Pirates weren’t just rough sailors; they were the original bad boys of the sea. With a mug of rum in one hand and stolen treasure in the other, they lived by their own rules. But let’s be honest—after months at sea, their conversations weren’t exactly family-friendly. That’s where Dirty Pirate Jokes come in, capturing the wild, unfiltered humor these scallywags probably shared below deck.
When pirates weren’t busy looting ships, they were telling jokes that would make even the saltiest sailor blush. These jokes aren’t about treasure maps or parrots; they dive straight into the kind of humor that would make a barmaid giggle and a first mate spit out his grog. If you’re ready for some high-seas mischief with a side of filth, you’re in the right place!
Adult Pirate Jokes
What do you get if you cross a pirate and a p*edophile?
Arrr Kelly!
Did you try out the new pirate dating app tind-arrrrrrr?
But it’s only for hookups.
What’s a h*rny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no b**ty!
Your mama so fat, when pirates spot her on the horizon, they yell, “LAND HO!”
What do pirates call pr*stitutes?
Land-Hoe!
What do lesbian pirates say while having s*x?
“Scissor me timbers!”
What bras do female pirates wear?
Sea cups.
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship, so he goes up to the captain and asks, “What do you guys use when you get horny?”
The captain replies, “There’s a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that.”
The guy asks, “Great! When can I use it?”
The captain says, “You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday.”
Confused, the guy asks, “Why not Tuesday?”
The captain grins and says, “Cause that’s your day in the barrel.”
What’s the difference between a Nirvana concert and a pirate o*gy?
Either you come as you are, or you ARRR as you c*m.
Are pirates ass men or t*t men?
Ass men. It’s all about the quality of the b**ty, not the size of the chest.
What if female pirates had boobs made of wood instead of peg legs?
It’d be weird wooden tit.
Recommended: Pirate Jokes
Yo pirate mom so fat, on her wanted poster they thought her weight was her bounty.
Why are pirates all s*xually frustrated?
Because they’re looking for b**ty but all they ever find is big chests.
A pirate goes to the bar, and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his cr*tch.
The bartender says, “Hey man, what’s with the wheel?”
So the pirate tells him, “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”
What did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his g*nitals?
He got a woodpecker.
What do pirates call a prostitute on a pier?
LAAAAAAAAAND HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
How are pirates and rappers alike?
They both say, “Yo ho!” And they both be lookin’ for b**ty.
Where do pirates smoke their weed?
The high seas.
What’d the pirate say when he found a treasure chest full of lollipops?
“Time to lick my b**ty!”
What do you call a well endowed pirate?
Long Schlong Silver.
Why do pirates spell thick as “thicc?”
Because twice the c means twice the b**ty.
Four pirates and a wench are sailing on a ship.
When the ship crash-lands on a deserted island, they realize there’s no way to repair it, and rescue is unlikely. They agree to work together—the pirates will handle food, firewood, and shelter, while the wench will… well, keep them entertained. Each pirate gets a designated day of the week with her.
This arrangement goes on for years until, one sad day, the wench dies.
The first week, the pirates say, “This is tough, but we’ll manage.”
By the second week, they admit, “This is bad, but we’ll survive.”
By the third week, they groan, “I don’t know how much longer I can stand this.”
Finally, in the fourth week, they reach a consensus. They just can’t do it anymore.
So they bury her.
What’s a pirate’s favorite kink?
Pegging.
What is a necr*philiac pirate’s favorite hobby?
Diggin’ for b**ty.
Why do pirates love str*p clubs?
Because they love seeing b**ty.
Yo mama is like a pirate, there she blows.
What did the pirate say to his friend Martin when he saw a pr*stitute?
“A wh*re, Marty!”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid…
If they had used a “G”, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
What does a pirate say when he gets kicked in the nuts?
“Menards.”
How is a pirate dick different from a regular d*ck?
‘Scurvy.
What do you call a Strap-on for Pirates?
A Peg-leg.
What is a pirate’s favorite body part?
Arms? You’d think it be an arm, but the pirate life is all about the b**ty.
Where do marijuana pirates operate?
On the high seas.
What does a pirate call his rear end?
His arrrrrrrse!
What did the pirate say to the bulimic pr*stitute?
“Heave, ho!”
What do pirate pr*stitutes specialize in?
Hookjobs.
Why did the pirate couple break-up?
Because he couldn’t give her a Arrrr-gasm.
What’s a pirate’s favorite vulgarity?
The sea-word.
What’s the name of a seedy pirate bar?
The Hep Sea.
What does a pirate say when getting his d*ck sucked?
Thar she blows!
What’s a Chinese pirate’s favorite letter?
L.
What was the Jewish pirate’s nickname?
Hooknose.
What do you call a female pirate who hates children?
Sandy Hook.
What does the l*sbian pirate say when she is scissored?
“Scissor-me timbers.”
What did the crew see when they looked in the toilet?
The Captain’s log.
Do you have a dirty Pirate joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
