Computers aren’t just for spreadsheets and Zoom calls—they’ve seen things. Late-night searches, deleted browser history, and files named “DefinitelyNotPorn.docx.” So when we talk about Dirty Computer Jokes, we’re not referring to dusty keyboards. We’re talking about the kind of jokes your antivirus might want to block. These jokes bring out the naughty side of your favorite tech buddy, the one that’s been silently judging your late-night downloads.
Now, enter the world of Dirty Computer Jokes, where your laptop develops a personality dirtier than your Wi-Fi history. It’s like your computer grew a sense of humor after overheating one too many times. These jokes don’t crash, they reboot your brain with laughter. You’ll never look at your USB port the same way again.
Adult Computer Jokes
What happens when a computer engineer fails at flirting with a waitress?
Error in connecting to the server.
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
What’s the difference between a computer and an American?
An American doesn’t have troubleshooting.
This man thinks his neighbor is stalking him as she’s been googling his name on her computer…
He says that he saw it through his telescope last night.
This guy told a girl his d*ck was like a computer.
She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.
Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was Microsoft and full of viruses.
What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?
Nothing.
A blonde’s office computer had technical issues.
IT support came over to the desk and said he needed the password to access her account.
“It’s ‘MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon,'” she replied.
“A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?” the support dude asked.
She went, “Because the computer said the password has to be at least 5 characters and have a capital.”
What do you call a fat computer?
A Dell.
Painted the computer dark hoping it would run faster…
Now it just doesn’t work.
Recommended: Computer Jokes
I downloaded your mom on a computer.
When clicked, it said “file is too large to open”.
What happens when you give your computer viagra?
It goes from having a floppy disk to having a hard drive.
Life before the computer:
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy….. you just hoped nobody found out.
What’s the difference between a feminist and a computer?
You can punch information into a computer.
Johnny was watching a p*rno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off.
Then he realised he hadn’t turned my computer on yet.
How do blind people read braille on a computer?
With a touchscreen.
What did the gay computer program say when it came out of the closet?
“HelloOoOoo World!”
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high-fidelity music in women’s breast implants.
The iBoob will cost between $629 and $879, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
How come the computers in the orphanage don’t work?
They don’t have a motherboard.
Ever since I downloaded AdBlock on my computer…
All the local girls in my area seem to have lost interest.
Why is a blonde like a computer?
You never fully appreciate them until after they’ve gone down on you.
This man and his wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer.
Trying to be clever, the man put “Mypenis” and his wife fell to the ground laughing hysterically because on the screen it said:
“Error. Not long enough.”
What do you call a man who’s attracted to young computers?
A PDFile.
How do you know that the computer is s*xually attracted to you?
If you can turn it on.
What is another name for a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
How much storage did Jeffrey Epstein’s computer have?
2 Pedobytes.
Late at night, the husband is browsing adult websites on his computer, thinking that his wife is sound asleep.
The wife wakes up to go to the bathroom, and then, without saying a word (and without the husband noticing) stands behind his back observing. All of a sudden, he hears her say: “Go back… another page. There! Those are the curtains I want for our bedroom.”
“You spend far too much time on that f*cking computer.”
Possibly a bit harsh, but as one of Stephen Hawking’s closest friends, I felt someone had to tell him.
Where does a gay computer science major work?
Back end development.
Why did the computer get hot?
It was turned on.
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company’s production line.
One day, a guided school tour arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. “This,” he said, “is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it. Would anyone like to try?” Little Johnny quickly stepped forward and asked, “Where is my father?” There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the answer appeared on the screen: “Fishing in Florida.” Little Johnny laughed, “Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.”
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better. Little Johnny thought and said to the Ultimate Computer, “Where is my mother’s husband?”
Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the screen lit up with an answer: “Dead. But your father is still fishing in Florida.”
What is OJ Simpson’s computer password?
Slash Slash back-Slash escape.
Why can’t an orphan use a computer?
They can’t find the home page.
How do you ‘turn on’ a computer?
You press her buttons.
One day, Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything.
quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ”Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.”
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: “Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”
A motherboard went on a date with a processor.
They didn’t read each other’s BIOS and found out they weren’t compatible, so they just got drunk.
Why do computers not understand they/them pronouns?
Because they are non-binary.
What do right-handed people hate most?
Having to switch hands at the computer.
As the night progressed, they tried to figure out a way to make it work. Finally, the processor convinced the motherboard to come back to his place and see what would happen.
But then they realize that they didn’t have a designated driver.
When questioned about the encounter the following day, neither of them seemed to have any memory.
Trying to change my password to “MyPulloutGame” but the computer says its too weak.
All 7 of my children: “Why are you crying dad?”
What is the best girlfriend for a computer geek?
One that turns his software into hardware.
How did the boy’s computer get all wet?
He was surfing the web.
Why does Snoop Dog keep a box of tissues near his computer?
For jizzle.
A blonde is on vacation.
She walks into an Internet café to send an e-mail to her mom back home.
She doesn’t know how to work the computers, so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: “Excuse me, could you help me send an e-mail to my mom?”
“Sure,” he says to her, “But it will cost you.”
The blonde says, “Sure, I’ll do anything for my mom.”
“In that case, follow me.”
She follows him into the back room, and he pushes her down onto her knees. He unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers.
“Well, go on then, you said you’d do anything!”
So she grabs his p*nis, holds it up to her mouth and says, “Hello… mom are you there?”
What kind of women are computer programmers attracted to?
BASIC b*tches, obviously…
How do you catch a fish with a computer?
Use click bait.
What do you get when you combine a wh*re and a computer?
A fucking know it all.
A redneck bought a computer and was trying to browse the internet with his friend.
They came across a shopping website, which they mistook for a dating site, and ended up in the lingerie section.
After a long search, his friend pointed and said, “Look! This woman wearing red lingerie is really gorgeous and is only $49.99. Order her!”
So he went ahead and placed the order.
Two weeks later, his friend came back and asked, “Did that woman in the red lingerie arrive yet?”
“No,” he said gleefully. “But she’s going to arrive even better.”
“How?” his friend asked.
He pulled the red lingerie out of the box and said, “Just yesterday, she sent this by mail.”
Recommended: Computer Science Jokes
How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer?
The joystick is wet.
What’s The Dictator’s favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
Why do gender-fluid bis*xuals fail computer classes?
They’re confused by anything binary.
Do you have a dirty Computer joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
