95 Funny England Jokes for the Best of British Humor

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Jessica Amlee

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England, with its rich history, idiosyncratic customs, and distinctive accent, often becomes the friendly target of humor from other nations. The playful ribbing might originate from historical rivalries, cultural differences, or simply the universal human tendency to find amusement in the peculiarities of others. The unique English weather, love for tea, or even the stiff-upper-lip stereotype are all common fodder for such humor. This international banter has given rise to a variety of England jokes that are enjoyed worldwide. These puns often center on quintessentially English themes – the perennially overcast skies, the passion for football, or the perplexing rules of cricket.

So what are you waiting for? These British jokes savored over a cup of Earl Grey, provide a humorous lens to scrutinize and reflect upon the complexities of England’s unique character, shaped by a long history of conquests and colonization. Read on!

Best England Jokes

Why did the conjoined twins move to England?
So the other one could drive.

Which city in England is famous for its men with hairy chests?

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

Did you hear about the city which was stolen today in the North of England?
Police are desperately looking for Leeds.

Why are the pyramids located in Egypt?
They were too big to transport to England.

Why do you call everything in England outside of Nottingham?

What would an English football fan do if England won the World Cup?
Stop playing FIFA and go to bed.

Do you know that England doesn’t have a kidney bank?
But it does have a Liverpool.

What is England’s relationship with football?
A lot like the dad who went out for cigarettes. We keep saying he is coming home. But never does.

What do you call a beautiful woman in England?
A tourist.

What do people like to wear in England?

Did you hear about the gay fashion writer who was just invited to a tea party in England?
It was the Elle GB Tea.

What do you call a dog whose mother is from England and his father is from Iran?
He’s a pom-iranian.

What did England say to Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland when it saw they were upset?

In England, when you turn 100 you get a letter from the queen.
When you turn 13 you get a text from Prince Andrew.

Did you hear about the American who was going to open a dollar store in England?
It’ll be called Pound Town.

Recommended: Royal Family Jokes

What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common?
It’s either Sunni or Shiite.

One foggy morning on the border of England and Scotland.
A Scottish voice came out from within the dense fog, “Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen.”
The English general stationed at the border took offense and sent down 10 of his soldiers. There were sounds of a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.
“Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishmen.”
With this, the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured, and again NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice echoed.
“Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishmen.”
Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later the voice came again.
“Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishmen.”
By this time, the English general had enough and was about to go down himself, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp.
As he reached his general he said, “Don’t send any more troops down, it’s a trap! There are two of them!”

What do British nuclear engineers eat?
Fission chips.

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?
Because Rick Astley is British.

Why do British people pronounce it as bri’ish?
They drank the T.

Why are rich British people fat?
Because they measure their wealth in pounds.

What’s the difference between peanut butter and the British monarchs?
One is usually on bread the other is inbread.

What’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
One is a marsupial and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman want to get into the Olympics, but they haven’t got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm, and walks to the gate. “McTavish, Scotland,” he says, “Discus” and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. “Waddington-Smythe, England,” he says. “Pole vault.” And in he walks. The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. “O’Malley, Ireland,” he says. “Fencing.”

Recommended: Irish Jokes

Why are Irish jokes so stupid?
So the Brits can understand them.

What is something that feels British but isn’t?
The contents of the British Museum.

What’s the difference between watts and ohms?
Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

What happens when a British guy makes a promise?
He Brexit.

What do you call a TV series about British royalty, acted and directed by infants?
Downton Babby.

Why does the sun never set on the British empire?
Because God can’t trust the British in the dark.

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: “What it means to be British?”
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner. “Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, sitting on Swedish furniture, and watching American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds, and has a Romanian au-pair. And the most British thing of all? Suspicious of anything Foreign.”

What is the most common line you will read in a British museum?
“Looted from India.”

What do you call a British circle jerk?
A Union Jack.

What’s the favorite drink of every British serial killer?
Casual tea.

What’s the difference between herpes and news about the British royal family?
It’s easier to get rid of herpes.

How do British people say, “Shut up, Karen”?
“Calm down, Umbridge.”

There was an Englishman, a Frenchmen, and a Japanese man sitting at a bar.
They were all in good spirits, complimenting each other’s countries and their achievements. But they also pointed out the strange customs too.
It was the Englishman and the Frenchman who spoke first about Japan. They said, “Japan is such a fine country that has provided the world with so many useful things. But you still eat seaweed!”
Then it was the Englishman and the Japanese man who spoke about France. They said, “France is such a fine country that has provided the world with so many useful things. But you still eat frog’s legs!”
Finally, the Japanese man and the Frenchman spoke about England. They said, “England is such a fine country which has provided the world with so many useful things. But you still eat English food!”

Where will the new King of England keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

Recommended: Charles Jokes

Wanna hear an old British joke?
King Charles III.

What’s the worse job you can get as a vegan in England?

Do you know that when British people do cocaine, they don’t do lines?
They do queues.

Why was the British Politician’s Home invaded?
He forgot to close the Farage.

A chemist goes to England for the first time.
He walks into a crowded restaurant in the suburbs. He realizes he starts to get really hot, and as he wipes the sweat of his forehead he asks his waiter, “Why is it so humid in here?”
The waiter responds, “Lots of people have been moving from London recently, and everywhere is getting hotter from the body heat.”
It was at this moment that the chemist wished there were weaker London dispersion forces.

What is propaganda?
It’s when a British person takes a good look at something.

How do you know the toothbrush is a British invention?
If it was from elsewhere they’d call it a teethbrush.

Why do British people put milk in their tea?
It’s not clear.

What did the British Museum guard say to the Indian thief?
“No takebacks!”

Why does the river Thames run through London?
If it walked, it’d get stabbed.

Why is England the wettest country?
Because the Queen reigned there for decades.

Recommended: Queen Jokes

Why is chess so difficult for British people?
Cause they just lost the queen.

400 years ago, England sent their criminals to Australia and puritans to America.
Sounds like Australia got the better deal.

A man was in a bar in England, having a beer.
Two plump women walked in with an accent he hadn’t yet heard during his tenure.
“Hi ladies, are ye from Scotland?” he asked.
One of the women turned towards him and snarled, “It’s Wales, dumb**!”
“Oh, I’m really sorry!” he said. “Are you whales from Scotland?”

What do you call a British pig that has been set on fire?

What’s the name of Liverpool in a parallel dimension?

What’s the best thing about owning a car in Liverpool?
You’ll eventually end up with enough bricks to build a free garage.

How do you phone the maternity department at Newcastle Hospital?
“Dial 8.”

What’s Robin Hood’s least favorite font?
The Serif of Nottingham.

What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation?
Returning to the scene of the crime.

Recommended: Australia Jokes

How can you tell when a jet landing in Australia is from England?
When the engines are turned off the whining continues.

An Australian goes to England.
He was about to cross the street when he almost got hit by a car.
The English driver yelled, “Hey man, have you come here to die?”
“No,” he said. “I came here yesterday!”

Why do the British pronounce a “bottle of water” as a “bo’oh’o’wa’er”?
Because they drank all the t.

What’s a British hacker’s favorite food?
Phish and Chips.

What did the British man say to his American neighbor?
“I need you, to have a neighbour.”

What do British people say when they can’t tell if you’re joking?

Which British prime minister was the best driver?
Benjamin This Rally.

During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France, and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute.
The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said, “Pour la France!” and jumped without the parachute.
The American downed a glass of bourbon, said, “For freedom!” and jumped without the parachute.
The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said, “For Scotland!” and threw the Englishman.

Which day of the week the British are extra careful about how they eat?

What did the British umpire say to the batter?

What’s the difference between a British Bee and a US Bee?
A USB holds more data.

In England, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know where your children are?”
In France, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know where your husband is?”
In Italy, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know where your wife is?”
In Poland, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know what time it is?”

Recommended: Polish Jokes

Did you hear about the lady from England who was so flat she couldn’t fill an a-cup?
She was a real manchester.

How do British cows communicate with each other?
By moo-bile phone.

What do they call fist bumps in the U.K.?
British Pounds.

What do you call an unshaven British Spy?

Do you know why you never see stories about vampires in the British tabloids?
Because you aren’t likely to see a vampire in The Sun or The Mirror.

When God had finished creating Scotland, He looked down on it with great satisfaction. Finally, he called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look. “Just see,” said God. “This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, nice cool weather. And I’ve given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some.”
Gabriel took an appreciative sip. “Excellent,” he said. “But haven’t you perhaps been too kind to them? Won’t they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?”
“Just wait till you see the neighbors they’re getting,” said God.

Why are the homeless British so mean?
Because they’re roofless.

Why did the British conquer so much land?
They needed more proper tea.

What weapon do British people use to make their enemies go away?
A sod off shotgun.

Heaven is where the police are British, the lovers French, the mechanics German, the chefs Italian, and it is all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the lovers Swiss, the mechanics French, the chefs British, and it is all organized by the Italians.

What do you call a British guy that even lifts?

What do you call a British assassin?
An arsearsein.

What do you call someone who is 25% British?

What do British police officers use to get hair out of their faces?
Bobby Pins.

An English man meets a Chinese woman on his travels.
They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however, cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breasts. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn’t know how to tell him what she wants. As she is about to leave in embarrassment, she comes upon an idea. She points at her breasts, and the butcher understands, giving her the duck breast.
On the next day, seeing how the previous day turned out, the man asked the woman to go to the butcher to get chicken legs. When she gets there, after a bit of thinking, raises her skirt and points at her thighs. The butcher gets the message and gives her the chicken legs.
On the next day, the man asked the woman to go to the butcher to get sausages. Unable to think of anything, she decides to bring her husband to the butcher with her.
Upon arriving, the husband says, “I would like some sausages please.”

Why are there regions in England named Wessex, Sussex, Essex, and Northumbria?
Because nobody wants to live in a place called Nosex.

How does a British neckbeard ask to have his backside heavily tanned in late December?
Crisp m’arse.

How does a British person say “goodbye” and “I’m going to the bathroom” at the same time?

What do you call a British dinosaur?
A tea-rex.

How does a British plant greet you?

A British soldier returns from war after 4 years against the Germans.
His faithful wife, longing for sex all these years, dresses up in her sheerest lingerie, hoping to entice her returning husband. She waits by the door as her husband enters and her lingerie gently slips off her body and she stands there naked. “Darling, look what the wind blew away”, she says seductively.
The husband, looking sad and dejected, drops his pants, and says, “Sweetheart, look what the Germans blew away.”

What did the British pimp say to his accountant?
“Tally Ho!”

Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline?
Because their lips have so many chaps on them.

Why was Bunker Hill so slippery?
The British were cumming.

Do you have a better England joke? Write down your own British jokes in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

1 thought on “95 Funny England Jokes for the Best of British Humor”

  1. I am driving through England currently and plan to be in Greenwich tomorrow.
    Not too sure what to do in The Mean Time.


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