99 Dirty Christmas Jokes And Puns For Naughty Adults

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Jessica Amlee


Christmas for adults is a season draped in nostalgia yet sprinkled with the realities of grown-up life. It’s more than just Santa and stockings; it’s a time for festive parties, cheeky ugly sweater contests, and the occasional spiked eggnog. While children dream of reindeer and presents, adults often revel in the holiday’s more indulgent aspects – be it through gourmet feasting, spirited drink, or just the joy of having some time off work. For many grown-ups, Christmas is also a chance to let their hair down and engage in merriment that’s just a tad more risqué than the usual yuletide fare, embracing a side of the holiday that’s as spicy as gingerbread and as spirited as a holiday toast.

Dirty Christmas jokes are the secret stuffing in the adult holiday feast, offering a naughty twist to the season’s traditions. These jokes are the mischievous elves of holiday humor, often shared in hushed tones at office parties or among friends over a mulled wine. They take the innocent symbols of the season – mistletoe, Santa’s lap, or a carrot for the snowman – and give them a playful, adult spin. It’s all in good fun, a way for adults to add a bit of saucy sparkle to a holiday often dominated by childlike wonder. Just like a well-wrapped gift, the best dirty Christmas jokes leave just enough to the imagination, teasing the festive spirit with a wink and a nudge. If your execution is smooth, all of these sexy Christmas jokes are ideal for some “North Pole” action (*wink*). If these don’t work, check out our Dirty Christmas memes that should do it for you!

Adult Christmas Jokes

What do a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.

What’s a dirty pickup line for Christmas?
If thanksgiving is your right leg. And Christmas is your left leg. I’d like to visit you between the holidays.

How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song “Baby It’s Cold Outside”?
Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, “Yo B*tch, It’s Freezing Outside.”

A cat and a reindeer were having a holiday debate on who is a human’s favorite. The reindeer says, “Humans adore us more. They even have mentioned us in their Christmas songs!”
The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”

Knock knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Centipede who?)
Centipede on the Christmas tree.

Did you know that they say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday?
But a senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

Did you hear that Tampax has announced they will be removing the string from their tampons?
They are replacing it with tinsel, it’s for the Christmas period only.

Does anyone remember when a holiday somehow managed to impregnate a month!?
Ya, it looks like Christmas came in July!

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19-year-old blonde.
She asks, “Santa, will you stay with me?” Santa says, “Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y’know!”
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, “Santa, now will you stay with me?” Santa says, “Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y’know!” She takes off everything and asks, “Santa, now will you stay with me?”
Santa replies, “Hey, Hey, Hey, I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can’t get up the chimney with my dick this way!”

Why do hookers like Christmas morning?
Because that’s when Santa finally comes.

How do you make an elf horny?
Fairy moans.

Did you hear Magnum is coming out with a special edition Grinch condom?
It’s for 39 and a half foot poles.

A young man called Peter wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s Christmas present.
As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart’s sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
“Dear Maria, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact, she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them.
I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.”
All my love Peter.

Heard about the man who calls his pee pee, “The Grinch”?
Because it is 2 sizes too small.

What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
Don’t know, he hasn’t opened it yet.

A prostitute walks into a bar on Christmas Eve.
She orders a glass of wine. “So, what did you ask Santa for this year?” the bartender asks. “$30,” the prostitute replies, “just like anybody else.”

Yo mama so fat, they took pictures of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.

What do breasts and Christmas trees have in common?
When you see really nice ones, you have to ask if they are real or fake.

A boss buys his gorgeous secretary an expensive fur coat for Christmas. As she’s wearing it in front of the mirror admiring herself, The boss looks her up and down and says, “You’re knickers are coming down”
Embarrassingly, she has a quick look to check.
She says, “No they’re not”
He says, “They are, or that coat’s going back to the shop!”

As the man was paying the cashier for his Christmas tree, he asked, ”Are you going to put that up yourself?”
“No you sick f*ck, I’m putting it up in the living room.”

Recommended: Dirty Santa Jokes

Why did the husband get his wife the same thing every year for Christmas, a d*ldo and a pair of slippers?
If she doesn’t like the slippers she can go f*ck herself.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Hoe who?)
Hoe Hoe Hoe Merry Christmas!

What’s the difference between a Christmas bonus and a p*nis?
The wife still blows the bonus.

Why is Christmas like an org*sm?
As it approaches, you get louder and louder about its imminent arrival. But once it’s over, you shut up about it.

What’s a schizophrenic’s favorite Christmas song?
“Do You Hear What I Hear?”

Victoria’s Secret has launched a new line of French lingerie for Christmas. Store staff will model it for men looking to buy their wife or girlfriend a present.
The line is called Le Per Vért.

Why are there so many blue ball holiday ornaments?
Because Christmas comes once a year.

Why is Christmas like a job?
Because you do all the work, while a fat man takes so the credit.

What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

What do you call a raggedy Anne doll eating Christmas candy?
A cotton rock sucker.

Little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer at dinner.
“But I’m not sure how to pray,” he said.
“Just pray for your family, friends, neighbors, the poor, and so on,” his father advised.
“All right,” the boy said.
“Dear Lord, thank you to our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again. Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy’s iPhone. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom’s room when Daddy is at work.. Amen.”

What’s “Last Christmas” by Wham really about?
A failed heart transplant.

What do you call a truckload full of d*ldos at Christmas time?
Toys for twats.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
When where?
(When where who?)
Christmas eve, my place, you and me.

What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?

Why is sex just like Christmas with family?
Full of disappointment, cousins, and poorly wrapped packages.

It’s around Christmas time and two prostitutes are talking to each other
One says to the other, “So, what are you gonna ask of Santa?”
The other replies back, “’I think my regular price…”

How is m*sturbation like getting a Christmas gift?
After you’ve finished playing with it once, you immediately get tired of it, put it away, and go to sleep afterwards.

What do you call a d*ldo on a Christmas tree?

What kind of sick people hate Christmas?

Did you hear about the poor guy’s Christmas?
When he was growing up, his family was so poor that if he didn’t wake up with a Hard-On on Christmas morning, he would have nothing to play with.

Why is the angel on top of the tree always frowning?
Would you smile if you had a tree up your a**!

For Christmas, a man decides to get his new girlfriend a pair of gloves.
They’ve only been dating for three weeks, so it seems like the perfect gift – romantic but not overly personal.
He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to the store so she can choose a pair. They go to the mall, and the sister shows the guy a pair of white gloves, which he purchases.
The sister then goes out and buys a pair of pantyhose for herself.
However, the clerk mixes up the parcels during the wrapping process. As a result, the sister receives the gloves, while the guy receives a gift box containing the panties.
Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it:
“I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.”

What do you call someone who tries to kiss everyone at the Christmas party?
A Mistle Hoe.

Recommended: Mistletoe Jokes

Why was Frosty smiling?
He saw the snow blower coming.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.

Christmas is so stupid whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.

A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of b**bs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round, and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration and it comes up once a year.”

Did you hear about the dad who brought his kid a new trampoline for Christmas?
His son is so ungrateful as all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

What do you call it when a hooker murders her client in a bathtub on Christmas?
One wh*re soap and slay.

Is your name Jingle Bells?
Cause you look ready to go all the way.

Why are Christmas trees better than men?
Because even the small ones give satisfaction.

Are you Christmas?
Cause I wanna merry you!

One of the elves needs some last-minute supplies, so he hops on his snowmobile and heads north. Unfortunately, the snowmobile breaks down, but because he has special north-pole AAA, a mechanic arrives quickly. “This is going to take a while,” he says, “but there’s a cafe just down the road, so why don’t you go down there and come back in an hour?”
The elf departs and discovers that the cafe serves vanilla ice cream, his favorite. He walks back across the ice to the snowmobile after an hour. “Looks like you blew a seal,” the mechanic says after inspecting the vehicle.
The elf blushes, wipe his mouth, and says, “No, no, it’s just ice cream.”

What’s the rudest kind of Elf?
A go f*ck yoursElf.

Recommended: Elf Jokes

Why do elves laugh when they run?
Because the snow tickles their balls.

Why was the elf having trouble with his libido?
He had low elf-esteem.

Why is Christmas a lot like sex?
You always get really excited but after it’s over you regret spending all that money.

Two convicts had just been placed in cells beside each other on death row.
The first convict looks at the second and says, “What got you sent here?”
The second convict says, “I held up a convenience store and shot the clerk when he tried to pull a gun on me. You?”
The first convict says, “Well, last Christmas day my wife was working a double and all our kids were being little sh*ts, yelling, cussing breaking stuff. Y’know, like the little bastards do. So I couldn’t take it and called my mother-in-law for advice. She told me to go out to the garage, get a bunch of empty boxes, wrap them up all pretty like with bows, and set them down under the tree then whenever a kid misbehaved grab one and throw it into the furnace. So i did.”
The second convict says, “What’s that got to do with your being sent here?”
The first convict replies, “I ran out of kids.”

What is the difference between Christmas and a bl*wjob?
At Christmas, it’s better to give than receive.

Did you hear about the girlfriend who wanted a white Christmas?
But when her boyfriend came on her face that morning, she didn’t even thank him.

What do you call a hooker at Christmas?
A frostitute.

Did you hear about the dad who came out as a woman for Christmas?
His kid can no longer see her as she has become trans-parent.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met at the gates of heaven by Saint Peter.
“In honor of this holy season,” he said, “you must each have something that represents Christmas in order to enter heaven.”
The first man rummaged through his pockets and extracted a lighter. He turned it on. “This is a candle,” he explained.
“Very well,” Saint Peter said, “you may pass through the pearly gates.”
The second man reached into his pockets and took a set of keys from his pockets. As he shook them, they jingled, and he said, “Those are bells.”
“You may also enter heaven,” Saint Peter said.
The third man began desperately searching his pockets and eventually pulled out a pair of women’s panties. Saint Peter was perplexed as he looked at the man. “And what do those symbolize?” he inquired, his brow furrowed.
The man replied, “These are Carol’s.”

Did you hear about Bert the brown-nosed reindeer?
He’s second behind Rudolph but can’t stop as quickly.

Recommended: Reindeer Jokes

What is the most disappointing thing for dads on Christmas?
When he gets a sweater, he was hoping for a screamer or a squirter.

The girlfriend walked in on his boyfriend putting on a condom.
She said, “What are you doing?”
He said, “Wrapping your Christmas present!”

What’s the same between a Christmas tree and a heroin addict?
They leave needles everywhere.

What do the wives of Santa’s Reindeer do on Christmas Eve while Santa and the Reindeer are off delivering presents?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.

What do an emo and a bauble have in common?
Both hang from a tree at Christmas.

A man and his wife attend the company’s Christmas party.
The guy gets sh*tfaced and starts running his mouth, as usual. He begins by making fun of the boss’s wife, telling her how fat she is, how bad her cooking is, and how life would be better without her.
He sits up in bed the next morning, holding his head.
“Man, I’m feeling like sh*t,” he admitted to his wife.
“Well, you f*cking a**hole, you should.”
“Wait, what?
Oh, yes, the company Christmas party. So, lay it on me. What happened?”
“What did you think happened? You got drunk and began berating the boss’s wife, telling her how fat she was and how she couldn’t cook. You know, the routine.”
“Well, what happened next?”
“Your boss fired you. What do you think happened next?”
The husband continues, “You know what, f*ck him.”
“I did. You can start work on Monday.”

Why did the snowman drop his pants?
He heard the snowblower was coming by.

Recommended: Snowman Jokes

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

What do you do if somebody dies on Christmas Eve?
Wait 12 hours and have Christmas Mourning.

What did Miss Piggy give Kermit for Christmas?
A ham-job.

A cop on horseback stops at a traffic light on Christmas morning, and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.
The cop tells the young girl, “You have a nice bike, sweetheart. Did Santa bring you that?”
“Yes, he did,” she sweetly replied.
The cop says, with a smile on his face, “So, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike next year,” he says as he hands the girl a $20 ticket.
She says this as the cop rides away “By the way, you have a nice horse there. Did Santa bring you that?”
The cop, playing along, says, “He certainly did.”
“Well, next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes underneath the horse, not on top.”

What do you call a Christmas sex toy drive?
Toys for Thots.

The kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.
Normally we have turkey, but ok…!

Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
On the dark side!

It was the eve of Christmas. After a long day of shopping, a woman returned home to her husband. He noticed a mark on the inside of her leg later that night as she was getting ready for bed.
“What is that?” he inquired. She stated, “Today I went to the tattoo parlor. I had them tattoo ‘Merry Christmas’ on the inside of one leg and ‘Happy New Year’ on the inside of the other.”
“Why did you do that?” he wondered, perplexed.
“Well,” she replied, “now you can’t complain that there’s never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!”

Recommended: Dirty Thanksgiving Jokes

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?
It’s cause DEC 25 = OCT 31.

Did you hear about Derek’s lesbian neighbors who got him a Rolex for Christmas?
Guess they misunderstood when he said he wanna watch.

How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song “Baby It’s Cold Outside”?
Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, “Yo Bitch, It’s Freezing Outside.”

It’s almost Christmas.
The kids are finally sleeping, and it’s late.
The husband is tired but feeling the itch, and his wife must be too because she’s as eager as him.
So close to finishing. They’re panting. She’s gasping “Oh come. Oohhhh come. Oohhhh come.”
The husband’s sleep-deprived brain could only come up with one response, “All ye faithful.”

Why do Mexican families have tamales for Christmas?
Because they’re too poor to have anything else to open.

Kid: Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?
Mother: Because it’s cheaper than chemotherapy…”

Mother: Darling, what is your Christmas wish?
Daughter: I would like to help people in need, I wish that Father Christmas would send some clothes to all of the naked girls on dad’s computer.

Why does Frosty the Snowman have no children?
Because he’s got snow balls.

Why was Jesus so popular with the ladies?
Because he was hung like this (stretches arms as far out sideways as possible)!

Why do elves laugh when they run?
Because the snow tickles their balls.

What would Jesus post if he had an OnlyFans?
“Watch me get nailed boys.”

One day at the North Pole, Santa walking to the toy shop and in the snow next to the sidewalk was written ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS SANTA’ in urine. This troubled Santa so he gathered his top elves to solve the mystery.
An hour later, they came back and told Santa that they had good news and bad news. The good news is the urine was Jack Frost and the bad news is the message is in Mrs. Claus’s handwriting.

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
Because he only comes once a year and his ‘package’ is always wrapped.

Why is Santa so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What does a redhead do when they get a yeast infection on Christmas?
They bake gingerbread.

There are two men, one is at the North Pole walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers, and the other man is at the South Pole getting a bl*wjob from a 90 yr. old lady. What are both men thinking at the same time?
“Don’t look down.”

What do you get when you jingle Santa’s Balls?
A white Christmas!

Dasher, dancer, prancer, and vixen.
The four stages of Bruce Jenner.

Why are prostitutes like the Elves from Lord of the Rings?
When you know them well enough they tell you their true name!

A husband got his wife a singing parrot for Christmas.
It’s named Chet. He brought it to his wife and said, “Look, If you hold a lighter under his left foot he sings Silent Night if you hold it under his right foot he sings Jingle Bells!”
The wife tried both and said, “Wow you’re right! but I can’t help but wonder what happens if you hold the lighter in the middle?” She grabbed the lighter and put it between his feet.
Soon, he began to sing, “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire!”

Why are the prettiest Christmas trees kinky?
They’re into light bondage.

Did you hear about the new Christmas p*rno?
It’s called “Here Cums Santa Clause!”

What do you call the genocide of Christmas elves?
Ho ho holocaust.

Have dirtier Christmas jokes? Your own sexy puns and one-liners can be written in the comment section below. Go on!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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