Zoo visits usually start off pretty orderly, with clean paths, labeled enclosures, and that quiet feeling you might actually learn something. Most adults walk in with good intentions, but somewhere between grabbing snacks and passing the reptile section, the vibe begins to change. The signs feel a little too serious, the rules a bit over the top, and as people keep walking, their thoughts wander in ways no guidebook ever expected. Nothing about the place changes, but the thoughts in people’s heads slowly shift from educational to a little mischievous.
That’s where dirty zoo humor comes in. It grows out of that subtle shift, when ordinary surroundings start triggering cheeky thoughts. People bite back comments, exchange knowing glances, and suddenly a simple zoo visit turns into something a bit more playful and quietly rebellious.
Adult Zoo Jokes
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
Banned from the zoo.
Got a new job at the zoo, circumcising the elephants!
The pay isn’t great, but the tips are huge!
A man was dating a girl who he thought looked after animals in a zoo.
Turns out she wasn’t a keeper.
A big cat escaped while I was at the zoo yesterday.
Almost made me puma pants.
There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit, so the zookeeper decided, as a treat, that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass, a hill, and trees, and all these strange animals.
She saw a big, fat, weird-looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi! I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a cow,” said the cow. “Right, and what do you do?” asked the zebra. “I make milk for the farmer,” said the cow. “Cool.”
The zebra then saw this funny-looking little white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?” “I’m a chicken,” said the chicken. “Oh, right, what do you do?” asked the zebra. “I make eggs for the farmer,” said the chicken. “Right – o, great, see ya round.”
Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.
“Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?”
“Take off your pajamas, darling, and I’ll show you.”
Did you hear about the German Zookeeper who couldn’t get to second base?
He was fired because he couldn’t go near Zebra.
What do you call an animal park for p*rverts?
The Heavy Petting Zoo.
The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”
The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.
After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, he approached the weird janitor Hank about it.
“Hank, we need someone to fuck this gorilla. I know it’s weird, but, hey, $500. What do you think?”
Hank thought for a long time, then nodded his head. “I’ll do it. But I need a few weeks to get the $500.”
Did you know that penguins scream during making love?
Well, I don’t think all of them do, but the ones I cornered at the zoo sure did…
Every zoo is a petting zoo.
If you’re brave enough.
A five-year-old kid goes on a trip to the zoo with his mother.
They’re passing the elephant house, and the female elephants are in season. The bull is aroused. He’s walking around trumpeting, displaying his tusks, and generally being aggressive. He also has a full-on erection.
The kid spots the weird grey thing swinging around between the bull’s rear legs and points at it.
“Mom, what’s that?”
“That’s nothing, dear.”
The following week, his dad takes him back to the zoo. Elephant mating season is still in full swing, and the bull is strutting his stuff much as on the previous visit.
Again, the kid points and asks, “Dad, what’s that?”
“That’s the bull elephant’s cock.”
“Oh. When I was here with Mommy last week, she said it was nothing.”
“Yeah, but she’s spoiled.”
The gorillas at the Denver Zoo are using iPads. One even learned how to order goods over the internet by downloading an app.
It is called Amazon Primate.
A group of nuns is visiting the zoo.
They are outside the gorilla enclosure when one of the gorillas breaks out, grabs one of the nuns, takes her back inside, and proceeds to have his way with her for several hours until they are able to get her back.
A few weeks later, back at the convent, she is approached by one of the other nuns who says, “How are you doing? I know it must be horrible.” And the nun replies, “It is. He never calls, he never writes… “
Why don’t they play poker in the zoo?
Because there are too many cheetaz!
An old man was sitting on a bench when a teenage skater punk sat down next to him.
The kid has tattoos and piercings and a Mohawk dyed a half a dozen different colors. He notices the old man won’t stop staring at him, so he says to him, “What, you’ve never done anything fun in your life, old man?”
To which he calmly replies, “Got drunk once, broke into the zoo and fucked a peacock, was just wondering if you were my son.”
I have the heart of a lion, the d*ck of a horse,
and a lifetime ban from the city zoo.
A penguin has escaped from a Californian zoo. He is driving like hell along a road that has since become Arizona. It is hot. Almost boilin’. The air-con died 10 minutes ago, and now the engine begins to cough and splutter.
“Shit,” says the penguin.
He sees a small rural town in the hazy, distorted distance. Mirage or not, this is his only chance of escape – or even survival.
He makes it, pulling into a mechanic’s just as the car splutters to a halt. He waves his little fin-wings at the hood as he explains his plight.
“Welp. Ain’t no need to panic, my feathered friend. I’ll get her sorted, y’hear? Just mosey on to somewhere with air-con, cause y’all lookin’ fit to melt.”
The penguin heads into town and finds an ice cream parlor. Orders vanilla. Loves it! It’s the best taste he’s ever tasted! Practically gulps it down. Even gets another! He’s covered in vanilla ice cream, but he don’t care!
The penguin heads back to the mechanic’s after a while, to see what the problem is.
“Welp,” says the mechanic. “Looks like y’all’ve blown a seal.”
“Nope,” says the penguin. “I’ve just had ice cream.”
A man walks into a zoo and finds out it only has one animal in it.
It’s a shi-tzu.
A man goes to his doctor after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.
As the man explains what happened in the jungle, the doctor is confused. “Well, I can’t see any injuries on you, so what happened?”
The man responds, “Well, you see, Doc, the elephant knocked me down and…. Had his way with me.. I know it’s bad, but can you have a look for me?”
The doctor is flabbergasted and says, “Ok of course, pull your trousers down, and I’ll have a look.”
As soon as the man’s trousers drop, the Doctor recoils and exclaims, “Oh god! Pull your trousers up! That’s awful!”
“You’re right, the elephant has done a number on you, but I do have a question. My brother works in a zoo, and I’ve seen an elephant’s penis, and its like this.”
The doctor holds his hands to the width of a side plate
“And your arsehole looks like…” He holds his hands to the width of a dinner plate. “What happened?!”
The man responds, “I know. The b@stard fingered me first.”
What do you call a petting zoo full of children?
An orphanage.
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where, much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally, the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t quit it. The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn’t close a large suitcase.
The groom said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.” That didn’t work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, “Sweetheart, you get on top and I’ll try.” Still no success. So, he said, “Look. Let’s both get on top.”
At that point, the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, “Zoo or no zoo. I just gotta see this.”
Where is the best zoo located?
Your local prison.
What do police officers and zoo keepers have in common?
Putting monkeys in cages.
A married couple is walking through a zoo when they stop by the gorilla enclosure.
The woman says, “Mark, did you know gorillas are the only animals that behave a lot like men?”
She glances around and adds, “Look, no one’s watching. I’m going to expose one of my breasts to it and see how it reacts, just like men do.”
She does exactly that, and sure enough, the gorilla becomes excited and grips the bars of the enclosure as if trying to break free.
“See?” she says. “Now I understand why you react the way you do. Men can’t control their animal instincts, just like gorillas can’t.”
Mark replies, “Now expose both and let’s see what happens.”
She exposes both breasts, and the gorilla becomes even more agitated, now desperately trying to escape.
Mark says, “This is incredible. Now pull your skirt up, turn around, and show it your backside. Let’s see what happens next.”
She does as he says. By now, the gorilla is extremely aroused. It suddenly breaks free, grabs her, and starts tearing at her clothes.
Panicking, the woman screams, “Mark! What do I do now? Help me!”
Mark calmly replies, “Now tell him you have a headache and you’re not in the mood… let’s see if gorillas and men are really the same.”
Do you know that Prisons are like zoos?
But with more monkeys.
Do you have a Dirty Zoo joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
