Pharmacy is where grown-ups trade candy for capsules and gossip for generic drugs. It’s a daily comedy show featuring confused customers, strange side effects, and pharmacists who’ve mastered the art of keeping a straight face while chaos unfolds at the counter. It’s where you learn that medicine can fix a lot of things, but not the way people behave when they’re out of refills.
Somewhere in all that madness, those Dirty Pharmacy Jokes slip in, the kind that make tired pharmacists chuckle behind the counter and remind everyone that humor’s just another form of therapy. A little laugh between the prescriptions never hurt anyone, as long as you don’t snort-laugh into the pill tray.
Adult Pharmacy Jokes
Police caught a man stealing all the Viagra at a pharmacy.
He’s a hardened criminal.
A man sees his doctor and says, “Doc, I need a prescription. I have this condition where I can’t stop winking.”
The doctor says, “Sure, your condition can be treated with just an aspirin every day. But you can get aspirin over the counter at the pharmacy.”
The patient says, “Yes, I saw that I could treat this with aspirin.”
Confused, the doctor asks, “Well, why haven’t you tried it?”
The man opens his bag to reveal boxes and boxes of condoms.
He says, “You ever try asking a pharmacist for aspirin while winking at them?”
If you bought Rohypnol from a pharmacy….
Would it have a Best Before Date printed on it?!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called Condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool,” says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
“Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
A guy walked into a pharmacy and said, “Can I buy Viagra here?”
And the pharmacist said, “Yes, you can.” The guy said, “Can I get it over the counter?” and the pharmacist said, “I don’t know. Maybe if you take four or five of them.”
Why don’t Viagra and Cialis invite Celebrex to parties?
Because it’s a COX blocker.
A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady said, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big, and he exclaimed, “Lord, have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Oh, well, now that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Recommended: Pharmacy Jokes
What do you call a family with herpes?
Famciclovir.
A woman goes to the pharmacy and asks if they sell extra-large condoms. “Yes, madam,” the assistant answers, “would you like to buy some?”
“No, thank you but if it is ok I’ll wait here until someone does.”
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter. The sales girl says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?” He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own… so does she.”
What’s the difference between a sex worker and an orthopedic surgeon?
A sex worker knows about more than one antibiotic.
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.
The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.
The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don’t stock or sell such an item, smiles at the blonde and says, “One moment please, I will get the Pharmacist.” The pharmacist looks at the blonde and says, “Can I help you miss?” “I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please,” says the blonde. “I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.” “But I always get it here,” says the blonde. “Do you have the container it comes in?” “Yes!” Said the blonde, “I will go and get it.” She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to the woman, “This is just a normal stick of under-arm deodorant”.
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”
A man went into a pharmacy to rob them of all their Viagra.
He yelled, “This is a stick-up!”
A young guy goes into a drug store owned by two spinster sisters.
He awkwardly says to the one lady at the pharmacy counter, “Um, this is embarrassing but I have this condition where about once a day I become incredibly aroused and overcome by the desire to have sex with any woman at all. It’s overwhelming! What can you give me for it?”
“Hmm,” replied the lady, “This is a tough one. I’ll have to confer with my sister.” After talking to her sister she came back and said, “Well, the best we can do is a furnished apartment, $500 a week and half ownership of the pharmacy.”
A Rich man sent a medicine shipment to Somalia.
Once it reached the Airport inspection, Customs rejected it and sent it back; the instructions on the medicines said: “After meal.”
A 17-year-old dude goes to the pharmacy.
“Hello, mister, I’ll be at my new girlfriend’s house for dinner today… You know.. become acquainted with her parents and so on. After the dinner though, I’m probably gonna have some sexy time with my girlfriend. You know the deal. Could you suggest something to me?
“Well.. I’d suggest some… condoms?
“Well.. uhm.. sounds cool.. I.. will take some.”
As he is about to leave the pharmacy, he stops and returns.
“Wait a second. You know… her mum… she’s hot af… and maybe I could assort some.. you know.. sexy time with her as well. You know what.. ima take some more condoms.”
Later at the dinner, the young man is completely silent and is just looking at the table.
His girlfriend says, “If I’d known you’re gonna be all silent and stuff, I wouldn’t have invited you to this dinner!?”
The young man then answers, “If I’d known your dad was a pharmacist, I wouldn’t even be here.”
I think I have a medicine fetish.
I get a boner when I take Viagra.
A man goes to the doctor with terrible hemorrhoids.
The doctor prescribes him suppositories to take every day, then says to come back in a week. The man isn’t entirely sure what a suppository is, but at the pharmacy sees they’re pills so he does as instructed, swallowing one every day. After a week, he comes back to the doctor with his hemorrhoids worse than ever.
He says to the doctor, “Those suppositories you prescribed me were so useless I might as well have just stuck them up my ass!”
Scientists have developed a medicine to suppress gay thoughts…
It’s called “Trynoassitol”
Three pregnant women are sitting on a bench.
And each of them is knitting a sweater for their unborn child. The first mother digs into her purse pops a pill, and says, “That was some Vitamin A, and my child will grow up to be big and strong!” The second woman also reaches into her purse – swallows a pill and exclaims, “That was Vitamin C, and my child will grow up to be incredibly smart!” The third woman pops her pill and says, “That was Thalidomide, I can’t the get arms right on this f*cking sweater.”
They say laughter is the best medicine…
It’s a shame they don’t prescribe it at the morgue.
A teen boy goes into a pharmacy and, somewhat embarrassed, asks the pharmacist how much a pack of condoms costs.
The pharmacist said a three-pack was four-ninety-nine.
So the teen takes a five-dollar bill from his wallet and puts it on the counter.
The pharmacist said, “That’ll be five dollars and thirty-five cents.”
“But you said it was four-ninety-nine!”
“There’s also tax.”
The teen stared at him in confusion. “Don’t they stay on by themselves?”
What do you call g@y medicine?
Homopathy.
The old man visited his grandson and saw a pack of condoms laying on the table. Grandpa asks, “Hey, old sport, what are you using these for?”
Embarrassed, the grandson said, “I use them to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain.”
The grandpa says, “Great idea, I’ll grab a pack too!”
When he arrived at the pharmacy, he asked for a pack of condoms. The pharmacist asked, “What size do you need?”
Grandpa answered and said, “Big enough to fit a camel!”
I switched my college major from gynecology to veterinary medicine.
After all, a hand on a bird is worth two in a bush.
What’s sitting in the corner making a rattling noise and crying?
Michael J. Fox is trying to open his medicine bottle.
Do you have a Dirty Pharmacy joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
