritis!
Who is a Christian’s favorite pirate?
Sinbad.
What do pirates say when they eat cookies?
“Chips, Ahoy!”
What’s a pirate’s favorite school subject?
Arrrrrrrrt.
What’s a pirate’s favorite body part?
The arrrrrm.
What’s a pirate’s favorite branch of the military?
No. The Navy you idiot.
What’s a red-flag when dating a pirate?
They won’t stop talking about their X.
What do pirates call their paintings?
AAARRRRt.
What do you call it when a Pirate updates their iPhone?
An iPatch.
How can you tell if a pirate’s dog is happy?
He gives his tail a little scalli-wag!
Where did pirates go ashore when they needed a haircut?
The Barbary Coast.
Jack Sparrow was talking to Forrest Gump.
Jack asked, “Do you know what a pirate’s favorite drink is?”
Forrest thinks for a second and says, “Hi-C?”
Jack shakes his head.
Forrest thinks again and says, “Oh, I know. It’s Arrrr-Sea Cola.”
Jack shakes his head again and says, “Rum, Forrest. Rum”.
What does a pirate say when he wins at chess?
“Checkmatey!”
What criteria did the irrational pirate use to select his first mate?
None. His decision was Arrrrbitrary.
What does a Japanese pirate say?
Nothing, he’s too busy frying the prane.
Where is a pirate’s favorite place to eat?
Arrrby’s.
What do you call a pirate who paints?
An arrrtist!
What did the pirate get on his report card?
Seven C’s.
A pirate stumbles into a tavern, and the bartender says to him, “Hey mate, do you know you’ve got a steering wheel stuck down your pants?”
The pirate says “Aye, it be driving me nuts.”
What instrument does a pirate play?
A guit-arrrgh.
What makes a Pirate angry?
When someone steals their P.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
CheddARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
Why did the two pirates get divorced?
They got into an ARRRRRRRgument.
What did the one-eyed pirate say to his wife?
“I have no eye dear.”
What is a pirate’s favorite wavelength?
700nm-1mm
Because infrared
cuz IR
Aye
Argh
What’s a pirate’s favorite camping treat?
M-arrrr-sh mellows.
What unit of measure do pirates use?
YARRRDS.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite vegetable?
Leeks!
Why do pirates carry a sword?
Because swords can’t walk.
You should always fear a pirate duck.
He has the power to unleash the quackin.
What do you call a pirate motorcycle?
An ARRLEY Davison.
What would a Japanese pirate say if you gifted him a bottle of rum?
Arrrrrrrrigatou.
What did the pirate name his lawn care company?
Yaaard Maintenance.
What did the pirate say while playing Wheel of Fortune?
“Can I buy an I?”
Which Star Wars character would make the best pirate?
Arrrrrrr2D2.
How do pirates save lives?
CP Arrrrrr.
Why is being a pirate so addictive?
Once you lose the first hand, you’re hooked!
What do pirates wear under their clothes?
Plunderwear.
What’s a pirate’s favorite non-alcoholic drink?
The Hi-C!
Did you know pirates are considered indigenous people in Canada?
It’s because they arrrr métis. For Riel!
How did the pirate win the world heavyweight boxing title?
He had a good left hook.
How do pirates have babies?
They Aaarrrrrrrrrrtificially Inseminate.
What is the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?
One buries his treasure, and the other treasures his berries!
What is a Prate?
It’s a pirate who lost an eye.
What is a pirate’s favorite Pokémon?
Arrrrrrrrrbok.
Where do South American pirates come from?
Arrrrgentina.
Why don’t pirates use painkillers during surgery?
Because the parrots-ate-em-all
What is a pyromaniac pirate called by his dad?
Arrrrson.
Why shouldn’t kids watch pirate movies?
Because they’re rated Arr.
What is a pirate’s favourite exercise class?
Yo-ho-ho-ga.
What’s a pirate’s favorite beverage?
Arrrreghhh-Sea Cola.
How many pirates does it take to change a lightbulb?
Avast amount!
How are all pirates born?
By sea section.
Who was the buffest pirate at the gym?
Captain Jacked Sparrow.
What’s a pirate’s favorite mode of transportation?
A carrr me matey.
What do you call a group of scary pirates?
A scarecrew.
What’s a pirate’s favorite knitting material?
YARRRn.
Which is a pirate’s favorite philosopher?
Aaarchimedes.
What do you call pirate bottoms?
Peggy.
Why do pirates like arctic forests?
Because that’s where they shiver their timbers.
What did the pirate yell when he got hit between the legs with a 2 x 4?
Me-narrrrrrds!!!!
Where do pirates go to play games?
At the ARRRRRRRRRRRRcade.
Why did the pirates carve uppercase letters all over their ship?
So they don’t capsize.
What do you call a pirate who’s also a drummer?
Ringo Starrrrrrrrrrr.
What did the pirate say when abducted by aliens?
“Arr lmao!”
Where did the scholar pirate attend school?
Harrrrrrvard.
Recommended: Lame Jokes
Why are all undead pirates bearded?
They had to trade in their eye patch for a soul patch.
What do you call a Swedish space pirate?
Hans Olo.
What did the pirate say when his Captain promoted him after pushing anchors?
“Aye! I got a raise!”
What kind of socks does a pirate wear?
It just depends on their wealth status. The rich ones wear argyle, but the poor ones usually wear yarn.
Why should you never take relationship advice from a pirate?
Because their ex always marks their spot.
Do you have a funny Pirate Joke? Write down your best ones in the comment section below!
Why don’t pirates get haircuts?
Their hair is to rough… they have coarse hair.