A joke is like a universal key. It can unlock smiles, laughter, and sometimes even the deepest belly laughs. But not all jokes are created equal. Some are light and silly, perfect for kids, while others are like secret passwords only adults understand. Jokes for adults often carry a dash of wit, a pinch of sarcasm, and just the right amount of spice to keep things interesting. They’re the perfect way to add a playful twist to life’s mundane moments.
When it comes to jokes for adults, it’s as if you’re stepping into a comedy club where every punchline feels tailored for your grown-up brain. These jokes don’t just tickle your funny bone; they take it on a rollercoaster ride.
Adult Jokes
If another name for a bra is “over the shoulder boulder holder”, what about men’s underwear?
An under the butt nut hut.
What does going down on an old woman taste like?
Depends.
Why do professional boxers do not make love the night before a big fight?
Because they don’t like each other very much.
How is Gender like the Twin Towers?
There used to be two of them, and now it is a sensitive subject.
Went to Thailand and got with 2 prostitutes. It was like I’d won the lottery.
We had 6 matching balls.
Two guys are riding to work on the bus.
They both see two dogs doin’ at it on a lawn. One guy looks at the other and says, Jeez, I’d give anything to do it to my wife like that.” The other guy says, “Heck, that’s easy, just feed her three martinis.”
The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning.
“Well, did you get to do it to your wife doggie style?”
“Yes, but it took SIX martinis.”
“SIX martinis! How come so many?”
Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn.”
A guy walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his rear.
The doctor takes one look and he says, “Damn, Son, it looks like we have one hell of a problem here.” The guy responds, “This is just the tip of the iceberg.”
A man with 5 peni$es walks into a doctor’s office. The doctor says “Wow! How do your pants fit!?”
The man says, “Like a glove!”
Do you know that the love making position 69 is now called a 96?
It’s because the cost of eating out has gone up.
My wife said we could each have 3 hall passes. She picked Henry Cavil, Jason Momoa, and Matt Damon; but then she got mad at me for my picks…
Apparently, her sister, our kids’ kindergarten teacher, and Kelsey in the marketing department were the wrong answers.
A little boy says to his mother, “Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white?”
His mother replied, “Don’t even go there! From what I remember about that party, you’re lucky you don’t bark!”
A light, regular, and heavy tampon are walking toward you. Which one says hello first?
None of them, they’re all stuck up b*tches.
What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?
Both are thinking “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”
Why do depressed people give the best head?
Because they don’t care about breathing anymore.
What’s the opposite of “young, dumb, and full of c*m”?
“Old, smart, and can’t trust a fart”.
Why don’t women parachute naked?
That annoying whistling sound on the way down.
An 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year she gave birth in a hospital. The nurse congratulated the fellow. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?” He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. What’s the secret?” He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.” He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”
The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil, this one’s black!”
What is a profession that begins with “P”, is often criticised, and is known for f*cking people and taking their money?
Politician.
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What’s worse than a sick muskrat on your piano?
A diseased beaver on your organ.
What’s the difference between Disney+ and P*rnhub?
Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.
How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?
He cuts holes in his pockets.
What did the deer say when she came out of the woods?
“I’ll never do that for two bucks again!”
Two nuns are out cycling.
One says, “I’ve never come this way before.”
Second Nun, “It must be the cobbles.”
How do you find a blind guy at a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
How does a woman hold her liquor?
By the ears.
Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
“Gahk!”
A penguin takes the car to the mechanic.
The mechanic says give me an hour to diagnose the problem. The penguin goes to dairy queen but gets the ice cream all over his face and body because he has to eat it without hands. So he goes back to check on his car.
The mechanic says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin replies, “No it’s just a little ice cream.”
How do they separate the men from the boys in the Navy?
With a crowbar.
A cab driver is driving a lone woman to her destination.
The cab gets a flat tire, so the cabbie gets out to fix it. The woman, trying to be helpful, asks, “do you need a screwdriver?” The cabbie replies, “Thanks, but I need to fix this flat first.”
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3 old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man came up and flashed them.
Two of the ladies had a stroke. The other one couldn’t reach.
Two men are walking down the street when they see a dog licking himself. Just going to town, having a grand time.
One man says, “Damn, I wish I could do that.”
The other replies, “Well, maybe you should go pet him first.”
What’s grey and comes in buckets?
An elephant.
Who is the most popular woman at a swingers’ party?
The woman who can eat that last donut without using her hands.
One pirate says to the other, “Did you know there’s a steering wheel in your pants?”
The other says, “Arr! And it’s driving me nuts!”
What do you call a woman who sells her body for lasagna?
A pasta-tute.
A man goes into his doctor’s examination room.
And looks him square in the eye and says, “Give it to me straight doc!”
The doctor replies solemnly, “I can’t do that I’m afraid, we’re both men.”
Why did the Amish girl get excommunicated?
Too Mennonite.
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
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What do you do when a whale comes in your window?
Swim.
A baby born underwater can live the rest of it’s life that way.
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
Full.
Girl: My lips are very dry.
Boy: Doesn’t it hurt when you walk then?!
Do you know that a woman has two sets of lips?
One to argue, and one to reconcile.
What kind of file can turn a 10 mm hole into a 40 mm hole?
A ped0phile.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”
What’s the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
What does an elephant say to a naked man?
“How do you breathe with that thing?”
A blonde goes to the doctor to get a thorough examination.
Doctor: “I think you have acute angina!”
Blonde” “Thank you very much!”
Why do mice have such small balls?
So few of them know how to dance.
What do you do if your wife starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use some lubricant.
A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest asked, “What do you mean, almost?”
The man replied, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped!”
The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.”
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over and said, “I saw that! You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
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What do you call a rap battle between snakes?
A reptile diss function.
Why do girls have legs?
Well, have you seen the mess snails make?!
What do dicks and spiders have in common?
People always exaggerate how big they are.
Are you male or female?
To know the answer, look down,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Not here you fool.
I don’t believe in sex before marriage.
The problem is, that my wife don’t believe in sex after marriage…
What do you call a boat filled with potatoes and peni$es?
A dictatorship.
What do you call a h@ndjob from Albert Einstein?
A stroke of genius.
A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver “What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”
The taxi driver responds: “Oh, it’s not the fact that you’re naked that bothers me.”
“Then why are you looking at me that way?”
“Well, ma’am, I’m looking at you and thinking, ‘where the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?'”
What do you call a flower getting a sex change?
A Transplant.
What’s worse than lobsters on Mars?
Crabs on Uranus.
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What’s the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?
One goes ba dum tiss, the other is da bum kiss.
What’s the most sensitive part of a man’s body during ma$turbation?
His ears.
What do you call a female wizard?
A wizar. Its just a wizard without the d.
What is the difference between an optimist, and a woman taking a bubble bath?
Well, one has hope in their soul..
Superman is out flying and sees Wonder Woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight.
He thinks that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down does her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soon as he’s gone Wonder Woman gasps, sits up, and yells, “What the hell was that?!”
“I don’t know but my back hurts like hell,” replies the Invisible Man.
What word begins with ‘M’ and ends in arriage and is a man’s favorite thing?
Miscarriage.
What did the ghost say to the beehive?
“Boobees!”
What’s the difference between a cow and a crucifixion?
You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.
What does the sign on a out-of-business brothel say?
“Beat it. We’re closed.”
What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?
“Cameron Diaz.”
What’s the most expensive haircut you can get?
Chemotherapy.
What does a fish like to smoke?
Sea weed.
What’s the most important thing to remember when picking up girls?
To lift with your knees.
A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry.
They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, “I just don’t have time for it, I’m too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal”.
The farmer is disheartened to hear this but listens to the therapist, who tells him, “You need to change things up a bit. You’ll just have to do something sexy to attract her.”
The next morning, the wife is in the house, ironing some clothes, when she hears strange sounds from outside. She runs out of the kitchen and into the front yard, and sees her husband completely naked thrusting his dick in and out of the tractor’s exhaust pipe. “What on Earth are you doing?” she shouts.
The farmer looks up at her. “Well, the therapist said to do something sexy to a tractor.”
What did the letter “O” say to the letter “Q”?
“Dude, your d is hanging out!”
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What do a forest fire and herpes have in common?
Both most likely started with a careless match on Tinder.
What’s the difference between a nun at prayer and a nun in the bath?
One’s got hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole!
What do small hotels and tight pants have in common?
No ballroom.
What do you call two guys who love math?
Alge-bros.
What’s the equivalent of sexting for the older generation?
Fax.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
“Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter, “it’s only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.”
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams “Oh my God,” says the old lady, “now what is happening?”
“Not to worry,” says St. Peter, “She’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo.”
“I can’t do this,” says the old lady, “I’m going to hell.”
“You can’t go there,” says St. Peter. “You’ll be f*cked and sodomized.”
“Maybe so,” says the old lady, “but I’ve already got the holes for that.
What does a Mexican man put under his carpet?
UNDERLAY! UNDERLAY!
What do you call a cake baked by a h00ker?
Hoemade.
What do engineers do when they are constipated?
They work it out with a pencil.
What kind of snacks is offered at an 0rgy?
Mixed nuts.
What do you call a b*tt plug being used by a guy?
A manhole cover.
What did one saggy b00b say to the other saggy b00b?
“If we don’t get proper support, people will think we’re nuts.”
Mother Superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!” The nuns look at each other and one nun says, “He’s blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?” They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
What do scientists use when experimenting with icicles?
Testicles!
What do you call a true communist experience?
An ourgasm.
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What do you call a naked dude who escaped prison?
Free Willy.
What’s an alcoholic’s favorite type of foreplay?
Liquor.
What’s the difference between light and hard?
“I can sleep with the light on!”
What’s the best thing about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes!
A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter’s bedroom and walks in.
Finding her daughter sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, “What are you doing?!”
“I’m a 35-year-old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband, ” replies the daughter.
The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a humming sound in the living and sees the daughter with her vibrator.
“What are you doing??“ he asks her. She gives him the same reply and the father leaves her to it.
Later in the evening, the mother hears the noise again and goes to see where its coming from. Her husband is sitting alongside the vibrator. She asks him what he’s doing.
He replies, “What does it look like? I’m watching the game with my son-in-law.”
What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can’t hear a vitamin.
What do you call a Roman with pubic hair in his mouth?
Gladiator.
What do you call a great fisherman?
A master baiter.
A Java programmer and a swinger are talking.
The swinger says, “Yeah, so, I don’t like calling them my private parts because…y’know…lots of people that aren’t me see them.”
The Java programmer asks, “Okay, so what do you call them then?”
The swinger answers, “Well, at first I thought I’d call them my public parts, but then I realized that that’s not quite right either. I don’t exactly leave them hangin’ out on the bus for the whole world to see. So eventually I decided to call them my protected parts.”
The Java programmer looks aghast and exclaims, “You sicko! People like you disgust me!” before storming out of the room.
What does a French person call a soldier with no hands in battle?
‘Armless!
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What’s a plastic surgeon’s favorite rock song?
“We Built These Titites!”
What did the Lion say, when he lost the race?
“You cheetah!”
A woman arrives at a party.
She sees a good-looking guy standing alone, so she goes up to him and says, “Hi, my name is Carmen.”
“That’s a nice name,” said the man “Is it a family name?”
“No,” said the woman “I gave it to myself as it represents the two things I like the most, cars and men. What’s your name?”
The man smiles and says, “BJ t*ts and golf!”
What’s the difference between a fridge and a b*tthole?
A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
The guy will actually search for a golf ball.
What’s the difference between your nose and your best friend?
Nobody bats an eye when you blow your nose.
The doctor’s talking to a man about his wife’s lab results.
Doctor: “Unfortunately, we mixed up your wife’s results with those of another woman.”
Man: “What?!”
Doctor: “Yeah. And here’s the worst part: one result came up positive for Alzheimer’s, the other for AIDS.”
Man: “Oh no! What do I do now?”
Doctor: “Drop off your wife a couple of miles from your house. If she comes home, don’t f*ck her.”
What’s worse than finding dad’s p*rn in the attic?
Finding mom’s p0rn on P0rnHub.
What’s long and hard that a new Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name.
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What’s the similarity between a p0rn film and a horror film?
An unknown person knocks the door and everyone gets f*cked!
What do you call denying your partner the mile high club?
Not giving a flying f*ck.
What is the speed limit of sex?
68, because at 69 you gotta flip her.
What do you call a group of armed fishes?
A sch00l sh00ting.
Do you have an adult joke? Write down your funniest adult jokes in the comment section below!
