Life on a muddy farm looks pretty straightforward for a pig, until people start overthinking every little thing it does. It just rolls around in the dirt, snorts, and goes about its day, while the humans nearby whisper and laugh about things that have nothing to do with farm life. Somehow, the pig ends up at the center of these odd conversations, as if its normal behavior is part of some messy story people have cooked up in their own minds.
That same tendency is where dirty pig jokes really come from, turning something harmless into something a bit cheeky. One evening, a group chatting about farm life slowly drifted into sillier territory, and soon the pig became the focus of stories that kept getting more ridiculous. In the end, the humor wasn’t about the pig at all, but about how people twist a simple idea into something playful, laughing more at their own imagination than anything the pig actually did.
Adult Pig Jokes
What do you call a pig pleasuring itself?
Masturbacon.
What do you call a pig in the Red Light District?
Pulled Pork.
What do you call two pigs sleeping together?
Makin’ bacon.
What happens when you mix pig DNA and human DNA
You get kicked out of the zoo.
“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy. “Why not, son?”
“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week, and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago, one of the pigs died, and we had roast pork the next day.” “But why don’t you want to go today?”
“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”
What happened when Harry Potter kissed a pig?
He got hog warts.
How do lesbian pigs turn down males?
“I hate to break it to you but you’re kind of a boar.”
A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.
While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”
The other farmer replied, “If they’re lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they’ll be pregnant. If they’re lying in the mud, they’re not.”
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.
The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”
“Neither,” yelled his wife, “They’re in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn.”
How does a mommy pig make a daddy pig happy?
She gives him a ham job.
Did you hear about the farmer running the illicit sex ring?
Apparently, it was a pig fucking deal.
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy.
“No, they went into town.” The boy replied.
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked.
“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said.
The farmer stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says, “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”
“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably, “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment, then said, “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
Pigs have twelve nipples.
It almost sounds unbelievable, dozen tit?!
Why are women unlucky?
Because to get eight inches of sausage, they have to take the whole pig.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read, “and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said:
‘Pardon me, sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”
The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think the man said?”
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, “I think the man would have said, ‘Well, fuck me!! A talking pig!’”
What do you get when you kick a pig in the crotch?
Tender loins.
What do you call a blond with pig tails?
A motorbike with handlebars.
A man who owned a sausage factory was showing his arrogant asshole son around his factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer and look down his nose at everything.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, “This should impress him!”
He showed his son a machine and said, “Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.”
The son, unimpressed, said, “Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?”
The father, “Yes son, we call it your mother.”
What do you call a pig smoking marijuana?
A baked ham.
If bitch is a female dog, then what is a female pig?
A feminist.
The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:
“Mary had a little lamb,
Whose fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.”
She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from “the lamb was sure to go” to “the lamb went with her.”
A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny stood up and said,
“Mary had a little pig, An ornery little runt,
He stuck his nose in Mary’s clothes
And smelled her little . . .”
He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, “Do you want poetry or prose?”
“Prose!” the teacher said. “Prose!”
So Johnny said, ” . . . Asshole.”
Did you hear about the rodeo pig who recently passed away?
She died at bucking-ham palace.
A man is shipwrecked on a desert Island.
His only company is a female pig and a male German shepherd. All his needs are met but he is lonely and horny.
One night, he slides up next to the pig and puts his arm around her. The dog growls and he backs off.
One morning, he sees something washed up on the beach. It is an attractive young woman. She is sunburnt and suffering from exposure but otherwise alright and he nurses her back to health. The four of them are sitting around a fire on the beach and he slides up next to the woman and whispers in her ear, “Why don’t you take the dog for a walk?”
Farmer caught me shagging his pigs.
I think one of them squealed.
A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.
“This is the pig I’ve been fucking.”
His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.
“You idiot, that’s a chicken.”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP I’M TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN.”
What do you call extra skin on a pig’s penis?
The boar skin.
An old lady meets a little girl in the park with her dog.
She asks, “What’s your name, little girl?” “Blossom,” answers the girl. “Oh, that’s a beautiful name. How did you get it?”
The little girl explained, “Well, my mommy was pregnant, and a blossom fell out of a tree and landed right on her tummy, so she named me Blossom.”
“Oh, that’s so nice, replied the old lady. “What’s your dog’s name?” “Porky,” the little girl answered. “Why Porky?” the old lady asked.
The little girl answered, “Because he f*cks pigs.”
Why did the cop buy a jet pack?
Because when he asked his wife for sex, she said, “When pigs fly”.
What do you call a fat chick in bed?
Pig in a blanket.
A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster.
He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller, “Is he any good for mating?”
“Oh, no problem there, he screwed every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, and even pigs!”
“Then why,” asks the puzzled farmer, “are you even selling him?”
“You see,” answers the seller, “lately he’s been looking at me kinda funny.”
What do you call a Jewish Pig?
Steamed Ham.
Why don’t Muslims eat pigs?
For the same reason Christians don’t eat humans.
What do you call a midget cop?
A Guinea pig.
Do you have a Dirty Pig joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
