Paddy and Murphy aren’t just names; they’re the dynamic duo of Irish humor. Think of them as Ireland’s answer to Batman and Robin but with less spandex and more shamrocks. Traditionally portrayed as two Irishmen, they’ve starred in countless jokes and stories, each tale painting them into hilariously stereotypical situations, usually involving a pub, a perplexing problem, or a pint… or perhaps all three.
Now, on to the comedic craic! Why has the Emerald Isle gifted us with such characters? The Irish have a grand tradition of storytelling, where wit and whimsy flow as freely as Guinness from a tap. Paddy and Murphy jokes capture the essence of this Irish charm, with a splash of playful stereotyping for good measure.
It’s all in good fun, with these characters often bumbling their way through situations in a manner that’d make even a leprechaun facepalm. The tales of Paddy and Murphy allow us to laugh at life’s absurdities and embrace the delightful daftness that exists in all of us. So, here’s to Paddy, Murphy, and the endless laughs they bring from the heart of Ireland to the world’s chuckling chorus!
Best Paddy and Murphy Jokes
Two Irish fellas, Paddy and Murphy are looking for a job.
They are walking down the road when they see a sign saying, “Tree fellers wanted – apply within!”
Paddy says, “Hey Murphy, if we find another person we can apply for that.”
Paddy and Murphy find a mirror.
Paddy picks it up, has a look, and says to Murphy, “That bloke looks really familiar.”
Murphy grabs it off him, “It’s me you idiot.”
Paddy says, “Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backward?”
‘Murphy says, “Simple, if they fell forward they would still be on the bloody boat!”
Ireland Declares War on France.
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
“Hallo!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well, Paddy,” the President of France replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”
The President paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begorra!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. President, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” The President asks.
“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s tractor.”
The French President sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”
“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!”
The French President was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya Mr. President. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”
“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says the French President. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners!”
Paddy and Murphy are driving down the road.
Paddy says to Murphy, “Hey Murphy can you check if my indicators are working.”
Murphy winds down the window and sticks his head out and replies, “YES NO YES NO YES NO.”
Paddy and Murphy are in a dark cave.
Paddy says, “It’s too dark. Do you have a match?”
Murphy hands Paddy a match, which Paddy strikes against the wall..but nothing happens. He strikes the match again but, again, nothing.
Paddy says to Murphy, “This match doesn’t work.”
“That’s strange,” says Murphy. “It worked earlier.”
Paddy watches Murphy filling in his census form. “What have you put down septagenarian for?” says Paddy.
“Coz oy was born in September,” replies Murphy.
“Suppose that makes me an Octagenarian,” says Murphy, “Oy’d better go and lie down.”
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An Irishman is walking home in Belfast, after a long day of alcohol filled festivities.
His walk proves to be longer than he anticipated and nature starts calling. He keeps walking, hoping he’ll make it home but he can’t hold it in anymore. He looks around but can’t see a place to conceal his inevitable colon loaf. He stops in the middle of the footpath, lowers his trousers, squats down and drops the most relieving of number 2’s he’s ever dropped. Standing back up and realising the sheer volume of his delivery that is now in the middle of the footpath, he takes off his top hat and places it over the top of his steaming shame. He briskly continues walking home.
Shortly after, Paddy and Murphy are walking along the footpath, full of whiskey and cheer. Paddy stops when he sees the top hat. “Murph, do ya see tha?” “Aye,” says Murphy. Wide-eyed and wonderstruck Paddy continues “It’s a Leprechaun’s hat. Ma told me, if you find one, they’ll be a Leprechaun hiding under it. If you’re quick enough, you can catch him and he has to grant ya wishes” Murphy is intrigued. Paddy continues “You lift up the hat and I’ll grab him!” Murphy and Paddy stumble over to the hat and execute the plan; Murphy lifts up the hat and stumbles backward falling over and Paddy immediately reaches over to grab it.
“Did ya get it, Paddy? Did ya get the Leprechaun?” Murphy slurs.
Paddy replies, “Nah, but I scared the shit out of him!”
Murphy asked Paddy, “What ringtone have you got?”
Paddy said, “I’ve never really looked, but probably light brown.”
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down, and shouts, “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts, “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”
So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.
“Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy.
Paddy goes to the Police Station.
He was looking to talk to the Burglar, who broke into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in Court tomorrow,” said the Desk Sergeant.
“But It’ll only take a minute Sarge. I just want to ask how he got into our house without waking my missus, as I’ve been trying to do it for years,” says Paddy.
Paddy and Murphy are reading headstones at a nearby cemetery.
Paddy says, “Crikey, there is a bloke here who was 152!”
Murphy says, “What’s his name?”
Paddy replies, “Miles, from London.”
Paddy and Murphy are chatting.
Paddy: My mate came off of his motorbike today.
Murphy: Oh really, Is he okay?
Paddy: He has brain damage, 2 broken arms & he is blind in one eye.
Murphy: Fucking hell, no wonder he came off!
Two Irishmen were walking down a street in London.
Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says, “Murphy, will you look at that shop over there? I thought that London was supposed to be expensive!”
Murphy says, “Paddy you’re right so you are. Suits £10, Shirts £4, Trousers £5, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin, so we would.”
Paddy says in agreement, “Murphy that is as good an idea as you’ll ever have, but I’m pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we’re going to export them and make our fortune, so he won’t.”
Murphy thinks and says, “Paddy, I’ve got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I’ll just stand behind you and say nothing. He’ll never guess we’re Irish. No, he won’t.”
“OK,” agrees Paddy, “I’ll do the talking, you just stand there and look English.”
Paddy driving down the Motorway towing a Trailer, and he gets stopped by the Garda Traffic Police.
The Cop asks Paddy, “OK, what’s in the trailer Paddy?”
Paddy replies, “Race Horses, cos we be going to the Leopardstown Races.”
“But the Trailer’s Empty..?!?!?” says the Cop.
“I Know,” replies Paddy. “Dat’s cos, I’m taking the Non Runners first.”
Paddy is sitting having a quiet drink in the bar when Murphy walks in cradling a lizard. Paddy exclaims, “Bejeezus Morph! What the hell have you got there!? Looks like some mad kind of swivel eyed dinosaur type of thing?!”
Murphy carefully sets his new pet down on the table and replies, “He’s a chameleon.”
Paddy lowers his head to the table until he’s almost nose to nose with the animal and says, “Go on then, tell me a joke!”
So the two go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best English accent, “Alwight mate, I’ll ‘ave 20 of yer suits, 20 shirts, and 20 pairs of trousers please.”
Upon hearing this request, the owner smiles and says, “You boys are Irish aren’t you?”
Quite bemused, Paddy replies, “Oh be Jesus. Mary Mother of Christ, if that ain’t me best English accent? How in God’s name did you know that we were Irish?”
The owner replied, “Because this is a Dry Cleaners.”
Paddy has just correctly answered the £500,000 question on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.
He has only one question standing between him and the £1m jackpot.
“Which of these birds does not live in a nest?
A) Thrush, B) Kestrel, C) Blue Tit, D) Cuckoo”
Paddy has one lifeline left, phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub. Murphy agrees, and immediately shouts “It’s a cuckoo!” Paddy goes with that answer and wins the jackpot.
That evening, Paddy was round at Murphy’s bar celebrating. He turns to Murphy and says “Murphy, how did you know that cuckoos don’t live in a nest?”
Murphy answers, “That’s the easiest question you could have had! Everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!”
Paddy and Murphy spend a day on the drink and get absolutely legless and miss the last bus home.
Walking home they pass the Bus Depot, “Wait here Paddy”, says Murphy.
“I’ll Rob us a Bus!”
So for the next two hours all Paddy hears is Buses starting up, stopping, moving, reversing, etc.
Eventually, Murphy arrives outside on a bus.
Paddy says to him, “What the feck took you so long Murphy?”
“Jaysus Paddy,” he replies.
“The only bus that goes anywhere near our houses was the number 11 and they parked that fecker at the back of the Depot.”
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Paddy and Murphy were sitting down doing a crossword.
Murphy asks, “How do you spell Paint?”
Paddy replies, “What colour..?”
Paddy and Murphy are walking down the road when Paddy falls down a man hole with the cover missing.
Murphy yells, “Jesus Paddy, have you broken anything.”
Paddy shouts back, “No, there’s nothing down here to break.”
Paddy and Murphy went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Murphy and said, “Murphy, how we gonna tell who owns which pig?”
Murphy says, “Well Paddy, I’ll cut one a ta’ ears off my pig, and ten we can tell ’em apart.”
“Ah, tat’d be grand,” says Paddy.
This worked fine for a couple of weeks until Paddy stormed into the house.
“Murphy,” he said, “Your pig has chewed the ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?”
“Well Paddy,” said Murphy, “I’ll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we’ll av two pigs and only one of them will av one ear.”
“Ah, tat’d be grand,” says Paddy.
Again this worked OK until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house.
“Murphy,” he said, “Your pig has chewed the other ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with no ears! How we gonna tell who owns which pig?”
“Ah, tis is serious,” said Murphy, “I’ll tell ya what I’ll do. I’ll cut ta tail off my pig, ten we’ll av two pigs with no ears and only one with a tail.”
“Ah, tat’d be grand,” says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.
“Murphy!” shouted Paddy, “Your pig has chewed the tail off my pig and now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails! How are we ever gonna tell ’em apart?”
“Ah, fook it!” says Murphy, “How about you have the black one, and I’ll have the white one?”
Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have £1 between them.
Paddy says, “I’ve an idear,” and goes off and buys a sausage. Murphy says, “Are ye mad? Now we’re skint!” “Come on,” says Paddy, “follow me” They go into a pub, order two pints, and drink them.
Before they pay Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it. The barman goes berserk and throws them out. 10 pubs and 10 pints later Murphy says, “I can’t do this anymore, my knees are too sore and I’m pissed!”
“How do you think I feel?” says Paddy “I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in!”
Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire.
Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.
A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy on the girl’s bike.
“What the feck happened?” asks Murphy.
“Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground, and says, ‘Take what you want big boy!’, so I took the bike.”
“Good on ye,” says Murphy, “I’m sure the fuckin knickers wouldn’t fit ya anyway.”
Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m getting circumcised tomorrow.”
Murphy says “I had that done once when I was a few days old!”
Paddy asks, “Does it hurt?”
Mick says, “Well I couldn’t walk for about a year.”
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Paddy is leaving his wife.
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
“What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.
“What happened? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home … and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation – She never got your email!”
Paddy is about to get married and asks his best friend Murphy how can he tell if is wife to be is a virgin.
“Tis easy Paddy, all you need is a small tin of red paint, a small to of blue paint, and a shovel,” says Murphy. “How the feck does that work Murphy”? asks Paddy.
“Well,” says Murphy. “You paint one ball red and the other ball blue, and when you climb into bed naked and she says, ‘Paddy, they’re the strangest balls I’ve ever seen,’ you smack her with the shovel.”
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, “Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs an get me slippers?”
“No bother,” he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy’s two stunning 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
“Hello, dere girls, your Da’ sent me up here to shag ya both.”
“Fook off you liar!”.
“I’ll prove it,” Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, “Both of them, Paddy?”
“Of course, what’s the use of fookin’ one?”
Do you have a funny Paddy and Murphy joke? Write down your own Irish puns in the comment section below!