40 Funny Dachshund Jokes To Make A Dog Lover Howl

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Jessica Amlee

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The Dachshund, also affectionately known as the “wiener dog” or “sausage dog,” is a breed that’s easily recognizable by its long body and short legs. Originally bred in Germany to hunt badgers, their distinct physique was ideal for digging into burrows. Beyond their hunting prowess, Dachshunds are cherished for their playful and loyal nature, making them beloved pets in many households. Imagine a sausage with legs, a walking hot dog with attitude, a furry firecracker with a Napoleon complex, who wouldn’t love to crack a joke on them?!

Dachshund jokes often center around their distinctive body shape and spirited character. These jokes playfully exaggerate the quirks of the breed, from their long, hotdog-like bodies to their surprisingly bold attitudes. They’re a light-hearted way to celebrate the charm and uniqueness of these little dogs, bringing a smile to the faces of Dachshund owners and dog lovers alike.

Best Dachshund Jokes

Why did the cowboy have to buy a dachshund?
He had to get a long little doggy.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

The US Navy will start to equip all their subs with emotional support dogs.
After a lot study, they decided on Dachshunds, they will be subma-weiners.

What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel, and a dachshund?
A hot diggity dog.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Dash who?)

What do you get when you cross a Dachshund, a Schnauzer, a Shih Tzu, and a Poodle?
A Wienerschnitzel.

Why will only Dachshunds be remembered?
Because History is written by the wieners.

What do a dachshund and a Lamborghini have in common?
Low ground clearance!

A Dachshund walks into a telegraph office, picks up a blank form, and writes: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk looks over the paper for a minute before telling the dog, “You know, there are only nine words here. You could add another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The Dachshund shakes his head at the clerk in disbelief. “But that would make no sense at all.”

Why did the dachshund want to sit in the shade?
Because it didn’t want to be a hot dog!

Why was the dachshund good at yoga?
Because it was already close to the ground!

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance.
He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there’s no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once the leopard is in earshot, the dachshund sighs contentedly and says to himself, “My, that was one tasty leopard.” And not being of the brightest variety, the leopard immediately high-tails it out of the area.
A monkey had been watching all this go down, and, being the cheeky rascal of the jungle, decides to spill the beans to the leopard. Swinging through the trees, he eventually catches up to the leopard and tells him that there’s no way that little dog could have eaten an entire leopard. The leopard sees he’s made a fool of himself, vows revenge, and tells the monkey to hop on his back to come watch.
A few minutes later, the dachshund sees them approaching. As they get closer, he taps his foot in apparent irritation and mutters to himself,
“Where’s that dammit monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to fetch me another leopard!”

What is the difference between a street vendor and a Dachshund dog?
One bawls out his wares on the street.
The other wears out his balls on the street.

What should you do if your dachshund becomes addicted to dog treats?
Weiner off of them.

What’s a dachshund’s favorite morning ritual?
A long stretch!

Two men, Tom and Bob were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent.
“You smell that?” Tom asked. Bob replied, “The heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!” After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said, “Let’s get something to eat!” they both were hungry but Bob reminded him that they couldn’t enter with their dogs! So Tom said, “It’s cool, follow my lead!” He puts on shades and is stopped at the door, “No dogs allowed sir!” Tom insisted, “Oh it’s my seeing eye dog let me in!” “It is? But that’s a dachshund!”
“Yes they’re using them now because of their amazing sense of smell”
“Very well come in.” Bob puts on shades and also stopped before entering.
“No dogs allowed sir!” the waiter heckled.
“Oh please forgive me, it’s my seeing eye dog,” Bob apologized.
“A chihuahua?!!!” the waiter shouted.
“What??? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

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What do you call a dachshund with no hind legs and balls of steel?

What do you call a dachshund that has been left outside in the winter for an extended period of time?
A chili dog.

How long does a Dachshund have to be before it needs another set of legs in the middle?
1.8 meters – about six feet!

A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.
“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.
“I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

What do you call a hungry dachshund?
A halloweenie.

Who is the sassiest and most fashionable dog?
Kim Kar-Dachshund.

What is the similarity between dachshunds and phones?
They both have Collar IDs.

The Americans and the Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. “When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”
“That’s nothing,” an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

What do you get when you cross a dachshund, a black lab, and a Blue Heeler?
A black and blue weiner.

Why do dachshunds love to race?
Because in the end, they’re all wieners.

A guy goes into a Houston bar with a Dachshund under his arm. The dog is decked out in a Texans jersey and helmet and is festooned with Texans pompoms.
The bartender says, “Hey! No pets allowed in here!” The guy begs him, “Please we’re both big Texans fans and the TV at my house is broken. We’re really desperate.” After securing a promise that the dog will behave and both the dog and the owner will be thrown out if there’s any trouble, the bartender relents and lets the two stay.
The game opens with the Texans receiving the kickoff and marching down to the 30 and kicking a field goal. The dog immediately goes up and down the bar giving high fives to everyone.
The bartender says, “Wow that’s amazing. What does he do when they score a touchdown?” “I don’t know yet,” the guy says, “I’ve only had him for 4 years.”

What do you get when you cross an aloe vera plant with a dachshund?
A succuweenie.

Do you like dachshund jokes?
They’re the wurst.

Why did the dachshund escape from the dog park?
He wanted to see the world… one inch at a time.

There was a woman who had two dachshunds, a male and a female.
One day a visitor asked her what she did when the dachshund b*tch was in season,
The owner says, “Oh, I just put the female upstairs. that works.”
Her visitor asks, “How on earth does that work? …Putting the female upstairs?”
The owner says, “Have you ever seen a dachshund trying to climb stairs with a hard-on!”

What do you call a dachshund-chihuahua mix?
A Beaner-Weiner.

What did Santa say when his Dachshund pulled the sleigh?
“This must be the fastest ‘low-rider’ Dachshund through the snow!”

How do you know a dachshund is dancing?
When they have two left feet and a wiggle in their rear.

A group of prisoners is in their rehabilitation meeting.
Their task for the day is to each stand up in turn, speak his name and admit to his fellow inmates what crime he has committed.
The first prisoner stands and says, “My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder!” Everyone gives him approving look and pats him on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.
The next guy stands up and says, “My name is Mike and I’m in for armed robbery!” Again, there is a round of approving looks.
This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says,
“My name is Luke, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for!”
The group leader says, “Now come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did.”
“OK then. I’m in for f*ckin dogs.” Everyone is disgusted. They all shout, “What??!! How low can you get!”
“Well… I did manage to do a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little,” Luke replies.

What is the difference between a street vendor and a Dachshund dog?
One bawls out his wares on the street. The other wears out his balls on the street.

Do you know what’s great about a dachshund and a convertible?
You can ride around topless with your wiener out.

A German Shepherd, a Labrador, and a dachshund all died and they are waiting in front of God.
God asks all the dogs what they believe in.
God asked The German Shepherd “What do you believe in?”
The German Shepherd answers: “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my owner.”
“Great,” says God, “take a seat on my left side.”
“Labrador, what do you believe in?” Asks God.
The Labrador answers: “I believe in fun, play, and loving my owner.”
“Ah,” God said, “You can come sit at my right side.”
Then he looks at the dachshund: “And how about you?”
The dachshund hops up on the throne, curls up in a little ball, and says, “I believe you’re in my seat!”

What do you call a dachshund with a magnifying glass?
Sherlock Bones.

Do you have a funny joke about Dachshund? Write down the puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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