Science explores the wonders of the universe. The atoms colliding, cells dividing, and black holes gulping down stars. But when adults talk science, it often takes a dirtier turn. Suddenly, chemistry is about more than just bonds, and physics has a whole new kind of attraction. This is where Dirty Science Jokes sneak in, mixing facts with a naughty twist.
These jokes turn textbook terms into something your biology teacher wouldn’t approve of. Dirty Science Jokes make you laugh while secretly boosting your science knowledge, who knew mitochondria could be that suggestive?!
Adult Science Jokes
What do you call a science-themed orgy?
The big bang.
Give a man an egg and he’ll eat for a day.
Breed a man that can lay an egg, and suddenly you’re “taking science too far.”
What do you call science done by promiscuous women?
Thot experiments.
Particle physics gives me a hadron.
Why was Heisenberg’s wife sexually frustrated?
When had the time he didn’t have the energy, and when he had the position he didn’t have the momentum.
What did the string theorist say when his wife walked in on him in bed with another woman?
Wait, I can explain everything!
What’s the difference between science and religion?
Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you through buildings.
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
What is the science of turning a ho into a housewife?
Horticulture.
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What do you with sick chemists?
Helium.
What do you do if they die?
Barium.
Why can’t epileptics work in science?
Cause of all the hypothe-seize.
Yo mama so fat, she’s red shifted.
Science has confirmed that Ancient Egyptians were tall people…
That is why they made hieroglyphics.
If they were midgets they would have made lowerglyphics.
A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics. He makes friends with the tribe’s chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time.
One day, the chief’s wife gives birth to a white child. The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock.
The chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look, you are the only white man we’ve ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”
The professor replied, “No, chief, you’re mistaken. What we have here is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about that sheep, and I won’t say anything more about the white kid.”
My science teacher said he was going to show me his transistor.
Imagine my surprise when a girl with a p*nis appeared.
I was teaching my science class about the female anatomy:
“This is the v@gina. This is the cl*toris, and this is the an*s. Any questions?”
“Yes,” said one of the pupils, “Can I put my knickers back on now?”
Jeffrey Dahmer accomplished one of the most impressive feats in science.
He turned fruits into vegetables.
A doctor doing a study on viability asked an 85-year-old man for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a s*men sample tomorrow.”
The next day, the 85-year-old man returned to the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, “What happened? Why is the jar empty?”
“Well, doc, it’s like this,” the man explained. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.”
“She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arlene, our next-door neighbor, and she tried too – first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor????”
“Yep,” said the old man. “Not one of us could get the jar open.”
Have you heard about the boy born without eyelids?
With new medical science, they removed his foreskin for new eyelids. However, they say he will be cockeyed.
Where is the place where white people are the minority?
Stage at the science fair.
Dad: “Who was Einstein?”
Dad: “Who was Einstein?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t know.”
Dad: “Try going to science class on time for once; maybe you’ll find out.”
Little Johnny: “Who is Uncle Jacob?”
Dad: “I don’t know.”
Little Johnny: “How about coming home on time for once, maybe you’ll find out!”
What was Genghis Khan’s favorite topic in science class?
Mass Extinction.
What do you call a Mexican in a Ferrari?
Science Fiction.
A Scientist, a Mathematician, and an Idiot are in a car. Crashing into a tree, all three die. They are sent to purgatory, where the Devil is waiting.
“Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in,” the Devil says. “Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell.”
So the scientist steps up and asks him, “What is the most complicated formula known to science?” The Devil snaps his fingers, and a stack of papers appears. The scientist reads them and has to agree. He is warped to hell.
The mathematician then asks the Devil the hardest math question at that time. The Devil snaps his fingers, and another stack of papers appears. The mathematician reads them, has to agree and is also warped to hell.
Finally, the Idiot steps up. He asks for a chair. The Devil snaps his fingers, and a chair appears. The Idiot then tells him to drill 7 holes in the seat. The Devil snaps his fingers, and there are 7 holes. The Idiot then sits on the chair and lets out a long, drawn out fart.
He asks, “what hole did that fart come out of?”
The Devil examines the chair closely and says, “Third hole from the right.”
“Wrong. It came from my a$$hole.”
In Alaska, they had a science project in which they needed a storage for sperm near the lab
So they decide to build two test-igloos for it.
What is the science of classifying living things?
Racism.
With all that’s going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.
He looked away from the TV long enough to say, “Black holes matter.”
Sigh… “Yeah, Dad. They are.”
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
Conservation of momentum.
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can’t hear and enzyme, but you can hear a hormone!
Three scientists were sitting around the lab getting drunk one day when one turned to the others and asked, “What would happen if we put a giant cork up an elephant’s butt?”
Well, none of them knew for certain so they decided to run the experiment – for science. They gathered an elephant and a giant cork together in a cage. A month later and the elephant seemed to be tolerating the experiment well. Two months later, the elephant seemed to look a little peckish, but still fine. Six months later, the elephant was a bloated, greenish balloon, wedged into its cage, its swollen body bulging between the bars, so the scientists decided to terminate the experiment – but how?
The first scientist said, “I’m not pulling that cork out!” The second scientist said, “I’m not pulling the cork out either!” The third scientist said, “Let’s train a monkey to do it.” So they got a monkey and trained him to the task. Finally, a month later the monkey is ready to perform the task, and none too soon.
Each scientist set up his own apparatus to monitor the end of the experiment, and on the last day of the month the first scientist was ready to document the event from the one building away from the elephant’s paddock. The second scientist set up his laboratory a block away, with videos monitoring the entire event. The third scientist set up his observation post a mile away, with special infrared and x-ray imaging. They all agree to release the monkey who, trained as he is, immediately enters the elephant’s cage and pulls out the plug.
They meet later that day waiting in line at the Pearly Gates and get to talking about how they died. The first scientist, who was one building away from the elephant said, “It was awful, I drowned in an ocean of crap.” The second scientist, who was in his laboratory a block away said, “I was overcome by the horrendous stench and died.” They both turn to the third scientist and say, “You were a mile away, what happened?” The third scientist said, “All I saw was that poor little monkey trying to put the cork back in, and I died laughing.”
I really wish they’d taught sex in schools.
My science teacher didn’t have a f*cking clue what he was doing.
How do chemists spice things up?
They do it periodically on the table.
Once, in the fifteenth Century B.C., there lived a pharaoh.
And that pharaoh once got a sexually transmitted disease.
All the best medics of Egypt tried to cure him, but all have failed. Until one day, an old man told him that in one oasis to the west, there is an old sect of priests who know many secrets of medicine.
Quickly, the pharaoh ordered his men to go there and bring him sages from that sect. For weeks, he waited until finally, the priests stood before him.
The priests examined him, and said that there is only one thing that can cure him. He must have sexual relations with an eighty-year-old virgin.
The pharaoh was desperate enough to try. For weeks, he suffered as his men scoured Egypt for an eighty-year-old virgin. Finally, they found one. And they brought her to the pharaoh. And he slept with her.
And, just like that, his disease was gone.
All of them: the woman, the priests, and the old man, were generously rewarded with gold.
And it wasn’t until over three thousand years later that science had once again discovered the antibacterial properties of penicillin.
How is Physics like sex?
It may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.
What do you call the study of the male genitalia?
Junk science.
A Science Teacher stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money, and I could buy a Corvette.” The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold, and I could buy a Porsche.” The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.”
The teacher said, “Silicon? Why silicon, Little Johnny?”
“Because my mom has two bags of the stuff, and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”
Science is really exciting.
Specifically the science about wh*re moans.
Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium the medical elements?
Because if you can’t heal-ium or cure-ium, you bury-um.
Do you have a dirty Science joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
