Little Johnny is the mischievous kid we all secretly root for, known for his quick wit and hilarious comebacks. While his jokes often start with innocent setups, they quickly take a turn that catches adults off guard and leaves them laughing uncontrollably. Dirty Little Johnny Jokes are the cheeky twist on his already legendary humor, crafted to tickle the funny bone of an 18+ audience. These jokes walk the line between naughty and clever, making them a favorite for parties or just a good laugh with friends.
What makes Dirty Little Johnny Jokes so irresistible is their unexpected punchline. They’re not just jokes, they’re tiny adventures into Johnny’s wild and slightly inappropriate world. With his knack for turning everyday moments into laugh riots, these jokes deliver the kind of humor that’s hard to forget. Whether it’s his clever wordplay or his knack for catching everyone off guard, Dirty Little Johnny Jokes never fails to bring the laughs.
Adult Little Johnny Jokes Jokes
Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s father and mother took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.
Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a goddamn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my goddamn bed. I want a goddamn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the goddamn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a goddamn new bike and I want it put under a goddamn tarp in the goddamn shed.”
Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.”
His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.”
Santa thought about it and said, “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asks for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan.
On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath.
Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door.
Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop.
Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?”
Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherf*cker!”
At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine-inch penis.
And three years later, that priest went to prison.
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?
His father replied, Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
A teacher asks her class for some examples of medicines they know.
Little Harry promptly raises his hands and says, “Tylenol! For headaches!”
The teacher says, “Very good, Harry, anyone else?”
Little Jenny answers from the back, “Um, Ambien, my Mom tells me it helps her sleep…?”
The teacher smiles at her and says, “Good job, Jenny,” then turns to her class and goes on, “Listen here children, always be careful with medicines at home, okay? Now, does anyone else have another example?”
Little Johnny raises his hands slowly and says, “Viagra? For diarrhea?”
The teacher freezes for a second before the rest of his statement hits her and she stammers out, “F-for diarrhea?”
Little Johnny explains, “Yeah, my Mom keeps telling my dad to take it, it’ll harden his shit up.”
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: “When you die and go to Heaven… which part of your body goes first?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.” “Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your feet.” The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?”
Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into mommy and daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying ‘Oh God, I’m coming.’ I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her!”
Little Johnny missed school one day.
The next day teacher asked where he was, and he replied: “I had to take the cow to be inseminated by a bull.” The teacher asked, “Couldn’t your daddy have done that?” To which Johnny replies, “Maybe, but the bull does it better.”
Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad.
Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull’s cock flopping around beneath his belly.
“Mommy, mommy! What’s that long thing beneath the bull’s belly!?” Johnny asks, pointing.
Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, “Oh, don’t worry about that, Johnny. That’s nothing.”
Dad comes back and Mom goes off to use the washroom.
Once Mommy is gone, Little Johnny asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing beneath the bull’s belly?”
“That’s the bull’s cock, son,” his dad answers. “He uses it to mount and fuck a cow.”
“But mommy said it was nothing!” Johnny replied.
Dad leans back with his hand behind his head and takes a sip of his beer. “Son… I’ve spoiled that woman…”
Recommended: Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.
The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says, “My family is mostly happy but what we really need is a bit more money. My dad leaves for work before I am even awake and he works hard until late at night to put food on the table. Money is needed in my family, more time with my dad is needed.”
The teacher is moved, she thanks the student and moves on to the next, a little boy stands up and says, “All we are missing in my family is my older brother. He went off to fight in the war a year ago and nobody has heard from him since. My mom always waits for him by the window. My brother is desperately needed back in our family.”
The teacher is now tearing up, she thanks the little boy and moves on to the next student, eventually making their way around the classroom with one heartfelt response after another.
Finally, they come to the last student, Little Johnny. The teacher has come to expect antics from him but gives him a chance. “Little Johnny, what about you… what is something needed by your family?” Little Johnny stands up briefly and says, “Nothing, we have everything!” And sits back down. The teacher, slightly upset, asks, “Now how is that possible? Each of your classmates has shared something, how can you be so sure that your family doesn’t need a thing?”
Little Johnny stands back up and says, “Well I was watching TV with my parents late last night when my sister came home crying. She said, ‘DAD! Please don’t be mad at me but I am pregnant!’ My dad disappointingly slapped his knee and said ‘Damn it! That’s all we needed!’”
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother, and says, “Mom, I know everything.” Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
“Just don’t tell Dad,” she says.
Hey, it’s working thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: “Dad, I know everything.”
Dad gives Johnny $100. “Don’t tell Mom” he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. “I know everything, Mister.”
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says, “Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug.”
Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.
One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.
Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.
“Look,” said Mr. Dickson, quite enjoying himself while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little ‘zero’. “This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole.”
“Ahh, right,” said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, “Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in one hole.”
“Hmmmm,” Mr Dickinson said, “How do you put 7 holes in one? Well, I’ll be darned. I don’t know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?”
“Yes,” said Little Johnny, He asked me to tell you, “Take a flute and shove it up your ass”!
At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence.
Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”
“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else wants to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”
“Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?”
“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.’”
Little Johnny came to class all beat up.
Teacher: What’s wrong?
Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I’m sleeping, I say “No” then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.
Teacher: Tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don’t answer.
The following morning Johnny’s teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.
Teacher: My goodness! Why the swelling?
Johnny: Dad asked me again if I was sleeping. I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad & mom started moving, mom was breathing heavily, kicking her legs up, and making noises.
Then my dad asked my mom, “Are you coming?”
Mom said, “Yes, I’m coming, are you coming too?”
Dad answered, “Yes”
They don’t usually go anywhere without me so I said, “Wait for me, I’m coming too.”
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said: “Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying: “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
Johnny said: “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
A teacher tells her students to tell a story with a moral in it.
Little Johnny says, “All right. I got one. There’s a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says ‘Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!’ The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen.”
“Oh my,” the teacher gasps with a horrified look on her face.
“So the chicken takes the BMW, backs it up near the quicksand, throws a rope to the horse, ties it up to the bumper, and pulls the horse out. The horse is so very thankful.”
“What happened next?” the teacher asks, feeling relieved.
“A couple days later… the chicken falls into the same quicksand and says, ‘Hurry up! Hurry up! Go get the farmer!’ So the horse thinks to himself, ‘Well… I could probably stand over this quicksand.’ So, he stands over it and says to the chicken, ‘Grab hold of my penis!’ So the chicken grabs hold of the horse’s penis and gets pulled out.”
The teacher is suddenly weirded out by the direction the story is going and asks, “Umm… Johnny? That’s nice and all, but what’s the moral of the story?”
Without hesitation, Johnny responds with, “The moral of the story is: if you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.”
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
A second-grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class.
She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalkboard and asks the class, “Does anyone know what this is?”
And little Johnny says, “Yes, my dad has 2 of them!”
And the teacher says, “Are you sure about that?”
And little Johnny says, “Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter’s teeth.”
Little Johnny’s parents wanted to have some “alone time” together.
So they sent Johnny out onto the porch with an ice cream sandwich. Not wanting the boy to finish too quickly, his mother came up with an idea to keep him distracted.
“While you’re eating that,” she said, “watch the neighborhood and tell us everything interesting that you see.”
A few minutes into their lovemaking, Johnny’s parents heard him yell his first report: “The Hendersons got a new car!”
“That’s great!” answered his mother. “Keep looking!”
More time passed, and Johnny shouted again: “The Smiths are planting flowers!”
“Good job!” responded his father. “Keep looking!”
Another minute went by, and Johnny called out for a third time: “Mister and Missus Johnson are having sex!”
Johnny’s parents abruptly stopped in their own activity. After a moment of silence, his mother replied, “How do you know that they’re having sex, Johnny?”
“Because Billy Johnson is eating an ice cream sandwich on their porch!”
A teacher asks her students a simple math question.
“There are 3 birds on a wire, one gets shot, how many are left?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, “There are none left, once the one bird was shot the other two flew away ”
The teacher tells Johnny he is wrong, but she likes the way he thinks.
Johnny then inquired, “May I ask you a question now teach?”
She loves his inquiring mind and tells him to go right ahead
Johnny continues, “3 women are coming out of an ice cream shop, each with a cone… one is licking it, one is biting it, and one is sucking it…. Which one is married?”
The teacher thinks for a second and replies, “Well…I guess I would say the one who is sucking it!”
Johnny replies, “No, it’s the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!”
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Little Johnny stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Johnny,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
Little Johnny has a report due for government class.
He asks his dad to explain the government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:
I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.
So that night, little Johnny is trying to figure out what his dad meant and got up to get a drink. On his way to the kitchen, he watched his sister sneak out of the house with her boyfriend. He grabbed his drink, and on the way back to his room, he saw his dad sneak down to the maid’s room.
The next morning he tells his dad, so I think I have it figured out. His dad asks, so how do you think it works?
Little Johnny says, “The unemployed are out fucking around while Congress is screwing the working class, the judicial system is asleep, and the people too young to vote are watching it all happen…”
Little Johnny fell asleep in Sunday school.Little Johnny’s mother was upset about her son’s swearing habit, so she takes him to the church.
There, the priest is waiting. After finishing her own confessions, Little Johnny’s mother talks about her situation.
“I don’t know what to do with my son anymore, Father,” she says. “He started a while ago to say swear words, and now he is saying one in every sentence.”
“Why, I have just the perfect solution,” the priest smiles. “How is he financially? I mean, does your son have a piggy bank or something?”
“He keeps his savings, once in a while he gets one coin or two,” the mother replies.
“Very well!” The priest exclaimed. “Make him donate ten cents for the church for each time you catch him or know from someone that he said a swear word. Come back at the end of the month with him to give to the poor box everything he owes. Maybe financial pressure will control him.”
“Great, Father!” The mother grinned. “I’ll start today.”
At the end of the month, the mother comes back to the church. She seems unamused. The priest noticed her bad mood and asked:
“So, tell me, how it went?”
“Yeah, Father, he is quite a chatterbox, he owes $9,90,” the mother revealed, then turning to her son. “Little Johnny, come here! Give the money to the priest.”
Little Johnny comes, quite ashamed, and hands the priest a $10 bill.
“Ten dollars?” The priest said. “I’m afraid I don’t have ten cents to do change.”
“Oh, Father, don’t worry,” Little Johnny smiled. “Just go fuck yourself and we’re even.”
The teacher asked, “Johnny, who is our Lord and Savior?” The boy behind him poked him in the back with a pin. Johnny shot upright and shouted, “Jesus Christ!”
“Correct,” said the teacher. Johnny then fell back asleep. The teacher called on him again, “Johnny, who was Jesus’s mother?” Again, the boy behind Johnny poked him. Johnny woke up again and exclaimed, “Mary Mother of God!”
“Correct,” said the teacher once more. Johnny fell back asleep. The teacher called on him one last time, “Johnny, can you tell me what Eve said to Adam after she gave birth to their 23rd child?” The boy behind him poked him once more.
Johnny shot up and shouted, “YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONCE MORE AND I’LL SNAP IT IN HALF!”
The teacher in her first-grade class asks her students to come to the chalkboard and draw something that causes a lot of excitement and commotion.
So little Johnny comes up and simply puts a dot on the chalkboard. The teacher asks, “What is that?” Little Johnny replies, “It’s a period.”
The teacher says, “Why does it cause excitement and commotion?”
Little Johnny says, “It doesn’t, but my sister said she missed one this morning and my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the guy next door shot himself!”
Little Johnny goes to confession.
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Johnny Pagano?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
“Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “Well what’d you get?”
Johnny says, “Four months vacation and five good leads…”
One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one’s mouth.
Little Johnny says, “It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one’s mouth.”
The teacher says, “That is correct, but why?”
Little Johnny answers, “I don’t know, but my mom always tells my dad, ‘Turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!’”
Little Johnny was walking down the street with his dad.
And he says, “Hey, Dad! I’ll bet you $5 there’s some dogs humping just around this corner!”
Dad considers how likely it would be, and says, “You’re on, kid!”
Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up.
So Dad calls Johnny’s teacher. “Hey, my kid has this nasty gambling habit, but I can’t break him of it because he never loses! Can you help?”
The teacher replie,s “I’ll do what I can!”
The next day, Johnny enters the classroom. “Hey, teacher! I’ll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on!” The teacher demurely declines. All week, Johnny is pestering her about betting on the color of her panties.
On Friday, Johnny repeats the bet. “Hey, teacher! I’ll bet you $5 I can guess what color panties you have on!”
She says “You’re on!” and lifts her dress to reveal she isn’t wearing any panties at all!
Johnny pays the money, with much grumbling.
The teacher ecstatically calls his father. “Great news! I made little Johnny lose a bet!”
The father is astounded. “How’d you do that?” he asks.
“Well, Johnny’s been bothering me all week about the color of my panties, and today I didn’t wear any, so he lost the bet!”
A long string of curses comes over the phone.
The teacher asks “What’s wrong? Didn’t I do it right?”
Dad answers, “Just this morning he bet me $50 he’d see your pussy before the day was out!”
For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!”
Fred and Mary got married but couldn’t afford a honeymoon, so they went back to Fred’s parents’ home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, got up and had his breakfast. As he was heading out the door to go to school, he asked his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replied, “No.”
Johnny asked, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replied, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny came home for lunch and asked his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replied, “No.”
Johnny said, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replied, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.”
After school, Johnny came home and asked again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom said, “No.”
He asked, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replied, “Okay, tell me what you think.”
Johnny said, “Last night, Fred came to my room for the Vaseline, and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”
Little Johnny is playing with his electric train set in the living room.
And his mom is in the kitchen when she hears him say, “The train has arrived at the station. All you mother-fuckers getting off, get off and all you mother-fuckers getting on, get on.”
She immediately scolds him for the language and puts him in time-out for 30 minutes. He comes back afterward and resumes playing with the train. She smiles when she hears him say, “The train has arrived at the station. Those getting off the train, please do so. Those getting on the train, please do so.”
Then he says, “If you would like to make a complaint about the train being late, then go talk to the bitch in the kitchen.”
Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?”
“But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!”
“Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.”
Sure enough, the very next Sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!”
“But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says: “I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and unsure of what to do with little Johnny’s horrible response, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
“And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s whore!”
Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parent’s bedroom.
He opens the door to his parent’s room and sees Mom, handcuffed to the bed’s headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to look at him, laughs, and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming.
Once Dad has finished Mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, ‘You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life”. Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny’s room only to find it’s empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams.
Johnny turns around looks at him and says “Yeah, not so funny when it’s your mom huh?”
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?” Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter will be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”
His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”
“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”
Little Johnny accidentally entered his parents’ bedroom while they were making love.
They both screamed after noticing Johnny, then his dad yelled, “GET OUT OF HERE!”
Johnny said, “Daddy, I just came to remind you that you promised to buy me a new watch tomorrow. Please don’t forget.” Furious, his dad grabbed his own $10,000 Rolex off the dresser and threw it to Johnny. “Here, take this, now get the fuck out!”
The next day at school, Little Johnny showed off his new timepiece to his friends and told them the story from the night before. One of his friends, David, was very jealous of Johnny’s new Rolex, so he decided to try this incredible idea on his own parents.
That night, David slowly snuck into his parents’ bedroom and saw that they were in the middle of making love. His father noticed David and yelled, “What the hell do you want?!”
David said excitedly, “Daddy, I want a watch!”
His dad angrily replied, “Fine, if you wanna watch then stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet!”
Three kids are discussing who has the taller dad.
Tim: My dad is so tall that he can reach the top of a tree!
Bob: Well, my dad is so tall that he can reach the clouds!
Little Johnny: When your father reaches the clouds, does it feel soft?
Bob: I think so…
Little Johnny: Yeah, that’s my father’s balls.
Little Johnny sees his dad’s car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees his dad and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself; after watching for some time he runs home and tells his mother excitedly:
“Mommy! Mommy! I was at the playground and I saw Daddy kissing Aunt Jane and–“
“Slow down honey,” his mom interrupts, “I want to hear the whole story.”
“Ok. I was at the playground, and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and I saw Daddy giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy–“
At this point, his mom cuts him off and says, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, but you should save the rest for dinner because I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell him tonight.”
Later that night, Johnny and his parents are sitting at the dinner table, and Johnny’s mom asks him to tell the story. He describes the car going into the woods, undressing, and laying down on the seat. He continues, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”
The teacher stands at the front of the class.
“So, what have we learned today about surnames? Can you figure out what your ancestors did all day? … Yes, Tommy Smith?”
“My family used to make shoes for horses!”
“That’s right! And yes, you, Janey Archer? What did your ancestors do?”
“They shot bows and arrows?”
“That’s correct Janey!”
Little Johnny puts up his hand nervously. He looks worried.
“Yes,” says the teacher, “Do you have a question, Johnny Dickinson?”
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom
and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaned, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”
Little Johnny’s parents have a plumber over to fix some issues in the bathroom. As kids do, Johnny roams around the plumber, commenting and asking questions.
At the same point, the plumber takes out a screwdriver, and Little Johnny gets excited. “Hey, my dad has two of these. A small one that he fixes my glasses with, and a big one that he uses to fix stuff around the house.”
The plumber takes out a wrench, and Little Johnny gets even more excited. “Hey, dad has two of these too! A small one that he uses to fix my tricycle and a big one that he uses to fix stuff on his car.”
By now, the plumber is annoyed, and he has to pee. As he reaches for his zipper and he’s getting ready to shut the bathroom door, he sees Little Johnny staring.
“Don’t tell me your dad has two of these, as well”
“Of course he does,” says Little Johnny. “A small one that he uses to pee, and a big one that he uses to brush mom’s teeth!”
Do you have a dirty Little Johnny joke? Write down your funniest adult stories in the comment section below!
