Santa Banta stories have long wandered through grown-up conversations, carried by the wild charm of two friends who never seem to avoid trouble. Their world feels like a bustling neighborhood where gossip travels fast and the loudest laughs come from the most unexpected situations. Adults know that once these two appear, something bold is about to unfold and everyone suddenly leans in a little closer.
Our jokes take that same playful chaos and push it into cheeky territory where the humor is spicy but still delivered with a wink. Readers come for the mischief, stay for the twist, and secretly hope the pair never change their ways. Even the famous Santa Banta non veg jokes fit into this lively universe, giving adults a space to unwind with a laugh that feels both harmless and delightfully naughty.
Non-Veg Santa Banta Jokes
Santa sold his taxi and opened a Xerox shop instead.
When Banta asked him why he did that, Santa smiled and said,
“Yaara, dil khush ho jaata hai jab ladkiyan aakar kehti hain… ‘Santa ji, aage piche dono side se kar do.’”
During lovemaking, Santa suddenly stops & remains motionless.
Wife: “What the hell are you doing?”
Santa: “I have seen this on YouTube… Its called BUFFERING!”
On a romantic date, Banta’s girlfriend leaned closer and asked, “Darling, on our engagement will you give me a ring?”
Banta replies, “Sure. What’s your phone number?”
Santa asked, “Why did that woman beat you up?”
Banta sighed and said, “Her seat had my water bottle under it. I only told her, ‘Bhabhi, tangey uthao… mujhey apna paani nikalna hai.’”
“Santa! Your daughter has died!”
Depressed, Banta jumps from the 100th floor.
On the 50th floor, he remembers I don’t have a daughter!
On the 25th floor, he remembers I’m unmarried!
On the 10th floor, he remembers, “I’m Banta, not Santa!”
Pappu said, “Brother, give me one condom. I want to gift it to my girlfriend.”
The shopkeeper asked, “Should I put a cover on it?”
Santa jumped in and said, “Arre nahin bhai, ye cover hi hai, gift toh mere paas hai.”
At the scene of an accident, a man was crying, “Oh God, I have lost my hand!”
Santa says, “Control yourself, don’t cry. Look at that man, he has lost his head. Is he crying?”
In the Resume of Santa:
Strength: My Wife, Manjeet
Weakness: Banta’s wife, Manpreet
Opportunity: When Banta is on Tour
Fear: When I am on Tour.
Santa gave Preeto a pair of dice and said, “If the roll shows 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5, we will make love.”
Preeto asked, “And if it comes up 6?”
Santa replied, “Tune kabhi saanp seedi nhi kheli. Agar 6 aaya to dobara dice fenkna.”
A co-worker told Santa that his wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with Santa’s best friend.
Worried and hurt, Santa ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved.
His co-worker asked him how it went.
“Look,” said Santa. “Don’t start such terrible rumors! That guy isn’t my best friend… I don’t even know him.”
Recommended: Santa Banta Jokes
Banta complained to a doctor that he wet his bed every night.
“Before it happens, do you see any dreams?” the doctor asked.
“Yes, doctor. Usually, I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, ‘Let’s pee’.”
“OK,” the doctor said. “Next time you see the demon, say, No, we’ve already peed.”
Next time Banta came to the doctor, the latter asked, “So, did you do as I said?”
“Yes, I did.”
“Did it help?”
“No, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse.”
“How?”
“As I said, ‘We’ve already peed,’ the demon nodded and said, ‘Then, let’s sh*t a little.'”
A doctor prescribed suppositories to Santa suffering from constipation but a week later he returned to the doctor and complained that the treatment wasn’t working.
“Have you been taking them regularly?” asked the doctor.
“What do you think I’ve been doing?” snapped Santa. “Shoving them up my $$?”
Santa calls up the doc at 2 AM. “Doc, my wife is having severe abdominal pain. I think it’s her appendix.”
“What nonsense!” says the doc sleepily.
“I took out your wife’s appendix two years ago. Go back to sleep.”
Five minutes later, the phone rings and it’s Santa again.
“Doc, I’m sure it’s her appendix.”
“Oh God!” the doctor groaned.
“Did you ever hear of anyone having a second appendix?”
“No…,” says Santa. “But I’m sure you must have heard of someone having a second wife..!!!!”
Banta had been admiring his neighbor’s wife for a long time. She always gave him a seductive smile whenever they greeted each other. Banta never knew how to approach her because she was married. One day, the lady herself came to Banta’s apartment when he was alone.
Banta says, “Hi.”
Lady replies, “Hi.”
Banta asks, “Is everything alright?”
Lady answers softly, “Yes, I just need a little help from you,” and she smiles seductively.
Banta responds, “Wow, anything for the angel.”
Lady hesitates, “I… I… I just don’t know how to say this. I’ll be so ashamed if I ask and you say no.”
Banta assures, “Oh my lady, you don’t have to worry. I am ready to do anything for you.”
Lady explains, “You know, it’s been over three weeks since my husband travelled.”
Banta reacts excitedly, “Yes, yes, yes!”
Lady continues, “And even when he’s around, he has some… some disabilities.”
Banta sympathizes, “Oh poor you, you must have been going through so much.”
Lady adds, “I know you’ll be stronger than him.”
Banta replies, “Sure.”
Lady asks, “Can you help me?”
Banta responds eagerly, “Wow, now? Sure, I’m ready if you’re ready.”
Lady finally says, “Oh thank goodness, that’s why I came to you. Can you help me carry our deep freezer from the kitchen to the next street for repairs?”
Santa sets up Banta to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Banta is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Banta, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”
“Don’t worry,” Santa says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack.”
So that night, Banta knocks at Shirley’s door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and s*xy she is. Banta’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, “Aaauuuggghhh!”
Santa and his wife Jeeto were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
Santa said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other jerk using my stuff.”
Jeeto looked at Santa and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another jerk?”
Santa and Banta were looking at a catalog and admiring the models.
Santa says to the Banta, “Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?”
Banta replies, “Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!”
Santa says, with wide eyes, “Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.”
Banta smiles and pats him on the back, “Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.”
Three weeks later, Banta asks Santa, “Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalog?”
Santa replies, “No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!”
Banta says, “All of the thrill is gone from my marriage.”
Santa suggests, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?”
Banta worries, “But what if my wife finds out?”
Santa replies, “This is a new age we live in. Go ahead and just tell her about it.”
Banta goes home to his wife and says, “Preeto, I think an affair will help bring us closer together.”
Preeto replies, “Forget it, I’ve already tried that. It didn’t work.”
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, Banta and his wife Preeto decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
“What seems to be the problem?”
Immediately, Banta held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, Preeto began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 10-15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.
Afterwards, Preeto sat there – speechless. He looked over at Banta who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counselor spoke to Banta, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
Banta scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Wednesdays and Saturdays.”
Santa is talking to Banta about married life.
“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.”
Banta says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
A couple of weeks later Santa has to go out of town on a business tour. Before he goes, he gets together with Banta.
“While I’m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”
Banta agrees to help out, and Santa leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets Banta, “So did anything happen?”
“I have some bad news for you,” says Banta.
“The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt and then…. they turned off the light.”
“Then what happened?” says Santa.
“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”
“Damn, you see what I mean? There’s always that doubt.”
A cop stops his patrol car when he sees Banta and his girlfriend sitting on the curb. Banta is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his butt, and she’s reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, “What the hell is going on?”
The girl says, “This is my date. When I told him I wouldn’t spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he’s too drunk to drive me home, so I’m trying to sober him up by making him puke.”
The cop says, “That’s not going to make him puke.”
She says, “Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth.”
“I’m scared,” Banta said to one of his friends. “I got a letter from a guy who said he’d break my legs if I didn’t stop seeing his wife.”
“Well,” replied his friend, “I guess you’ll have to stop seeing his wife.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“You like her that much?” the friend asks.
“It’s not that,” declared Banta. “He didn’t sign his name!”
Preeto fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours.
But one day, the dentist said sadly, “Preeto, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband’s bound to get suspicious.”
“No way, sweetie, he’s as dumb as a post,” she assured him. “Besides, we’ve been seeing each other for six months now, and he doesn’t suspect a thing.”
“True,” agreed the dentist, “but you’re down to one tooth!”
Santa had been out for a few days due to ill health. At work, Banta asked him how he was feeling.
“I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience,” he replied.
“Wonderful? How can the cold and fever be wonderful?” Banta asked Santa in stunned disbelief.
“Well, I learned that my wife, Jeeto, really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a deliveryman headed toward the door, she ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!'”
Santa came home earlier than usual, when his wife, Jeeto’s lover, was still in the apartment. She hid her lover in a closet and served dinner. As they ate, something rustled in the closet.
“What’s that?” Santa’s husband asked.
“Nothing, darling. Just jackets.”
After a while, they again heard some noise in the closet.
“What the hell is that?”
“I’m telling you, just jackets.”
A few minutes later, the noise sounded once more.
“I’ll check it,” Santa said. “You’ll regret it if it’s not jackets.”
Santa yanked the closet’s door open. Inside, he saw a man who held a pistol. Santa quietly closed the door, and said, “Indeed, jackets, darling.”
Santa’s wife, Jeeto, got into a terrible car accident. Her face was terribly burned. The doctors couldn’t use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery.
As a result, Santa offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.
One night, Jeeto and Santa were watching TV when she broke down crying.
“What’s the matter?” Santa asked.
Jeeto said, “I can’t believe you did this for me.”
Santa hugged her and replied, “Don’t worry about it, I love you, and I’d do anything for you.”
But how will I ever repay you?” she asked.
To which Santa replied, “You don’t need to repay me… You wouldn’t believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek.”
Banta`s wife, Preeto, goes to England to attend a two-week company training session. Banta drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.
Preeto answers, “Thank you, honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”
Banta laughs and says, “An English girl !!!
Preeto kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later, Banta picks her up at the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?”
“What I asked for, the English girl?!”
Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it’s a girl !!!
Banta and his wife, Preeto, were shocked when Preeto’s doctor said that she had a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have s*x again, the strain would be too much. So Banta and Preeto reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and Banta decides he’d better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs–Preeto is coming downstairs, and Banta is heading up.
“Honey, I have a confession to make,” Preeto says, her voice quavering. “I was about to commit suicide.”
“I`m glad to hear it, sweetie,” Banta says, “Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!”
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per meter, madam,” replied Banta (clerk). “That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I`ll take five meters.”
“Five meters only?”, asked Banta. “Hmmmmm..”, the girl thinks for a moment and said, “Ok, give me ten meters.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, Banta hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.
Santa was talking to his fiancée, Jeeto, and he said, “Be honest, how am I as a lover?”
To which Jeeto replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.” “Really?” Santa said excitedly. “Yes, in fact, I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word warm.”
Santa was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Banta wanted to determine if both his wife, Preeto, and his mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other`s behavior.
When his wife, Preeto, returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.
“She slept with nearly every man on the ship,” Preeeto reported.
Disheartened Banta then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife, Preeto.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
“How so?” encouraged Banta.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
Santa, the biology teacher, called on Neha, “Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and state the conditions?”
Neha gasped and said in a huff, “Why, Sir? That is an inappropriate question, and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!” She sat down, red-faced.
“Sunita, can you tell me the answer?” asked Santa.
“The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions,” said Sunita.
“Correct. Now, Neha, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you are going to be disappointed someday!”
Santa and his wife, Jeeto, went on vacation to a resort. One morning, Santa came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. Jeeto decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out a short distance from shore, anchored the boat, and started reading a book she had brought with her.
Along comes a guard in his boat – pulls up alongside and asks, “What are you doing out here?”
Jeeto replies, “I’m just reading a book.” “Well, maa’m, this is a restricted area,” he says.
Then, he sees all the fishing equipment in the boat and continues, “You cant fish here, maa’m.”
To which she replies, “I’m not fishing. I’m merely sitting here reading my book.”
“But you have all this equipment, I will have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I will charge you with r@pe.”
“Why…I didn’t even touch you.”
“No, you haven’t, but you have all the equipment…”
Banta is not sleeping with his wife these days because somebody had told him that it is wrong to sleep with married women.
Banta sees his buddy, Santa, in a bar and says, “You’re not going to believe this, but I’ve got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She’s wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she wont know you’re not me!” Santa agrees and goes out to his car. They climb into the back seat and start going at it. A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. “What the hell do you two think youre doing?”
Santa says, “Oh, there’s nothing wrong, she’s my wife.”
The cop says, “Oh, sorry, I didn`t know.”
Santa says, “Neither did I until you shined that light in here.”
Santa comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work.
The little girl asks, “Daddy, I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?”
Feeling his wife, Jeeto’s gaze upon him, Santa explains, “Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn’t believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient.”
“Oh,” says the little girl, “I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.”
Banta, a Managing Director, was interviewing a gorgeous-looking girl for the post of Personal Secretary. After about half an hour, Banta finally asked the lady what salary she expected.
Very modestly, she replied, “Rs. 30,000, Sir.”
“With pleasure,” said Banta.
“In that case, Rs. 40,000, Sir,” was the prompt reply by the lady.
Jeeto came running up to Santa, jumping for joy.
Not knowing how to react, Santa started jumping up and down along with her. “Why are we so happy?” Santa asked.
Jeeto, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”
“Great,” he said, “tell me what youre so happy about." Jeeto stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down. "Im pregnant!” she gasped.
Santa was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. Santa grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldnt be happier. Then Jeeto said, "Oh, honey, theres more.”
“What do you mean more?” he asked.
“Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
“It was easy,” she said, “I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2-pack home pregnancy test kit, and both tests came out positive!”
Santa and his girlfriend were out driving one day. He noticed that she kept looking at him and smiling.
Then she leaned over and whispered in his ear, “Can you drive using only one hand ?”
“I sure can”, Santa grinned, thinking his luck was in.
“Good”, she said, “then wipe your nose; it`s running.
At the cocktail party, Mrs. Santa asked Mrs. Banta, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
Mrs. Banta, “Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
Banta asked his wife to make some tea when his friend Santa dropped in uninvited.
“There is no sugar in the house and the shops are closed because of a bandh,” said Mrs. Banta.
“Then give me a kiss instead of a spoon of sugar,” said Banta.
Mrs. Banta paused for a moment and said, “Fine, but what about Santa? He usually takes two spoons.”
Do you have a Dirty Santa Banta joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
