St. Patrick’s Day isn’t just about wearing green and pretending to be Irish, it’s the one day a year when adults can drink like a leprechaun on a mission. Between the endless pints of Guinness and questionable dance moves, the holiday is the perfect excuse for laughter, mischief, and, of course, Dirty St. Patrick’s Day Jokes that would make even a shamrock blush.
And let’s be honest, after a few green beers, those jokes hit differently. Whether it’s playful wordplay or something a little naughtier, our St. Paddy’s Day Jokes bring just the right amount of scandal to the celebration. After all, what’s the fun in a holiday if you can’t mix a little wicked humor with your whiskey?!
Adult St. Patrick’s Day Jokes
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
Zero.
Why do Leprechauns laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
What’s the difference between St. Patrick’s Day and MLK Day?
On St. Patrick’s day, everyone want to be Irish.
What was bulging under the leprechaun’s trousers?
His wee knee.
How did Ireland get the potato famine and America get black people?
Ireland got first pick.
On St. Patrick’s day, a guy in an Irish bar goes into the bathroom to take a piss.
Next to him, there’s a really short guy, wearing all green, with a top hat and a pipe. He also has a huge dick.
The first guy notices and says, “I’d do anything to have a dick that big.”
The short guy says, “I’m a leprechaun. I’ll grant you your wish, if you suck my dick.”
The guy thinks about it for a minute, and being sauced, he agrees. He’s kneeling down, sucking the smaller guy’s dick for a few minutes, and then stops and says, “I can’t believe I’m sucking a leprechaun’s dick!”
The short guy replies, “I can’t believe that you think I’m a leprechaun!”
What’s the difference between a leprechaun and a hooker with 5 STD’s?
Well one of them is a cunning runt.
Why are all Leprechauns drug addicts?
Because there’s pot at the end of the rainbow!
An Irish man went to confession in St Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession… I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’ The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go and say three Hail Mary’s’.
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’ This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’ ‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied. ‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red-headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she walked up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly, just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’ The altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply:
“No Father, I think it’s just the reflection from her shoes!”
Recommended: St. Patrick’s Day Jokes
What do you call it when a leprechaun gives you a handjob?
A stroke of luck.
In celebration of St. Patrick’s Day, I know a drink that will knock the knickers off an Irishman’s legs.
An Irish Car Bomb.
What do leprechauns eat on St. Patrick’s Day?
Unicorned Beef.
A police officer stopped a man and searched his pockets. He found a bag of weed.
“What have we here?”
“It’s not mine officer.” He scoffs. “I’m serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket.”
“Bullshit.”
“Try me!” The police officer frowns but follows him as they head to the bathroom in this cafe. The man takes out the cannabis and flushes it down the crapper. The officer checks the man’s pocket and asks, “So where’s the bag of weed?”
“What bag of weed?”
What do you call a gathering of very sick Irish people?
Leprechaun.
Why do the Irish wear 3 condoms?
Ahhhh To be sure. To be sure. To be sure.
Why was the leprechaun at the gay man’s funeral?
It was the end of the rainbow.
Where do leprechauns live?
In a lepre-colony.
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.
One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.
“There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now,” says the dad as he shoots himself.
The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.
“I can’t live without my husband,” she says as she shoots herself with her husband’s gun.
The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead.
“I can’t live any longer without my family,” she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.
The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.
“Is there any way to bring them back,” he yells at the sky.
Poof! A female leprechaun appears.
“I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow,” she says, “if you can f*ck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you.” The boy f*cks her 3 times in a row and he dies.
The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother.
“I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow,” she says, “if you can f*ck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you.” The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies. The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer. “I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow,” she says, “if you can f*ck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you.”
The son says, “What if I f*ck you 10 times in a row?” The leprechaun thinks. She says, “I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold. The son says, “What if I f*ck you 20 times in a row?”
She thinks again and says, “I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion.”
The son thinks and says, “What if I f*ck you 30 times in a row?”
She thinks and says, “I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland.”
The son says, “Wait, how do I know you will survive it?”
“What do you mean?” says the leprechaun.
“The cow didn’t.”
Recommended: Dirty Leprechaun Jokes
Just had a dealer try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said ‘Made in China.
Obviously a sham rock.
What do leprechauns smoke?
Pot of gold.
What traits do autistic people and leprechauns share?
They’re both on the spectrum.
Why did the leprechaun wear two condoms?
To be sure, to be sure.
Mother Superior is in the convent when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, “Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?”
“No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent.”
“And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?”
“No, my son, I don’t believe there’s a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!”
The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, “AH TOL’ YE YOU’D BEEN FOOKIN’ A PENGUIN!”
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they’re usually a little short.
St Patrick’s Day in Northern Island.
Where going to a party to meet your crush has a totally different meaning.
What’s the difference between your s*x life and a leprechaun?
If you told that the leprechaun existed, one would believe you.
I was in a band called the Leprechauns.
We covered Little Micks.
A stoner finds a leprechaun who promises to grant only one wish.
Stoner: Alright maaan, uhhh, how about…. a joint of the best weed EVER that never goes out or burns up, and I will never gain a tolerance to it.
Leprechaun: A neverending joint, splendid wish. So great a wish in fact that I will grant you one more wish.
Stoner: Really, another wish, that’s awesome!
Leprechaun: Sure thing, whatever your heart desires.
Stoner: I’ll take another one!
Recommended: Dirty Irish Jokes
Irishmen usually start St Patrick’s Day drinking quite early.
Usually when they turn eighteen.
I was trying to catch a Leprechaun when he had a cerebral hemorrhage.
That was a stroke of luck.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 80?
Four girlfriends drinking on St Patrick’s Day!
I found the pot at the end of the rainbow.
Too bad the leprechaun had already f*cking smoked it!
Do you have a dirty St. Patrick’s Day joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
