Laughter is like a universal password. It works everywhere, from classrooms to boardrooms, and even among strangers in an elevator. At the heart of it all are jokes, those magical little nuggets of wit and humor that can turn a bad day into a good one or make awkward silences disappear. The Best Jokes don’t just make you laugh; they leave you thinking, “Why didn’t I come up with that?” They’re the ones you share with friends, knowing they’ll hit just right every time.
Our list of best jokes of all time is like timeless treasures handed down through generations. They have the power to unite everyone, from your dad, who thinks he’s hilarious, to your friend who never cracks a smile. These jokes are crafted so well, they feel like a master class in comedy, where every word plays its part perfectly. It’s like finding a secret recipe for laughter that works on everyone—even the grumpiest uncle at the family reunion.
Best Jokes Ever
What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired.
Scientist: “My findings are meaningless if taken out of context.”
Media: Scientist claims “Findings are meaningless.”
What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?
A Flossiraptor.
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees the dog from a distance and cautiously thinks, “Hmm, this guy looks edible. Never seen his kind before.”
The lion starts rushing toward the dog menacingly. The dog notices and begins to panic, but just as he’s about to run, he spots some bones nearby. Thinking quickly, the dog loudly exclaims, “Mmm… that was some good lion meat!”
Hearing this, the lion abruptly stops in his tracks and thinks, “Whoa! This guy seems tougher than he looks. I better leave while I still can.” The lion retreats cautiously.
Up in the treetops, a monkey witnesses the entire scene. Realizing he could gain favor with the lion, the monkey decides to spill the truth. He swings down and tells the lion what really happened. Furious, the lion growls, “Get on my back! We’ll deal with him together!”
The lion and monkey rush back toward the dog. Spotting them, the dog panics again but quickly comes up with another idea. He shouts loudly, “Where the hell is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!”
What is a Karen called in Europe?
An American.
Why don’t churches have Wi-Fi?
They don’t want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag.
Good thing it changed, since “pound metoo” would’ve been sending the wrong message.
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: It isn’t a question.
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Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent.
What do you call a book club that’s been stuck on one book for years?
Church.
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
After sizing Jim up and deciding he can trust him, Carl shares his grand plan to escape.
“You see,” Carl begins, “for the first five years I was in here, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now, I can eat something, and it comes out broken down into its components.”
Jim looks skeptical but intrigued.
Carl continues, “For the last five years, I’ve been swallowing pieces of my uniform. It’s perfect because the guards just think it’s rats chewing on it.”
Confused but curious, Jim asks, “Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?”
Carl explains, “The pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. By this time next year, I figure we’ll have enough to fashion a rope to climb over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers together.”
Jim, thoroughly disgusted, exclaims, “You have got to be kidding me!”
Carl grins and replies, “I sh*t. You knot.”
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
What happens if Americans switch from pounds to kilograms overnight?
There would be mass confusion.
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks tell them it’s 12345678
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI.
Why did no one in the King’s court laugh when the king farted?
Because noble gases don’t cause a reaction.
A man walks into a bar.
The bartender asks “Why the long face?”
The man replies “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”
The bartender looks shocked and says “I’m sorry I can’t help you kill yourself.”
The man asks “Well what would you do in my situation?”
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says “If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, I’d kill the guy.”
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts “That’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar.
A couple of hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
“Did you kill the guy?” The bartender asks nervously.
“Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please.”
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then what should “bomb” be pronounced?
“BOOM.”
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Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
To see the battlefield.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: “You are the lawyer.”
Lawyer: “Exactly, so where’s my present?”
Why don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the sh*t out of their dogs.
Steve Jobs would’ve been a better president than Trump.
But comparing apples to oranges is unfair.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he notices a $10 bill and a note in the dog’s mouth that reads: “5 lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes up shop to follow him.
He watches in awe as the dog waits for a green light, looks both ways, and trots across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, the dog walks to the front, inspects the bus number, and hops on.
Dumbstruck, the butcher boards too, following the dog as the bus travels to the suburbs. After a while, the dog stands on his back legs, pushes the “stop” bell, and gets off. The butcher follows closely.
The dog runs up to a house, drops the bag of lamb chops on the doorstep, and backs up. He takes a big run and whap! slams into the door. No answer.
The dog repeats the process—slamming into the door several times—then jumps on a wall, circles the garden, beats his head against a window, and jumps back down, waiting at the door.
Finally, a big guy opens the door and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher, furious, runs up and yells, “What the hell are you doing? This dog is a genius!”
The owner replies, “Genius, my ass… it’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”
Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.
Thereisnospacebar.
If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican.
One will take the aliens, another get the predators.
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Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
How do you milk sheep?
Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes.
Why is Spain so good at football?
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor that how he is so clever.
The janitor says, “I got a masters degree in art.”
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN.
You get them VERY ANGRY!
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!
There was an old man who lived in a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”
“What I want you to do…” the man continued. “Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter F.
Why does Waldo wear stripes on his shirt?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
We should’ve known communism would fail.
There were a lot of red flags.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
“Wisdom is yours,” says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, “I should have taken the money.”
What do exploding pandas eat?
BAMBOOM!
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How do you break up two blind guys fighting?
Yell, “My money’s on the guy with the knife!”
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it?
Post office.
How does a Flat Earther travel the world?
On a plane.
What do you call a waffle on a California beach?
A Sandy Eggo.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
People say smoking will give you diseases.
What they don’t know is that it cures salmon.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can’t afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new “gorilla” becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the “Human-like” gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples’ attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions’ den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion’s den. The man starts screaming “HELP!! HELP!!!” Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, “Shut the f*ck up right now or you’re going to get us both fired.”
What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction.
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity?!
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews… only 1 star.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”
The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”
What starts with “e,” ends with “e,” and contains one letter?
An envelope.
Why was 10 traumatized?
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
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How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
A little girl asks her father: “Daddy, what is corruption?”
“Go bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
“But mommy said you should stop drinking!”
“Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.”
“Oh, okay!”
Why did the console player cross the road?
To render the buildings on the other side.
How do you get rich in Ancient Greece? Well, step one, become an oracle. Step two:
Prophet.
What’s the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two.
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Cause light attracts bugs.
A weasel walks into a bar.
The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?
The water. No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.
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Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?
Because his father grounded him.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
Judge: “How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?”
Driver: “I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.”
Judge: “Hit the 2 men of course!”
Driver: “Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.”
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
Hispanic Attacks.
What’s the Presidential ventilator called?
Forced Air One.
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?
Brought it back for a refund.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
Don’t let him drive that cargo freighter,
don’t let him steer that cargo freighter,
don’t let him near that cargo freighter,
early in the morning.
Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
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What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yo momma.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why does Batman only wear dark colors?
Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot.
Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?”
“Yes, my master, I have.”
“And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?”
“Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.”
“And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?”
“Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”
“That is the problem. You keep watching all this sh*t instead of training.”
Why didn’t the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn’t habanero.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?
It was a Big Mcsteak.
Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
Husband: They’re for the dogs.
Husband: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
Me: They don’t know how.
Why are dogs afraid to go to space?
Because of the vacuum.
Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?
10+10=twenty 11+11=twenty too.
Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?
Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
Boy (aged 4): Dad, I’ve decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!
Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!
Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!
Boy: What problem?!
Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!
Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?
“I can’t believe it’s not Buddha.”
So, if Ani is short for Anakin, and Ben is short for Obi-Wan, and Fives is short for CT-27-5555, and Artoo is short for R2D2, and Chewy is short for Chewbacca, what is Luke short for?
A Stormtrooper.
If Stranger Things was British what it’d be called?
Bit Odd Innit?!
If you commit 90 sins, you will be caught about half the time.
Because sin90= cot 45.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What do you call a moose without a name?
Anonymoose.
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!”
The guy, without missing a beat, says, “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him, and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!” The second man replies, “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.”
The man pauses for a half-second and replies, “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
What did one tectonic plate say when they bumped into another?
“Sorry! My Fault!”
What did the third wise man say after his friends had already presented gold and frankincense?
“But wait, there’s myrrh!”
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
“Bison!”
A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink, and says, “Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts.” The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.
The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, “Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts.” The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink ‘before the trouble starts.’ After several rounds of this, the bartender says, “Look Sailor, you’ve been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this ‘trouble’ going to start?”
The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. “The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don’t have any money.”
Got an email explaining how to read maps backward.
It was spam.
I saw a sign that said “Duck, eggs”.
At first, I was confused about the comma, but then it hit me.
In Hawaii it is illegal to laugh at jokes loudly.
You have to keep it a low ha.
A gingerbread man went to the doctor’s office complaining of a sore knee.
When being examined, the doctor asked “Have you tried icing it yet?”
A dog sees a “Now hiring” poster outside of a computer store.
The poster reads:
“Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer.”
The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. “Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter,” and leaves the room.
30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.
“Well, I’ll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?” he asks himself.
20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.
He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. “Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you’re a dog.”
The dog nudges the words “We are an equal opportunity employer.” on the poster, and the manager sighs.
“There’s no way you’re bilingual.”
The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, “Meow.”
I was given the choice between a 2,000+lb South Korean coin, and a Chinese appetizer.
The over one ton won, won over the one wonton.
Why did Sir Isaac Newton find it so hard to wake up in the morning?
Newton’s First Law: A body at rest wants to stay at rest.
Did you know that bowling alleys are really quiet?
You can hear a pin drop.
Where do bad rainbows go?
to prism. it’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
What’s worse than it raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree.
Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!”
Teacher: “What is the chemical formula for Water?”
Johnny: “H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O”.
Teacher: “What are you talking about?”
Johnny: “But yesterday you told us the formula was H to O!”
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Do you know that theory about no two people see colors exactly the same way..?
Surely it’s a pigment of their imagination.
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable.
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork,
But the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane.
What do you call a pirate wearing a sombrero?
A sea señor.
Do you have a funny joke? Write down your best jokes in the comment section below!
