Peanuts may look small and innocent, but for adults they have a bigger story, they show up in bars, parties, and even late-night snacks when the real fun begins. Between their crunchy bite and salty kick, they’ve earned a wild reputation that makes them perfect for adding a cheeky twist, and that’s where Peanut Jokes come into play.
When peanuts get mixed with humor, things can take a slightly naughty turn that makes the laughter even louder. Our Peanut Jokes add spice to ordinary moments, turning a simple nut into a mischievous partner in comedy that’s made for grown-ups only.
Adult Peanut Jokes
Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley…
…one was assaulted.
What do you call a lock box to keep your peanuts safe at the office?
A nut safe.
What do you call the testicles of a peacock?
His peanuts.
My wife told me to put 3 inches of peanut oil in a pan. After I put an inch and a half in, she said, “That’s enough.”
I told her she should know what 3 inches looks like by now.
How are peanut butter and jelly related?
They’re inbred.
What do you call simultaneous urination and ej@culation?
A peanut.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“It’s cute, but can it pick up peanuts?”
Why did the FedEx man seek marital counseling?
His styrofoam peanuts always broke during foreplay.
What’s the difference between peanut allergies and women’s rights?
Peanut allergies are no joke.
What makes raising a child more rewarding than raising a dog?
You don’t need peanut butter to trick a kid.
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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “he eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The monkey found a cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.
The bartender asked, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”
“No, what?” asked the man.
“Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.
“He’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
I saw a guy with his d*ck in a jar of peanut butter.
… he was f*cking nuts.
Two peanuts walked into a bar.
And this is why Monsanto needs to be STOPPED.
Why did Mr. Peanut divorce his wife?
Because she was f*cking nuts.
What do you get when you cross a hooker with an elephant?
A fat wh*re who f*cks for peanuts
One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question – and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out, but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying, they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, ‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
I fed this kid peanut and he almost died.
I guess some people take No Nut November way too seriously.
What do peanut butter and pr*stitutes have in common?
They both spread for bread.
The only difference between hungry and being h*rny is…
…where you put the peanut butter.
Do you know what the hardest job in the world is?
Being a straight guy with lisp trying to sell peanuts.
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Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, “Mommy, mommy, you won’t believe it! Little Johnny pulled out his pee-pee in class today! It was like a peanut.”
The mom replies, “Oh, it was small?”
Little Sally says, “No, it was salty.”
What did people call kids with peanut allergies when we were young?
Dead.
What is the easiest way to cure a peanut allergy?
Cancer.
Why did the man with the peanut allergy die in prison?
He was sentenced to the nuthouse.
Do you have a dirty Peanut joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
