Beans are small, round, and innocent-looking, yet they’ve caused more laughter than most comedians. They sit quietly in your meal, pretending to be humble protein powerhouses, but deep down, they know their reputation. Whether baked, boiled, or refried, beans have a sneaky way of becoming the main character in every funny story that follows a meal. They’ve earned their fame not just for their taste but for their aftereffects that tend to make any dinner table unforgettable.
Bean jokes grew from this long history of giggles and gassy adventures. People found that talking about beans was almost as funny as eating them. Over time, the jokes became a celebration of bean mischief, those moments when something so simple ends up causing so much laughter. From school cafeterias to family dinners, bean humor has stuck around because everyone knows the truth: when beans are involved, things can get hilariously unpredictable.

Best Bean Jokes

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.

Why do green beans meditate?
To find inner peas!

Most plants can’t hear,
Except corn, they have ears.
But that’s okay because most plants don’t talk… except beans. Beanstalk.

What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.

What do you call a restaurant that only sells beans?
A gas station.

Why should you never tell a taco a secret?
Because they always spill the beans.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Bean.
(Bean who?)
Bean a while since I last saw ya!

Where do beans invest their money?
The stalk market.

In the army they made us choose between beans and carrots
Peas was never an option.

How many beans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1 can.

A young vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian.
So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.
His father is ashamed of him and says, “No.”
The young vulture then asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner, but his mother and father tell him that he’s a disgrace to the family and should put these silly notions out of his head.
The son doesn’t give up, though. At every meal, he begs his parents, “What about a cucumber?” “How about a little lima bean?”
Eventually, the parents get sick of it and relent a little. His father says, “Fine! You can have a couple of peas with your dinner. BUT you have to eat all your roadkill first.”
The young vulture pleads, “But daaaaddd!”
The father replies, “NO! Carrion, my wayward son, there’ll be peas when you are done.”
Then he plays a sick keyboard solo.

At the end of the day, we’re all human beans.
Together we will rice. Now lettuce pray. Ramen.

Just got banned from the Secret Cooking Society.
For spilling the beans.

What do you call a been that didn’t sprout?
A could have bean.

What happens when a dinosaur eats beans?
A Jurassic fart!

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician join a study on scientists’ ability to survive in the wild.
All three are left in different parts of a desert island overnight, each with a can of beans but no openers.
The researchers come back in the morning to check on the scientists.
The engineer is sleeping soundly next to an open can. Once woken up, he explains, “Well, tin cans aren’t that strong, so I kept bashing this can against a rock many times until it gave in and opened up.”
The physicist is also sleeping soundly (albeit in an awkward position, like all physicists do), next to a neatly opened can. He goes on to explain, “You see, the tension forces created by the joints between the different sheets of metal making up the can mean that if you apply precise forces on a few pressure points, the can just plops open. You can do this without effort, even with your bare hands.”
The researchers then move on to the mathematician. As they approach him, they see that the can is still intact, while the mathematician is lying next to it in a fetal position, shivering and continuously repeating, “Let’s assume the can is open. Let’s assume the can is open…”

How do you make a Neato burrito?
With cool beans.

Looking back, I wish I’d bought my baked beans online…
Heinz site’s a wonderful thing.

A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
“My father grows beans,” said one girl. “My mother cooks beans,” said a boy.
A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”

You shouldn’t eat navy beans.
You might get a dishonorable discharge.

What’s a guitarist’s favorite kind of vegetable?
A string bean!

A man goes into a café and asks for breakfast done “my way.”
He says, “Can I get a full cooked breakfast, but I need it cooked my way,” he said.
“Can I have bacon that’s so burnt it’s blackened like pieces of chiseled anthracite?”
“Can I have sausages that are so rubbery you could bounce them off the ground and they’d hit the roof?”
“Can I have all the shell broken up through my scrambled eggs so it tastes like an egg praline?”
“Can I have the tomatoes, mushrooms, and beans so overcooked and watery that they just taste like greasy, congealed slime?”
The man behind the counter says, “Don’t be ridiculous! You expect me to have the time to do all of that for you?”
And the guy says, “Well, no, but you seemed to find the time yesterday.”

Jack claims that he can communicate with legumes.
Jack and the beans talk.

What do Japanese kittens take to school for lunch?
A bean-toe box!

Is anyone interested in my religion that worships pinto beans?
We believe they’re holy frijoles!

What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner?
The casse-role!

A woman goes to the doctor with a raspberry in her left nostril, a string bean in her right, a carrot in her right ear, and a banana in her left.
The woman says, “Doctor, I don’t feel so well.”
And the doctor replied, “Well, for one thing, you’re definitely not eating correctly.”

What kind of stockings do you need to grow green beans?
Garden hose!

Recommended: Adult Bean Jokes

Why can’t a farmer keep secrets on her farm?
Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk.

What did one bean say to the other bean?
“How you Bean?”

What plant do homosapien seeds grow into?
Human beans.

What sort of beans do they use in the Italian city of Pisa?
Cannellini beans!

A teenager was hungry, and his mother told him to find something in the kitchen to eat.
After banging around for a few minutes, he yelled, “There isn’t shit to eat in this house!”
His father heard this and went into the kitchen, saying, “First of all, watch your language. Second of all, there is lots to eat if you just look. He took his son to the pantry and pointed things out. “See, here are some noodles…here is some cream of mushroom soup…here are some dried beans…”
He then took him to the fridge and continued, “Here is some cheese….here is some yogurt…here is a banana…” The teenager rolled his eyes and said, “Whatever,” and stomped out of the kitchen.
Seeing all of this, the mother said to the father, “You know, honey, I really appreciate you stepping in and setting him straight. He’s gotten so negative lately. I’m really glad you did that!”
“I am too,” the father replied, “because now I see there isn’t shit to eat in this house!”

What do you get when you cross beans with a banana?
A tootie fruity!

If I ate beans and you ate beans how old would we be?
I’d be farty and you’d be farty too.

Why did the string bean insist on flying first class?
More legume.

What’s the difference between avoiding magma and listening to stories about beans?
One is “the floor is lava” and one is “the lore is fava”.

Recommended: Corn Jokes

Why are bean plants so close?
They have deep roots!

A grandfather went missing after eating several cans of baked beans….
As well as a whole head of broccoli, cabbage, eggs, a jar of spicy pickles, and all washed down with black coffee.
The family of this man have reached out to the media to make a very emotional appeal….
For the grandfather not to come home for at least a fortnight.

What do you call it after cowboys eat beans at high noon?
A toot-out at the O.K. Corral.

What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
“Have you bean stalking me?”

What’s another name for a Soy Mocha Latte?
3 bean soup!

Since pirates are on the water all the time, meat is scare and some are actually vegetarians.
They are called Pirates of the Carrot Bean.

A homeless man was eating a tin of baked beans, and this guy thought it was really sad, so he walked over to him and said…
“I think you’re supposed to open that first.”

Two green beans are crossing the highway when one gets hit by a massive truck.
His friend scrapes him up and takes him to the hospital.
Following hours of surgery, the doctor says, “I have good news and bad news.”
“Give me the good news first,” says the bean.
“He’s going to live,” says the doctor.
“And what’s the bad news?” asks the bean.
“The bad news,” says the doctor, “is that he’ll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

What do you get if you eat peanut butter and baked beans?
A fart that sticks to the roof of your a$$.

Recommended: Potato Jokes

What do you call a bunch of high Mexicans?
Baked Beans.

What kind of vegetable is jealous?
A green bean!

If you want to stay abreast of current affairs make sure you put a bean in your glove.
That way you’ll always have your finger on the pulse.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Bean.
(Bean who?)
Bean cooking all day.

Two baked beans were traveling around Australia, do you know where they ended up?
In cairns.

Where did the green bean go to have a few drinks?
The Salad Bar!

Why do beans fly south for the winter?
Because they don’t want to be chili!

Remember, at the end of the day, we all are human beans.
And together we shall rice.

Recommended: Cranberry Jokes

What was the name of the king who ate a lot of beans?
Tootin’ common.