Dirty jokes are the jalapeños of comedy: spicy, unexpected, and leaving you craving more (or running for a glass of milk, depending on your tolerance level). The appeal of these adult jokes lies in their audacity, in their saucy dance on the edge of societal norms. People adore the thrill of saying or hearing something that’s a little—okay, maybe more than a little—naughty and sometimes offensive. It’s like speeding on the highway of humor; you know you’re pushing the limits, but oh man, does it feel good to let loose!
Now, let’s mix that universal love for dirty jokes with a shot of Irish whiskey—voila, we’ve got ourselves some Dirty Irish Jokes! You see, the Irish have a storytelling tradition that goes back further than your grandma’s meatloaf recipe, and it’s just as hearty. Toss in the famed Irish wit, a few rolling Rs, and the courage that only comes from the bottom of a whiskey bottle, and you get jokes that are as inappropriate as they are irresistible. It’s like combining the gift of gab with the thrill of skinny-dipping, but way less illegal. So, if you’re up for a jape and you think you can take the heat, Dirty Irish Jokes are the spice you didn’t know your comedy life was missing.
Adult Irish Jokes
What do you call an Irish lesbian?
Good with the Gaelic.
How did the two Irish gay guys know they were meant for each other?
Their names are Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
Did you hear about the Irish baseball player who suffered severe burns?
He used a coffee cup.
This Irish guy and this Scottish guy were talking.
The Irish guy asks the Scottish guy how many sexual partners he had had.
The Scottish guy started counting them… and then fell asleep.
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk person.
What do you call a gay Irish dinosaur?
Tyrone-o-sore-ass.
Yo mama so Irish, she got leprechauns instead of crabs.
What do you name a child whose mother is Indian and Chinese, and whose father is Irish and Italian?
Ravi O’Lee.
An Irishman is walking down the beach.
He finds a bottle, rubs it and a genie comes out and says, “I’ll give you one wish whatever you want!” The Irishman says, “I wish I could drink the best Irish whiskey, I wish I could piss it.”
The genie says, “You got it.” The Irishman pulls out his dick and a glass, he pisses in the glass and drinks it, he says, “That’s the best Irish whiskey I’ve ever had.”
He goes home and tells his wife, “Get two glasses and come in the parlor.” She gets two glasses. “Watch this,” he says, he pulls his dick out and pisses in both glasses and says, “Take a sip of that.” “I am not f*cking drinking that,” she says. “Just take a sip!” She sips it and shakes, “My god that’s the best Irish whiskey I’ve ever had.”
The next night they grab two glasses, and the next, they’re drinking and drinking, until Friday. He says, “Grab a glass and meet me in the parlor!” She comes in all dejected, “How come only one glass.”
He says, “Tonight you drinking from the bottle!”
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What do you call an Irish electrician hanging from your ceiling?
Sean D. Lear.
Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows
and the accusing woman was escorted into the room.
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed, “That’s her! That’s her! Oi’d recognize her anywhere!”
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. “In fact”, he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”
“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery”, asked the couple.
“Because I am the artist, who painted the picture”, he replied, “In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.”
What do you call an Irish stoner?
A baked potato.
Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, “I haven’t been feelin’ meself lately!”
“‘Tis a good thing, too. That was a nasty habit you had!” responded McMaken.
A teacher says to the class of young kids, “Who can tell me the meaning of the word contagious?”
Little Jenny Smith in the front row puts her hand straight up and says in a prim English accent, “Miss, my Mum who’s a nurse said it’s when you can catch germs.”
Little Jimmy O’Brian at the back shouts out in a thick Irish accent. “No miss, my Dad saw the neighbor painting the house with a tiny brush and he said ‘It’s gonna take the contagious!’”
How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
30 – One to hold the light bulb and 29 to drink until the room spins.
“Help! Help!” cried the young woman as she staggered up the steps of the police station.
“An Irishman molested me!”
“How’d you know he was Irish?” inquired the sergeant at the desk.
“I had to help him,” she gasped.
What do you call an Irish pervert?
An Irishman who prefers sex to whisky.
An Irish grandfather and grandson are driving down the road.
As they cross a bridge, the grandfather looks at the grandson and says, “My dear boy, you see this bridge? I built this bridge with me own hands, you don’t hear the people call me Oshamish the bridge builder do you?” “No Grandpa,” said the boy. “See that church there my dear boy? I built that also with me own hands. You don’t hear them call me Oshamis the church builder do you?” “No Grandpa,” said the boy. “No no you don’t….but let me tell you something…you f*ck one goat…”
What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
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There were three older couples sitting at a table: An English couple, a Scottish couple and an Irish couple.
They had finished eating their meals and were settling with a nice cup of tea. The English gentleman turns to his wife and says, “Can you please pass the sugar, sugar.” The Scotsman turns to his wife and says, “Could you please pass the honey, honey?”
Not wanting to be upstaged by the other two gentlemen, the Irishman turns to his wife and says, Pass the milk you f*cking cow!
An Irish guy is sitting at a bar and a gay man walks in and whispers in his ear “want a blow job?”
The Irish guy picks the gay man up and throws him out of the bar, the bartender asks “what was that all about?”
The Irish guy says “I dunno, something about a job.”
If you say “f*ck off” backward.
You still say f*ck off but with an Irish accent.
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.
One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.
“There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now,” says the dad as he shoots himself.
The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.
“I can’t live without my husband,” she says as she shoots herself with her husband’s gun.
The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead.
“I can’t live any longer without my family,” she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.
The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.
“Is there anyway to bring them back,” he yells at the sky.
Poof! A female leprechaun appears.
“I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow,” she says, “if you can f*ck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you.”
The boy f*cks her 3 times in a row and he dies.
The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother.
“I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow,” she says, “if you can f*ck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you.”
The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.
The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.
“I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow,” she says, “if you can f*ck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you.”
The son says, “What if I f*ck you 10 times in a row?”
The leprechaun thinks. She says, “I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold.
The son says, “What if I f*ck you 20 times in a row?”
She thinks again and says, “I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion.”
The son thinks and says, “What if I f*ck you 30 times in a row?”
She thinks and says, “I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland.”
The son says, “Wait, how do I know you will survive it?”
“What do you mean?” says the leprechaun.
“The cow didn’t.”
Yo mama so Irish when she breastfed you, she lactated Guiness!
An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight.
The stewardess comes up and asks the Irish man if he’d like a drink. He orders a whiskey and the stewardess hands it to him.
The stewardess then asks the Muslim if he’d like a drink. “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores!” he shouts back.
The Irishman calmly hands his whiskey back to the stewardess and says, “I’ll have what he’s having.”
A professional golfer driving his Porsche picked up an Irish girl hitchhiker.
He had his golfing gear on the back seat. The Irish girl picked up something and asked, “What are these?”
“Those are tees,” he said. “I rest my balls on them when I drive.”
“Wow!” said the girl. “What will those car makers think of next!”
At a U2 concert in Belfast, Bono asked the audience for total silence.
Then in the silence, he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds.
Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
From the front of the crowd, a broad Irish accent pierced the silence, “Well, fooking stop doin it, yer evil bastard!”
In the 1980s, a group of American scientists conducted a study on why the head of a penis is thicker than the shaft.
After 2 years and $25,000, they concluded that it was to give the man a more pleasurable sexual experience.
In the 2000s, a group of French scientists decided to revisit the study and after 3 years and $50,000, they concluded that is was to give the woman a more pleasurable sexual experience.
In the 2020s. a group of drunk Irish friends were debating the same study. After one hour and $2.53 in beer, they concluded that it was to prevent a man from hitting his forehead with his hand.
Did you hear about the Irishman who bought a copy of ‘Guinness World Records’?
He thought it was an L.P of Irish drinking songs
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the Irish wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.”
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”
The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”
The trainer exclaimed, “Oh, so that’s what finished him off?!!”
“Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.”
Why did the dirty Irishman cross the road?
To get away from the car bomb he just activated.
Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
“Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Dad… I became a prostitute.”
“Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”
“OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club … (takes a breath) … and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.”
“What was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.
Girl, crying again, “A prostitute, Daddy!”
“Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!”
In Ireland, they’ve decided to switch from driving on the left-hand side of the road to the right-hand side.
To make it easier to adjust, for the first month just the buses and trucks will change.
A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn’t in the dictionary yet.
The first caller get’s through,
“Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?”
“Goan!”
“Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Yeah, go’an f*ck yerself!” The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
“And what’s your word sir?”
“Smee!”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Aye! S’mee again! Go’an f*ck yerself!”
An Irishman, an Englishman, and two Scottsmen are on a hot air balloon with some others.
The pilot says, “We’re going down, we need to lose some weight.”So the two Scottsmen say, “We do this for the glory of Scottland” and they jump. The pilot says, “We need to lose the weight of one more person!” So the Irishman says, “I do this for the glory of Ireland” and he throws the Englishman over board!
Paddy was sitting in his local pub when a fine-looking Italian woman walked in.
He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.
They had a passionate affair all that summer. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
He said that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey!,” she said, “you received a very strange postcard today.” “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
One with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
What’s the difference between a Possum and an Opossum?
The Opossum is Irish.
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
“Hey, show us yer tee*s, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?
How many potatoes does it take to kill the majority of Ireland?
0.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, “What’s wrong?”
The boy says, “Me ma is dead.”
“Oh bejaysus,” the man replies. “Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?”
The boy says, “No tanks mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.”
A young Irish gay man decides its time to come out to his mother.
“I’ve got some news to tell you mammy. I’m gay.”
“Really, son. Well that’s a bit of a shock, but whatever makes you happy makes me happy. But can I ask you two questions?”
“Er, okay.”
“Do you like that there c*cksucking. Getting a big hairy c*ck in your mouth and sucking it like a lollipop?”
“Yeah, sometimes.”
“And do you like that there rimming. Getting your tongue up into some other man’s hairy arsehole and having a good rummage around?”
“Well, not every night, but I’ve done it a few times.”
“Ah, well, fair enough son. Just don’t ever complain about the taste of my cooking again.”
What do you call a black midget in Ireland?
A lepre-coon.
What’s the difference between Martin Luther King day and St. Patrick’s day?
On St. Patrick’s day, everybody wants to be Irish….
Do you have a dirty Irish Joke? Write down your own adult puns in the comment section below!
This one happens to be true, although I can’t remember the name of the performer concerned:
One day a ventriloquist is doing his act in front of an audience in Dublin, telling the most offensive Irish jokes, such as “What do call an Irishman with half a brain?” to which the ventriloquist’s dummy replies “Gifted”.
After the performance is over, the man was approached by a furious Dubliner:
“How dare ye tell such awful tings about us Oirish! We’re not all eejets, yer know!”
“Oh, come on,” replies the ventriloquist. “I’ve yet to meet an Irishman who didn’t have a sense of humour.”
“Oi’m not talking to ye!” screams the Dubliner, “Oi’m talking to the wee focker sittin’ on yer knee!”