Space is huge and quiet, full of darkness, drifting rocks, and missions that push both skill and patience to the limit. Astronauts spend years preparing, but nothing really gets them ready for how odd life feels when everything floats and even the smallest slip turns into a story they will never forget. Even so, they keep heading out there, chasing answers far beyond Earth.
Dirty space jokes tend to come from those awkward moments that never show up in official reports. On long missions, serious talk slowly gives way to humor as boredom creeps in and things start to feel a little strange. Those stories hang around, shared with a knowing smile, proving that no matter how far from Earth they are, people still cannot stay serious for long.
Adult Space Jokes
Why do bees go to space?
For their honeymoon.
Why can’t there be an all-woman space crew?
They would deny there’s a problem.
Why does your butt get more muscley in space?
It’s all the assteroids.
A man gains the ability to teleport objects through space, but it doesn’t work on his wife…
Because women aren’t objects.
Why are there no transvestites in space?
Because there is zero drag.
When will NASA send the first woman to the moon?
When it needs to be cleaned.
How about Mars?
When they finish with the moon.
Why are they called hemorrhoids?
Because asteroids was already taken.
How do you throw a party in outer space?
You Planet around Uranus!
Three dinosaurs come across a magical lamp.
The first dinosaur rubs it, and a genie appears.
“I have three wishes. One for each of you,” the genie says.
The first dinosaur doesn’t hesitate before his request, “All right, I’ll have a big, juicy piece of meat.” Immediately, a big, juicy piece of meat appears in front of him.
Instantly envious, the second dinosaur speaks up. “Well, I want a shower of meat!” As soon as he utters his wish, a shower of meat rains down upon him.
The third dinosaur, not to be outdone, has to think for a second about what could possibly be better than a shower of meat.
“Aha, I’ve got it!” he proclaims. “I’ll have a meatier shower!”
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because Curiosity killed them all.
What is it called when someone comes in space?
Astronut.
What did Jesse say to Woody when they were having a threes0me with Buzz Lightyear?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
Why is Mars red?
Because it saw Uranus.
Can you imagine if human beings actually came from space…
Rather than feet pics?!
What has 3 balls and comes from outer space?
E.T. the extra testicle.
What came before the Big Bang?
The Big Foreplay.
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, “What are the guys in the big suits doing?”
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.
Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said: “Watch out for these guys; they’ve come to steal your land.”
Ladies. If your man is giving you both the moon and stars.
You should be willing to sacrifice Uranus.
What do you call a rooster NASA has sent into space?
A shuttle c*ck.
How do you fuck a supermassive black hole?
With a big bang.
If I cummed in outer space and it just kept floating away and somehow I gave an alien a facial, what would it be called?
A Cumet.
What happened before the Big Bang?
Likely massage and a light fondle.
One night, two aliens descend from outer space and land their little spaceship next to an old gas station in a small town.
They get out and walk up to one of the old gas pumps. The little alien says, “Take me to your leader.” The gas pump doesn’t say or do anything. Slightly annoyed, the little alien repeats, “Take me to your leader.” The gas pump still says or does nothing. The little alien pulls his blaster from his space suit and points it at the pump. “Listen to me! If you don’t take me to your leader NOW, I’ll blow your damn brains out!”
The big alien, wanting to calm the situation down pretty quickly, says, “Hang on a minute. I wouldn’t fuck with this guy.” The little alien replies, “No! You watch me! If this asshole doesn’t take me to his leader ima fuck his whole life up!”
He turns back to the gas pump, “If you don’t take me to your leader NOW, I’m going to shoot!” The gas pump still doesn’t say anything. The little alien fired his blaster. The explosion was so powerful that it blew the two aliens far out over the other side of town. They land in the hills and slowly get up, brushing the fire off of their space suits.
The big alien says, “I told you not to fuck with that guy.”
“How did you know he was so powerful?”
“Well, anyone that can take his own dick, wrap it around himself twice, and stick it in his ear is bound to be one bad mother fucker!”
What do you call a floating p*nis?
Space junk.
If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, where are all the other genders from?
They were pulled out Uranus!
What’s the gassiest planet in the Galaxy?
Some call it JewPiter.
What does an astronomer call his p*nis?
The pillar of creation.
Where can you find the most attractive holes?
In galaxies.
Everyone knows what Neil Armstrong said as he stepped onto the moon, but few people know what he said as he boarded the lander to take off: “Good luck, Mr. Kowalski.”
Years later, when a biographer asked him about it, Armstrong told him about a time he heard his neighbors having a huge fight.
Mrs. Kowalski was really tearing into her husband; Neil could hear her yelling from clear across his yard. Curious, he snuck closer to the window of their house just in time to hear Mrs. Kowalski shout:
“For the last time, quit asking Bernie! I’ll suck your d*ck when the Armstrong kid walks on the moon and not a day before!”
What do you get if you sit in one place for too long on the Space Shuttle?
ASSter-roids!
What’s special about making love in a zero-gravity space?
We’re both on top at the same time.
What happens when you replace the word ‘black’ with the word ‘a$$?’
There is a supermassive ass hole in the center of the galaxy.
What is Osama Bin Laden’s favorite TV show?
Big Bang theory.
Science flies into space.
Religion into high buildings.
A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers.
The first guy asks, “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”
The second guy says, “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?”
The first guy explains, “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”
What do you call a space p*rn industry?
SpaceX.
What do you call a bl@ck man in a space suit?
An astronaut, you damn r@cist.
Why don’t Jews visit the planets past the asteroid belt?
Because they are all gas giants.
What was the first 0rgy called?
The big BANG.
What happens if you m@sturbate in outer space?
Your org@sm would be out of this world.
Why does everyone forget the Spanish space race?
They even sent a man in a car to the space.
What’s the difference between satellites and gay people?
Satellites stay on the roof.
Do you have a Dirty Space joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
