A Dad Joke is like a magic trick where the punchline makes you groan instead of applaud. They’re the ultimate tool in a dad’s arsenal, turning any dinner table into a battlefield of awkward laughter and eye rolls. These jokes don’t need context or an audience ready for comedy but they thrive on their sheer power to be boldly lame. But there’s a darker side to this art form, our very very Bad Dad Jokes.
These Dad Jokes are a whole new level of cringe. These are the ones that don’t just make you roll your eyes but they make you question why anyone thought they were funny in the first place. It’s like Dad Jokes gone rogue, where the humor is so off-target that even crickets stay silent. Yet somehow, these jokes still work, maybe because they’re so bad, they loop back around to being good.
Very Bad Dad Jokes
Steal a man’s wallet and he’ll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life.
After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
What do French people call marijuana?
Oui’d.
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
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Timing.
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Did you hear that Johnny’s girlfriend is the square root of -100?
A solid 10 but imaginary.
The employee called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” The boss exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
The employee said, “Really?! Thanks, boss, see you next week!”
Have you become seriously depressed?
Try drinking a gallon of water, just before you go to bed. That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son has been telling lies.”
“Well, he’s bloody good, I ain’t got any kids,” I replied.
Waiter: “And how would you like your steak prepared?”
Me: “Guess”
Waiter: “Medium rare?”
Me: “Well done”
Waiter: “Uhhh..”
What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?
Any dog, buildings can’t jump.
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself.
“Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.”
“Son, I heard you got punished for saying the ‘F’ word in class. That wasn’t fun was it?”
“NO dad, it was f*ck.”
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes.
Why do dogs float on water so well?
Because they are good buoys.
I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day.
It’s soda pressing.
Did you read the list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”?
Quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 4.
It’s simple meth.
Did you hear the man who invented the USB port died?
At his funeral they lowered the casket…. then raised it, turned it around, and lowered it again.
Did you hear about Piano?
It is one of the hardest instruments to pick up.
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in five words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect!
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use?
Her/she.
Why does the military wear uniforms?
To minimize casual tees.
My rescue dog has no legs, so I named her ‘Cigarette’.
And every night we go out for a drag.
What is a pirate’s favorite element in the periodic table?
Gold. Why would a pirate need Argon?!
Just lost 20% of my couch.
Ouch.
What is the opposite of Microsoft Office?
Megahard Onfire.
Bought a new sofa yesterday. The assistant told me it would seat 6 people without a problem.
Now, where am I going to find 6 people without a problem?!
Did you know the swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of?
Except for… the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.
What do you call if a guy named Doug makes a u-turn?
He becomes a guy named Dong.
My son proudly showed me his report card and shouted, “Dad, I’m so happy! I got a B in reading!”
I sighed, “That’s a D, idiot.”
Have you heard about a business selling prayer mats which are also trampolines?
Prophets are going through the roof.
Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?
Except at a funeral.
What’s the worst thing about a bad dad joke?
The second you hear it.
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree wasn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What does the existence of shampoo imply?
The existence of shampiss.
Anything recommended by a stoned person is highly recommended.
What do you eat when you’re cold and angry?
A brrrrgrrrr.
What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?
Unemployed.
If you sin 90 times, do you know that you’ll only get caught 50% of the time?
Because sin90 = cot45.
Most people think T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms.
But it’s really because they’re dead.
Batman: “Alfred, please fill up the bathtub.”
Alfred: “What’s a htub, sir?”
Did you hear about the business these young men started where they weighed microscopic objects?
It’s a small scale operation.
I wanted to extend my appreciation to the inventor of the concept of “zero”.
Thanks for nothing.
A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, “Why am I here?”
“For drinking.” replies the officer.
“Great!” slurs the man. “When do we start?”
The water asked the sand if it could touch it.
The sand said “Shore”.
The hardware store was selling 50 ft of rope for $1, but I refused.
I hate long good buys.
What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
In laughter the L comes first.
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
Patient: “Doc, all 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!”
Doctor: “Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
What do you call If prisoners took their own mugshots?
They would be called ‘cellfies’.
What kind of fish is made from only two sodium atoms?
2 Na.
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don’t think I can ever repay you.
Why is the Sun so smart?
It has a lot of degrees.
What is Emma Watson’s full name?
Emmamentary Mydear Watson.
A father in Iran gave his daughter a new bag.
She said,” Thanks for the Baghdad.”
I saw a robbery at an apple store today.
The police interviewed me because I was an iWitness.
During his wedding, my friend called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
A woman said to her husband “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parents’ house.
The adjective for metal is metallic.
But not so for iron, which is ironic.
What do you get when you google how soldiers march?
Information.
Imagine if Bill Gates got crushed to death by the gates on his property and there was a massive scandal about it.
The media would have to call it “Gates’s gates-gate”
What is the opposite of a stand-up comedy?
A sitcom.
Why don’t bad dad jokes ever get lost?
Because they always follow you home.
What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?
Sea kelp.
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters.
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins.
Did you hear about the kid who just discovered he has a low IQ?
He’s dumbfounded.
We named our child JKMN.
Prounced as “No L”
Who’s the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?
The Make-A-Wish Foundation.
An antonym for synonym is antonym.
But a synonym for antonym is the opposite.
When Miley Cyrus licks a sledgehammer, it’s called “art” and “music.
When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “have to leave Home Depot”.
According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura takes a particular colour right before they die.
Cyan aura.
Your family tree is a cactus.
Because you’re all a bunch of pricks.
Do you know what is a thief’s favourite metal?
Steel.
Can someone remind what actor played Forrest Gump?
T.Hanks in advance.
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?”
Steve replied, “I wish I was rich!”
The genie nodded and said, “What’s your second wish?”
Rich exclaimed, “I want lots of money!”
Why were the Dark Ages so dark?
Because there were so many knights.
What is the color of the wind?
Blew.
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Did you hear about that guy who made a company that removes adverbs?
It’s taking off quickly.
Who gets sent to fix a black hole when it breaks down?
A quantum mechanic.
Do you know that Korean singers don’t say “Yes daddy”?
They say “K pops”.
What do you call a bad dad joke that’s also a dad?
A groan-up.
Cop: You are arrested for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Me: Wait! I can explain everything.
People have often asked me why I wanted to become a film editor.
Well, to cut a long story short.
Why do the sharks feed pineapples to the people lost in the sea?
Because it makes sea men taste better!
A boy watches a movie about a mad scientist dooming the world. He then goes to his father’s lab and smashes all his petri dishes and test tubes.
The dad finds out and says, “Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed one!”
Dated a girl who was obsessed with the gym.
It didn’t work out.
Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9.
The odds were not in my favor.
What do you say to a hit man who’s paid in chicken that fails his mission?
No harm, no fowl.
Police have finally caught a serial killer with a bad stammer.
They said it will be a while before he finishes his sentence.
Why are sine waves not cosine waves?
Cos sine waves are different.
I have bad news and good news. Yesterday, my obese parrot passed away.
The good news is that it’s a lot of weight off my shoulders.
What’s the most popular spice in hell?
Sinnamon.
The Invisible Man married an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
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IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes.
Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they’re having a really hard time putting their case together.
What are agents in the CIA called when they go to sleep?
Undercover.
What is a square root?
Whatever you find under a box tree.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
What do you call a dinosaur that is made out of land?
A terrain-osaurus Rex.
What do you call a country where everyone loves to sleep?
A hiber-nation.
Do you have a bad dad joke? Write down your worst ones in the comment section below!
