Little Johnny is the kid in class who always has a cheeky answer for everything. Whether it’s a math question or a lesson about life, he finds a way to twist it into something clever, and sometimes a little too clever for the adults around him. Little Johnny Jokes are a hilarious escape into his mischievous world, where rules are bent, teachers are baffled, and everyone is left laughing at his wit.
His jokes are like mini adventures of rebellion and quick thinking. Whether he’s driving his teacher mad or leaving his parents speechless, Little Johnny Jokes capture the essence of a kid who’s just too smart for his own good. They’re short, snappy, and always come with a twist, making them perfect for anyone who enjoys a clever laugh.
Funniest Little Johnny Jokes
What did little Johnny’s mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity?
She grounded him.
A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY.
She turns to the class and says, “Today we’ll be looking at the word ‘definitely’. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement.”
Little Suzy raises her hand and says, “I am definitely going to the park after school today.”
“No, I would think there’s a good chance you’ll go to the park but it might rain so it’s not definitely.”
Little Billy raises his hand and says, “My team are definitely going to win the game this Saturday.”
“No, I know you really want your team to win the game this Saturday but wanting is not enough to make it definitely.”
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Miss, is there such a thing as a lumpy fart?”
“No.”
“Then I definitely just shat myself.”
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,” Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.” The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. “I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time.” Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out! They’re assholes!”
Little Johnny asks his teacher if she would punish him for something he didn’t do.
The teacher says, “Of course not!”
Little Johnny says, “Well I didn’t do my homework!”
A mailman walking down the street saw Little Johnny playing in a pile of shit.
He had it between his fingers and smeared over his body.
The mailman asked him what he was doing and Johnny looked up and said “Making a mailman.”
This pissed the mailman off. He went up the street, saw a fireman, and told him what the boy was doing and what a smartass the kid was. The fireman said that he would have a talk with the boy.
The fireman walked up to Little Johnny and asked him what was he doing playing in a pile of shit.
Johnny looked up and said “Making a fireman.”
This pissed the fireman off so he left to tell a cop. The cop said that he would have a talk with the boy.
The cop asked Little Johnny “What are you doing, playing with a pile of shit?”
Little Johnny looked up and said nothing.
The cop said, “I know what you said to the mailman and the fireman so why didn’t you tell me that you are making a cop?”
Little Johnny looked up and said, “Because I ain’t got enough shit.”
A teacher asked the class to write a sentence with defense, defeat, detail.
Little Johnny wrote: When a horse jumps over defense, defeat go first and then detail.
Little Johnny was at school when his teacher asked the class, “Jane, what did you do last weekend?”
“I went for a ride on a choo choo train,” Jane replied proudly.
“That’s fantastic!” said the teacher. “But you need to use grown-up words. Next time, just say ‘train,’ not ‘choo choo train.’
“Tim, what did you do last weekend?”
Tim thought for a second and said, “I went to Granny and Grampy’s house.”
“Oh, that’s lovely,” replied the teacher. “But remember to use grown-up words—Grandma and Grandpa.”
Then the teacher turned to Johnny. “Johnny, what did you do last weekend? And remember to use grown-up words.”
Johnny thought for a few seconds and said, “I read a book.”
“Oh, very good! What was the name of the book?”
“Whinny the Shit.”
The teacher asked little Johnny if he could write a song using the words “analyze” and “anatomy”.
This was Johnny’s response:
“My analyze over the ocean
My analyze over the sea
My analyze over the ocean
Oh bring back my anatomy!”
A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
“Yes,” he says. “My dad taught me.”
“Can you tell me what comes after three?”
“Four!”
“What comes after six?”
“Seven!”
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job.
What comes after ten?”
“A jack,” answers Little Johnny.
The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, “My daddy fell in a well last week.”
“Good grief!” the teacher exclaimed. “Is he OK?”
“He must be,” said Little Johnny. “He stopped calling for help yesterday!”
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.”
“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift.
She shook it, held it up, and said, “I bet I know what it is – it’s some flowers!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook i,t and said. “I bet I know what it is – it’s a box of candy!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son, Little Johnny.
The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.
She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
“Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
“Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No,” he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, “I give up. What is it?”
Little Johnny replied, “A puppy!”
Little Johnny is called into the principal’s office.
The Principal said, “Johnny the essay you handed in titled ‘my dog’ is the exact same as the one your sister wrote last year. Can you please explain why they are identical?”
Johnny replied, “Yes, it’s the same dog.”
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings.
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.
So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”
“Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice, he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
Little Johnny was stung by a bee.
And he ran inside screaming “Mommy mommy I’ve been stung by a bee!”
So Johnny’s mother says, “Oh calm down, let’s put some cream on it!”
At this Little Johnny replies, “But how? It must be miles away by now!”
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon little Johnny trying to sell a lawn mower.
“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.
“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,” said little Johnny.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”
Little Johnny said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”
The preacher took the mower and tried to start it. He pulled and pulled on the rope until he was dripping with sweat but the mower refused to start.
The preacher called little Johnny over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”
Little Johnny said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.”
The preacher said, “I’m a man of the church and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t even remember how to cuss.”
Little Johnny looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that rope. It’ll come back to ya.”
A door-to-door sales woman knocks on a door.
Little Johnny opens the door holding a tumbler of scotch and a lit cigar. The woman, visibly shaken, asks, “Little boy is your mother home?”
Little Johnny takes a sip of his scotch and a draw from his cigar before he looks her dead in her eyes and says, “Umm.. what do you think?”
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. “
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, “I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mom would’ve been angry. That’s why I’m so late”.
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?”
Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky. That’s his third bear this week.”
Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!”
Nobody stands up
Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
Little Johnny stands up.
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… I just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”
A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.
As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.
Little Johnny replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing Little Johnny replied, “They will in a minute.”
Little Johnny comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon.
His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played football and then he proposed to his friend Emily. His parents think this is really sweet and they don’t want to make fun of Little Johnny so they ask him, “How are you both going to pay for the expenses of being married?” “Well with the £5 I get each week from you and the 50p she gets from her Mum and Dad, we should do okay.”
His father says, “That’s fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you have a baby?”
Little Johnny answers, “Well, so far – touch wood – we’ve been lucky…”
Little Johnny has always been bad at math, never willing to study or apply himself. His parents never beat him, they did however move him from school to school hoping he would improve. Finally, out of desperation, they took him to an all Catholic school. Within one week little Johnny improved. He would go upstairs every night after dinner and study his books, math especially. By the time his first report card came, his mother was burning with curiosity and sat him down for a chat. His mother said, “Johnny we have tried everything to get your grades up, we are very proud, but what on earth finally made you improve in math?”
Little Johnny looked at his mother and said, “Well, the teachers are dressed funny, but when I saw the little man nailed to the plus sign I knew they weren’t kidding.”
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime — Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?”
Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!”
Little Johnny wants a BMX bike, so he gets down on his knees and writes a letter to God.
It says ‘Dear God. If I’m good for one month will you get me a BMX bike?’
He carefully folds the letter and leaves it at the end of the bed. He lies down under the covers and thinks for a moment. One month is too long to be good. He gets up and tears up the letter and writes another one. ‘Dear God. If I’m good for one week will you get me a BMX bike.’ He folds the letter and then thinks ‘No. One week is too long.’ He writes another letter. ‘Dear God. If
I’m good for one day, will you get me a BMX bike.’ Looking at the letter he screws it up. One day is too long.
He jumps out of his window and heads to the local church. He grabs the statue of Mary, rolls it up in a blanket, rushes back home, and shoves it under his bed. He then writes another letter. ‘Dear God. If you want to see your mother again……’
The teacher asks, “Johnny if your father gave you two dollars, and then you asked for ten more dollars, how much money would you have altogether?”
“Two dollars,” says Johnny.
“I’m afraid you don’t know math.” says the teacher.
“I’m afraid you don’t know my father,” said Johnny.
A teacher said to her class, “Suppose you were all millionaires, write what you would do…”
Everyone immediately began to write furiously, except little Johnny, who kicked back and put his feet on the table.
The teacher walked over to him, “Why aren’t you writing Johnny?” she asked.
Johnny looked up and said, “I’m waiting for my secretary.”
Little Johnny goes to his grandfather and asks him to croak like a frog.
“Why, sure Johnny. Croak,” says Grandfather.
“Yaaaaay,” exclaimed Johnny. Confused, Grandfather asks what’s so exciting. “Papa says we’re going to be rich when you croak,” replies Johnny.
Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.
“Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down.”
“Well…How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him.”
Johnny then frowned.
“I was sitting on Daddy’s lap!”
Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby but it was born without ears.
Little Johnny and his mother went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble. Johnny looked into the cot and said, “What a lovely baby, good feet hands, and skin. How is his eyesight?”
The baby’s mother replied that it was perfect.
Johnny replied, “That’s good cause he’d be f*cked if he needed glasses!”
Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.
Tester: If I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny: SEVEN!
Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny: SEVEN!
Tester: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Little Johnny: SIX.
Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny: SEVEN!
Tester: How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Little Johnny: I’ve already got one rabbit at home!
Little Johnny asked god a question.
Johnny: Is it true that a billion years for us is just a second for you?
God: Why, yes it’s absolutely true!
Johnny: Is it also true that a billion dollars for us is just a penny for you?
God: You’re absolutely right!
Johnny: Well in that case, may I have a penny?
God: Absolutely! Just give me a second.
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.” Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
“Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.” “So, everyone knows that he was the first president.” “Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’
Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.” “Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny. “Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don’t know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.” The first student raised her hand to volunteer. “Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.” Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.” The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?”
Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.” “Very good,” the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…” Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next. Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell “accountant.”
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why. “I’ve lost five cents,”’ sobbed Johnny. “Don’t worry,” said his dad kindly. “Here’s five more for you,”
At this, Johnny howled louder than ever.
“Now what is it ?” asked his dad. “I wish I’d said I’d lost ten cents!”
Recommended: Best Dad Jokes Ever
Little Johnny was bored one rainy day, so he picked up the family Bible looking for interesting pictures. Paging through it, something fell out.
Turns out, it was a large oak leaf that had been pressed long ago between the pages. He immediately took it to his parents to proudly announce, “Look what I found in the Bible.”
“Adam’s underwear!”
At Sunday School they were taught how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, “Johnny, what is the matter?” Little Johnny groaned and responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
Little Johnny was always late for school. When asked why he said he had to eat his popsicle. Without thinking the teacher told him to eat half his popsicle and save the other half in his pocket.
The next day Johnny was on time. The teacher had a history class. “What are the people in Asia called”, she asked a student. “Asians”, said the student. “What are the people in Africa called”. “Africans,” said the student. Then she asked Johnny, “What are the people in Europe called”, but Johnny didn’t know so the girl behind him whispered, “Euro pean.”
To that, Johnny said, “No I’m not, that’s just my popsicle.”
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, May I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Do you have a funny Little Johnny joke? Write down your best jokes in the comment section below!
