Winter is that magical time when adults swap beach days for snowball fights, trading sunscreen for scarves and gloves. The chill in the air brings people closer—sometimes too close, like when you’re crammed into a tiny room because it’s the only one with a heater. And let’s not forget the layers of clothing that turn everyone into walking marshmallows. But beneath the cozy vibes, winter has its share of playful humor, especially Dirty Winter Jokes.
These cheeky jokes take the season’s charm and sprinkle in some naughty fun, like snowflakes with attitude. Whether it’s about frosty mornings or awkward scarf mishaps, these jokes bring warmth to the coldest nights. After all, what better way to embrace the season than with a little spice in your humor?
Adult Winter Jokes
Give a man a jacket.
He’ll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won’t leave the house.
Why don’t women wear skirts in the winter?
Chapped lips.
What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
Father looks out the window on a snowy evening.
He gets furious and turns red.
“What’s the matter, dear,” his wife asks.
“It’s our daughter’s new boyfriend. He’s written his name in the snow with pee.”
“Oh. That’s not so bad.”
“Yeah, but it’s in her handwriting.”
Did you hear the sad story about the blonde couple that died at the drive-in movie?
They’d gone to see “Closed for Winter”.
Do you know that there are only two seasons in Russia?
Winter and nuclear winter.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms.
So they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
What’s the Hebrew word for competitive skiing?
Shlalom!
What’s hard to get into, but even harder to get out of?
A shower in winter.
A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.
Penguin jumps out yelling, “Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I’m literally dying from this heat! Really, it’s an emergency!”
The mechanic says, “Calm down, now. I can fix your car in about a half hour, and you should just go across the street to wait in the ice cream shop. It’s cool in there, and they sell soft-serve ice cream.”
The penguin is thrilled, jumping up and down, and yells, “Yay!! Soft serve is my favorite!”, and he scampers across the street waving his stubby wings.
Exactly a half hour later the penguin rushes out of the ice cream shop with vanilla ice cream all over his face, and runs into the repair shop, yelling, “Did you fix it!? Did you fix it!?”
The mechanic says, “Yeah, no problem. It looks like you just blew a seal.”
The penguin frantically wipes his mouth and yells,
“NUH-UH! That’s just ice cream!!”
Recommended: Winter Jokes
Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter?
Because if it snows, you can’t call and say you’re snowed in.
Why do men give cold women their jackets?
No man wants a bl*wjob from a woman with chattering teeth!
Winter fetishists are the worst.
Flurries!
Moscow, on a bitterly cold winter morning. There is a long line of people waiting in front of a bakery.
After an hour, the baker steps outside and shouts “No bread for Jews!”, and some people leave.
After another hour, the baker steps outside again: “No bread unless you’re a Party member!”, and some more people leave.
After yet another hour, the baker steps outside again: “No bread unless you’ve been a Party member for 20 years”, and most people leave.
After another hour has passed, the baker steps outside yet again, gives a long patriotic talk to the remaining people in line, and then explains that unfortunately, there won’t be any bread at all today.
As the remaining people are leaving, one turns to another and says:
“Those darn Jews always get treated better!”
This employee told his boss he needed winter tires.
Got fired. Apparently, that’s something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.
How do alcoholics survive the winter?
So-burrrrrr.
Why can’t Frosty the Snowman have kids?
He has snowballs.
As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle. So one day one of the guards moved just a bit.
The sergeant rushed over and said, “George, did I see you flinch?” George replied “Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the road then straight up me pants leg.”
“I see George” replied the sergeant. “Is that why you flinched?”
George replied “No sir. There was another squirrel. He, too, came down the tree across the road and up me leg. So I had two squirrels resting in me crotch.”
The sergeant thought for a moment then said “And that’s what made you flinch?”
“No sir,” said George. “It was when I heard one say, ‘Let’s have one now and save the other for winter.'”
What’s the worst part about pissing outside in the winter?
Getting a 2 inch d*ck out of 3 inches of clothing.
It’s colder than a witch’s t*t in a brass bra!
How is s*x like snow?
Everyone talks about it, but it doesn’t always happen. Then when it does happen, you’re never sure how long it will last, or how many inches you’re going to get.
Recommended: Adult Christmas Jokes
Why are Christmas trees better than men?
Even the small ones give satisfaction.
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he is shivering and shaking. The other flea asked him, “Why are shaking so badly?”
The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”
The other flea says, “That’s the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg, and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.”
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by… when the first flea shows up in Miami he shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, “Didn’t you try what I told you?”
“Yes!” says the first flea. “I did exactly what you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”
What do you call a communist during winter?
A snowviet.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”’, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl..
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter!”
What do cannibals wear in the winter to keep warm?
A coat of arms.
How is Snow like a p*nis?
It’s measured in inches and soft to the touch. It c*ms when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you’d like it. Driving in the snow is like eating p*$$y, if you don’t slow down and pay attention you could slide into the a$$h*le in front of you… Be careful this winter.
Have you heard about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer?
He can run as fast as Rudolph, he just can’t stop as fast.
Winter is nearly here.
Our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There’s no finer sight on a winter’s morning than a pair of t*ts around your nut sack. Just remember however it’s a bit late in the year to expect a swallow!
Why should you not build an outdoor strip club?
In the wintertime, you’ll get your lips stuck on the pole!
It is a dark night in the winter. A small cabin is barely visible through the snow drift. A lone man, the cabin owner, sits in front of the fireplace. What little light there is comes from the fireplace and a few dim candles.
Suddenly there is a knock on the door. In enters a man half frozen to death by the cold and the wind.
In tradition with the local rules of the mountain, the guest is offered dry clothes and a hot meal.
Hours pass, and bedtime is approaching. The cabin owner has to guard the fire, so the guest is offered his bed in the bedroom. With strict instructions not to bother his wife, who’s resting in a different bed in the same room.
The next morning, the two are having breakfast. Suddenly, the cabin owner stares sternly at the guest. “You did bother my wife, didn’t you?” asks the cabin owner. The guest responds with “No! No! Absolutely not!”. For a brief moment, the cabin owner settles down before he again cries out “Yes! Yes! You did bother my wife!”. “All right, Yes! Yes, I did” admits the guest. “But, how can you tell?” he asks the cabin owner. A few dead quiet seconds pass, then the cabin owner responds “Well, she’s been dead for 6 weeks, and you have larvae in your beard.”
Recommended: Dark Christmas Jokes
What is the difference between Game of Thrones and a p*rn version of Rick & Morty?
In the former, winter is coming, in the latter, Summer is coming.
What does a gay gentleman use to keep his lips moist in winter?
Some chaps d*ck.
Why does winter come in December?
Because of NNN.
One winter morning, two men were on a walk and were admiring how well their neighbors cleared the snow.
The first man says, “Look at Roger’s house. Those snowbanks at the end of his driveway look like mountains.”
The second man quips, “Kind of like the double-D’s on his old lady eh?”
They continue to the next house and the first man is in awe of what he sees.
“Charlie’s mountains are even bigger, he must’ve plowed the street to get them that big.”
“When your wife is a G-cup you have to go the extra mile.”
They come to the last house and are shocked when they see no snowbanks at all.
Confused, the first man says “Larry’s done a fine job, but what did he do with all the snow?”
“Check the backyard, Larry’s an a$$ man.”
What’s the difference between snow and a girl?
Snow is harder to plow when it’s wet.
Why was Frosty the Snowman excited?
He heard the snowblower was just around the corner.
Not many people can conquer Russia in the winter.
But Genghis Khan.
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly…..He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied. “Get your own f*cking blanket.”
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Why does Santa land on the roof?
Because he likes it on top.
Do you have an adult joke on winter? Write down your dirtiest ones in the comment section below!
