Italians are well known for their vibrant culture, exquisite cuisine, and history filled with rich traditions, which often serve as the backbone for many humorous anecdotes and Italian jokes. The stereotypes associated with Italian culture – passionate hand gestures, strong family ties, or an undying love for pasta and pizza, for instance – provide ample material for a good-natured jest. When these humorous characterizations mesh with the distinct traits and peculiarities that set Italians apart, they give birth to a diverse collection of Italian jokes.
As with any form of humor based on national or cultural stereotypes, it’s essential to remember that these jokes are meant to celebrate cultural differences, rather than demean or marginalize. So, whether you’re sharing a laugh with an Italian friend or you’re just a fan of Italian culture, these jokes can offer a light-hearted perspective on what makes Italy and its people so delightfully distinctive.
Best Italian Jokes
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will be a pizza history.
Why the word ‘asparagus’ is funny?
It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone we ask can’t remember either.
Why do Italian policemen always carry bread around with them?
Foccacia’n criminals.
Won’t be people get impressed when you tell them that your home is designed by a famous Italian?
Until you invite them home and they realize you live in a Fiat.
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?
The spaghetto.
Why are the Italians so good at football?
Because it involves changing sides halfway through.
Why are so many Italian men named Tony?
When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp “To N.Y.” on them.
What’s the difference between a deaf person and an Italian?
One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can’t hear.
Why should you always knock on your fridge door before opening it?
Because there could be an Italian dressing inside.
What kind of coffee did Italians most enjoy during the 1940s?
Oppresso.
What do you call an American Italian living in Latvia?
Rigatoni.
One Day, a French, a German, and an Italian spy are captured.
The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions, and gives up all of his secrets.
The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.
They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing him. 4 hours go by and the spy isn’t talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.
The German and French spies are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk.
The Italian spy says, “I wanted to, but I couldn’t move my hands.”
What do you call an Italian genie?
A fettugenie.
Why did Italian knights use pasta to duel?
Because the penne is mightier than the sword.
What’s the worst job for a talkative Italian?
A surgeon.
An English man, German, French, and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: “Yes” “Oui” “Sì” “Ja.”
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Why don’t Italians like Jehovah’s Witnesses?
Italians don’t like ANY witnesses.
What does an Italian terminator say
“Pasta-lavista.”
What do you call an Italian guy who knows all the government’s secrets?
Lou Minnati.
What do you call a sportscar carved out of Italian wood?
A lumberghini.
An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. “Here’s your first question,” the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Withouta numbers?” the Italian says, “Datsa easy.” and he proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Ave you gotta no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,” says the Italian.
“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The Italian stares into space for a while then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.”
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?”
An Italian woman is pregnant. You congratulate her. She says “Grazie”. What do you say to her after that?
Prego.
What do Timon and Pumbaa order at Italian Restaurants?
The Tuna Piccata.
What did the Italian say after the hailstorm?
“My car! Itsa Al Dente!”
What do you call an Italian car cut in two?
Halfa Romeo.
Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the cooks are British, the police are German American, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.
What do you name a child whose mother is Indian and Chinese, and whose father is Irish and Italian?
Ravi O’Lee.
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How do you talk to Italian ghosts?
With a Luigi board.
Why do Italian men grow a mustache?
So they can look like their mother.
What do you call an Italian turtle?
A turtleini.
What’s an innuendo?
An Italian suppository.
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”
What do you call 8 Italian grandmothers, sitting on a bench next to a superhero?
Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana BATMAN!
What does the Italian police do with a criminal pig?
Prosecutto.
What did the grouchy old Italian man say to the annoying tourist?
“Get off Milan!”
What web browser do Italians use?
Mozzarella Firefox.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you, honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asks.
“The one I asked for – an Italian girl!”
“Oh, that. I did what I could. We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.”
Why did the Italian cheese maker join a dating app?
He was provolonely.
France and Italy go to war. Who wins?
Neither. France surrenders and Italy switches sides.
What did the Italian mosquito say?
“Itsa me Malario!”
What do you call an Italian prison?
A Penne-tentury.
An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.
They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette, and asks her, “So… you finish?”
After a short pause, she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
“No. I’m Swedish.”
How do Italians say goodbye?
Pasta La Vista.
What does an Italian Llama say?
“Llama mia.”
What did the Italian diver say when he saw the big eel?
“That’s a Moray!”
What do you call an Italian fortune teller with a negative outlook on the future?
A pesto-mystic.
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?”
“My wife’s.”
”What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked, “Can I borrow the dog?”
The Italian man replied, “Get in line.”
What’s an Italian chef’s favorite speech?
Spaghettysburg address.
Why did God create gold chains?
So Italian guys would know when to quit shaving.
What do you call an Italian-Jamaican fish?
Salmon.
What did the Italian cannibal eat for dinner?
A bowl o’ knees.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.
The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head, and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
What do you call an Italian rectal thermometer?
Innuendo.
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
“You wanna pizza me?”
What do you call an Italian cook who steals from his restaurant?
A penne pincher.
Al dente is the Italian term for perfectly cooked pasta, but do you know the term for burned pasta?
Al Dante.
A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they’d rather bang
One of them says some big name actress, the other says “Virginia Pippilini.”
The first guy’s like, “Who’s that? Is she a model?”
“I don’t know”
“Actress?”
“I don’t know.”
“Singer?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well if you don’t know, why choose her?”
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. “Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead.”
Why couldn’t the Italian get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
What is the proper way to explore Italy?
You Rome.
What do you call an Italian moose?
Mooseolini.
What do you call an Italian born in 1995?
A Milan-nial.
An Italian father wants to give his son a gun for his 18th birthday.
“As is tradition in Italy, I’m going to give you a gun for your 18th birthday.” The father says.
“But I don’t want a gun. What about a nice watch? I would really like a watch, like a Rolex or something.” The son replies.
“Son…” The father sighs, “This is an Italian tradition. You’re going to get a gun for your birthday.”
“I really don’t want a gun, I want a nice watch.” The son says.
“Listen.” The father says in a more serious tone, “You’re going to get older, and you’re going to marry a beautiful woman. One day you come home, and walk into the living room and she isn’t there. You go into the kitchen and she isn’t there. Then you walk upstairs, to the bedroom, and you’re going to find your wife sleeping with your best friend. What are you going to do?? Point at your watch and say ‘Times up?!'”
Why is the leaning tower of Pisa in Italy?
It’s Italicized.
What do you call a Jedi Italian pastry chef?
Obi Wan Cannoli.
Did you know that Jesus Christ was Italian?
He lived with his mother for 33 years; he thought she was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.
Where does the vanishing Italian magician park his boats?
“This ah, pier.”
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey”, she said, “You received a very strange post card today.”
“Oh, really? Let me see…,” he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: ‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.’
What do creeps eat at an Italian restaurant?
Fetish-ini Alfredo.
What do you call Italian aliens?
Italiens.
How does a Latino ask for your order at an Italian restaurant?
“Qué pasta?”
How do you break up with somebody in Italy?
“It’s not you! It’s a me, Mario!”
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren’t bold.
An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing.
The Greek man says “Look, all I’m saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!”
The Italian says “Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!”
The Greek man says “We invented the Democracy!”
The Italian says “We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!”
The Greek man says “Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!”
The Italian says “And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!”
The Greek man, frustrated, finally says “Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED sex!”
The Italian man says “That may be true, but we introduced it to women.”
What’s served at a quiet Italian restaurant?
Psst-ghetti.
What do you call an Italian Rastafarian?
A Pastafarian.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that wanted to become a baker?
The transfer was a pizza cake.
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What do you call an Italian who has a thing for feet?
A fetishini.
What do you call an Italian hooker?
A PASTA-tute.
How do you recognize a dyslexic Italian?
He speaks with his non-dominant hand.
Do you have a funny Italian joke? Write down your own Italian puns in the comment section below!
