Soccer is one of the most exciting sports to watch because there is always something happening on the field. Players race across the grass, work together to score goals, and keep the crowd cheering from start to finish. Even an ordinary match can turn funny when someone misses an easy shot, trips over the ball, or starts celebrating a little too soon.
That is a big reason soccer jokes are so popular. The game is already full of funny moments that fans love talking about. From dramatic dives to over-the-top celebrations, soccer gives people plenty to laugh about. Soccer jokes take those everyday moments and turn them into lighthearted fun that players and fans of any age can enjoy.
Best Soccer Jokes
Teacher: “Johnny, give me a sentence with the word ‘indisposition’ in it.”
Johnny: “When I play soccer, I always play center-forward, because I like playing indisposition.”
What do you get if you cross a soccer player and a mythical puppet?
A centaur forward.
Why did the ghost Soccer team win all its games?
They were amazing at possessing the ball.
Soccer coach to newbie: “Basically, you kick this ball down the field and try to get it into that big net at the end.”
“That’s the goal at least.”
Johnny’s wife just left him. She says his life revolves around soccer, and she’s sick of it.
He’s quite upset. They were together for 7 seasons.
Hands down, Pelé was the greatest soccer player of all time.
Hands up, he’d be thrown out of the game as that’s against the rules.
Why did the soccer coach take his team to Olive Garden?
He wanted them to pasta bowl.
What do you call a boat full of polite soccer players?
A good sportsman ship.
Did you hear that Canada’s Professional Soccer team has made it to the FIFA World Cup?
That’s too bad eh, their parents couldn’t afford hockey equipment growing up.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Soccer.
(Soccer who?)
Socc-ser in the drawer.
Why did the soccer ball quit the team?
He was tired of being kicked around.
Do you know why Ronaldo always cleans his room?
Because he is not messy.
Which soccer team is the most masculine?
Man-Chest-Hair United.
Why is Spain so good at soccer?
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Why don’t you play soccer in the jungle?
There are too many cheetahs!
Life Pro Tip: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.
There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.
Why can’t Cinderella play soccer?
Because she keeps running away from the ball.
“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!”
“Who’s playing, son?”
“Austria-Hungary”
“Against who?”
Why won’t they let you wear glasses in soccer?
Because it’s a contact sport.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why was the soccer stadium so cold?
Because of all the fans.
Why’s it always hot after a soccer game?
All the fans left.
Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding. One guy says, “It’s ridiculous, he’s rich, but he’s 95 years old, and she’s just 24! What kind of a wedding is that?” The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”
“What do you call it?” “We call it a soccer wedding.” The first asks, “What’s a soccer wedding?” The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”
Why did the tiny ghost join the soccer team?
He heard they needed a little team spirit.
“Oh my God,” the wife said, smiling. “Our boy is kicking…”
The husband said, “Yes. That’s how soccer works.”
Wife says to her husband: “Choose, either me or the soccer game!”
He responds: “Give me 90 minutes to think.”
Why didn’t Jesus play hockey?
Because soccer is more popular in Mexico.
Yo mama so fat, her favorite soccer team is Hamburg.
A soccer player goes to the doctor and says, “It hurts when I touch my face, elbow, and knee.” The doctor says,
“You’ve broken your finger.”
What happens to soccer players who go blind?
They become referees.
A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite soccer team play and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn’t have tickets, so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird’s-eye view of the game.
After the game was over and his buddies asked him how the game was back in Mexico, he replied, “I don’t know why you all don’t think Americans are nice. As soon as I sat down, everyone turned around, looked at me, and started singing ‘Jose, can you see?'”
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
Why has soccer suddenly become so popular in America?
If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d bring my friends to the bar.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Goal.
(Goal who?)
Goal-ing to the soccer game tonight?!
What religion do soccer players follow?
Shintoism.
A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital.
The patients are going crazy in the cargo playing soccer with an invisible ball. The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes to the back to make them stop the noise. They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again.
The pilot asks the co-pilot to give it a shot at calming the patients down. The co-pilot goes in the back, the noise stops, and he returns in the cabin.
Half an hour later, the plane is quiet. The pilot is impressed and asks the copilot how he did it. The copilot replies, “I told them: soccer is not allowed indoors. You have to take it outside.”
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because halfway through, they get to switch sides.
Just passed by the prison today, and they were playing soccer on the field.
I shouted, “Pass the ball, I’m free!!”
Yo mama so fat, when she wanted to go to see a soccer match, she had to book the entire stadium!
Jake said he thinks he wants to take up acting…
Now he’s just looking for a local soccer league to join!
What’s the best US state to shop for a soccer uniform?
New Jersey.
A man is talking to his doctor about a recurring dream he keeps having.
“I keep dreaming about a soccer match between elephants and mice,” the patient said
“No worries,” says the doctor and gives the patient some medicine, “take this just before bed and you’ll have a dreamless sleep.”
“Ok, thank you, doctor,” responded the man, “but can I start it tomorrow? The finals are tonight.”
Why did the soccer player take so long to eat dinner?
Because he thought he couldn’t use his hands.
Correct the error in this sentence: Ronaldo play soccer.
Ronal does play soccer.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Annette.
(Annette who?)
Annette goal!
What’s the best animal in soccer?
A score-pion.
There was a soccer game in the woods.
The game was between the rodents and the insects. In the first half, the rodents were doing well, but in the second half, the centipede really pulled the weight of the insect team and ended up winning the game for them.
After the insects were done celebrating, the spider went up to the centipede and said, “you did great, but where were you during the first half of the game?”
The centipede replies, “I was putting on all of my shoes!”
What do Americans do immediately after winning the World Cup?
Turn off the Playstation.
A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.
14 Missed Calls.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Ben.
(Ben who?)
Ben practicing my soccer skills!
A nearby soccer championship was canceled due to rain and sleet.
So every player got a precipitation trophy.
Are people allowed to wear contacts in soccer?
It is a non contact sport after all.
During gym class, the school psychologist is observing the children’s behavior while they play soccer.
He goes up to a boy and asks, “Tell me, do you have a problem? Would you like to talk about it?”
The boy stays silent. He asks again, “Why aren’t you running around like the other boys?”
“Because I’m the goalkeeper.”
Many don’t just play soccer cause they like the sport.
They are just in it for kicks.
Which soccer player can hold 50 fish in his mouth?
Pele can.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Drew.
(Drew who?)
Drew the game into overtime!
Why did the tiny soccer player take a shower?
He was a little Messi.
The Hunger Games is like soccer.
Everyone runs around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don’t understand.
A soccer coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player, and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.
So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.” The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?”
The player thought for a moment, and then he answered, “I think… no… yes… I’m not sure… what about 4?” “Did you say 4?” the smiling coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, “Come on, coach, give him another chance!”
Two flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other, “You’d better pick up your game, Louie, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow”.
They should end soccer games with an art competition.
That way it would be win, lose or draw.
Recommended: FIFA Jokes
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, “1-0”.
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “It’s fart soccer.”
A few minutes later, his wife lets one go and says, “Goal! Tie score…”
After about five minutes, the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha, I’m ahead 2 to 1.”
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, “And she scores again!, tie score.”
Five seconds go by, and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “BinGOAL, I lead 2 to 3.” Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains really hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, “What the hell was that?”
The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”
Why does America have the best movie industry in the world?
In the rest of the world, all the best actors play soccer.
Yo mama so fat, when you were being delivered at the hospital, the doctor had to send in a rescue diver. He pulled out you, 11 other kids, and a soccer coach.
What did Goofy say when he got shot in the nuts by a soccer ball?
“F’yuck.”
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Kicks.
(Kicks who?)
Kicks off the soccer season with a smile!
Why did the politically correct soccer team never win any matches?
Because no offense.
What do you call a Greek soccer player?
Soccerates.
Why do Swedes not play much soccer?
Because too much socker can give diabetes.
A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.
The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.
“You know, you’re good as a keeper.”
“Oh? What brought this about?”
“Well, to start, you’ve been keeping me from scoring all night.”
Why was the dog bad at soccer?
Because he had two left feet.
What do u call 11 divers and a net?
A soccer team.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
August.
(August Who?)
A gusta go back to soccer practice!
Soccer is a strange game.
It is a bunch of people running away from their goals.
Why will the giant never win a video game soccer championship?
Because he only plays “FIFA fo fun”.
What do you call a zombie that plays soccer?
A Ghoul keeper.
Satan and St. Peter decided to hold a soccer game in paradise. It was to be hell versus heaven.
When everything had been arranged, St. Peter said to Satan, “Look, I can’t be dishonest with you. There is no way that your side can win. All soccer players are simple, pure people, and when they die, they all go to heaven. Heaven is full of soccer players.”
“I thank you for your sincerity,” replied Satan, “but don’t worry, we can defend ourselves.”
When St. Peter had left, Satan’s secretary said, “St. Peter is right – we will lose the game. All the good soccer players go to heaven.”
“Don’t worry,” said Satan. “Where do you think all the judges go?”
Why do soccer players hate shallow pools?
Because there is no diving.
What lights up a soccer stadium?
A soccer match.
Why do the French never perform ‘the wave’ at a soccer game?
Because, that’s a gesture reserved for use only in time of war.
How come the magician was so good at soccer?
He mastered his hat tricks.
Why can’t professional soccer players own a duck?
Because they don’t want a personal fowl.
A goalkeeper and a striker are arguing over who’s the better writer in their soccer team.
Their argument becomes so heated that their coach suggests that they do an essay-writing competition. The two teammates agree.
The next day, the two of them are told to spend 2 hours typing an essay on the team’s history and tactics on two old-fashioned desktop computers with attached printers. As the contest goes underway, the two teammates are on even ground, typing furiously and constantly.
One and a half hours into the contest, though, a short blackout hits their area, and the two teammates have to reboot their computers once the power goes back on. When the striker finishes rebooting his computer, he is horrified to see that ALL OF HIS WORK IS GONE. As he fumes about having to retype his work in less than half an hour, he sees his goalkeeper teammate calmly printing out his essay. Furious at the possibility that his teammate cheated, the striker complains to the coach and informs him that the goalkeeper could have been cheating because he didn’t lose any work in the blackout.
The coach laughs and says that the goalkeeper didn’t cheat.
“Why?!” asks the striker.
“It’s easy,” the coach chirps, “the goalkeeper always saves!”
Why is it okay for soccer players to feel anxious?
For starters, they have to many goals.
What runs around a soccer field but never moves?
A fence.
Yo mama so stupid, she thought the UFC was a soccer team.
How did the Jewish soccer player get hurt?
He Torah ligament!!
A group of musicians namely harpists, pianists, flutists and violinists form a soccer team. Who are the most important players and why?
Pianists. Because they are the key players.
What would Salvador Dali call his soccer club if he ever owned one?
It would have been named Surreal Madrid.
Why are soccer stadiums at risk of burning down?
Because of all the matches.
A blonde walks into a bar.
She orders a drink just as the bartender turns on the TV. The news is on and says six Brazilian soccer players died in a plane crash. The blonde looks like she is about to cry. The bartender says, “Oh, I’m sorry, did you know one of them?”
She says, “No but six brazillion sounds like a lot”.
Does anyone here like jokes about soccer?
I get a kick out of them.
Why can’t Pakistanis play soccer?
Whenever they get a corner, they set up a convenience store.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Uriah.
(Uriah who?)
Keep uriah on the ball!
Why is women’s soccer so rare?
It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
There was a friendly soccer match between the employees of Boeing and Airbus. How did the referee die?
He blew the whistle at the end so Boeing killed him.
Why are skunks so bad at soccer?
They just stink at it.
Two old men were holding up the queue outside the turnstyle before a soccer game while one of them hunted for his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets, his waistcoat pockets, and his trouser pockets, all to no avail.
“Hang on a minute, said the gateman, “what’s that hanging out of your mouth? It’s the missing ticket!”
As they moved inside, his mate said, “Crikey, Cyril! You must be getting senile in your old age. Fancy having your ticket in your mouth and forgetting about it!”
“’I’m not that stupid, said old Cyril. “I was chewing last week’s date off it.”
Why did the injured soccer player buy a big bag of salt after he blew out his knee?
Because he needed NaCl.
What is the most philosophical sports uniform?
Soccer Tees.
Why did Jesus play soccer on the wing?
He’s great at crosses.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Dozen.
(Dozen who?)
Dozen anyone in this village play soccerl?
Did you hear about the octopus that played soccer?
He had ten-tackles!
Why did the man go to the soccer game with a chainsaw?
To get athlete’s foot.
A youth soccer team that won gold at a tournament also stopped a thief that same day.
And he would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those medalling kids.
A Koala was really into soccer. It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the Koala National Soccer Team.
And wouldn’t you know it? It made the team!
It was so excited.
But the night before its first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe.
It got dis-koala-fied.
Recommended: Women Football Jokes
Why do you use your feet in soccer and your hands in basketball?
Because the ball won’t move by itself.
How did Scrooge win the soccer game?
The ghost of Christmas passed.
Why aren’t pigs allowed to play soccer?
Because they always hog the ball.
What do you call a baby potato at a soccer game?
Spectator.
Why did the soccer manager keep turning up to matches naked?
Because he’d lost the dressing room.
Who is the most famous soccer player from the USA?
Ronaldo McDonaldo.
Do you have a funnier Soccer joke? Write down your best jokes in the comment section below!
