50 Dark Christmas Jokes And Puns for Twisted Adults

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Jessica Amlee


Christmas, the season of joy and light, often has a shadowy counterpart in the realm of dark humor. This is where the twinkling fairy lights meet their ironic, gloomy twist. Dark Christmas humor is like finding coal in your stocking and deciding to draw something funny with it. It’s a way of looking at this festive time through a slightly skewed, mischievous lens, where the merry and bright get a dash of cynicism. For those who find laughter in the absurdities and contradictions of life, Christmas offers a unique backdrop against which to contrast the not-so-sparkly realities of the holiday season, from the stress of holiday shopping to the inevitable family squabbles.

Dark Christmas jokes are the naughty list of holiday humor, where the cheer and goodwill take a backseat to a more sardonic, tongue-in-cheek wit. These jokes aren’t about spreading festive cheer; they’re about tickling the funny bone with a bit of coal-black comedy. It’s about poking fun at the very traditions that define the holiday, from the mad rush of Black Friday to the inevitable return of that sweater from Aunt Edna. These jokes provide an alternative chorus to the season’s usual carols, resonating with those who appreciate their eggnog with a splash of sarcasm and their Christmas tales with a twist of the macabre. Forget Santa, it’s Krampus’ turn to bring the laughs!

Adult Christmas Jokes

Did you hear about the father who got his kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas?
Now he’s stuck taking care of a puppy.

What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
“You better watch out!”

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves, just kidding he hasn’t opened it yet.

What did the Gender fluid teenager get for Christmas?
Ignored, the attention-seeking tw*t.

Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?
Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.

Some poor children in Victorian London were listening to Christmas songs.
They heard that Santa Claus gives coal to children who aren´t on his nice list, and so they commit as many petty crimes as possible to be on his naughty list so as to not die of hypothermia.

What’s a nice thing to hear at Christmas but A terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison?
“Jesus loves you.”

What do Christmas lights and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?
They don’t hang themselves.

What do we want?
An end to religious brainwashing.
When do we want it?
After Christmas.

A kid asks his mom, “Why am I getting Christmas presents in July?”
The mom replies, “Because it’s cheaper than chemotherapy!”

What’s the same between a Christmas tree and a heroin addict?
They leave needles everywhere.

What did the blind, deaf orphan kid get for Christmas?

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,
The candle burned dimly the light was quite naff,
It made it quite hard to burgle the gaff.

What’s the difference between an emo kid and a Christmas ornament?
One knows how to hang itself!

What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

What’s the difference between the Grinch and Hitler?
One stole Hanukkah the other stole Christmas.

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It was Christmas morning, and two brothers, Johnny and Tommy were headed downstairs to open presents.
Downstairs, the parents were standing there ready to give the presents to them.
They start reading the gift tags,
“This brand new bike is for… Johnny!”
“This skateboard is for… Johnny!”
“This jump rope is for… Johnny”
All the presents were for Johnny and all Tommy got was a little yo-yo.
The boys were outside after opening the presents, and Tommy was standing there in the corner, mad, playing with his yo-yo.
Johnny is riding his bike around and looks at Tommy and says “Who got a brand new bike? Johnny”
Later comes over on his skateboard and says “Who got a brand new skateboard? Johnny!”
Then Johnny comes over playing with his jump rope right in front of Tommy and says “Who got a jump rope? Johnny!”
Tommy finally loses it and says, “Who has cancer? Johnny!”

What does a blind kid get for Christmas?
You don’t know? It’s alright, neither does he!

Why was the Chinese kid crying on Christmas?
His gift was the toy he made earlier today.

Has anyone ever wondered why white people go a little extra hard for Christmas?
Because it’s the only time they can hang things in trees anymore.

You’re so poor, when you were a child, if you didn’t wake up on Christmas morning with a hard-on, you had nothing to play with.

Why do Mexicans make tamales for Christmas?
It’s so that they have something to unwrap.

What did the crippled orphan get for Christmas?
Don’t know, he’s still trying to get downstairs.

What was Adolf Hitler’s favorite Christmas song?
“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas!”

One Christmas Eve, Santa was under a lot of stress.
He and Mrs. Claus had just had a fight, it was nearly time to leave and his sleigh wasn’t loaded, and the elves were talking about going on strike.
Then an angel walked into his office and asked, “Hey, Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?”
And so was born the tradition of there being an angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Did you know that Little Johnny’s uncle is a bit of a magician?
Last Christmas he turned six cans of beer into an assault conviction and a restraining order.

What did Hitler get his daughter for Christmas?
An easy bake oven.

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What do a Christmas Tree and a Priest have in common?
The balls are just for decoration.

What happens if someone dies on Christmas Day?
God invited them to Jesus’ birthday party.

A little girl woke up on Christmas Eve and found no presents under the Christmas tree.
She asked her dad why Santa didn’t give her gifts. He replied, “We donated your presents to the orphanage.” The Little girl said, “Why?”
Her dad said, “So you’ll have something to play with once you get there.”

What do you call a pedophile’s Christmas?

What did the Down syndrome boy with Leukemia get for Christmas?

What does a racist sing for Christmas?
“Jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way oh how fun it is to live in a white house with a slave!”

What did the little German girl get for Christmas?
A G.I. Jew and an Easy Bake oven.

What did the man who hates Christmas say?
“Whoever invented it should be crucified!”

What do you give a dead baby for Christmas?
A dead puppy.

Santa Claus loves to spread Christmas cheer.
His sack is so big ’cause he comes once a year. His sack is so full that it drags on the ground. He has a surprise for every kid in town. Santa comes down the chimney and fills stockings with his load. Gives the kids a white Christmas, it looks like it snowed. While the kids sleep he leaves them a special surprise. When they wake up they can’t believe their eyes. It’s all over their room, in their bed, on the floor. Candies and treats are present galore. Children love his balls and the toys that he brings. He empties his sack all over their things. He’ll soon be visiting every kid around. ‘Cause Santa Claus is coming to town.

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Why is Christmas like a job?
Because you do all the work, while a fat man takes so the credit.

What do you call a raggedy Anne doll eating Christmas candy?
A cotton rock sucker.

What did the slaves call their masters in December?
A Christmas cracker.

What can you find on Santa’s body that you can also find in stores during Christmas?
Holiday Nuts.

What do you call a couple of Down syndrome kids who have just knocked on your front door and started to sing Christmas Carols?
Mongs of praise.

Why don’t Jews celebrate Christmas?
They don’t want to be on anymore lists.

What’s the best advice for Christmas?
Don’t leave Christmas preparations until the last moment. Start getting depressed now.

What’s the difference between a Christmas tree and a man?
A Christmas tree will stay ‘up’ for 12 nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on.

Why is a broken drum the best gift for Christmas?
You just can’t beat it. On the other hand, a wife would be the worst gift because you definitely can.

What do you call a genocide of Christmas elves?

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There are 4 people in a room with a bag of one million dollars. A rich white guy, a rich black guy, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny. They turn off the lights. Who gets the money?
The rich white guy. The other three don’t exist.

What did Helen Keller say when she got a cheese grater for Christmas?
“This is the most violent novel I’ve read!”

Why don’t Jews celebrate Christmas?
Because Christmas is about giving.

What’s the difference between Christmas and 9/11?
Muslims don’t celebrate Christmas.

Do you have a dark joke about Christmas? Write down your own puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

2 thoughts on “50 Dark Christmas Jokes And Puns for Twisted Adults”

  1. My nephew was surprised when the present I got my wife for Christmas wasn’t an instrument
    I told him I was getting her an upright organ.

  2. It’s almost Christmas.
    The kids are finally sleeping, and it’s late.
    I’m tired, but feeling the itch, and my wife must be too because she’s as eager as I am.
    So close to finishing. We’re panting. She’s gasping “Oh come. Oohhhh come. Oohhhh come.”
    My sleep-deprived brain could only come up with one response…
    “All ye faithful.”


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