Holidays roll in like a cheerful parade, carrying bright lights, loud music, and people who suddenly forget where they kept their socks. Families rush around trying to make everything perfect while their pets steal snacks and guests pretend they are not lost in the decorations. By the time everyone gathers, half the house looks festive and the other half looks confused, but the spirit of the season still manages to bounce around the room.
Holiday jokes grow out of this happy chaos, popping up whenever someone slips while adjusting a decoration or when the food smells great but looks suspicious. These jokes become tiny stories shared between cousins, grandparents, and anyone willing to laugh before knowing what they are laughing at. Soon the whole place turns into a festival of giggles, proving that during the holidays nothing brings people closer than a little friendly teasing wrapped in warm cheer.
Best Holiday Jokes
Having to tell your suitcase there are no holidays or vacations this year is hard, especially when you see how upset your suitcase gets.
Emotional baggage is the worst.
Just got Mariah Carey a parcel of undeveloped land as a holiday gift.
But she said, “I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Happy
(Happy who?)
Happy Holidays!
Wife called husband and said, “Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They’re absolutely gorgeous!”
Husband replied, “That’s probably why they got flowers then…”
What do you call someone who gives out soda during the Holiday season?
Fanta Clause.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
What’s the difference between Yule and Tide?
Tide has Noel.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can’t be with them this holiday season…
… Please don’t be jealous.
Who thinks all the Christmas songs are about her?
Carol.
A guy goes with his girlfriend to stay at her parents’ house for the holidays.
The couple lives in the city, and the parents live on a farm. The boyfriend is unused to the quiet country life, and after a couple of days, he’s pretty bored. His girlfriend’s father comes in and says, “Hey, young fella, if you’re looking for something to do, why not take the dogs out for a bit of hunting? There’s a shotgun behind the laundry door.” Guy comes back a couple of hours later, and the father says, “How was it?”
“That was amazing! Have you got any more dogs?”
Studies have shown that women who gain seven or more pounds over the holidays have a longer life expectancy…
… than the men who point it out.
What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?
Fangs-giving!
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Yesterday, a husband purchased a world map…gave his wife a dart and said to her, “Throw this, and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out they’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.
How do you hide a new video game before Christmas?
You put the cartridge in a pear tree.
What do Jesus, Columbus, Washington, Lincoln, and MLK have in common?
They were all born on holidays.
A Scotsman walks into a bar while on holiday in Canada.
And he says to the barman, “What is that thing there that you’ve got hanging from the wall?”
And the Canadian behind the bar says, “That right there, sir, is our prized possession; it’s a moose that was killed just over there in my very own back yard.”
The Scotsman slams his beer down on the table in shock and says, “My God! If that’s a moose, then I would love to see the size of your cats.”
Do you know why there are religious holidays but no scientific holidays?
Because science always works.
Why don’t mummies go on holiday?
They’re scared they’ll relax and unwind!
Ironman’s favorite Christmas present this year were rockets he can fire from his feet.
He calls them missile toes.
Walmart is giving away dead batteries for the holidays…
Free of charge.
An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”
“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”
The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”
The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”
What do you call two spices saying hello to each other during the holidays?
Seasons greetings.
The Home Depot has all their Christmas decorations in the second row of housewares. In other words…
Aisle B home for Christmas.
What’s Christmas?
It is the present holiday.
To all my friends this holiday season, if you’re going to be drinking, please don’t drive.
The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because, along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through, and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus, but I did a pretty good job.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?
He was searching for some holiday spirit.
What is grey and has a trunk?
A squirrel going on holiday.
What do you call a woman who won’t stop singing Christmas songs?
Carolyn.
A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday.
Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane that the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there calmly. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn’t left, he responded, “I know the abilities of my students. This box won’t even start”.
Why don’t therapists go on holidays?
It’s a lot to unpack.
Just one day ago, we celebrated the first ever holiday dedicated to clowns.
It was jesterday.
What are a Christmas tree’s favourite sweets?
Ornamints!
A husband and wife on a holiday were driving through New Mexico.
As they approached Albuquerque, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name of the city. The husband thought it was pronounced like Albu-que-que, while the wife thought it was pronounced like Albu-kway-kway. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband said to the restaurant worker, “Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Can you please pronounce the name of the place we’re in?”
She leaned over the counter and said, “Burger King.”
People with birthdays falling on Christmas shouldn’t mind that gifts are combined for the holiday…
Jesus sure didn’t.
During the holidays, let’s take a moment to think about the waitstaff on cruise ships..
Never forget these uniformed men and women, serving over seas.
What type of Christmas trees do scientists prefer?
Chem-is-trees.
Tommy comes back from his holiday with his mum, and his stepdad and the teacher ask him, “Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?”
“I did, Teacher.”
“And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?”
“Yes, he did, teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I’d swim back.”
“Oh, well, um, it’s an awful long way to swim, isn’t it, 1/2 a mile?”
“Oh no, teacher, no, it was easy once I’d got out of the bag!”
What’s a pet fish’s favorite holiday?
Tanksgiving.
Did you know December 23 is a holiday too?
Its Christmas Adam. Because Adam came before Eve.
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What did Adam say to Eve the night before Christmas?
“It’s Christmas Eve.”
A man is returning from a holiday.
As he goes through customs, the officer asks him what’s in his two big bags.
“Mobile phones,” the man replies.
The officer opens the bags, and sure enough, both are packed with phones.
“What are you doing with all these?” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’re not for me. I’m helping out a friend. He’s starting a band.”
“But phones? Who needs phones when starting a band?”
The man pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket to double-check. “Yeah, this is exactly what he asked for — two saxophones.”
How do you wish a cop happy holidays?
Police Navidad!
Yo mama so ugly, Santa pays an elf to drop off her gifts during the holidays.
Last December, a woman caught her husband in bed with the Ghost of Christmas Past. She screamed, “What the hell is going on?!”
He said, “Babe, relax…I’m just trying to get into the holiday spirit.”
What is a dog’s favorite holiday?
Howloween!
During the holiday season, a man is aimlessly drifting around a shopping center, wondering what to get his wife for Christmas. Wandering into a pet store, he asks the shop assistant, “Hey, buddy, you got anything with a Christmas-type theme in here?”
“Well, there is Chet, the parrot,” the assistant replies.
Chet looks like any normal parrot, nothing special, so the guy asks, “What’s so Christmassy about him?”
“Well, he can sing Christmas carols,” says the assistant.
“Really?”
“Yup,” says the assistant. “Lemme show ya. See, all ya gotta do is light a match and hold it under his left foot, like so, and Chet’ll go…”
“Awrrk! Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul…” Chet sings.
“Wow, that’s amazing! Does he do any more?”
“Sure does! Now, if you hold the match under his right foot instead, he’ll go…”
“Awrrk! Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose…” Chet sings.
Well, now the guy is really impressed, but he has to ask, “Does Chet know any more carols?”
“Oh, sure, he knows one more! See, if you hold the match BETWEEN his two feet, he goes…”
“Awrrk! Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…”
Why did the cow go on holiday?
Because she had a wee calf.
Tampax has announced it is replacing the string with holiday tinsel.
But only for the holiday period.
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What’s red white and blue?
A sad candy cane.
A couple invited their family over for Thanksgiving night to spend the holiday and meal together.
The family gathered, but the couple’s children were late, and the mother-in-law complained aloud, “Ugh, your children, always late.”
Eventually, everyone sat down to eat, and the mother-in-law insisted on sitting at the head of the table – no one had the strength to argue with her. After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law began to complain: “What’s with the food here? Why is it always late?”
A short time later, the couple brought out the meal they had prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife. Everyone loaded their plates with food, and the evening continued. While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law said, “I’d better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”
A mere second after she got up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table fell down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her. Everyone was in shock until the bride mumbled to herself: “This clock… always late.”
How do you wash your hands over the holiday?
With Santatizer.
Yo mama so short, she was mistaken for a Christmas elf.
Why is Halloween a hillbilly’s favorite holiday?
Because they like to pumpkin.
Why is Santa able to enter so many homes on Christmas Eve?
He has “Probable Claus.”
God couldn’t decide where to go for a holiday.
The angels suggested the planet Venus. “Too hot,” said god.
Then they suggested Pluto? “Too cold,” said god.
What about planet Earth, they wondered. “Hell no,” said god. I was down there about 2,000 years ago. Slept with some woman named Mary and they’re still talking about it!”
What do you call a wreath made of 100$ bills?
Aretha Franklins.
Where does Justin Timberlake take his holidays in Russia?
Crimea River.
Why does Captain Nemo always get coal at Christmas?
Because he’s on the Nautilus.
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Why was frosty inspecting the carrots at the grocery store?
He was picking his nose.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Argo.
(Argo who?)
Argo down to the beach for my holidays!
At the end of the holiday visit, Ted asked his dad if he approved of his new girlfriend, even though the only job she’s ever had was working at a zoo.
The father said, “Son, she’s a keeper.”
When on holiday, a man smoked cannabis for the first time before dying.
It was a once in a lifetime trip.
How annoying, 365 days until Christmas….
and there is already decoration everywhere.
Do you have a funny Holiday Joke? Write down your best jokes in the comment section below!
