Zoo trips usually begin with big plans, and even bigger snack bags. As soon as the gates open, everyone starts walking, and before long, the place feels like a maze. There are signs everywhere, yet people still end up wandering around trying to find the “main” animals. Time slips by between walking, staring, and acting like the animal facts actually make sense. By the end of it all, your legs are sore, your water bottle is empty, and somehow the exit feels much farther away than anything you came to see.
Somewhere along all that walking and waiting, zoo jokes just start happening. One person says something funny, someone else adds to it, and soon the whole group is laughing without any real reason. The jokes keep building as you move along, getting sillier as the day goes on. Even during the slow moments, the laughter keeps things fun. By the time it’s over, those jokes are what everyone remembers most, even more than the animals.
Best Zoo Jokes
To start a zoo, you need at least two pandas, a grizzly, and three polars.
That’s the bear minimum.
Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped.
It was otter chaos.
Two drunks stagger into the lion’s cage at the zoo. The lion roars, and one drunk said,
“I’m getting out of here!”
“Not me,” the other drunk said. “I’m staying for the movie.”
A zookeeper calls an ambulance and says, “Help, a crocodile took my leg off!”
The Emergency Medical Technician asks, “Oh my god, which one?”
“I don’t know”, the zookeeper says, ” those damn creatures all look the same!”
A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier…
“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”
That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.
“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”
That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:
“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it- send me another mongoose.”
Why was the snake pressed against the glass at the zoo?
He wanted to be a windshield viper.
Yo mama so ugly, she walked into a zoo, a gorilla leaned over and said: “Yo when’d you get out?”
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthesic.
There’s safety in numb bears.
The gorillas at the Denver Zoo are using iPads. One even learned how to order goods over the internet by downloading an app.
called Amazon Primate.
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can’t afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new “gorilla” becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the “Human-like” gorilla.
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get people’s attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions’ den next to him. A large crowd of people gathers to watch the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly, the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion’s den. The man starts screaming, “HELP!! HELP!!!” Suddenly, a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, “Shut up right now, or you’re going to get us both fired.”
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It’s a Shitzu.
What vegetable has a bunch of Animals inside it?
A ZOO-cchini!
A zookeeper spots a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit.
“Why are you doing that?” asks the keeper.
“The sign says it’s okay,” replies the visitor.
“It says, ‘Do not feed. $10 fine.’
Yo mama is so ugly, she needs two tickets to go to the zoo- one to get in, one to get out.
Which zoo animal should you never believe?
Hippo-crits.
A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop.
“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”
“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”
The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.
“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I need you to take them to a zoo immediately.”
The man replies, “I’ll take them right away,” and drives off.
The next day, the police officer sees the same exact van driving by and to his astonishment, it is still full of penguins! He pulls the man over again, and notices that he and the penguins are all wearing sunglasses, sunscreen, and Hawaiian shirts.
The officer gapes at him and says, “Sir, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!”
“Yes, I did,” the man replies. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts, “Hey, are you a caiman?”
“I’m alright, thanks, kid!” He replies.
What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has the name of the animal on the cage along with the recipe.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
An Irishman and his son went to the zoo.
A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age.”
The little boy gives the elephant a bun, and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.
“Wow,” says the boy, “That’s right, I am 6, you have a go, Dad!”
The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun…
A moment later, the elephant farts and stomps twice.
“Bajaysus, that’s right,” said the father, “I am farty two!”
Which Greek God loved to collect animals?
Zoos.
It must be tough working in the shipping and receiving department of a zoo.
No one ever addresses the elephant in the room.
Recommended: Giraffe Jokes
Yo mama so hairy, when she took you to the zoo they threw her in a cage.
How come there are no races at the zoo?
There’s to many cheetahs.
A man walks into a bar and asks for the bill.
The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn’t order anything.
The man says, “I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,… walked into a bar. I’m here to pay for the damages.”
Just back from the zoo. Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures.
It was bread in captivity.
A couple of pandas broke out of the zoo yesterday.
It was Panda-monium.
An orangutan at the zoo was reading two books: The Bible and Darwin’s The Origin of Species.
He was trying to figure out whether he is his brother’s keeper or his keeper’s brother.
A baby camel asks his father, “Dad, why do we have a hump on our back?”
The dad replies, “So that we can store water in those.”
He then asks, “Why do we have hooves then?”
The dad replies, “To prevent our feet from sinking in the sand.”
After thinking this over, he then asks, “Then why do we have big eyelids?”
The dad replies, “To prevent the sand from entering our eyes.”
The baby camel finally asks, “Dad, what the hell are we doing in a zoo?”
What do you call a lion whose car brakes down 10 km before he reaches the zoo?
A taxi.
The strangest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.
That sh*t was bananas.
Recommended: Wildlife Jokes
Yo mama so old, the first animal she saw at the zoo was a Wolly Mammoth.
What’s in the kitchen but belongs in a zoo?
A pan, duh.
There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book, he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.
Some time later, he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It’s gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see if what’s in the book is actually true. At night, he climbed over a wall to get into the zoo – and found himself right in the lion enclosure! He managed to escape the lions by jumping over them and then climbing up a tree.
He was later arrested and charged with smuggling ill eagle goods over state lions for immortal porpoises.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity.
The leopard tried to escape the zoo but it was spotted.
They have a toothless grizzly at the zoo.
Biggest gummy bear you’ll ever see.
Two tourists from the Czech Republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.
Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks him, “Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?”
“That one! That one!” exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open and pulls out … a feeder pig.
“Oh no, it must have been the other one”, yells the tourist. So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist.
In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there’s still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.
I have the memory of an elephant.
When I was six, my parents took me to the zoo. There I saw an elephant.
A blonde was visiting the zoo and reached the big cat exhibit.
“I wonder what these tigers would say if they could talk,” she said to the man next to her.
He replied, “I’m pretty sure they’d say ‘We are leopards.'”.
Recommended: Panda Jokes
There’s a white bear at the zoo who likes girl bears and boy bears.
He’s a bi-polar.
The animals in the zoo were talking amongst themselves about the recent drought.
The cows said they hoped it would rain soon as the fields they grazed in were dry and turning brown.
The giraffes said they hoped it rained soon as the leaves on the tops of the trees were sparse.
The monkeys hoped it would rain because the branches of the trees were dry and snapping, making it hard for them to swing around.
The kangaroo said she hoped it wouldn’t rain.
When the other animals pressed her as to why not, she replied, “Because then my kids will be inside all weekend!”
Johnny’s new girlfriend works at the zoo.
She thinks she’s a keeper.
What do you call a sugary vehicle full of animals?
A-zoo-car.
Get it? Because azucar is Spanish for sugar.
What can you find at a zoo that’s always working with computers?
RAM.
Early one morning, an elephant knocks over a fence and walks out of the zoo.
A couple of hours later, the police get a frantic call from an elderly woman: “There’s an enormous grey animal in my back yard!”
The policeman notes without enthusiasm: “Uh-huh. Grey animal. Are you sure it’s not a lost Great Dane, ma’am?”
“Look, my eyes may not be so good anymore, but I can tell this thing is WAY bigger than some dog! And it’s tearing up my vegetables with its huge tail!”
“Right. Huge tail. Vegetables.” He tries to stifle a snicker. “You think that’s hard to believe, young man? Wait’ll I tell you where it’s putting them!!”
You’re telling me the animals I see at the zoo come from different places around the world, where they kill each other just to survive?
That’s wild.
How do zoo animals stay informed of current events?
They watch the gnus.
What do you do when you want to go to the zoo with your kids, but it’s too far away?
Take them to the dog pound.
Recommended: Crocodile Jokes
A father and son from Germany went to a zoo in Australia.
So upon arrival, the little son pointed at the first animal he saw. Staring at a kangaroo, he asked, “Daddy, what is this animal called?”
“Well, my son, this animal lives especially in Australia, and it’s called a dangerou.” answered dad.
The son looked around and saw a lion standing on a hill. His eyes began to shine, and he yelled, “Wow dad! What kind of animal is that?!”
The father said, “This is the king of the jungle, and it’s called a dangerou.”
Suddenly, they heard the sound of an elephant nearby. They went a little closer and the son said, “Daddy, we don’t have these big animals back in Germany, right? What is it called?”
Father replied, “Correct, son, this animal is one of the biggest animals in the world and it’s called a dangerou.”
The little boy frowned and asked, “But dad, weren’t the other animals also called dangerou?”
“Correct again!” Father said. “You still have a lot to learn, little boy, but once you understand the English language, you can read the signs saying ‘all animals are dangerous’.”
What’s a place you should never try to kill two birds with one stone?
The zoo.
Which song is about a boring zoo?
Walking in a winter “1-deer land”.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Zoo.
(Zoo who?)
Zoo want to be my valentine?!
Why didn’t the new zookeeper recognize the zoo’s giraffe?
Because he’d never seen herbivore.
A woman met the zoo director in the store.
As the zoo director was grabbing tomatoes, the woman asked, “Didn’t you guys say that you’re looking for some energetic animals?”
The zoo director responded, “Yes.”
“Small ones?”
He smiled, “Yes.”
“Vicious?”
His eyes widened, “Yes.”
“The type that eats mailmen?”
He groaned, “For the last time, Elizabeth, we’re not taking your children!”
Did you hear about the new big cat at the zoo?
Neither has he, he’s a Def Leppard.
What did the koalas say to the zookeeper after he cut their claws?
“Eucalyptus!”
A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work.
A week later, when he’s feeding the penguins, one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.
“Praise God, it’s a miracle!” says the delighted zookeeper.
“Not really,” says the penguin, “Your name is written on the inside cover.”
Recommended: Horse Jokes
What’s a zookeeper’s favorite pasta?
Turtle-llini.
Why shouldn’t you take a bear to the zoo?
Because they’d rather go to the cinema!
A zookeeper walks into a pub with an elephant and orders two beers.
After a few hours and a few more drinks, the elephant collapses drunk on the floor. As the zookeeper stumbles for the door, the bartender calls after him, “Hey! You can’t just leave that lyin’ here!”
The zookeeper slurs, “That’s not a lion; it’s an elephant.”
Do you have a funnier Zoo joke? Write down your best jokes in the comment section below!
