Christmas is a time for carols, cookies, and that one uncle who always eats too much turkey. The air feels magical, with lights twinkling brighter than Santa’s sleigh on turbo mode. But the best part? Christmas jokes! Whether it’s kids giggling over silly puns or adults cracking up at festive fails, these jokes bring laughter to a season already full of joy.
Now, our jokes are like gifts, you never know what you’re going to get, but they always light up the room. From elves who’ve had one too many hot chocolates to snowmen with hilarious dilemmas, these jokes are tiny nuggets of fun that warm hearts faster than a cozy fireplace. They’re perfect for sharing around the table or sneaking into a card for a surprise chuckle!
Best Christmas Jokes
Knock knock.
(Who’s there?)
Mary.
(Mary who?)
Mary Christmas!
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Anna.
(Anna who?)
Anna Happy New Year!
What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklins.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas party. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he had done something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, and spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.
He took the aspirins and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!” He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, “Son, what happened last night?” “Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replied, “Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!'”
Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
Don’t know, he hasn’t opened it yet.
Yo mama so fat, they took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
A husband asked his wife what she wanted for Christmas, she said a divorce.
The husband said, “Forget it, I’m not spending that much!”
Why didn’t Santa get any mince pies on Christmas?
Because it was stollen.
A warning to all you drivers at Christmas.
Be careful about drunk driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests.
Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I’ve never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from
Jesus was born on Christmas, died on Good Friday and rose on Easter.
What are the odds?!?!
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?
Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Ho ho!
(Ho ho who?)
You need to practice your Santa impression.
Recommended: Christmas Jokes for Kids
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree. The shop attendant asked him, “Are you going to put that tree up yourself?”
The guy replied, “Don’t be disgusting! I’m going to put it in the living room!”
This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife.
I thought it was a great trade.
What is a parent’s favorite Christmas Carol?
Silent Night.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. For the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow, thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, £ 4 was missing. I think it must have been those halfwits at the Post Office!
Wife: “I regret getting you that blender for Christmas!”
Husband: (sipping toast) “Why?”
For Christmas, A man bought his wife new beads for her abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
It’s 364 days until Christmas.
And people already have their lights up!
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for Christmas.
It’s big red flag.
Why does Santa never worry about the state of his candy cane collection?
Because they’re all in mint condition!
A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.
“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the main. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
I tried shipping a Bon Jovi album to my cousin for Christmas but it hasn’t been delivered.
The tracking report keeps saying, “Oh, it’s halfway there!”
Dear Satan,
For Christmas, I want a cure for my dyslexia.
My great-grandmother got me a PS5 for Christmas.
My so-so grandmother got me socks.
Where do you find a mathematician in December?
Deriving home for Christmas.
A man was bringing his girlfriend home to meet his mother.
He told his new girlfriend that his mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. Meanwhile at home, he told his mother that his girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
He’s looking forward to Christmas dinner.
Recommended: Christmas Jokes for Seniors
How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday,
But a senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song “Baby It’s Cold Outside”?
Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, “Yo B*tch, It’s Freezing Outside.”
My girlfriend broke up with me on Christmas.
So I refer to it as Xmas now.
A husband and wife went shopping together just before Christmas. The wife quickly noticed that her husband was missing and because they had a lot to do she called him on his cell phone.
After the husband picked up the phone his wife said ” Where are you, you know we have lots to do!”
He said “You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up and said “Yes, I do remember that shop!!!” she replied.
“Well, I am in the yoyo shop next door to that.”
This man took his car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
The mechanic removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.
Normally we have turkey, but ok.
What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
“It’s Christmas, Eve.”
What Christmas song is sung at mental hospitals?
“Do you hear what I hear…”
Three sons left home, went out on their own, and prospered.
Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Dear Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!”
“Dear Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!”
Do you know why the gates of heaven are always left open?
Because Jesus was raised in a barn!
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…’
Really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.
Recommended: Christmas Dad Jokes
When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.
Somehow, the rascal found out and killed my dad.
My wife said if she didn’t like my Christmas gift she’d burn it.
So I got her a candle.
A child psychologist had twin boys.
One was an optimist; the other, was a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.
That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.
“What’s wrong?” the father asked.
“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.
Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. “Why are you so happy?” he asked.
The optimist shouted, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
My favorite Christmas breakfast is Eggs Benedict served on a hubcap.
There’s no place like chrome for the hollandaise.
What do you call an out-of-breath clown?
Pantomime.
At this time of year, there’s nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.
And that’s why I’m no longer a fireman.
Employee: “Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?”
Boss: “It’s May.”
Employee: “Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?”
Got a reversible jacket for Christmas,
Can’t wait to see how it turns out.
Have you heard they’re making Christmas themed tampons?
They’re for the festive period!
What’s a dog’s favorite Christmas carol?
Bark, The Herald Angels Sing.
With Christmas coming up, a wife asked her 3-year-old, “What do you know about Jesus?”
To which she replies, “Well I know he’s a bad driver and a moron!”
“But why?”
“Because every time I’m in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is ‘Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron!’”
How is Christmas like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
What type of tree does a Satanist get for Christmas?
A Lucy Fir.
I’m giving up drinking until Christmas!
Sorry, wrong punctuation.
I’m giving up. Drinking until Christmas.
How poor were we?
At Christmas we exchanged glances.
What’s the best thing to put into a gingerbread house?
Your teeth!
Recommended: Christmas Knock Knock Jokes
A group of married couples get together for a Christmas dinner.
When the last couple arrives, the wife is immediately showing off her present from her husband.
“Look at what my Harold bought me!” she exclaims as she holds up her hand with a diamond the size of a baseball on it.
All the other wives gather around her oohing and ahhing over her new ring.
One of the other husbands whispers to Harold, “I thought she wanted a new car?”
“She did,” answers Harold. “But I don’t know where to buy a fake Mercedes.”
Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
Because the present’s beneath them.
What does Poseidon give on Christmas ?
Tide-ings.
I don’t mean to brag… but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it’s an extension of my soul.
It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn and barely held together with tape.
What did Santa Claus say when Mrs. Claus asked him what the weather will be like on Christmas Day?
“I’m expecting rain, dear!”
Who’s never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey, he’s always stuffed!
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best.
Winter boasts, “Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!”
Spring laughs, “Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can’t get much better than that!”
Summer rays, “Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can’t top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?”
Autumn ~ -leaves-
What do you call Dwayne Johnson dressed up in a Christmas outfit?
Jingle Bell Rock.
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because I won’t stop singing Christmas songs.
I said, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”
What do you call a futuristic Christmas card?
A holly-gram!
What’s the deadliest of the sauces?
Gravy.
Mariah Carey wakes up on Christmas morning and runs downstairs to her tree.
Underneath the tree is a single present. She unwraps the box to find a rolled-up piece of paper inside. She rolls the paper open to find the deed for an unused piece of business property in New York City.
As she read it over she exclaimed, “I don’t want a lot for Christmas!”
How do you say “Merry Christmas” in Ireland?
“Irish you a Merry Christmas!”
What is one of the best Christmas presents that you can give and receive?
A broken drum. Why? Because you can’t beat it!
What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit?
Fanta Claus.
If an athlete gets athlete’s foot, what does an astronaut get?
Mistletoe.
Recommended: Santa Jokes
King Arthur introduces a visitor to his warriors.
“This is the brave Sir Lancelot, and on my left, the bold Sir Gawain. On the far side of the Round table are handsome Sir Galahad, the fierce Sir Sagramore, and the famous Sir Eve…”
“Wait, what? Sir Eve? Famous?!”
“Well, surely you have heard about the Knight Before Christmas?”
What do you call a cranky person who is sick at Christmas?
Ebesneezer Scrooge.
What do vegans say at Christmas?
“Soy to the world!”
What do you call someone who loves Christmas but doubts the existence of God?
Eggnog-stic.
Did you hear about the Russian advent calendar?
Every time you open a window an oligarch falls out.
Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor’s windows, a child asks his father, “Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?”
“What? No, of course not.” says his father.
“Why not?” asks the child again.
Bewildered, his father replies, “Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness.”
What does a duck do at Christmas time?
Duckorates.
Where did the shareholder keep his Christmas presents?
In his stockings.
I wanted someone to buy me Nike’s for Christmas
But then I decided, “Eh, I’ll just do it.”
Microsoft has released a festive advent calendar this Christmas.
No chocolates just a load of updates every time you open your windows.
A Little girl was talking to her mother about how she wanted Barbie and GI joe for christmas.
Her Mother was confused.
“Doesn’t Barbie come with Ken?”
“No. She comes with GI Joe. She just fakes it with Ken.”
What does a semicolon do on Christmas?
It separates two closely related, yet independent Santa Clauses.
Where does Spiderman do his Christmas shopping?
On the web.
What’s an atheist’s favorite Christmas movie?
Coincidence on 34th Street.
What ballet are men afraid of?
The Nutcracker.
My friend has been ill in bed all over Christmas,
So I went round today and took some presents.
And a bottle of expensive whisky.
With a bit of luck he won’t notice them missing.
How do you know if you really love Christmas?
You wanna merry it!
Did you hear about the Christmas tree that became an officer in the army?
He was highly decorated.
What’s Scrooge’s favorite food?
A humbug’er.
Two nuns are decorating for a Christmas party.
One comes back from hanging the tinsel to see the other with her hands colored bright red, shaking her head in frustration at a sopping wet pile of fabric.
When asked what she’d been doing, she explained that she had dug an outfit out of the linen closet that nobody had used in years, hoping to dye it red and make a Santa Claus outfit to entertain the children with, but the fabric was too stubborn and she couldn’t get the color to take.
“Well,” the first nun said, “You know what they say: old habits dye hard.”
Which ballet is the most uncomfortable for guys to have to sit through?
The Nutcracker.
Why is a foot a good Christmas present?
Because it makes a good stocking stuffer.
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments.
Have a very Joseph Christmas!
We shouldn’t discriminate on basis of gender, you know.
What’s a dinosaur’s least favorite reindeer?
Comet.
What do you hear from a toasty fireplace on Christmas Eve?
“HO HO OUCH!”
Why was Grinch afraid of Santa?
Because he was claustrophobic.
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out and asked them to leave. “But why?” they asked
“Because if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!”
How do fish celebrate Christmas?
They hang reefs on the door.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert?
“O Camel Ye Faithful.”
Why has Santa always got a cough?
Tinselitis.
Do you have a funny Christmas joke? Write down your best jokes in the comment section below!
