New Zealanders, affectionately known as Kiwis, are the champions of living on an island that’s both stunningly beautiful and seemingly designed to test human survival skills with its array of unique wildlife. These folks have mastered the art of staying chill while living next door to more sheep than people, and where the local birds, like the infamous Kiwi, seem to have forgotten how to fly. Kiwis are known for their laid-back attitude, love for rugby, and an accent that can turn six fish and chips into ‘sux fush and chups.’ It’s this unique blend of nature, culture, and vowel sounds that sets the perfect stage for New Zealand jokes.
New Zealand jokes are as unique and endearing as the country itself. They often revolve around the quirks of living in a place where you’re as likely to meet a hobbit as you are a sheep. These jokes capture the essence of Kiwi life, from the never-ending quest to explain to the world that, no, they are not part of Australia, to the challenges of explaining the local dialect. New Zealand jokes are a celebration of the country’s scenic beauty, the laid-back lifestyle, and of course, their uncanny ability to beat Australia in just about any sport. For Kiwis, humor is a way to embrace their identity, enjoy the lighter side of life, and share a good-natured laugh about the unique aspects of living in the land of the long white cloud.
Best NZ Jokes
What happens when a New Zealander leaves for Australia?
It increases the IQ of both countries.
What’s the difference between a Kiwi and an Aussie?
One’s a soft, hairy fruit the others a Kiwi.
What is the difference between New Zealand and the United States?
In New Zealand, the sheep have four legs.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Statue.
(Statue who?)
Stat-tue bro?
What did one cat say to the other cat?
“You look like me ow!”
What is green and goes down a mountain?
A ‘ski-wi.’
How does a kiwi find a sheep in the long grass?
Irresistible.
Why do racehorses of New Zealand run so fast?
They saw what happened to the sheep.
Where do you go when the tides in at Red Beach?
Browns Bay.
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, “…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?”
“New Zealand, sir,” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave New Zealand?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.”
“Is that right?” replied the manager. “My wife is from New Zealand!”
“Really?” replied the boy. “Who did she play for?”
What’s the Maori version of Silence of the Lambs?
“Shaddup Ewes.”
What do you call a Frenchman wearing jandals?
Phillipe Phillop.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Kiwi.
(Kiwi who?)
Kiwi go to the place Down Under?!
Have you been to Maraetai?
It’s right next to my left eye.
How does a Jewish Kiwi answer the phone?
“Hebrew.”
What do you call a bull with no legs?
A ranch slider.
There are two friends from New Zealand.
One says to the other, “Mate, what’s a Hindu?”
His friend answers, “Lays eggs mate.”
Want to hear a joke about Kerikeri?
Nevermind, it doesn’t Matamata.
What’s the NZ name for fools gold?
Not even AU.
Recommended: Australian Jokes
Why is Wellington so windy?
Because Auckland sucks.
What do you call a lizard from New Zealand who is extremely muscular?
A ripped-tile.
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?” So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels great! No hangover! No bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?” Dave says, “I feel great, how about you?” Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?” Dave says, “No that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..”
“Yeah, well there’s just one thing,” says Jim.
“What’s that?” asks Dave.
“Have you farted yet?”
“No,” replies Dave.
“Well, Don’t cause I’m in New Zealand.”
What do you call a Kiwi Churro?
A ChurBro.
What do you get if you cross a Fantail with an Ewok?
A Ewokawaka.
What did the Maori guy say to the car door?
“Tena koutou, car door.”
How does a kiwi santa say hello?
“Bro! Bro! Bro!”
An Australian, an American, and a New Zealander are enjoying some beer in Saudi Arabia even though it is against the law to drink alcohol there. They are captured by the Sheik and are sentenced to death until his wife runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. She glances at the New Zealander and whispers some more.
The sheik steps forward and announces, “Because it is my wife’s birthday today, she has asked that I spare your lives, on the following terms. You will each get 20 lashes but will receive one wish before you do. However, since my wife and I admire New Zealand’s beautiful countryside, we will allow the New Zealander two wishes.”
The Australian is up first and asks for a pillow to be tied to his back. However, after the first few lashes, the pillow breaks. Then, the American asks for Two pillows to be tied to his back. Again, they break after but five lashes. Finally, the New Zealander steps forward. “First,” he says, “I would like to be given 40 lashes, not 20.” The sheik is confused at first, and then asks, “And…your second wish?”
“Tie the Aussie to my back.”
Do you know that New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep?
Meat and wool.
What do you call a bumblebee from New Zealand?
Pollen-esian.
Recommended: Maori Jokes
What is a New Zealander’s favorite love song?
“I can’t help falling in love with ewe..”
Three New Zealanders and three Australians are at a train station.
The Aussies notice that the Kiwis only bought 1 train ticket between the three of them.
“How exactly do you three plan on traveling with one ticket?” one asked.
“None of your business, mate,” said one of the Kiwis.
Skeptical, the Aussies watched them as they boarded the train, to see the three of them walk into the toilet and shut the door.
The ticket collector came into the carriage and seeing the closed bathroom door, started knocking impatiently.
Out came a single hand holding the ticket. The Aussies watched, impressed, as he continued into the next carriage.
The very next morning, the three kiwi’s noticed the Aussies had arrived first, and stood on the edge of the platform eagerly, with just one ticket.
“Thanks for the trick, mate!” sneered one of them.
“Happy to help mate! We thought of a new trick, we’re going to get to work without even buying one ticket!”
The Aussies shook their heads in dismissal, hopped on the train, and immediately rushed into the toilet.
“Well, what are we going to do now,” asked one of the other Kiwis.
“Don’t worry, just follow me,” said the one who had spoken to the Aussies.
He strolled onto the train, walked over to the closed bathroom door, and started knocking.
Why do New Zealanders always do well at rowing?
Because it combines the two things they are best at, sitting down, and going backward.
What do you call 2 Maori on Prozac?
Once were worriers.
How do you tell the difference between an Australian and a New Zealander?
One’s got a smooth pair down under and the other has some hairy kiwis.
Two Kiwis – Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.
Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said, “Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair.”
Trevor says to his pal, “Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.”
“Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Jist lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie ixcint.”‘
“No worries,” smiled Jeanette, “I’ll keep my mouth shut.”
They go in and Trevor says, “I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…”
The owner of the shop interrupts, “You’re from New Zealand, aren’t you?”
“Well… Yis,” says a surprised Trevor. “How the hill dud you know thet?”
The owner says, “This is a dry cleaners!”
What do you call a kiwi on a roller coaster?
A kiweeeeeeee!
Why was the New Zleander horrified when his friends started eating a fruit salad in front of him?
Because he was a kiwi.
Do you know that New Zealand is one of the remotest countries in the world?
In fact, on average, they have about five remotes per household.
A Fijian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when a New Zealand tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him.
The Fijian politely ignored the New Zealander, who, never the less started up a conversation. The New Zealander snapped his gum and said, “You Fijian folks eat the whole bread?”
The Fijian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, “Of course.”
The New Zealander blew a huge bubble. “We don’t. In New Zealand, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect, recycle them, and transform them into croissants and sell them to Fiji.”
The New Zealander had a smirk on his face. The Fijian listened in silence.
The New Zealander persisted. “D’ya eat jam with the bread?”
Sighing the Fijian replied, “Of course.”
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Kiwi said, “We don’t. In New Zealand, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell them to Fiji.”
The Fijian then asked, “Do you have sex in New Zealand?” The New Zealander smiled and said, “Why of course we do.” The Fijian leaned closer to him and asked, “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”
“We throw them away, of course.” says the New Zealander.
Now it was the Fijian’s turn to smile.
“We don’t. In Fiji, we recycle them, we put them in a container, melt them down into chewing gum, and sell them to New Zealand. Why do you think it’s called Wrigleys?”
What do you call an awkward guy living in New Zealand?
An Awklander.
What do you call an 80’s kid’s TV show host from New Zealand?
Kiwi Herman.
What is a New Zealander’s favorite book?
50 Shades of Graze.
An American, an Aussie, and a Kiwi were sitting around a campfire telling stories one night. The American says, “I’m so tough, one time I was crossing a stream and a 12-foot grizzly bear that was fishing for trout attacked me. I wrestled with that bear for three hours before I finally was able to draw my knife and kill it.”
“That’s nothing!” says the Aussie. “I’m so tough, one time I got stranded in the outback with nothing but a copy of the local paper. Three days later I rode out on an emu using a bridle made entirely of snakes.”
Both of them looked expectantly at the Kiwi, but he said nothing, he just sat there, leaning back, quietly stoking the fire with his penis.
What do you call a Maori at the post office?
Their name, you f*cking racist.
What’s white and f*cks Kiwis?
Mt Erebus.
An Aussie and a Kiwi are sitting at a pub, downing a few beers, after a game of rugby.
The Kiwi turns to the Aussie and says, “Bro, if I shagged your wife over a railing and got her pregnant, would it make us related?”
To which the Aussie replies, “Dunno, mate, but I do know it’ll make us even.”
What’s 12 inches long and hangs in front of a c**t?
Winston Peter’s Tie.
Why can’t New Zealand men tell you how many sexual partners they’ve had?
Cause every time they try counting, they fall asleep.
An Aussie farmer catches his New Zealander neighbor going to town on one of his sheep, and says, “Ya know mate, ‘ere in Australia, we shear the Sheep.”
To which, the New Zealander replies, “This ‘ere’s my sheep, and I ain’t shearing ‘er with no one!”
In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand by using sheep’s lower intestine.
Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.
What’s a male Jewish New Zealanders pronouns?
He/Brew.
Recommended: Funny Pronouns Jokes
What do you call a gay person from New Zealand?
A kiwi fruit.
Do you know why cliff side property in NZ is so expensive?
The sheep ‘back up’. Really hard!
A New Zealand man wants to have lots of kids.
“Would you have a baby with me?” he asks his wife.
“Of course!”
“Would you have two with me?” he asks.
After a pause, she says, “Yeah that sounds like a good number.”
“How about four? Would you have four with me?”
She thinks harder this time. “I suppose four wouldn’t be so bad.”
Encouraged, he asks, “Would you have six with me?”
“Well, how the hell else are we going to get all these kids?”
Where were most New Zealanders on 9/11?
9/12.
How do you find the kiwi in a shoe shop?
He’s the guy masturbating at the ugg boot stand.
How do you know if the wool in your socks came from New Zealand?
They’ve already got cum stains before you open the package.
What do you call a New Zealander with multiple girlfriends?
A shepherd.
Do you have a better dad joke on New Zealand? Write down your own Kiwi jokes and puns in the comment section below!
Nothing ever happens in New Zealand…
It hippens.
A New Zealand man is sitting on his front steps as the rubbish truck comes up the street. The rubbish man says “bro where’s ya bin?” The man says “oh I been up North aye” Rubbish man says “nah where’s ya wheelie bin?”
Dejected, the man says “oh …. yeah nah I been in prison.”