Dogs are the best friends who never judge, except when you don’t share your snacks. They wag their tails like tiny propellers, act like they haven’t eaten in years (even after lunch), and somehow know the exact moment you open a food wrapper. With all their goofy antics, it’s no surprise that Dog Jokes exist and they practically write themselves!
Dog Jokes take all the funny things dogs do and turn them into comedy gold. Whether it’s their guilty faces after stealing socks or their dramatic reactions to the word “bath,” these jokes make people laugh just as much as a dog chasing its own tail. If dogs could understand them, they’d probably roll over laughing—or at least demand belly rubs in return!
Best Dog Jokes
Did you hear about the dog they bought from a blacksmith?
Within 10 minutes of getting him home, he made a bolt for the door.
Why don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
In America, dogs are K9.
In China, dogs are E10.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Doughnut.
(Doughnut who?)
Doughnut pull my dog’s tail, or he’ll bite you!
Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
What does an Icelandic dog say?
“Björk Björk.”
A guy just finished his Lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery.
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”
The surgeon tells him, “Well you’re about to get a new dog.”
This girl’s dog died, so her boyfriend got her an identical one to cheer her up.
She was livid, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
Where does a dog go when it loses its tail and needs a new one?
A retail store.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him…
My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Leash.
(Leash who?)
Leash you could do is open the door.
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46.
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
What do you call a dog with a PhD?
A dogtor.
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly, “Mmm…that was some good lion meat!”
The lion abruptly stops and says, “Woah! This guy seems tougher than he looks, I better leave while I can”.
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes that he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together”.
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realizes what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”
What do you call a dog that works on top of buildings?
A ruffer.
The police arrested a dog for giving birth on the street.
It was littering.
Yo mama so lazy, her idea of doing the dishes is letting the dog lick them clean.
What is the medical diagnosis for owning too many dogs?
Roverdose.
Father: “Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”
Son: “You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”
Father: “Not this time, your dog died.”
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Bow.
(Bow who?)
Not “bow who!” “Bow wow!”
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.
It was impossible to put down.
Did you know all dogs are made up of only 3 elements?
Calcium, nickel, neon.
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.” Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.” One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
What do you call a dog that floats?
A good bouy.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi’s.
Why is a dog better than your wife?
Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car and open it after a bit. Guess who’ll be happy to see you?!
Jim is trying to convince Jack how smart his dog is. “Pretend to shoot it,” he says.
Jack points his fingers at the dog and says “Bang!” The dog does nothing.
“See,” says Jim, “He knew you were only pretending.”
Yo mama so dumb, when your dad tries to play fetch with the dog, your mum chases the stick too.
A policeman came up to this guy with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs…..”
He said, “I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs.”
Being a dog walker is so easy.
It’s a literal walk in the park.
Two men are walking their dogs (a Doberman and a Chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.
They’re pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign-out front that says, “NO DOGS ALLOWED”.
The man with the Doberman says, “I know what to do, just follow my lead.” He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs here.” The man says “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”
“A Doberman for a guide dog?” The waiter asks, skeptical.
“Yes.” The man replies. “Dobermans are very loyal. They’re easy to train and protective too. They’re born for the job.”
The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.
The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him, “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs here.” The man says, “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”
“A chihuahua for a guide dog?” The waiter asks.
“A chihuahua?” The man asks. “They gave me a chihuahua?!”
Recommended: Bulldog Jokes
I need to re-home a dog.
It’s a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get it for you.
What do you call a cowardly dog?
A Golden Retreater.
Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
Husband: They’re for the dogs.
Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
Husband: They don’t know how.
What do you call a dog that’s freezing?
A chili dog.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf!
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it’s sitting in the seat next to him.
He thinks it’s unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it’s not a distraction he won’t mention it.
The movie starts and pretty soon there’s a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there’s a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.
When the lights come up he taps the dog’s owner on the shoulder and tells him, “I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie.”
The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. “I know, it really is weird,” he says, “because he absolutely hated the book.”
I’ll never forget my dog’s last words.
“You’ve taken too much acid.”
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A Labracadabrador.
What is a dog’s favorite state?
Massachewsits.
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?
Dog: Bark
Master: Bark? Well, where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?
Dog: Ruff
Master: The roof? Well,l how did you get all the way up there?
Dog: With the ladder.
Recommended: Dachshund Jokes
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s Dog and Schrodinger’s Cat.
She said it rang a bell but wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
What do you call a Scottish man who’s lost his dog?
Douglas.
God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year lifespan.”
The monkey said, “Tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”
And God agreed.
God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.
God created man and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the man said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Why did the dog not answer the phone?
Because of no collar ID.
What’s the difference between a dog and a fox?
Four drinks.
Dog walks into an employment agency and says in perfect English, “I need a job.”
Surprised, the receptionist replies, “Wow, a real talking dog. You could easily get a job with the circus.”
To which the dog inquires, “Why would a circus need an architect?”
What do you call a dog who makes pizzas for other dogs?
Pizza Mutt.
Why is Donald Trump’s dog always so loud?
Because it’s a Trump pet!
A vacuum cleaner salesman came to this man’s door.
He poured a bag of dog shit on his carpet, and said, “Sir, if this vacuum can’t clean it completely, I’ll eat whatever’s left.”
The man said, “I hope you’re hungry ’cause they cut off the electricity this morning.”
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What do you call a sad dog that’s made of fruit?
Melon Collie.
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”
Why did J. K. Rowling‘s dog pee on her?
He wanted to mark his terf.
Pavlov is sitting in a bar when the phone rings.
All of a sudden he jumps up and yells, “Shit! I forgot to feed the dogs!”
Yo mama so scary, when she went to see a therapy dog, the dog itself needed therapy.
What do you call an agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
A German tourist jumped into freezing water to save this little dog who was drowning.
When he climbed out and gave the owner his dog he said, “Here is ze dog keep him warm ¡and dry him off he vill be fine.”
The owner said, “Are you a vet?”
He replied, “Vet?.. I’m f*cking soaking.”
I have a dog named Rolex.
He’s my watchdog.
What kind of dog lives in a toilet?
Poodle.
Why did the hunter shave his hunting dogs?
So he could catch animals with his bare hounds.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, “So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so… I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”
“’I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running…
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.”
“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a Bullshitter. He’s never been out of the yard.”
Have you heard about the zoo that has one dog?
It’s a Shih Tzu.
What’s the difference between a dog and a well-dressed man?
The man wears a perfectly tailored three-piece suit. The dog? Just pants.
A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.”
“I know,” replied the second dog owner, “my dog told me.”
What does a dog say when it sees a tree?
“Bark.”
Did you adopt your dog?
No. He’s my biological dog.
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into a man’s yard.
From the dog’s collar and well-fed belly, it was clear he had a home. He followed the man into the house, walked down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and the man let him out.
The next day, the dog returned, resumed his position on the couch, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, the man pinned a note to the dog’s collar: “Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day, the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
“He lives in a home with four children—he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
What’s a Muslim’s favorite kind of dog?
Allahbrador.
What dog breed is the funniest?
Pit bulls, they leave everyone in stitches.
A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans
The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”
The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”
What do you call a dog who is a detective?
Snoop Dog.
What do you give a dog when it wins a grammar contest?
A paws trophy!
What do you call an engagement ring that was eaten by a dog?
A diamond in the ruff.
A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.
One day, a minister gave an opinion that the king didn’t like at all. The king was furious and ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs.
The minister pleaded, “I served you loyally for 10 years, and you do this to me?”
The king remained unrelenting.
The minister then requested, “Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs.”
The king agreed.
For the next 10 days, the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and asked to serve them. The keeper was baffled but allowed it. The minister fed the dogs, cared for them, bathed them, and provided them with comfort.
When the 10 days were up, the king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs.
But to everyone’s amazement, the dogs wagged their tails, played with the minister, and licked his feet instead of attacking him.
The king was shocked. “What happened to my dogs?” he growled.
The minister calmly replied, “I served the dogs for only 10 days, and they did not forget my service. Yet, I served you for 10 years, and you forgot everything after just one mistake.”
The king realized his mistake… and then replaced the dogs with crocodiles!
What do you call a dog that makes no sounds or noise at all?
A Mala-Mute.
I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette.
Every day, I take Cigarette out for a drag.
What’s it called when a dog climbs a tree?
Barkour.
Why are there no losers in a dog race?
Because they are all wieners!
A man goes to a psychiatrist’s office. The psychiatrist asks, “What can I do for you?”
Man says, “Doc, you gotta help me. I think I’m a dog. I howl at the moon. I bark at squirrels. I scratch fleas. I even drink water from a bowl on the floor.”
The psychiatrist strokes his beard a moment and says, “Well, hop up on the couch and we’ll talk about it.”
The man replies, “Oooooh, I’m not allowed to be on the couch.”
When is a dog not a dog?
When it is pure bread.
Why is PETA like a box of chocolates?
They kill dogs.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs!
A German Shepherd went to the telegram office, took out a blank form, and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
95% of all German Shepherds are dogs
The other 5% are German Shepherds.
Dogs can bark up to 500 times per day.
That’s just a ruff estimate.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
A man walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, “If your dog can talk, I’ll buy you a drink.”
The man says, “Sure. Ask him a baseball question.”
“Who is the best baseball player ever?”
Dog replies “Ruth.”
The bartender says, “Gimme a break” and walks away.
Dog looks at the man and says “Sorry, I should have said DiMaggio.”
What kind of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
What do you call a dog that’s also vegan?
CornDog.
What do you call a druggy dog?
A Doperman.
Do you have a funny Dog Joke? Write down your best ones in the comment section below!
