Are you tired of the same old sweet birthday jokes? Ready for something a little more adult? Well, you’re in the right spot! Our curated list of naughty birthday jokes is ready to shake up the usual birthday banter. Tailored for those who enjoy a side of cheekiness with their cake, these jokes add an unexpected twist to the celebrations.
With a dash of naughtiness and a sprinkle of the inappropriate, they’re perfect for the adult him or her who appreciates a bolder sense of humor.
Adult Birthday Jokes
Why did the man’s lesbian neighbors get him a Rolex for his birthday?
Surely they misunderstood when he said, “I wanna watch.”
What does a college student want for his birthday?
D cup-cakes.
“Excuse me, sonny, you can’t have one of them, they’re adult magazines.”
“I’m sorry mister, I wanted one for my dad. It’s his birthday and my mum said I had to get the wanker a suitable present.”
What do you call a pinata at an emo kid’s birthday party?
The birthday boy.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Olive.
(Olive who?)
Olive you and can’t wait to celebrate many more birthdays with you.
As the girlfriend unwrapped the condom, the boyfriend began to smile.
She suddenly stopped and stared at him.
“What the f*ck? You call this a birthday present?”
How do you tell if a priest acts as a birthday clown in his spare time?
The wine tastes funny.
A girlfriend told his boyfriend they could watch p*rn for his birthday and do everything that they saw in the video.
He was super psyched until she f*cked the pizza guy.
What is the worst thing about your birthday being on September 11?
Party crashers.
Why did the husband buy for his wife’s birthday a pair of slippers and a d*ldo?
In case she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself.
A man is constantly asking his wife for a threesome for his birthday and every year the wife says no.
This continues for several years until finally, the wife has enough and finally agrees.
“Ok George, yes you can have your damn threesome. Who do you want it to be with?”
George quickly responds with… “Well, do you remember Sarah who works in accounting at my office?”
“Yes, of course….” the wife responds.
“Well, with her… and one of her friends,” George responded.
What is marriage?
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
What is the number one cause of death?
Too many birthdays.
A few days after his 10th birthday, Little Johnny’s parents sit him down for a talk.
The dad says, Johnny, you are ten years old, and in a few months you will have a little sister. It’s time you learned where babies come from.”
Little Johnny replied, “Mom! Dad! Not again! Last year, you told me Santa wasn’t real. The year before, it was the tooth fairy. Are you about to tell me that people don’t actually f*ck?”
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
Wait until it’s born.
How do you know you’re fifty?
When your chiropractor sends you birthday cards.
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Joseph told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell me to wait because she was coming too.
And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no f*ckin’ bike.”
For his friend’s birthday, a man sent him a video of a stripper counting to 10.
He says, “It’s not much, but it’s the thot that counts.”
A little girl says to her mommy, “Instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven’t got any, you know the ones?
“Who?” asked the mother.
“The ones on daddy’s computer.”
Birthday: The anniversary of the day God slapped you on the butt and said, “Okay Kid, go get in the game. Play hard, play fair, and don’t get too many penalty flags.”
When you were born your mom said, “It’s a treasure.”
Dad said, “Ya then let’s bury.”
Why did the husband get divorced?
Well, last week was his birthday. His wife didn’t wish him a happy birthday. His parents forgot and so did his kids. he went to work and even his colleagues didn’t wish him a happy birthday. As he entered his office, his secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” He felt so special. She asked him out for lunch. After lunch, she invited him to her apartment. They went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” he said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, his wife, his parents, his kids, his friends, & his colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while he was waiting on the sofa… completely naked.
What did the armless boy get for his birthday?
Gloves. Just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.
Did you hear about the blind kid who got a cheese grater for his birthday?
A week later, he said that it was the most violent book he has ever read.
A wife had a problem buying a birthday present for her husband.
As she was walking next to a pet shop, she saw a huge banner: “We sell frogs that suck dick!” She wasn’t too keen on giving him oral sex, so she thought she can kill two birds with one stone.
When she gave her husband the present on Friday evening, he immediately locked himself with the frog in his room for the entire weekend.
As she was leaving for work Monday morning she saw her husband in the kitchen with the frog. There were all kinds of cooking books and ingredients on the table.
She asked him why the hell wasn’t he getting ready for work and what was he doing in the kitchen with the frog.
He just turned around and said, “If I can manage to teach it how to cook – you’re getting the f… out of here!”
Why it’s always a good idea to make friends with babies?
That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Joe wants to celebrate his birthday and decides to invite his friend Fred for a night of drinking. They enter their first bar to find the lowest price for a drink is $10. The men brought little money expecting the other to be paying for the night and are able to scrounge $5 between the both of them. Fred says, “What are we gonna do with so little?” Joe thinks for a moment and says, “I’ll be right back.” He leaves the bar and returns with a sausage and $4 change. “What? I’m not hungry! We have even less!” exclaims Fred. Joe says, “Relax, just order us some drinks. I have a plan.” Fred gets the drinks and they sit and finish them. “What now? I’m not drunk and we can’t start a tab” “Get under the table and suck on this sausage.” whispers Joe as he unzips his jeans and pokes it out the hole. Fred objects but Joe convinces him it’s this or jail. He goes down and within moments two bouncers come and throw them out the door. “Haha it worked, we got out without paying!” cheered Fred. “That’s right,” says Joe. “We just have to repeat for the rest of the bars in town.”
Bar after bar they use the same trick. Finally, Fred says after his fourteenth drink, “I can’t take much more of this, I’m feeling really drunk.”
“Yes, me too,” says Joe. “The guilt is getting to me. I lost that sausage four bars ago.”
How is a birthday card like a masturbating knight?
Both of them came in the mail.
Do you know birthdays sound like borderline satanic rituals out of context?
The members gather around a flaming object, chanting a repetitive phrase in unison, until the flaming object is put out and it is stabbed with a knife.
A married man keeps telling his wife “Honey, you have such a beautiful butt.”
Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man’s birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words “Beautiful butt” tattooed on her ass.
She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, “You do have a beautiful butt”. She then tells the man she wants a Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass. The man tells her, “I can’t fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek, and that can stand for a beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.
On the man’s birthday, she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says, “Look, honey.” She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells, “WHO THE F*CK IS BOB?!”
What can you say both at the birthday party and at an execution?
“Wait, let me get the knife.”
A priest is hearing confession.
“Hey Padre, I had sex with two nineteen-year-old girls last night. It was my seventieth birthday, I stopped in a bar for a drink, and one thing led to another…”
The priest offers guidance, then suggests contrition: “Pray the rosary every morning for a week, then ask God for strength to resist temptation”
“Padre, how do I do that? I’m Jewish”.
“Jewish? Why are you telling me this?”
“I’m seventy! I’m telling everybody!”
What do you get a gay person for their birthday?
Sunscreen. They’ll need it in hell.
An old man is celebrating his 90th birthday.
His grandson wants to do something special for him and knows he hasn’t been laid in over 30 years. He decides to order him a prostitute.
The birthday boy is hanging out in his room at the senior care center and hears a knock on the door. “Wwwwhoo is it?” He says as he opens the door.
“Hi, I’m Misty. I’m here to offer you SUPER SEX!” says the escort.
“Oh…” Says the old man.
“I’ll take the soup!”
Did you hear about the ISIS children’s birthday party?
Musical chairs was pretty slow, but man was pass the parcel quick.
A kid bought his brother a dictionary for his birthday.
“Why did you get me this?” the brother asked.
He said, “Because you are stupid.”
Later, the brother bought him a d*ldo for his birthday.
“Why did you get me this?” he asked.
He said, “Because you are a cunt.”
What did the urologist say on his son’s birthday?
“Urine for a treat!”
There are two old ladies at a park. One is rich while the other one is poor. It was the Rich lady’s birthday last week.
“My husband got me a diamond ring for my birthday,” says the rich lady.
“That’s nice!” says the poor lady.
“He also got me a Mercedes C class,” says the rich lady.
“That’s nice!” says the poor lady.
“So what did yours get you?” asks the rich lady.
“A book about anger management,” says the poor lady.
“Ha! And I can see it hasn’t worked” says the rich lady
“Oh, it did actually,” says the poor lady. “Before I used to say ‘f*ck off’ and now I say ‘that’s nice!’”
What did the blind deaf orphan get on his birthday?
Cancer.
A man is going hunting for his birthday.
And he wants his wife to join him. She tells him, “Honey I know it’s your birthday, but I really don’t want to go hunting. Is there anything else I can do?”
The man tells his wife that the only way he won’t be upset is if she lets him try anal. He tells her to think about it while he goes and loads up the dogs in the truck. He comes back and she tells him, “Well I really don’t want to go hunting, and I don’t think I can do anal, but what about if I give you the best bl*wjob of your life.”
The man thinks about it and decides that’s a fair trade. His wife ties her hair up and gets ready to go, and as soon as she starts to go down on him she immediately comes up and starts gagging. She screams, “Honey, why does your dick taste like shit! That was disgusting!!” The man says, “The dogs didn’t wanna go hunting either!”
Did you hear about the boyfriend who organized a secret Bukkake party for his girlfriend’s birthday?
Everybody came, you should have seen her face.
Recommended: Birthday Knock Knock Jokes
“What do you want for your birthday?” asked the girlfriend.
“Anal sex,” he replied
“Haahahaha, nice try. Tell me something I can buy.”
“Ok, anal sex with a prostitute.”
A mother sends her little son out to get some edible silver balls for the top of a birthday cake.
The son misunderstands and comes back with a bag of very small steel ball bearings. Being so tiny, nobody notices them as they’re swallowed from the top of the cake. That is, until the next morning.
The elder daughter comes downstairs and says “Mum, I was so uncomfortable this morning. I had a shit and it was full of steel ball bearings. I heard it bounce off the toilet bowl!”
The younger daughter comes down and says, “Mum, I took my sanitary towel off this morning and it was covered in steel ball bearings.”
What does a white kid get for his 10th birthday?
Shot in school.
Do you know why terrorists like birthdays?
There’s no other perfect day to have a blast.
Feeling inspired to craft your own cheeky birthday humor? We’d love to hear it! Share your best dirty birthday jokes in the comments below. Let’s turn the heat up and keep the inappropriate laughs coming!
What’s the easiest way to remember your wife’s birthday?
Forget it once!