Christmas is not only a time to party and celebrate as everyone is in their best moods. But if you’re an adult, you know there’s no reason to be nice. That’s right: why not be a little mischievous? You can play crazy pranks on your partner, get kinky and dirty with your partner, and be as naughty as you want with your loved ones to spice up the Christmas season. If you have a notorious personality and have decided to be the craziest member of your family during the Christmas holidays, we have compiled a list of the funniest Christmas jokes for adults that will cause waves of crankiness and drive everyone away with whom you share these dirty Christmas puns and one-liners.
Do you need some good dirty jokes for your next Christmas party, single readers? Or if you want to kiss under the mistletoe with that special someone this holiday season, you’ve come to the right place. Check out our ultimate naughty list below. Even if these jokes are pure gold, they will not guarantee that you will sneak into their room. If your execution is smooth, all of these sexy Christmas jokes are ideal for some “North Pole” action (*wink*). If these don’t work, check out our Dirty Christmas memes that should do it for you!
Adult Christmas Jokes
Did you hear about the father who got his kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas?
Now he’s stuck taking care of a puppy.
What do a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
What’s a dirty pickup line for Christmas?
If thanksgiving is your right leg. And Christmas is your left leg. I’d like to visit you between the holidays.
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
Did you know that they say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday?
But a senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
Don’t know, he hasn’t opened it yet.
Yo mama so fat, they took pictures of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
What do breasts and Christmas trees have in common?
When you see really nice ones, you have to ask if they are real or fake.
As the man was paying the cashier for his Christmas tree, he asked, ”Are you going to put that up yourself?”
“No you sick f#ck, I’m putting it up in the living room.”
Recommended: Dirty Santa Jokes
Why did the husband get his wife the same thing every year for Christmas, a dildo and a pair of slippers?
If she doesn’t like the slippers she can go f#ck herself.
Hoe Hoe Hoe Merry Christmas!
What’s the difference between a Christmas bonus and a penis?
The wife still blows the bonus.
Why is Christmas like an orgasm?
As it approaches, you get louder and louder about its imminent arrival. But once it’s over, you shut up about it.
What’s a schizophrenic’s favorite Christmas song?
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Why are there so many blue ball holiday ornaments?
Because Christmas comes once a year.
Why is Christmas like a job?
Because you do all the work, while a fat man takes so the credit.
What did the homeless man get for Christmas?
What do you call a raggedy Anne doll eating Christmas candy?
A cotton rock sucker.
Little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer at dinner.
“But I’m not sure how to pray,” he said.
“Just pray for your family, friends, neighbors, the poor, and so on,” his father advised.
“All right,” the boy said.
“Dear Lord, thank you to our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again. Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy’s iPhone. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom’s room when Daddy is at work.. Amen.”
What’s “Last Christmas” by Wham really about?
A failed heart transplant.
My nephew was surprised when the present I got my wife for Christmas wasn’t an instrument
I told him I was getting her an upright organ.
What do you call a truckload full of dildos at Christmas time?
Toys for twats.
(When where who?)
Christmas eve, my place, you and me.
What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?
Why is sex just like Christmas with family?
Full of disappointment, cousins, and poorly wrapped packages.
It’s around Christmas time and two prostitutes are talking to each other
One says to the other, “So, what are you gonna ask of Santa?”
The other replies back, “’I think my regular price…”
How is masturbation like getting a Christmas gift?
After you’ve finished playing with it once, you immediately get tired of it, put it away, and go to sleep afterwards.
What do you call a dildo on a Christmas tree?
What kind of sick people hate Christmas?
Did you hear about the poor guy’s Christmas?
When he was growing up, his family was so poor that if he didn’t wake up with a Hard-On on Christmas morning, he would have nothing to play with.
Why is the angel on top of the tree always frowning?
Would you smile if you had a tree up your ass!
For Christmas, a man decides to get his new girlfriend a pair of gloves.
They’ve only been dating for three weeks, so it seems like the perfect gift – romantic but not overly personal.
He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to the store so she can choose a pair. They go to the mall, and the sister shows the guy a pair of white gloves, which he purchases.
The sister then goes out and buys a pair of pantyhose for herself.
However, the clerk mixes up the parcels during the wrapping process. As a result, the sister receives the gloves, while the guy receives a gift box containing the panties.
Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it:
“I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.”
What do you call someone who tries to kiss everyone at the Christmas party?
A Mistle Hoe.
Recommended: Mistletoe Jokes
What do Christmas decorations and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?
They don’t hang themselves.
Why was Frosty smiling?
He saw the snow blower coming.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Christmas is so stupid whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round, and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration and it comes up once a year.”
Did you hear about the dad who brought his kid a new trampoline for Christmas?
His son is so ungrateful as all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
What do you call it when a hooker murders her client in a bathtub on Christmas?
One whore soap and slay.
Is your name Jingle Bells?
Cause you look ready to go all the way.
Why are Christmas trees better than men?
Because even the small ones give satisfaction.
Are you Christmas?
Cause I wanna merry you!
One of the elves needs some last-minute supplies, so he hops on his snowmobile and heads north. Unfortunately, the snowmobile breaks down, but because he has special north-pole AAA, a mechanic arrives quickly. “This is going to take a while,” he says, “but there’s a cafe just down the road, so why don’t you go down there and come back in an hour?”
The elf departs and discovers that the cafe serves vanilla ice cream, his favorite. He walks back across the ice to the snowmobile after an hour. “Looks like you blew a seal,” the mechanic says after inspecting the vehicle.
The elf blushes, wipe his mouth, and says, “No, no, it’s just ice cream.”
What’s the rudest kind of Elf?
A go fuck yoursElf.
Recommended: Elf Jokes
Why do elves laugh when they run?
Because the snow tickles their balls.
Why was the elf having trouble with his libido?
He had low elf-esteem.
Why is Christmas a lot like sex?
You always get really excited but after it’s over you regret spending all that money.
Two convicts had just been placed in cells beside each other on death row.
The first convict looks at the second and says, “What got you sent here?”
The second convict says, “I held up a convenience store and shot the clerk when he tried to pull a gun on me. You?”
The first convict says, “Well, last Christmas day my wife was working a double and all our kids were being little shits, yelling, cussing breaking stuff. Y’know, like the little bastards do. So I couldn’t take it and called my mother-in-law for advice. She told me to go out to the garage, get a bunch of empty boxes, wrap them up all pretty like with bows, and set them down under the tree then whenever a kid misbehaved grab one and throw it into the furnace. So i did.”
The second convict says, “What’s that got to do with your being sent here?”
The first convict replies, “I ran out of kids.”
What is the difference between Christmas and a blowjob?
At Christmas, it’s better to give than receive.
Did you hear about the girlfriend who wanted a white Christmas?
But when her boyfriend came on her face that morning, she didn’t even thank him.
What do you call a hooker at Christmas?
Did you hear about the dad who came out as a woman for Christmas?
His kid can no longer see her as she has become trans-parent.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met at the gates of heaven by Saint Peter.
“In honor of this holy season,” he said, “you must each have something that represents Christmas in order to enter heaven.”
The first man rummaged through his pockets and extracted a lighter. He turned it on. “This is a candle,” he explained.
“Very well,” Saint Peter said, “you may pass through the pearly gates.”
The second man reached into his pockets and took a set of keys from his pockets. As he shook them, they jingled, and he said, “Those are bells.”
“You may also enter heaven,” Saint Peter said.
The third man began desperately searching his pockets and eventually pulled out a pair of women’s panties. Saint Peter was perplexed as he looked at the man. “And what do those symbolize?” he inquired, his brow furrowed.
The man replied, “These are Carol’s.”
Did you hear about Bert the brown-nosed reindeer?
He’s second behind Rudolph but can’t stop as quickly.
Recommended: Reindeer Jokes
What is the most disappointing thing for dads on Christmas?
When he gets a sweater, he was hoping for a screamer or a squirter.
The girlfriend walked in on his boyfriend putting on a condom.
She said, “What are you doing?”
He said, “Wrapping your Christmas present!”
What’s the same between a Christmas tree and a heroin addict?
They leave needles everywhere.
What do the wives of Santa’s Reindeer do on Christmas Eve while Santa and the Reindeer are off delivering presents?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.
What do an emo and a bauble have in common?
Both hang from a tree at Christmas.
A man and his wife attend the company’s Christmas party.
The guy gets shitfaced and starts running his mouth, as usual. He begins by making fun of the boss’s wife, telling her how fat she is, how bad her cooking is, and how life would be better without her.
He sits up in bed the next morning, holding his head.
“Man, I’m feeling like shit,” he admitted to his wife.
“Well, you f#cking asshole, you should.”
Oh, yes, the company Christmas party. So, lay it on me. What happened?”
“What did you think happened? You got drunk and began berating the boss’s wife, telling her how fat she was and how she couldn’t cook. You know, the routine.”
“Well, what happened next?”
“Your boss fired you. What do you think happened next?”
The husband continues, “You know what, f#ck him.”
“I did. You can start work on Monday.”
Why did the snowman drop his pants?
He heard the snowblower was coming by.
Recommended: Snowman Jokes
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
What do you do if somebody dies on Christmas Eve?
Wait 12 hours and have Christmas Mourning.
What did Miss Piggy give Kermit for Christmas?
A cop on horseback stops at a traffic light on Christmas morning, and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.
The cop tells the young girl, “You have a nice bike, sweetheart. Did Santa bring you that?”
“Yes, he did,” she sweetly replied.
The cop says, with a smile on his face, “So, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike next year,” he says as he hands the girl a $20 ticket.
She says this as the cop rides away “By the way, you have a nice horse there. Did Santa bring you that?”
The cop, playing along, says, “He certainly did.”
“Well, next year, tell Santa the d#ck goes underneath the horse, not on top.”
What do you call a Christmas sex toy drive?
Toys for Thots.
The kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas.
Normally we have turkey, but ok…!
Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
On the dark side!
It was the eve of Christmas. After a long day of shopping, a woman returned home to her husband. He noticed a mark on the inside of her leg later that night as she was getting ready for bed.
“What is that?” he inquired. She stated, “Today I went to the tattoo parlor. I had them tattoo ‘Merry Christmas’ on the inside of one leg and ‘Happy New Year’ on the inside of the other.”
“Why did you do that?” he wondered, perplexed.
“Well,” she replied, “now you can’t complain that there’s never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!”
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Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?
It’s cause DEC 25 = OCT 31.
Did you hear about Derek’s lesbian neighbors who got him a Rolex for Christmas?
Guess they misunderstood when he said he wanna watch.
How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song “Baby It’s Cold Outside”?
Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, “Yo Bitch, It’s Freezing Outside.”
It’s almost Christmas.
The kids are finally sleeping, and it’s late.
The husband is tired but feeling the itch, and his wife must be too because she’s as eager as him.
So close to finishing. They’re panting. She’s gasping “Oh come. Oohhhh come. Oohhhh come.”
The husband’s sleep-deprived brain could only come up with one response, “All ye faithful.”
Why do Mexican families have tamales for Christmas?
Because they’re too poor to have anything else to open.
Kid: Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?
Mother: Because it’s cheaper than chemotherapy…”
What do you call the genocide of Christmas elves?
Ho ho holocaust.
Have dirtier Christmas jokes? Your own sexy puns and one-liners can be written in the comment section below. Go on!