Irish jokes have been around for centuries and have become a staple of comedy worldwide. These jokes often feature stereotypes of Irish people being heavy drinkers or having a quick wit. While some may find these jokes offensive, many people of Irish heritage embrace them as a way to poke fun at themselves and their culture.
Irish jokes often have a dry sense of humor and rely on wordplay and irony to deliver the punchline. Some famous Irish jokes involve leprechauns, shamrocks, and potatoes. Whether you’re Irish or not, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face and a bit of Irish cheer to your day. So, grab a pint of Guinness, sit back, and enjoy some classic Irish humor!
Best Irish Jokes
An Irish guy walks out of a bar.
It could happen.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Did you hear that Johnny’s grandma is 80% Irish?
Her name is Iris.
Yo mama so Irish, she bleeds green, white, and orange!
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
Dublin up with laughter, it’s an Irish joke!
How many shots can an Irish man handle?
About 10 rounds.
Why are there no Irish lawyers?
They can’t pass the bar.
What’s the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?
One less drunk.
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
What do you call an Irish baker?
A ginger bread man.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
What do you call three Irish lumberjacks?
How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
30, one to hold the light bulb and 29 to drink until the room spins.
Yo mama so Irish, she considers a pint of Guinness one of her five-a-day!
What is the quickest way to find an American in a crowd?
Shout, “Is anyone here Irish?”
The lion, the witch, and the wardrobe walk into an Irish bar.
The barman takes one look at them and says, “I ain’t servin narnye!”
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all take a seat and order a cup of tea. “Could you pass the honey, honey?” the Englishman asks his wife. The Scottish man thinks to himself, “How brilliant was that?” and turns to his wife, “Could you pass the sugar, sugar?” Not wanting to be outwitted by the other two men, the Irishman turns to his wife and says, “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O’Clock.
What do you call an Irish dictator?
Yo mama so Irish, she named you after her favorite pub.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver.
An Irishman frees a genie, and the genie, relieved to be free, offers him three wishes.
“I want a pint of Guinness that is never empty,” the Irishman adds after some thought.
So poof, a pint of the rich brown drink comes, filled to the brim. The man finishes it, and when he returns it to the bar, it has been refilled.
“Now, sir, what do you want for your other two wishes?”
“I want two more of these, then!”
What do you call an Irish reptile?
What do you call an Irish guy coming back with more cakes?
Yo mama so Irish, when she dances a jig, the whole town starts to celebrate!
What do you call an Irish person pretending to be Dwayne Johnson?
An Irishman is pulled from a bar in blazes, covered in soot and ash. The firemen shake him awake.
“What happened?! How did the fire start?!”
The Irishman shrugs and says, “Beats me. It was already on fire when I got here.”
How do Irish Dancers cut wood?
With a jig saw.
Yo mama so Irish, she can make a four-leaf clover appear just by walking through a field!
An old Irishman is on his deathbed. Surrounded by his friends and family, he tells them his dying wish is to convert to Protestantism. His family, understandably distraught, demands to know why?
“One less fookin’ Proddy to worry about.”
What do you call an Irish computer virus?
Why are the Irish risky gamblers?
Because they’re always Dublin’ down.
An Irishman and his son walk into a zoo.
One of the signs says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age.”
The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps its foot 6 times.
“Wow,” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”
The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun. A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice.
“Bajaysus that’s right,” said the father, “I am farty two!”
What do you call an Irish man with a skin condition?
What do you call it when an Irish woman has twins?
Yo mama so Irish, when she breastfed you, she lactated Guiness!
Did you hear that Irish historians have discovered the headstone of the oldest man to have lived?
He was 193 and was called Miles from Dublin.
A couple recently welcomed their first child; the husband is half Irish and half Indian, while the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. They both want their son’s name to reflect their ethnic backgrounds.
They finally agreed on a name after much deliberation. Ravi O’Lee.
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What do you call an Irish electrician hanging from your ceiling?
Sean D. Lear.
Did you know that Linkin Park’s band manager only provided them with Irish Spring soap when they were on tour?
Because in the end it doesn’t even lather.
Yo mama so Irish, St. Patrick himself asked her for directions to the nearest pub.
What do you call a convention of short Irish men with leprosy?
An Englishman and an Irishman are driving head-on on a curvy, dark road at night. Both are traveling at twice the speed limit for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.
Despite the fact that their cars are both destroyed, they are both unharmed. In order to celebrate their good fortune, both vow to set aside their animosity for the other from that point forward. The Englishman then walks to the trunk and retrieves a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He passes the bottle to the Irishman, who shouts, “May the Irish and the English live in peace and harmony forever.” The Irishman then tips the bottle and gulps down half of it.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, who replies, ”No thanks, I’ll just wait till the Police get here!”
Did you hear the one about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn’t come back, it just sings about how much it wants to!
How many years does it take for Irish saplings to grow?
What do you get when you mix a Russian with a Brit?
An Irish Mosh Cow.
An Englishman, a Scottish, and an Irishman wanted to attend the Olympics but couldn’t since they didn’t have tickets. They proceeded around the back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the back entrance, which also served as the entry for the participating athletes. The Englishman looks around and notices a large pole on the ground, which inspires him. He grabs the pole and walks up to the guard and says “Bentley. England. Pole Vaulting.” The guard thinks he’s an athlete and let’s him in.
The Scotsman sees this and thinks he could try too. He grabbed a manhole cover and walked up to the guard. “MacGregor. Scotland. Discus.” And the guard let him in.
The Irishman is looking all over for something to help get him in and sees a bale of barbed wire. He grabs the bale and proudly exclaims to the guard, “Murphy. Ireland. Fencing.”
What do you call an Irish stoner?
A baked potato.
What do the Irish say when they’re overwhelmed?
“Oh my Guinness.”
Yo mama so Irish, she got leprechauns instead of crabs.
Why can’t anybody understand the Irish man at the local pub in America?
He’s “four in”.
A Texan comes into an Irish pub and clears his throat in front of the drinkers. He claims, “I’ve heard you Irish are a heavy drinking bunch. I’ll give $500 to anyone in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.”
The room is silent, as no one accepts the Texan’s offer. One man even walks away. Thirty minutes later, the same gentleman who had previously left reappears and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still valid?” inquires the Irishman.
Yes, says the Texan, and orders 10 pints of Guinness from the bartender. The Irishman immediately tears into all ten pint glasses, consuming them all back to back. The other pubgoers applaud as the Texan sits in awe.
“If you don’t mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?” says the Texan as he hands the Irishman the $500. The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
Why are Irish bankers so successful?
Because their capital’s always Dublin.
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What do you call an Irish man under the sea?
Did you hear about the Irish baseball player who suffered severe burns?
He used a coffee cup.
It was pouring heavily outside an Irish pub, and a large puddle had developed.
An elderly man stood alongside the puddle, jiggling a stick with a string on the end in the water. An inquisitive gentleman inquired as to what he was doing.
“Fishing,” the old man said.
“Poor old idiot,” thought the gentleman, so he asked the old man to the pub for a drink.
The gentleman, feeling the need to strike up a conversation while they were sipping their whisky, inquired, “And how many have you caught?”
“You’re the eighth.”
What was the popular Mexican/Irish restaurant called?
The Tac O’TheTown.
Have you heard of that new Irish EDM?
What do you call your Irish friend who values consistency and routine?
A London lawyer disregards a stop sign and is stopped by an Irish Garda.
He believes he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London with a greater education than any paddy cop. He intends to prove it to himself by having some fun at the cost of the Garda…!!
“License and registration, please,” says the Irish Garda.
“What for?” says the London lawyer.
“You didn’t come to a complete stop at the Stop sign,” the Irish Garda responds.
“I slowed down, and no one was coming,” claims the lawyer.
The Irish Garda says, “You’re still not completely stopped. Please provide a license and registration.”
“What’s the difference…?” asks the lawyer.
Irish Garda says, “The distinction is that you must come to a complete stop, as required by law. Please, license and registration…!”
London Lawyer says, “If you can show the legal distinction between “slow down” and “stop,” I’ll hand over my license and registration and you’ll hand me the ticket. If not, you let me go without giving me the ticket.”
Irish Garda says, “It seems reasonable. Sir, please exit your vehicle.”
The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer with it and says, “Now then.. Do you want me to stop, or just slow down..?”
What do you call an Irish sniper?
Two Irish brothers are applying for Work Visas to Australia.
The first brother enters his interview, quickly walks out, gives a thumbs-up and says to his brother “I’m in!”
The second brother takes this as a sure sign that he will join him, and walks confidently into his interview.
“So Mr… Patrick O’Malley”, the interviewer begins. “What skills can you bring to Australia?”
Patrick explains: “Well, I’m a turf cutter. The best there is! My father was a turf cutter. His father was a turf cutter…”
“That’s a shame”, interrupts the interviewer. “They don’t really need turf cutters in Australia. There’s just not that much turf.”
“But you let me brother in!”
“That’s because your brother is a pilot. Pilots are high in demand.”
Patrick cries, “But if I don’t cut it, he can’t pile it!”
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What do you call a patient Irish sniper?
Why are there no Irish Astronauts?
Because there is no Éire in space.
An Irish woman named Mary is at home tending to her housekeeping duties while her husband is away working at the Guinness brewery. She’s busily taking care of the house when there’s a knock at the door.
Upon opening the door, she’s greeted by two of her husband’s friends and fellow brewery workers.
“Mary,” the first friend says gravely, “we have some awful news to share. There was an unfortunate incident at the brewery today, and your husband fell into a massive tank of Guinness.”
“My goodness!” cries Mary, “Will he be okay? How badly is he injured?”
“Well,” the friend reluctantly replies, “the truth is, Mary, he didn’t survive. He drowned in the vat.”
“No!” Mary breaks down in tears. “Please, tell me his passing was at least swift and painless.”
The friend hesitates before responding, “Well, the situation is a bit peculiar, Mary. You see, he got out three times to pee.”
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
What do you call an Irish-Canadian?
What do you call a man who suffers from the persistent delusion that he’s a creature from Irish myth?
An Irishman sees two plus sized woman sitting at the bar.
“Where are you two lovely ladies from?” he asks.
“Wales” they respond.
“Ah I’m sorry, where are you two whales from?”
What’s the difference between a Possum and an Opossum?
The Opossum is Irish.
What is the problem with Irish puns?
They are the most O’ffensive.
Did you hear about the Irish circumciser?
He slipped and got the sack.
“What is your name?” inquired the teacher.
“Mohammad,” he said.
“You’re in Ireland now,” the teacher said, “therefore you’ll be known as Mike from now on.”
Mohammad came home from school.
“How was your day, Mohammad?” questioned his mum.
“Mohammad is not my name. I’m in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
“Are you embarrassed by your name? Are you attempting to defame your parents, your heritage, or your religion? You should be ashamed!”
And his mother thrashed him to oblivion. Then she called his father, who thrashed him once again.
Mohammad went back to school the next day. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
“What happened, Mike?” she inquired.
“Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fcuking Arabs.”
What do you call two gay Irishmen?
Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael.
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What do you call a gay Irish dinosaur?
What language do Irish vegetables speak?
An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.
Her mom says, “A WHAT?!!”
The daughter says, “A prostitute!”
Then the mom says, “Thank god… I thought you said a Protestant.”
How do you say “Merry Christmas” in Ireland?
“Irish you a Merry Christmas.”
Why do the Irish hand out dreidels at their funerals?
It’s just a Top of the Mourning to ya.
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: “Have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Why are Irish people so angry?
They were born from a ‘Land of ire’.
What do you call a gathering of very sick Irish people?
Why wasn’t Jesus born in Ireland?
They couldn’t find 3 wise men and a virgin.
A car full of Irish nuns is stopped at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a swarm of unruly drunks approaches.
“Hey, bloody penguins, show us your tits!” yells one of the drunks. Mother Superior, surprised, looks to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I doubt they realize who we are. Show them your cross.”
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off !”
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough ?”
What do you call two Irish lesbians having sex?
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What’s the difference between Hollywood actors and Irish lesbians?
The actors are on their feet when they arrive at the red carpet.
What does a worker at the Irish sperm bank say after you are finished?
Tanks fo’ nut’in.
What do you call an Irish athlete with erectile dysfunction?
An O’Limpdick athlete.
What do you call sunscreen in Ireland?
Do you have a funny Irish joke? Post your own Irish one-liners in the comment section below!
Why don’t you ever see an Irishman doing a crossword puzzle?
Because it’s easier to go to the pub and ask for the answers!