Every March 17th, the world turns green as people celebrate St. Patrick’s Day with parades, parties, and questionable dance moves. It all started with St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, who is famous for bringing Christianity to the country and, according to legend, convincing all the snakes to pack their bags and leave. While that may or may not be true, one thing is certain, this holiday isn’t just about history. It’s also about fun, laughter, and, of course, the best St. Patrick’s Day Jokes that keep the shamrock spirit alive.
Nothing brings people together like St. Patrick’s Day Jokes, especially when told after a few too many sips of something “magically delicious.” Whether it’s jokes about mischievous leprechauns, lucky charms, or people who suddenly develop the thickest Irish accents, the comedy never stops. Some jokes make you laugh, some make you groan, and some make you question your friendship with the person who told them. But that’s the beauty of the holiday—everyone is just here to have fun, tell a few jokes, and maybe find out if a pot of gold actually exists at the end of the rainbow.
St. Patrick’s Day Jokes
A man bought a diamond ring on St. Patrick’s Day but later discovered it was a fake.
They gave him a sham rock.
How can you tell if a leprechaun likes your joke?
He’s Dublin clover with laughter.
This St. Patrick’s Day, Seamus O’Brien drank too much and had to take a bus home.
That may not be a big deal to some, but Seamus had never driven a bus before.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Irish.
(Irish who?)
Irish everyone a happy St Patrick’s Day.
Remember, puns on St Patrick’s Day don’t just shame you.
They Seamus all!
A man once met a leprechaun who proudly claimed to own the world’s smallest harp.
Intrigued, the man leaned in to take a closer look. But after a moment of thought, he smirked and said, “I think it’s just a little lyre.”
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St. Patrick’s Day.
At one point, Mick, the bartender, says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy.”
Paddy replies, “OK, Mick, I’ll be on my way then.”
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
“Damn,” he says, pulling himself up by the stool and dusting himself off. He takes a step toward the door and falls flat on his face again.
“Damn, damn!”
He looks at the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air, he’ll be fine. He belly-crawls to the door, shimmies up the doorframe, sticks his head outside, and takes a deep breath of fresh air. Feeling much better, he takes a step onto the sidewalk—and falls flat on his face.
“By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,” he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down. He crawls to the door, hauls himself up the doorframe, opens the door, and shimmies inside. He looks up the stairs and says, “No damn way.”
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, “I can make it to the bed!”
He takes a step into the room—and falls flat on his face.
“Damn it!” he mutters, then climbs into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Get up, Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”
Paddy says, “No, Jess, what makes you say that?”
“Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub.”
What’s Irish and lays out on your lawn all night after your St. Patrick’s Day party?
Patty O’furniture.
What do you call a Dwayne Johnson impersonator?
A Sham-Rock!
What did the leprechaun put in the wishing well?
A lepre-coin.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Warren.
(Warren who?)
You warren anything green for St. Patrick’s Day?!
What is a leprechaun’s favorite vegetable?
Green beans!
Do leprechauns make good journalists?
Yes, they’re great at shorthand!
On St. Patrick’s Day, someone came up to this man and said, “I don’t like everyone appropriating my culture on this day!”
The man said “Why? Are you Irish?”
The stranger said, “No, I’m an alcoholic.”
What do you call it when a unicorn and a leprechaun can’t communicate with each other?
A mythunderstanding.
What is the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patrick’s Day?
On St. Patrick’s Day everybody wants to be Irish.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St Patrick’s day?
Regular rocks are too heavy.
It was St. Patrick’s Day, and a man decided to visit an Irish pub for the first time. The pub was lively, packed with cheerful patrons celebrating the holiday, and offering an all-day happy hour—half-price Guinness. Who could resist?
As he stepped inside, he noticed that most of the conversations around him were in thick Irish accents. Wanting to blend in, he decided to adopt an Irish accent himself.
He sat on an open stool and said to the bartender, “Afternoon. I’ll take a Guinness, lad.”
The bartender gave him a curious look but poured the drink. “You want it, you got it,” he replied in his own Irish accent.
The man took the drink, raised his glass toward the bartender, and downed it quickly.
“Easy, lad. You’ll toss at that rate,” the bartender warned.
“I can handle a simple pint, my good man,” the man responded, still maintaining his fake accent. “In fact, I’ll have another!”
The bartender poured him another Guinness but kept looking at him strangely. After a moment, he asked, “Are you really Irish?”
“‘Course I’m Irish,” the man insisted.
“Alright,” the bartender said, still skeptical. “I just noticed your accent is a little off.”
Panic set in. Not wanting to be exposed, the man pretended to be offended. “Ain’t nothin’ wrong with me accent!” he declared.
The bartender shrugged. “If you say so. Say, are you here by yourself, lad?”
The man scoffed at the question. “‘Course I’m not here by myself!” he said, then turned over his shoulder and yelled—
“DONKEY!”
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’Shea.
Recommended: Leprechaun Jokes
Classic St. Patrick’s Day Joke.
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Potto.
(Potto who?)
Potto gold.
What do you call someone who scams you on St. Patrick’s Day?
A lepre-con!
How does a leprechaun say farewell?
“Irish you well!”
What’s a leprechaun’s favorite mode of transportation?
A cloverboard!
So it was St. Patrick’s Day in Ireland.
Sheamus and Murphy were heading out to grab some beers. As they walked, Sheamus turned to Murphy and said, “Murphy, it’s Saint Patrick’s Day and we don’t got fuckin’ money. What are we gonna do?”
Murphy smirked. “I got an idea. Meet me at the butcher shop in 10 minutes.”
Ten minutes later, they met at the butcher shop. Murphy was holding a sausage link.
“Alright,” Murphy said. “When we go to a bar, after a couple of drinks, I’ll unzip and pull out the sausage from my pants. You start sucking it, the bartender will kick us out, and we won’t have to pay for our drinks.”
Sheamus agreed, and they went to their first bar. After a few drinks, they did their gag. The bartender turned red with rage and shouted, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING? THAT’S BLASPHEMY ON THIS HOLY DAY! YOU TWO GET THE HELL OUT O’ HERE!”
As they stumbled outside, Murphy grinned. “Sheamus, that worked perfectly! Let’s go to another.”
Sheamus agreed, and they pulled the same stunt at two more bars. After being kicked out of the third, Sheamus groaned, “Murphy, can I have the sausage now? My knees are killin’ me.”
Murphy handed it over, and they continued their pub crawl, getting thrown out of five more bars until they were absolutely hammered.
Finally, Murphy slurred, “Sheamus, I dunno if I can go on anymore… I’m too fuckin’ drunk.”
Sheamus swayed on his feet and chuckled. “Yeah… good thing too—I lost that sausage three bars back.”
Why does Captain Kirk hate St. Patrick’s Day?
Lepre-KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!
Why should you never iron a shamrock?
Because you shouldnt press your luck!
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
S’more.
(S’more who?)
S’more St. Paddy’s jokes coming your way!
Why do leprechauns make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are always a wee bit short!
What’s a leprechaun’s favorite dessert?
A patty cake.
What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?
St. O’Claus.
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, “I’ll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was.”
An Irish boy raised his hand and said, “Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick.” The teacher said, “Sorry, Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew.” The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either.”
Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, “Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I’ll give you your $2.”
As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, “You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.” “I know, Miss,” Adam replied, “in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.
Why do the Irish get drunk on St. Patrick’s Day?
Why should that day be any different.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms.
What do leprechauns barbecue on St. Patrick’s Day?
Short ribs.
Which dog breed should you invite to your St. Patrick’s Day party?
An Irish Setter.
So there God was, creating the earth. Along comes the archangel Michael, who starts to get curious.
“What are you makin’ there?”
“I’m designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance,” God smiles.
“Balance?” Michael asks, confused. “How so?”
“Well, have a look. You see the two ends? They’re cold, but the middle is very warm. So it balances out.”
God could see that Michael almost got it.
“See how she spins? That gives half of it light and the other half dark. Always changing, but always balanced.”
Michael smiled, finally understanding. Then, a little green island caught his eye.
“What’s that island?”
God’s smile grew even bigger.
“She’s a beauty, isn’t she? That’s Ireland. Perfect weather, perfect hunting and fishing, the best beer, and the most beautiful girls in the world.”
Michael was impressed. “It’s amazing, but how do you balance out something so wonderful?”
God shrugged. “I put it next to England.”
Recommended: Irish Jokes
What’s the only major difference between Cinco de Mayo and Saint Patrick’s Day?
Nobody wants to pretend to be a Mexican for a day.
If everyone is Irish on St Patrick’s Day, what are they the next morning?
Hung over.
What does a leprechaun eat for lunch?
A ba-larney sandwich.
What happens when you call a leprechaun short?
He gets O’ffended.
An Irishman, by the name of O’Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.
The young lass on learning it wasn’t real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
“It was in honor of St.Patrick’s Day,” he smiled.
“I gave you a sham rock.”
What do you call a Con Man with Leprosy?
A Leprechaun.
Every year St Patrick’s Day gets bigger
It might even keep on Dublin.
What do you call a leprechaun prank?
A saint pat-trick.
Why shouldn’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they’re always a little short.
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
“Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients.”
“Yes, sir!” answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day. “So, Murphy, how was your day?” he asks.
Murphy proudly tells him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache, so I gave him Paracetamol.”
“Bravo, Murphy lad! And the second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had indigestion, so I gave him Gaviscon,” says Murphy.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this. And what about the third one?” the doctor asks.
Murphy takes a deep breath. “Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly, the door flies open! A young, gorgeous woman bursts in! Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes—taking off everything, including her bra and panties—lies down on the table, spreads her legs, and shouts: ‘HELP ME! For the love of St. Patrick! For five years, I have not seen any man!'”
The doctor’s eyes widen. “Tunderin’ lard Jesus, Murphy! What did you do?”
Murphy shrugs. “I put drops in her eyes.”
How do you make an alarm noise in Northern Ireland?
You hit the Belfast!
What’s a hamburger’s favorite holiday?
St. Patty’s Day.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
Because he couldn’t afford a plane ticket.
Why do frogs like St. Patrick’s Day?
Because they’re always wearing green.
Father Patrick had one weakness as a priest—he hated the English. His favorite fire-and-brimstone line was,
“…and you’d go to Hell with the English!”
He had been admonished by his Bishop more than once about this.
When the Bishop was visiting for Holy Week, Father Patrick again assigned the English to the nether regions. After the service, the Bishop took Father Patrick aside and said,
“Father, your example of uncharitable language after so many warnings is intolerable. If you ever presume upon the judgment of God concerning your Christian brothers in Great Britain again, I will have to suspend your pastoral faculties and we will address this incivility with all other appropriate measures.”
“My Lord, forgive me, ’twill not happen again.”
All was well at Mass the next day. The following day, while celebrating Holy Thursday Mass and recounting the Scriptural narrative of Jesus predicting his betrayal by a disciple, Father Patrick said:
“And Matthew asked, ‘LORD, IS IT ME?'”
“No, Matthew, it’s not you.”
“And Peter asked, ‘LORD, IS IT ME?'”
“No, Peter, it’s not you.”
“And Judas asked, ‘GOR BLIMEY, GUV’NOR, IS IT ME?'”
How do you know you’ve had too much green beer?
When the Irish flag starts waving back at you!
Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
Because it was too far to walk!
What did the pizza delivery leprechaun say when he accidentally bumped into the front door?
“Doh! Me Nose!”
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Mikey.
(Mikey who?)
Mikey was stolen by a leprechaun. Let me in!
What do ghosts drink on St. Paddy’s Day?
BOO-ze of course.
Why do the Irish hate puns?
They find them O’ffensive.
Every year on St. Patrick’s Day, Saint Patrick comes down from Heaven and goes to an Irish pub.
This past St. Patrick’s Day, he goes to Murphy’s local pub. Murphy walks in and sees St. Patrick sitting in the corner with his big green bishop’s hat, his green robes, and his staff. He asks the bartender, “Hey, is that St. Patrick sitting in the corner?”
The bartender replies, “Well, yes, it is. He’s down for the day.”
“Well, I’d like to get him a drink,” says Murphy. So, he pays for a drink and sends over a Guinness.
Next, O’Brian walks in, sees St. Patrick, and asks the bartender, “Is that St. Patrick?”
Again, the bartender says, “Well, yes, it is. He’s down for the day.”
“Well, I’d like to get him a drink,” says O’Brian. So, he pays for a drink and sends over a Guinness.
Next, Paddy walks in, sees St. Patrick, and asks the bartender, “Is that the Patron Saint of Ireland himself—St. Patrick?”
Again, the bartender says, “Well, yes, it is. He’s down for the day. He’ll have a Guinness if you’d like to send one over.”
“Sure thing,” says Paddy. So, he pays for a drink and sends over a Guinness.
When St. Patrick finishes his pints and is getting ready to head back to Heaven, he walks over to Paddy, puts his hand on his shoulder, and says, “Thanks very much for the pint. That was very generous of you.”
Paddy exclaims, “Wow! My arthritis! I’ve had it for years, but now I’m cured! Thank you, St. Patrick!”
Next, St. Patrick goes over to O’Brian, puts his hand on his head, and says, “Thanks very much for the pint. Very decent of you.”
O’Brian exclaims, “Wow! My migraines! I’ve had them for years, but now they’re gone! Thanks, St. Patrick!”
Finally, St. Patrick walks over to Murphy, but as he gets close, Murphy backs away, shouting, “Don’t touch me! I’m on Disability Allowance!”
Samuel L. Jackson is going to be playing St. Patrick in a new movie.
His first job will be to get some Snakes off a plain.
What do leprechauns eat on St. Patrick’s Day?
Unicorned Beef.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaf clover?
You might press your luck!
What is a leprechaun’s favorite time of day?
Golden hour.
Why are leprechauns so stingy?
They’re always pinching pennies.
Recommended: Adult St. Patrick’s Day Jokes
Patrick O’Malley hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”
And he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
Later that night, in bed, he told his wife, “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?”So he told her, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking partners on the street. Mischievously, the man said:
“Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?”
She replied, “Aye—and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”
What band should you listen to on St. Patrick’s Day?
Green Day.
A girl tells here mam that she met an Irish boy at the St. Patrick’s Day party. “Oh, really?” the mother replied.
“No, O’Reilly”, replied the girl.
What does a pirate say on Saint Patrick’s Day?
“Kiss me, I’m Ahr-rish.”
What do leprechauns smoke?
Pot of gold.
What would St. Patrick order to drink at a Chinese restaurant?
Green tea.
Do you have a funny St. Patrick’s Day Joke? Write down your best ones in the comment section below!
