Fish are fascinating creatures. They come in all shapes and sizes, from the tiny guppy to the enormous whale shark. With their shimmering scales and underwater antics, it’s no wonder they’ve inspired everything from cartoons to folklore. But let’s not forget the most important thing fish have given us, the Fish Jokes!
Yes, these slippery swimmers don’t just swim in the sea; they also swim in our humor. These jokes are like the ocean waves, unexpected, refreshing, and sometimes a little offbeat.
Best Fish Jokes
Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day.
Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
Two fish are in a tank.
One turns to the other and says, “Okay, you man the guns. I’ll drive.”
Why do koi fish travel in groups of four?
To protect the group from predators. When attacked, kois A, B, and C will go in one direction. The fourth one is the D koi.
What coding language does a fish code in?
Sea++
What can you say to console a fish after a breakup?
There’s plenty of people in the oxygen.
An old country boy with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a game Warden.
The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”
“No, sir. Don’t need one.” These here are my pet fish.” “Pet fish??” the game warden barked.
“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take ’em
“HOGWASH! You’re under arrest.” He said.
“It’s the truth. I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!!”
“We do, now, do we?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!”
He released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, “Well?”
“Well, WHAT?”
The warden asked, “When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?” “The FISH,” replied the warden!
“What fish?”
Scientists have discovered that, on occasion, an octopus will “punch” a fish for no reason other than spite.
That’s called Toxic Molluskulinity.
My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Give a Nigerian a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a Nigerian to phish and he becomes a prince.
Why are fish poorly educated?
All the schools are below C level.
A farmer goes out to sea on a rainy night. The storm is so bad he doesn’t catch a single fish, but does find a fishing net that fell off another boat.
In the end it was a net positive.
Why do Egyptian fish never believe anything?
Because they live in deNILE.
After watching Finding Nemo, a man runs out to the pet store and buys a clown fish.
He brings the fish home and puts it into the tank, but after a few days notices that it doesn’t seem at all settled in its new home.
He remembers that in Finding Nemo, the clownfish live in an anemone, so he returns to the pet store and asks the clerk if they have any for sale. The clerk tells him they do, but explains there is a far less expensive solution. The clerk says to go down to the flower shop and buy a fern, pull off a few of the fronds, and arrange them in the tank. He says the clownfish really just wants to feel hidden and this will do the job for a fraction of the price.
So the gentleman follows the clerk’s advice, buys a fern, arranges the fronds in the corner of his tank and sure enough the clownfish swims right in and seems completely happy.
He steps back, satisfied with the solution, and thinks to himself, “With fronds like these, who
needs anemones?”
How did I know that a small fish stole my Tylenol?
Because I see da minnow fin.
What does the Loch Ness monster eat?
Fish and Ships.
There were 12 fish in the pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?
Because the other fish were crying.
What did the Dried Fish say to the other Dried Fish?
“Long time no Sea.”
What do you call a fish model?
Fishionista.
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven.
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: “I am the pope.”
St. Peter: “Who? There’s no such name in my book.”
The Pope: “I’m the representative of God on Earth.”
St.Peter: “Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me …”
The Pope: “But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …”
St. Peter: “The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I’ll check with the boss.”
St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: “There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth.”
God: “I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I’ll ask Jesus.” (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: “Yes Dad, what’s up?”
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: “Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.”
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes, St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.
Jesus: “Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!”
What kind of fish is made up of 2 atoms only?
2Na.
What do you call a girl who catches fish?
Anette.
What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick!
What’s invisible and smells like fish?
Penguin farts.
Watching bears fish for salmon in Alaska live on YouTube when my GF asks what I’m watching.
“A live stream.”
A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our salespeople average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says, “$101,237.64.” The boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”
The kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”
The kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.”
What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
Tuna half.
Why do people say ‘tuna fish sandwich’?
No one ever says ‘chicken bird sandwich’!!
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom.
My friend asked me what the biggest fish I ever caught was. “Have you ever seen the movie Jaws? I asked.
“Well, it was about the same size as the box the DVD came in.”
How to determine the gender of aquarium fish?
Easy. Give it some food. If he eats it, then it’s a male, if she eats it, then it’s a female.
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he begins yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.” The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
What’s the most famous fish in the sea?
A starfish.
What kind of underwear do fish wear?
Boxer reefs.
What type of fish should you use to catch other fish?
Bait-a fish.
Why was the salmon stopped by airport security?
Because it looked sus-fish-ous.
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.
On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn’t take it anymore. They decided to try and convert him to be Catholic. They went over and talked with him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.
They took him to church and the priest sprinkled some water over him and told him “Your were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist and now you are a Catholic”. The men of the neighborhood were SO relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved.
The next year’s Lent rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighborhood was setting down to their fish dinners came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on??? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John’s yard to see if he had forgotten it was a Friday in Lent.
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak on the grill and saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.”
What is the most affectionate kind of fish in the ocean?
Cuddlefish!
A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”
The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”
Where does a fish get its medicine?
The PharmaSea.
What smells like feet and tastes like fish?
Shoe-shi.
What type of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it’s edge.
“WAIT! PLEASE DON’T EAT ME!” the fish screams.
Bill answers, “Oh wow, a talking fish! That’s amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway” and sets him free.
The fish turns around and says, “Thank you, now how about a wish?”
Bill answers, “Oh alright… what do you want?”
This customer told the waiter that his fish was dry.
The waiter said that they had to take it out of the water.
When I told my teacher I had 26 pets, she didn’t believe me, so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.
The teacher freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
What hormones does a fish use to swim in a house?
Indoor Fins.
What is an iron fish called?
Fe-sh.
What’s the worst extra curricular activity to join for a fish?
Da Bait Team.
Little Nancy is digging a hole in the backyard when her neighbor looks over the fence.
“What are you doing little girl?”
“My goldfish died, so I’m digging a hole to bury it.”
The neighbor smiles, “But isn’t that hole a little big for a goldfish?”
“Not if it’s inside your damnn cat.”
What did the fish say when he swam into a cement wall?
“Dam.”
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish?
Swimming trunks!
What fish tastes best with peanut butter?
Jellyfish.
What country do fish move to when they retire?
Finland.
Recommended: Dolphin Jokes
An English fish meets a German fish.
The English fish says, “Hi!”
The German fish dives and yells, “Wo?!”
What’s the difference between a piano, a fish, and a bucket of glue?
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
A guy goes into a pet shop and says “I’d like to buy a fish please”. The assistant asks “Would you like an aquarium?”. …
“I just want a bl00dy fish I don’t care what star sign it is!”
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
Why didn’t Noah do much fishing?
He only had 2 worms.
Why are DJs bad fishing buddies?
Because they keep dropping the bass.
A fish goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “Hello, sir. What brings you in today?”
The fish replies, “Everything. I hurt my back at work, I have a cold, my eyesight is going, and I have high blood pressure.”
The doctor raises his eyebrows, jots down some notes on his clipboard, and says, “Okay, Mr. Salmon, what’s your lifestyle like? Do you eat healthy, get enough sleep, all that?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the fish. “I eat organic, sleep at least 7 hours a night, and I never drink or smoke.”
At that, the doctor smiles and slaps his knee. “Well that’s your problem!” he exclaims. “Let me write you a prescription for some Marlboros.”
The fish is dumbfounded. “Doctor, why?”
The doctor finishes writing the prescription, rips it off his pad, and hands it to the fish. “You need to start smoking,” he says, “because smoking cures salmon.”
Where do the fish keep their money?
In the river bank.
What do you call a stupid fish?
Dumbbass.
Recommended: Tentacle Jokes
What do fish get stressed about?
Current Events.
What language does a fish speak?
Finnish.
What kind of fish works in a hospital?
A sturgeon.
Two guys are out ice fishing. They find a spot, and start drilling the hole, when all of the sudden, they hear a voice saying “There are no fish here!”
“It’s a message from god!” one of them said. So they moved to a different spot and started drilling the hole to start fishing, when they heard the same voice again saying “There are no fish here!”
So again, they change to a different spot, and start drilling the hole, when they hear the voice again saying “There are no fish here!” so one of them asks “Is that you god?”
To which the voice responds, “No, It’s the rink manager.”
My child will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A cat. Cats love fish.
Why are fish are so political?
They are always taking debate.
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don’t go to school!
Why are Fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
Why do fish live in saltwater?
Because if they lived in pepper water they would sneeze.
Grandpa had gifted Billy a bit of money for his birthday.
Billy wanted a new fishing rod but the money didn’t seem to suffice. Finally, he went to a questionable voodoo store. There he saw a fishing rod for only 20$. It seemed brand new and really cool, so he asked the clerk what was wrong with it.
The clerk answered, “Oh it’s pretty fine, it’s just that it was cursed.”
That scared Billy who asked, “So I might come to harm when I use it?” The clerk shook his head. “No no. No danger. You’ll be fine.”
“Then what’s the catch?” Billy asked.
The clerk replied, “Well… There will be none.”
How long should you microwave fish for?
Tuna half minutes.
What do you call a Viking who can’t catch fish?
A cod-less heathen.
Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?
Because of the indoor fins.
Why can’t a fish be a radio host?
Because if he goes on air, he’ll die.
A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and says, “Do you have fish cakes?”
The chap behind the counter replies, “No”.
“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
A guy is sitting beside a lake, with a bucket of worms and a hammer.
Another guy comes by and asks what he’s doing.
“I’m fishing,” says the man. “How do you do that with just some worms and a hammer?” asks the second guy. The first guy replies, “Give me twenty dollars, and I will tell you.”
The passerby is most curious and hands over twenty dollars. “Well,” says the first guy, “I throw a worm into the water, and as soon as a fish bites at it, I hit it on the head with my hammer.”
“Do you catch anything that way?” asks the other guy in amazement. “Oh yes,” says the first man, “I’ve already made two hundred dollars this morning.”
What do you call a fish that’s going to jail?
Gillty.
What happens when small fish get too old to lay eggs?
They go through minnow-pause.
There was a huge fight at the local seafood restaurant.
There were battered fish everywhere.
What do you get when you cross an ’80s hair band with a fish?
BonChovy.
A suspicious looking spacecraft landed on Earth to bring back to life ray-finned fish. But one spacecraft wasn’t sufficient, so more arrived.
I think it was extra to restore eels.
What’s a fish’s favorite wood?
Fish sticks.
What do you call a vibrating fish?
Sharkinsons.
Two guys went on a fishing trip.
Unfortunately, all they got were two measly fish.
“Those fish turned out to be expensive,” said the first guy, “They ended up costing us $80 each.”
“Well if you put it that way,” said the second guy, “it’s a good thing that we didn’t catch any more.”
Why are deep-sea fish so stressed out all the time?
They are under a lot of pressure.
Why do smart fish come from hot waters?
Cause these waters have the higher degrees.
How do you convict a fish?
Beyond a reasonable trout.
Did you know fish can breakdance?
For 30 seconds and only once that is.
Who do fish pray to?
Cod.
What is the best way to communicate with fish?
Drop them a line.
Have you ever tried clown fish?
Taste kind of funny.
Do you have a funny Fish Joke? Write down your best ones in the comment section below!
