Football has a funny way of turning a calm afternoon into total madness. One minute, a few friends are kicking around a ball, and the next minute, somebody is diving across the grass, another person cannot find their shoe, and one kid is celebrating a goal like they just won the biggest award in the world. Even people who barely understand the rules still cheer loudly when the ball hits the net.
That is exactly why football jokes never get old. After a match filled with missed chances, over-the-top reactions, and stressed coaches pacing around the sidelines, people enjoy laughing at all the crazy moments that happen during the game. Football fans can spend ninety minutes acting completely serious, then laugh nonstop afterward about the weird things that happened on the field.
Best Football Jokes
Why did the ghost Football team win all its games?
They were amazing at possessing the ball.
Johnny’s wife just left him. She says his life revolves around football, and she’s sick of it.
He’s quite upset. They were together for 7 seasons.
Hands down, Pele was the greatest football player of all time.
Hands up, he’d be thrown out of the game as that’s against the rules.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Soccer.
(Soccer who?)
Socc-ser in the drawer.
Do you know why Ronaldo always cleans his room?
Because he is not messy.
Why is Spain so good at football?
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Life Pro Tip: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a football player.
There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.
Why can’t Cinderella play football?
Because she keeps running away from the ball.
“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a Football game!”
“Who’s playing, son?”
“Austria-Hungary”
“Against who?”
Why won’t they let you wear glasses in football?
Because it’s a contact sport.
What did the bad Football announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why was the football stadium so cold?
Because of all the fans.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding. One guy says, “It’s ridiculous, he’s rich, but he’s 95 years old, and she’s just 24! What kind of a wedding is that?” The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”
“What do you call it?” “We call it a football wedding.” The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?” The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”
Why did the tiny ghost join the football team?
He heard they needed a little team spirit.
“Oh my God,” the wife said, smiling. “Our boy is kicking…”
The husband said, “Yes. That’s how soccer works.”
Wife says to her husband: “Choose, either me or the soccer game!”
He responds: “Give me 90 minutes to think.”
Why didn’t Jesus play hockey?
Because football is more popular in Mexico.
Yo mama so fat, her favorite Football team is Hamburg.
A football player goes to the doctor and says, “It hurts when I touch my face, elbow, and knee.” The doctor says,
“You’ve broken your finger.”
What happens to football players who go blind?
They become referees.
A Mexican man sneaks across the border to watch his favorite football team play and makes it all the way to the stadium. He doesn’t have tickets, so he finds a large pole to climb up on and jumps down into the top of the bleachers to get a bird’s-eye view of the game.
After the game was over and his buddies asked him how the game was back in Mexico, he replied, “I don’t know why you all don’t think Americans are nice. As soon as I sat down, everyone turned around, looked at me, and started singing ‘Jose, can you see?'”
After my son’s team won the Football tournament, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
Why has Football suddenly become so popular in America?
If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d bring my friends to the bar.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Goal.
(Goal who?)
Goal-ing to the Football game tonight?!
What religion do Football players follow?
Shintoism.
A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital.
The patients are going crazy in the cargo playing Football with an invisible ball. The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes to the back to make them stop the noise. They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again.
The pilot asks the co-pilot to give it a shot at calming the patients down. The co-pilot goes in the back, the noise stops, and he returns in the cabin.
Half an hour later, the plane is quiet. The pilot is impressed and asks the copilot how he did it. The copilot replies, “I told them: Football is not allowed indoors. You have to take it outside.”
Why do Italians love football?
Because halfway through, they get to switch sides.
Just passed by the prison today, and they were playing Football on the field.
I shouted, “Pass the ball, I’m free!!”
Yo mama so fat, when she wanted to go to see a football match she had to book the entire stadium!
Jake said he thinks he wants to take up acting…
Now he’s just looking for a local football league to join!
What’s the best US state to shop for a football uniform?
New Jersey.
A man is talking to his doctor about a recurring dream he keeps having.
“I keep dreaming about a football match between elephants and mice,” the patient said
“No worries,” says the doctor and gives the patient some medicine, “take this just before bed and you’ll have a dreamless sleep.”
“Ok, thank you, doctor,” responded the man, “but can I start it tomorrow? The finals are tonight.”
Why did the football player take so long to eat dinner?
Because he thought he couldn’t use his hands.
Correct the error in this sentence: Ronaldo play football.
Ronal does play football.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Annette.
(Annette who?)
Annette goal!
What’s the best animal in football?
A score-pion.
There was a football game in the woods.
The game was between the rodents and the insects. In the first half, the rodents were doing well, but in the second half, the centipede really pulled the weight of the insect team and ended up winning the game for them.
After the insects were done celebrating, the spider went up to the centipede and said, “you did great, but where were you during the first half of the game?”
The centipede replies, “I was putting on all of my shoes!”
What do Americans do immediately after winning the World Cup?
Turn off the Playstation.
A football referee picks up his phone during a match.
14 Missed Calls.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Ben.
(Ben who?)
Ben practicing my football skills!
A nearby football championship was canceled due to rain and sleet.
So every player got a precipitation trophy.
Are people allowed to wear contacts in football?
It is a non contact sport after all.
During gym class, the school psychologist is observing the children’s behavior while they play football.
He goes up to a boy and asks, “Tell me, do you have a problem? Would you like to talk about it?”
The boy stays silent. He asks again, “Why aren’t you running around like the other boys?”
“Because I’m the goalkeeper.”
Many don’t just play football cause they like the sport.
They are just in it for kicks.
Which football player can hold 50 fish in his mouth?
Pele can.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Drew.
(Drew who?)
Drew the game into overtime!
Why did the tiny football player take a shower?
He was a little Messi.
The Hunger Games is like football.
Everyone runs around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don’t understand.
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player, and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.
So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.” The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?”
The player thought for a moment, and then he answered, “I think… no… yes… I’m not sure… what about 4?” “Did you say 4?” the smiling coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, “Come on, coach, give him another chance!”
Two flies are playing football on a plate.
One says to the other, “You’d better pick up your game, Louie, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow”.
They should end football games with an art competition.
That way it would be win, lose or draw.
Recommended: FIFA Jokes
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, “1-0”.
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”
A few minutes later, his wife lets one go and says, “Goal! Tie score…”
After about five minutes, the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha, I’m ahead 2 to 1.”
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, “And she scores again!, tie score.”
Five seconds go by, and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “BinGOAL, I lead 2 to 3.” Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains really hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, “What the hell was that?”
The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”
Why does America have the best movie industry in the world?
In the rest of the world, all the best actors play football.
What did Goofy say when he got shot in the nuts by a football ball?
“F’yuck.”
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Kicks.
(Kicks who?)
Kicks off the football season with a smile!
Why did the politically correct football team never win any matches?
Because no offense.
What do you call a Greek football player?
Soccerates.
Why do Swedes not play much football?
Because too much socker can give diabetes.
A football team goes to a bar after a big win.
The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.
“You know, you’re good as a keeper.”
“Oh? What brought this about?”
“Well, to start, you’ve been keeping me from scoring all night.”
Why was the dog bad at football?
Because he had two left feet.
What do u call 11 divers and a net?
A soccer team.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
August.
(August Who?)
A gusta go back to football practice!
Football is a strange game.
It is a bunch of people running away from their goals.
Why will the giant never win a video game football championship?
Because he only plays “FIFA fo fun”.
What do you call a zombie that plays football?
A Ghoul keeper.
Satan and St. Peter decided to hold a football game in paradise. It was to be hell versus heaven.
When everything had been arranged, St. Peter said to Satan, “Look, I can’t be dishonest with you. There is no way that your side can win. All football players are simple, pure people, and when they die, they all go to heaven. Heaven is full of football players.”
“I thank you for your sincerity,” replied Satan, “but don’t worry, we can defend ourselves.”
When St. Peter had left, Satan’s secretary said, “St. Peter is right – we will lose the game. All the good football players go to heaven.”
“Don’t worry,” said Satan. “Where do you think all the judges go?”
Why do football players hate shallow pools?
Because there is no diving.
What lights up a football stadium?
A football match.
Why do the French never perform ‘the wave’ at a football game?
Because, that’s a gesture reserved for use only in time of war.
How come the magician was so good at football?
He mastered his hat tricks.
Why can’t professional football players own a duck?
Because they don’t want a personal fowl.
A goalkeeper and a striker are arguing over who’s the better writer in their football team.
Their argument becomes so heated that their coach suggests that they do an essay-writing competition. The two teammates agree.
The next day, the two of them are told to spend 2 hours typing an essay on the team’s history and tactics on two old-fashioned desktop computers with attached printers. As the contest goes underway, the two teammates are on even ground, typing furiously and constantly.
One and a half hours into the contest, though, a short blackout hits their area, and the two teammates have to reboot their computers once the power goes back on. When the striker finishes rebooting his computer, he is horrified to see that ALL OF HIS WORK IS GONE. As he fumes about having to retype his work in less than half an hour, he sees his goalkeeper teammate calmly printing out his essay. Furious at the possibility that his teammate cheated, the striker complains to the coach and informs him that the goalkeeper could have been cheating because he didn’t lose any work in the blackout.
The coach laughs and says that the goalkeeper didn’t cheat.
“Why?!” asks the striker.
“It’s easy,” the coach chirps, “the goalkeeper always saves!”
Why is it okay for football players to feel anxious?
For starters, they have to many goals.
What runs around a football field but never moves?
A fence.
Yo mama so stupid, she thought the UFC was a football team.
How did the Jewish football player get hurt?
He Torah ligament!!
A group of musicians namely harpists, pianists, flutists and violinists form a football team. Who are the most important players and why?
Pianists. Because they are the key players.
What would Salvador Dali call his football club if he ever owned one?
It would have been named Surreal Madrid.
Why are football stadiums at risk of burning down?
Because of all the matches.
A blonde walks into a bar.
She orders a drink just as the bartender turns on the TV. The news is on and says six Brazilian football players died in a plane crash. The blonde looks like she is about to cry. The bartender says, “Oh, I’m sorry, did you know one of them?”
She says, “No but six brazillion sounds like a lot”.
Does anyone here like jokes about football?
I get a kick out of them.
Why can’t Pakistanis play football?
Whenever they get a corner, they set up a convenience store.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Uriah.
(Uriah who?)
Keep uriah on the ball!
Why is women’s football so rare?
It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
There was a friendly football match between the employees of Boeing and Airbus. How did the referee die?
He blew the whistle at the end so Boeing killed him.
Why are skunks so bad at football?
They just stink at it.
Two old men were holding up the queue outside the turnstyle before a football game while one of them hunted for his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets, his waistcoat pockets, and his trouser pockets, all to no avail.
“Hang on a minute, said the gateman, “what’s that hanging out of your mouth? It’s the missing ticket!”
As they moved inside, his mate said, “Crikey, Cyril! You must be getting senile in your old age. Fancy having your ticket in your mouth and forgetting about it!”
“’I’m not that stupid, said old Cyril. “I was chewing last week’s date off it.”
Why did the injured footballer buy a big bag of salt after he blew out his knee?
Because he needed NaCl.
What is the most philosophical sports uniform?
Soccer Tees.
Why did Jesus play football on the wing?
He’s great at crosses.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Dozen.
(Dozen who?)
Dozen anyone in this village play football?
Did you hear about the octopus that played football?
He had ten-tackles!
Why did the man go to the football game with a chainsaw?
To get athlete’s foot.
A youth football team that won gold at a tournament also stopped a thief that same day.
And he would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those medalling kids.
A Koala was really into football. It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the Koala National Football Team.
And wouldn’t you know it? It made the team!
It was so excited.
But the night before its first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe.
It got dis-koala-fied.
Recommended: Women Football Jokes
Why do you use your feet in football and your hands in basketball?
Because the ball won’t move by itself.
How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed.
Why aren’t pigs allowed to play football?
Because they always hog the ball.
What do you call a baby potato at a football game?
Spectator.
Why did the football manager keep turning up to matches naked?
Because he’d lost the dressing room.
Do you have a funnier Football joke? Write down your best jokes in the comment section below!
