70 Funny As Useless As Jokes And Sayings

“As Useless As” sayings are a charming quirk of the English language, often employed to humorously underscore the lack of utility in something or someone. These expressions typically make a comparison to something universally acknowledged as ineffective in a given situation, such as “as useless as a chocolate fireguard” or “as useful as a knitted condom.” Such sayings not only add a dash of humour to our daily conversations but also offer a light-hearted way to comment on the absurdities or impractical elements we encounter in life.

Building on this foundation, “As Useless As” jokes take the concept to a whole new level of hilarity. They involve crafting even more outlandish comparisons, delighting in the absurdity of their uselessness. The humour comes from the sheer creativity of inventing impractical comparisons, each trying to be more hilariously pointless than the last. These one-liners transform everyday gripes into a playful challenge of wit and imagination, offering a humorous escape from the ordinary.

Best As Useless As Jokes

1. You’re as useless as the 4 US 4 presidents who wasted trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with… the Taliban.
2. You’re as useless as a condom at a feminist rally.
3. You’re as useless as a Russian VISA card.
4. You’re as useless as Stevie Wonder in a paint store.
5. You’re as useless as the ‘p’ in raspberry.
6. You’re as useless as me at everything ever according to my ex.
7. You’re as useless as a chocolate fireguard.
8. You’re as useless as a wooden leg with a kickstand
9. You’re as useless as a pork pie at a Jewish wedding.
10. You’re as useless as an ethics book in the President or Prime Minister’s office.
11. You’re as useless as a traffic light in GTA.
12. You’re as useless as a waterproof towel.
13. You’re as useless as a glass hammer.
14. You’re as useless as a Plastic saucepan.
15. You’re as useless as ejection seats in a helicopter.

---

Recommended: As Useful As Jokes

---

16. You’re as useless as a trapdoor in a canoe.
17. You’re as useless as a turn signal on a BMW.
18. You’re as useless as a white crayon.
19. You’re as useless as a paper mache bomb shelter.
20. You’re as useless as a treadmill for a fish.
21. You’re as useless as a cat flap in an elephant house.
22. You’re as useless as a snooze button on a smoke alarm.
23. You’re as useless as decaffeinated coffee at a sleepover.
24. You’re as useless as a sundial at night.
25. You’re as useless as a left-handed screwdriver.   
26. You’re as useless as an umbrella in a hurricane.
27. You’re as useless as a sieve for holding water.
28. You’re as useless as a freezer in Antarctica.
29. You’re as useless as a payphone with no coin slot.
30. You’re as useless as a comb to a bald man.
31. You’re as useless as t*ts on a boar hog.
32. You’re as useless as a wet powder.
33. You’re as useless as ‘ay’ in ‘okay’.
34. You’re as useless as a one-armed trapeze artist with an itch.
35. You’re as useless as a calculus book for an infant.
36. You’re as useless as a pogo stick for a Kangaroo.
37. You’re as useless as a fridge for an Eskimo.
38. You’re as useless as a phone booth at the North Pole.
39. You’re as useless as sunglasses for a bat.
40. You’re as useless as square wheels on a train.
41. You’re as useless as ‘ueue’ in a ‘queue’.
42. You’re as useless as a pair of glasses on a man with one ear.
43. You’re as useless as a windshield wiper on a submarine.
44. You’re as useless as a dog that doesn’t bark.
45. You’re as useless as a painkiller that doesn’t kill the pain.
46. You’re as useless as ‘g’ In ‘lasagna’.
47. You’re as useless as a preferred gender section on a job application.
48. You’re as useless as a tennis cleat.
49. You’re as useless as a fart in a hurricane.
50. You’re as useless as a fork in a soup bowl.
51. You’re as useless as a used tissue paper.
52. You’re as useless as an Ice salesman in Alaska.
53. You’re as useless as a marzipan pole vault.
54. You’re as useless as wearing masks to prevent covid-19.
55. You’re as useless as PlayStation stars.
56. You’re as useless as an empty bottle in the middle of the Sahara desert.
57. You’re as useless as the UN.
58. You’re as useless as a boat in the desert.
59. You’re as useless as the warning label on a pack of cigarettes.
60. You’re as useless as the UN and the International Court.
61. You’re as useless as having a security system that isn’t activated.
62. You’re as useless as a holiday on weekdays.
63. You’re as useless as being a liberal.
64. You’re as useless as a lighthouse in a football stadium.
65. You’re as useless as a bra on a giraffe.
66. You’re as useless as sperm cells in m*sturbation.
67. You’re as useless as a celibate h**ker.
68. You’re as useless as a hedgehog in a condom factory.
69. You’re as useless as mermaids. You can neither eat them nor f*ck them.
70. You’re as useless as a one-legged man at an a*se kicking competition.

---

Do you have a funny joke about the As Useless As sayings? Write down your own one-liners in the comment section below!