Wrap your laughing gear around this if you’ve been Captain Cooking for the best Australian jokes on the internet. Aussie puns capture what makes Australia so amazing, delighting bogans, amusing sheilas, and making a chuckle or two out of drongos. Sure, they drink too much, their accents are terrible, and their sayings are illogical, but Australian humor is fundamentally fascinating.
This list is for all of you who admire as well as understand the humor and funny side of the people who live in the Southern Hemisphere of this Earth.
Funny Aussie Jokes
American: Where in Australia there isn’t something trying to kill you?
If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?
Ever heard of an Australian kiss?
It’s like a French kiss but down under.
The immigration official questioned a man about his criminal history when he traveled to Australia.
Confused, he replied, “Oh, is that still required?”
What’s the funniest fact about Australia?
Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs. It’s also their biggest import.
Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans?
Because Australia won the coin toss.
What do you know about this new IT guy from Australia?
He comes from a LAN down under.
What do you get if you remove Aluminium from Australia?
You get Austria.
Why was Jesus not born in Australia?
Because God could not find three wise men and a virgin.
How does every Aussie joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate.
A Texan farmer takes a vacation to Australia.
He visits an Australian farmer and strikes up a conversation with him. The Australian shows off his large wheat field, and the Texan remarks, “Oh! We have wheat fields at least double the size.”
Then they take a stroll around the ranch, and the Aussie shows them his herd of cattle. “We have longhorns that are at least twice as big as your cows,” the Texan adds right away.
Meanwhile, the Texan’s argument has almost come to a halt when he notices a flock of kangaroos jumping through the field. “And what are those?” he inquired.
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Did you hear about the Australian cooking show in which the audience started applauding when the chef made a meringue?
It’s shocking since usually Australians boo meringue.
How are women similar to continents?
From 13 to 18, she’s like Africa – virgin territory. From 18 to 30, she’s like Asia – hot and exotic. From 30 to 45, she’s like America – fully explored and free with her resources. From 45 to 55, she’s like Europe – exhausted, but not without places of interest. From 55 onwards, she’s like Australia – everybody knows it’s down there, but nobody cares.
What do you call a female thief in Australia?
Recommended: Aboriginal Jokes
Did you know Native Australians were the first to develop the six-pack muscle in their belly?
In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?
Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.
What’s the secret service of Australia called?
Two Indian men relocate to Australia.
When they depart, one of the Indians says to the other, “You know what? We’re both from India, but since we’re already in Australia, why not settle down? I mean, truly become true blue Aussies! Here’s my suggestion: we split apart for six months and attempt to absorb the culture. Then, after six months, we can hang out again, and to make things interesting, the most Australian among us gets a gets shouted a beer by the other, sound good?”
The other Indian guy agrees that this is a fantastic idea, and they separate ways.
Six months pass, and they finally meet in a local pub, as agreed. The first Pakistani man is convinced that he has won the bet and tells his friend, “Mate, I’ve got this one hands down. I’m as Aussie as it gets Cobba! I drive my Commodore down to the beach every week with a six pack of VBs in my esky and watch the footy religiously, I am as True Blue as it gets mate! ”
Another Indian guy just says, “Aww shut the fuck up ya currymuncher!”
What’s the only thing in Australia that won’t kill you?
Two men are playing chess in Australia.
One guy asks, “What’s your ethnicity?”
As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds, “Czech, mate.”
How can you tell when a jet landing in Australia is from England?
When the engines are turned off the whining continues.
Did you know that camels aren’t indigenous to Australia?
They were shipped there by the British. Oddly enough, so were the Australians.
Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard?
Because his Visa didn’t work.
Did you know that Aussies have gotten really good at one thing in tennis?
Returning a Serb.
After 50 years in Shanghai, a Chinese man decided to retire and relocate to Australia.
He purchased a little plot of land. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbor decided to cross the street and greet the newcomer to the neighborhood. He heads next door, but on his way up the driveway, he notices the Chinese man chasing approximately ten hens around his front yard.
Not wishing to disrupt these ‘Chinese customs,’ he chooses to postpone the welcome for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he notices the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it through the window. He chooses to postpone the welcome for another day so as not to disrupt another ‘Chinese custom.’
A day later, he decides to give it one more shot, but on his way next door, he notices a Chinese man bringing a bull down the driveway,… pauses…., and then places his left ear near the bull’s butt.
The Australian can’t take it anymore, so he confronts the Chinese man and says, “What’s the deal with your Chinese customs, Mate? I came over to greet you to the neighborhood and witness you chasing hens around the yard. The following day you’re pissing in a glass and drinking it, and now you’re so near to that bull’s buttocks that it may sh1t on you.”
The Chinese man is surprised and adds, “Sorry, sir, you don’t understand, they are not… Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.”
“What do you mean mate’ says the Aussie, “Those aren’t Australian customs.”
“Yes they are, the man at the travel agent told me,” replied the Chinese man. “He says to become true Australian, I must learn to….. chase chicks,….. get piss drunk, and …. listen to bull-sh1t.”
How is it called in Australia, when they need to restart the song from the beginning at the club?
A DJ redo.
How do they say ‘Happy New Year’ in Australia?
ɹɐǝ⅄ ʍǝN ʎddɐH.
Did y’all hear about the new Transgender rights they passed in Australia?
Not sure of the details, but there’s a lot of changes happening Down Under.
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Which prison has the best food?
What do you call a Namekian from Australia?
A gecko lizard is traveling through the Australian bush, heading for a drink in the river.
On his walk, he comes across a koala smoking a joint in a gum tree and stops to chat.
“Gidday, mate. What exactly are you doing?”
The koala adds, “Come up and join me as I smoke a joint. It’s bloody awesome gear!”
So the gecko goes up and sits next to the koala, sharing a joint. After a while, the gecko says his mouth is really dry and he’s going to drink from the river.
The gecko is so stoned that he leans too far over the riverside and falls in. He begins to float away as the current becomes pretty strong. When a crocodile notices this, he swims over to the stoned gecko and helps him in return to the beach.
“What’s the matter with you?” he asks the lizard.
The gecko reveals to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree with his new koala friend, smoking a joint. He then told how his mouth became dry and how he was so drunk that he fell into the river when he tried to get a drink!
The curious crocodile insists on seeing the stoned koala for himself. He walks into the jungle and finds the koala, who is sitting at the fork of a gum tree, smoking a joint.
“Hey, Koala, do you have any more of that grass?” says the crocodile.
The koala looks down and says “Dude, fcukkk… how much water did you drink?”
Why shouldn’t you confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie?
One’s a soft, hairy fruit and the other’s a Kiwi.
What’s the difference between and Aussie and a Yoghurt?
If you leave a yoghurt out in the sun for 200 years, it will develop a culture.
What do you say to an Aussie that ran out of toilet paper?
An Aussie goes to the doctor.
Doctor: What’s the matter?
Patient: Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my arse.
Doctor: How’s that? (Howzat)
Patient: Don’t you start.
An Australian with two bad eyes may not be the best at making you feel good.
But an Aussie with one good eye might!
A father and kid from Germany visited an Australian zoo.
So, when the small kid arrived, he pointed to the first animal he saw. “Daddy, what is this animal called?” he inquired, staring at a kangaroo.
“Well, my son, this animal is called a dangerou and it lives mostly in Australia,” dad explained.
When the son looked around, he noticed a lion standing on a hill. His eyes glowed, and he yelled, “Dad, that’s amazing! What type of creature is that?!”
“This is the king of the jungle, and it’s called a dangerou,” the father explained.
They were startled to hear the sound of an elephant nearby. They moved in closer, and the son said, “We don’t have these enormous creatures in Germany, right, Daddy? What is its name?”
“Correct, son, this animal is one of the largest in the world, and it’s called a dangerou,” father said.
“But dad, weren’t the other creatures also called dangerou?” the small kid said.
“Correct again!” father said. “You still have a lot to learn little boy, but once you understand the English language, you can read the signs saying, ‘All animals are dangerous.’”
What do Australia and Atlantis have in common?
They both live down under.
Where do Aussies keep their drug stash?
What did the Aussie say when he turned 8?
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels great since there was no hangover, no bad side effects, and nothing. Then the phone rings. It’s Jim.
Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Dave says, “I feel great, how about you?”
Jim replies, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
Dave says, “No that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..”
“Yeah, well there’s just one thing.”
“Have you farted yet?”
“Well, don’t – cause I’m in New Zealand,” replied Jim.
What do Aussie bass strings say?
What’s the difference between an Aussie and an arsehole?
An arsehole can’t go out for a night on the piss and make an Aussie of itself.
What do Aussies call their best friends?
A prime mate.
What do you call a self-contradictory idiot from Australia?
A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a gameshow on TV. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word “Timbuktu”. It’s a city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
“I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu … “
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his poem:
“When Tim and I to Brisbane went We met three ladies cheap to rent. But they were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two …”
What does a pissed off Aussie have for Sunday lunch?
Rack off lamb.
Did you know Australians don’t have sex?
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Why couldn’t the Australian general win the war on bread?
Because it was stale, mate.
How does an Australian greet his toilet?
God is building the earth, and he tells the Canadians, “You will have the best land ever. It is lovely; it is pleasant in the summer and snows gorgeous snowflakes in the winter. It is known as Canada. You will be prosperous and well-fed for the rest of your life.”
He then grabs the Australians and tells them, “I give you Australia. You’re alone, and the land is desolate. You will be working every day for very little pay. It will be rough, but it will harden you. You will struggle, but you will call it home.”
“This is so unfair, why do the Canadians get good land and prosperity and we just get the rough land, the scraps!” say the Australians.
“They do,” He says. However, I did not inform the Canadians about their neighbors.”
If Chris Hemsworth is from Australia and Thor is from space….!
Then that makes Chris an Australian and Thor an Australien.
Why are Australian dad jokes the best?
Because they are koala tea.
An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.
He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asked the doctor, “Did I come here to die?”
The doctor replied, “Nah, mate, you came here yesterday.”
What was Australia as a nation founded on?
What do you call an Australian Soap show about horses?
A husband and wife went on their honeymoon to Australia, but he had to call the helpline number. “Hello, my name is Tim, and you’ve reached the Aussie helpline. How can we assist you?”
The husband informed him, “My wife was stung on her lady parts by a jellyfish while we were in the ocean. Her vag has totally swelled shut. It’s our honeymoon, and…well, ya know.”
“Ah, bummer mate!” says the man on the phone.
The husband replies, “I hadn’t thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You’ve saved my honeymoon!”
Why is it difficult to understand time zones?
How is it possible that in Europe it is today? In Australia it is tomorrow. And in Alabama, it is 1890?
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What do you call an Australian Furry?
An Aussie cowboy is riding his horse in Montana and notices an American cowboy banging a sheep that’s got its head stuck in the fence.
The American notices the stranger and with a smirk asks “Hey there fella, wanna give it a go?” The Austrlian replies, “Oy mate, I sure do !”
Soon, the Aussie jumps off his horse and gets his head stuck in the fence.
How do you get a job at an Australian zoo?
You show them your Koala-fications!
Why do birds fly upside-down over Australia?
Cos Aussies ain’t worth shitting on.
Three Aussie guys, Gazza, Bazza and Wozza, were working on a high-rise building in Woolloomooloo. Unfortunately, Gazza falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bazza says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”
Wozza says, “Okay, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”
What is a happy Australian’s favourite emoji?
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bazza says, “Where did you get that, Wozza?” “Gazza’s wife gave it to me.”
Bazza adds, “That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”
“Well not exactly,” Wozza said. “When she answered the door, I said to her ‘ You must be Gazza’s widow’ to which she said ‘No, I’m not a widow.’”
And I said, “I’ll bet you a case of Beer you are.”
What did the Australian sheep say?
“I come from a lamb down unda.”
An Aussie and a Kiwi are sitting at a pub, downing a few beers, after a game of rugby.
The Kiwi turns to the Aussie and says, “Bro, if I shagged your wife over a railing and got her pregnant, would it make us related?”
To which the Aussie replies, “Dunno, mate, but I do know it’ll make us even.”
Have you heard of the new Australian earphones that let everyone down?
They were noice-cancelling.
Several years ago, the United Kingdom funded a study to discover why the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft.
The research spanned two years and cost more than 1.2 million pounds. According to the study, the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to deliver him more pleasure during intercourse.
Following the publication of the findings, France decided to perform their own investigation on the same topic. They were certain that the British study’s findings were flawed.
The French experts found after three years of research at a cost of more than two million Euros that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the French study’s findings were made public, Australia decided to perform its own study since it had little faith in British or French studies.
So, the Aussie study was completed after about three hours of intensive investigation and a cost of around $75 (three cases of beer).
They concluded that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
What is the Australian dynamite’s favorite pie?
What sound does an Australian doorbell make?
Two window cleaners are working at the airport building.
“I need to pee, let’s come down,” one of them adds.
“Just piss from here, dude.”
“However, there are people down there.”
“Have you noticed the fountain? No one will notice if you lean down and aim right there.”
“No way, I’m going to fall down.”
“Don’t worry, man, I’ll grab your galluses.”
So he shoots into the fountain and performs the deed, but the second man sneezes and loosens his grip, and the first man collapses like a sack of shit.
Several months later, three ladies are in a cafe discussing men.
The first one says, “I’ll tell you what, the most thirsty males are Italians. When I was there on vacation, I couldn’t move without being hit on!”
Another lady says, “Mexicans, not Italians. Every second, these sweaty hairy manly males undress you with their eyes!”
The third says, “That is nothing in comparison to Australia. I was there last year. I notice something dripping from above as soon as I exit the airport building. I raise my head and see a man flying towards me, pants down, both hands on his dick, screaming, “CUUUUUNNNT!”
Why did the Australian dog have no answer when he was asked if the party was good?
Because he dingo.
What kind of clothes are made with Australian goose feathers?
Down Under wear.
Have a better joke for Australians or Australia? Post your Down Under puns and roasts in the comments below.