Cows may look innocent with their big eyes and slow chew, but adults know they’re not just farm animals—they’re walking, mooing setups for adult humor. With all that time spent standing in mud and staring blankly into space, they’ve become the perfect stars of Dirty Cow Jokes that land just right after a long day.
Dirty Cow Jokes aren’t for kids, and that’s what makes them fun. They take that sweet farm vibe and flip it into something playfully wrong. Grown-ups can’t help but laugh when the jokes turn from pasture to naughty pasture, all thanks to the world’s most underestimated comedian—the cow.
Adult Cow Jokes
What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.
What do you call a fascist cow?
Moo-solini.
What’s the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
Can’t milk a cow for so many years.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
My severely diabetic sister.
How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
Look under it. If it’s not one thing, it’s an udder.
“Are these gay cows, daddy?”
“No, they’re bison.”
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irishman all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says, “Could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says, “Could you pass the sugar, sugar?”
The Irish man, not wanting to be outwitted by the other two men, looks over at his wife and says, “Could you pass me the milk ye f*cking cow?”
What do you call a cow that gets an abortion?
Decaffeinated.
What do you call a m@sturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff.
What do you call viagra for cows?
Hamburger Helper.
A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost.
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.
“I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn,” says the Farm Owner.
The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it’s no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.
“I’m sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me.”
“No problem,” says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again, though, he returns and knocks. “There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings.”
“I will go then, friends,” says the Jehovah’s Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It’s the cow and the pig.
Recommended: Cow Jokes
What type of milk does a dominatrix cow make?
Heavy Whipping Cream.
What do you call cows that don’t have a sense of humor?
Feminists.
What do you call a disabled cow
A veggie burger.
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening; “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.” The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Alberta?” The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. “You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?”
The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Alberta.”
What type of milk do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
What does a woman have two of that a cow has four of?
Legs.
Hindus are the first to spread body positivity.
They worship cows.
Three bulls heard that the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”
Second Bull: “I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”
Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”
Just then, an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend.”
Second Bull: “I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: “Son, don’t be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”
Third Bull: “Hell, he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.”
What’s in front of a woman and the backside of a cow?
(w)
Did you hear about the terrorist cow bombing?
It was cattlecalysmic.
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said Little Johnny..
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:
“Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
Half a cow.
How do cows pleasure themselves?
Moosturbation.
What’s the difference between a cowboy hat and a cow tail?
The cow tail covers the entire assh*le.
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor”.
“The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body.”
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”
What do you call a cow that died in a helicopter crash?
Kobe beef.
Why do cows hate farmers?
Because they always quit after foreplay.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To go to the Feminists Convention.
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed, and he replied, “Some things you just can’t explain…
This morning I was outside milking a cow. As soon as the bucket was full, the cow kicked it down with his left foot, so I tied up his left foot to a pole. I began to fill up the bucket again, and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right foot to a pole too. As soon as I finished milking the cow again, he knocked down the bucket with his tail, and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt. As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can’t explain.”
A man says to his wife, “Apparently, the milkman has had sex with every woman but one on our street.”
“I bet it’s that stuck-up cow at No.36,” replies the wife.
How do cows make babies?
By following the instructions in the Cow Moo Sutra.
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull, and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year; you could learn from him.”
They proceeded to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.” They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one.”
The man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow.”
What happened when the one French cow went down on the udder?
She bleu cheese.
How does a Spanish cow tell another Spanish cow that they have a grass stain?
Mucho Grassy-A$$.
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, you can’t come in here with a cow!”
The man says, “This is a special cow. You can drink all night, take one sip of what comes outta this thing, and you won’t be hungover.”
“You’re lying,” says the bartender.
“Only one way to find out,” says the man. “Let me buy you a few shots.”
The man and the bartender proceed to get drunk all the way past close, laughing, having a good time, and knowing they’re gonna feel horrible the next day.
Finally, the bartender, says, “Alright, we gotta shut. Give me some of that anti-hangover milk!”
The man says, “I have good news and bad news.”
“I knew it!” said the bartender. “You lied to me! That thing doesn’t prevent hangovers!”
“Oh, that’s the good news,” says the man. “It definitely prevents hangovers.”
“So what’s the bad news?” asks the bartender.
The man says, “Actually, that’s a bull.”
Did you hear about the farmer that used cow dung as a fleshlight?
That sh*t was f*cked.
What are the two sexiest animals on the farm?
Brown Chicken, Brown Cow.
A Scottish cow farmer sees an Englishman crossing his field.
The Englishman stoops down to a little stream to take a drink. The Scotsman yells, “Ye cannae drink tha! It’s fool of coo piss an’ shite!”
To which the Englishman says, “I can’t understand you. Speak English properly.”
The Scotsman responds, “I said use both hands!”
What do you call a clergyman who has sex with male and female cows?
A bi bull humper.
What does an an@l org@sm have in common with unadulterated cow juice?
WHole milk.
What do you call a cow on the ground?
Ground Beef!
But…
What do you call a cow with 5 Legs?
That’s no cow….. that’s a bull.
What do you call cow cum?
Cream cheese.
What do you call a holy cow?
A pasture.
3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.
The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.
The Fairy said, “If any of you is able to satisfy me sexually, I’ll bring the cow back from the dead.”
The first brother takes her into the jungle and comes back with her after 1 hour. The fairy says she’s not impressed.
The second brother takes her into the jungle and comes back with her after 3 hours. The fairy says she’s still not impressed.
Now the third brother takes her into the jungle and comes back with her the next day after almost 24 hours.
The fairy, clearly exhausted and almost dead, says to the other 2 brothers, “I’m giving your cow back. Your brother is just insane. I haven’t seen such raw sexual stamina before.”
“Well”, one of the brothers replies, “How do you think the cow died?”
A slutty woman dances at a farm ho down.
She drinks too much and passes out. She wakes up noticing she’s underneath a cow’s udders and then says “Sure, boys. I’m willling”.
Why did God give women one more brain cell than a cow?
So they don’t shit on the floor while doing dishes.
A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later.
He built a wall with barbed wire on top.
A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate with a cow.
Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.
The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.
The consultant explained, “First of all.. stand 60 feet away from the wall. Then run at 60mph. Then jump at a 60° angle. Do what you want, then come back the same way.”
The bull asked, “But what if I mess up with the calculations and lose my BALLs in the barbed wires?”
The consultant said, “Then you become a consultant.”
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Why didn’t God allowed cows to fly?
Because stakes would be too high.
A man comes into a bedroom with a dog in his arms.
And he says, “See, honey, this is the ugly cow I have to cuddle with when you have a headache.”
Wife replies, “You idiot, that is a dog, not a cow, are you drunk again?!”
“Shut up, I was not talking to you.”
What did the cow say in traffic?
“Moo b*tch, get out the way.”
What do you call a cow who does sex work?
A new york stripper.
What do you call a cow that explodes?
A mooooslim.
One day, a farm boy arrives late for school.
“Why are you late?” asks the teacher.
“I had to take the bull down to the field to mate with the cow,” explains the boy.
“Couldn’t your dad have done that?” asks the teacher.
“He could have,” replies the boy. “But I think the bull did a better job than he would have done.”
What do you call it when multiple bulls jack off on a cow’s face?
Moo-Kake.
What’s the difference between a cow and a millenial?
One eats grass and the other eats a$$.
Why did they come up with the medical term PMS?
Because mad cow disease was already taken..
A farmer shoves his hand up his cow’s rear end.
And rubs the poop on his chapped lips.
His son asks, “Does that help your chapped lips?”
The farmer replied, “No, but it stops me from licking them.”
Why do people drink cows milk?
Because we’d have to pay people!
What’s the difference between slavery and a cow?
You can’t milk a cow for 150 years.
What do you call a happy cow?
Laughing stock. What do you call a grumpy cow?
A feminist.
How do you make milk duds?
Get a cow constipated.
Do you have a dirty cow joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
