60 Funny Wine Jokes For When You Really Need A Drink

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Jessica Amlee


For those of you who appreciate the finer things in life, like a well-aged Cabernet or a crisp Chardonnay, we’ve put together a collection of wine jokes that are just as delightful. Our blog is a veritable vineyard of humor, where we harvest the funniest and wittiest wine jokes that perfectly pair with your love for vino.

Whether you’re a budding sommelier, a wine enthusiast, or someone who enjoys a good laugh, these jokes will hit just the right notes. So, pour yourself a glass of your favorite wine, sit back, and let the humor flow as freely as the finest Bordeaux. Let’s embark on this laughter-infused journey because after all, wine not?!

Best Wine Jokes

What’s a horse’s favorite wine?

Why did the wine maker have a nervous breakdown?
He just couldn’t bottle it up any longer.

One day, a man found $20 on the street on his way home. As a good Christian, he thought, “What would Jesus do?”
So he turned it into wine.

Yo mama so entitled, people call her the grape because she always wines about everything.

What’s the most you‘ve spent on a nice bottle of wine?
About 15 minutes.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Wine who?)
Wine dont you like these jokes!

Did you hear about the drunk who started telling people about the benefits of dried grapes?
It’s all about raisin awareness.

What if someone could just reverse the process of making wine?
That would be grape.

How do you apologize to a wine connoisseur?

What kind of dinosaur writes reviews of wine?
The connoisaur.

Why did the bodybuilder pour wine on his stomach rather than drink it?
He was trying to abstain from alcohol.

What is the name of the best wine shop in town?
Best cellar.

How do you make rice wine cold?
Remove the “r.”

Restaurant patron: Waiter, I’d like a bottle of wine.
Waiter: What year, sir?
Patron: Well, I’d like it right now.

Did you hear about the wine they made from a tire?
Apparently, it was a goodyear.

Recommended: Drunk Jokes

Do you know that Grapes don’t cry when they’re crushed?
But they do wine!

What is an ape’s favorite wine?

What do you call a hangover from too much wine?
The Wrath of Grapes.

Why did the woman buy new wine glasses?
Because the ones she was using made everything blurry.

A priest was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.
The cop smelled alcohol on the priest’s breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said to the priest, “Father, have you been drinking?”
The priest replied, “Only water, officer.”
The cop then asked him, “Then why can I smell wine?”
The priest looked at the bottle and said, “Good Lord! He’s done it again.”

What do you call wine that comes in a box?

What’s the most popular wine at the Thanksgiving table?
“But muuummm, I don’t wanna eat my Brussel sprouts!”

Why do rich people drink wine straight from the bottle?
Because they can’t pour.

What wine does The Fonz drink?

How do you make an Italian wine?
You kick him in the shins.

A woman was strolling down the street when she was approached by a homeless woman who requested two dollars for meals.
“If I give you this money, will you buy some wine instead of dinner?” the woman asked, taking out her wallet and withdrawing ten dollars.
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” said the homeless woman.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” inquired the lady.
“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” responded the homeless woman. “I need to spend all of my time just trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” inquired the woman.
“Are you NUTS!” exclaimed the homeless lady. “I haven’t had my hair done in at least 20 years!”
“Well,” the woman replied, “I’m not going to give you the money.” Instead, I’m taking you out to dinner tonight with my husband and myself.”
The homeless woman was taken aback. “Won’t your husband be enraged if you do that?” I know I’m filthy, and I probably stink quite bad.”
The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.”

What’s Leonardo DiCaprio’s least favorite kind of wine?

Which sparkling wine hurts like hell?
Champagne (chamPAIN).

What do you call a fusion alcohol drink with Japanese wine and Viagra?
For Fuck’s Sake.

A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.
“Um, we don’t serve beer.”
Slightly miffed, the law student says, “Pint of cider then?”
“Yeah, we don’t have any cider either.”
“Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?” asks the law student, infuriated.
“No sir, we don’t. Now please take your seat, the bar exam starts in one minute.”

What type of wine do traders drink?

What do you call wine that has been salvaged from a broken bottle?

What do you call a wine hungover?
The grape depressing.

What’s the most honest kind of wine?
Virginia wine. (Try saying it out loud a couple times – Virginia wine, Vir giniawine, Vir genuine).

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

Why does communion wine need to be watered down?
Because it is consecrated.

What do you do if an alcoholic wants more alcohol?
Tell them to quit their wine ing.

What do you call wine infused with spicy peppers?

Two nuns were shopping in a grocery store when they happened to walk by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One of them asked the other if she wanted a beer. The second nun responded that while it would be lovely to have one, she would be hesitant to purchase one. The first nun said that she would manage it with ease. She selected a six-pack and proceeded to the cashier. The clerk was taken aback, but the nun explained, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, “The curlers are on me.”

Recommended: Beer Jokes

What do you call it when someone is forced to drink a lot of wine?
Water Bordeauxed.

What kind of bridge is made out of wine?
A Chianti-lever bridge.

How do you tell if a priest acts as a birthday-clown in his spare time?
The wine tastes funny.

A girl walks into a bar and orders a bottle of wine.
After she downs most of the bottle she tries to get the bartender’s attention. “I used to be grapes!” she announces loudly.
“What?” the confused bartender asks.
“I’m sorry,” she apologizes. “That must have been the wine talking.”

What do you call an East African prince who’s also a wine snob?
A sommelier Somali heir.

Why are women easier to deal with after some red wine?
Because it’s served from a decunter.

In the middle of the night, the owner of a wine shop receives a phone call. “It’s kind of an emergency,” a slightly panicked voice on the other end asks. “When will your shop be open?”
“I just closed half an hour ago,” the owner says exasperatedly. As a result, it will not open until tomorrow morning.”
Sometime later, the owner is awakened by another call, “How long till you open? My requirement is urgent,” says the same, somewhat drunken voice. “I told you, it won’t open until morning,” the slightly perplexed owner responds.
A few hours later, “When will your shop open?” shouts a drunk voice. The owner, now at the cusp of righteous wrath, shouts back, “You shit! I told you in the morning! And you don’t sound like you need any wine by the way your night’s been going, anyway.”
A slightly puzzled, but heavily intoxicated voice replies, “I’ve plenty of wine. What I need is a way out of your shop.”

What is the difference between fine wine and fine women?
Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from your cellar.

Recommended: National Wine Day Memes

What’s the difference between a French wine and a Brazilian wine?
Not much but the Brazilian has better legs.

What’s wine, women, and song to a sailor?
Rum, bum and mouth organ.

After a successful harvest, a farmer decides to treat his wife to a barrel of wine.
He carries it home and places it outside their cottage to commemorate his and his wife’s accomplishment.
The next day, the farmer wakes to find the barrel is now only half full, but they’d only had a few glasses each. Furious about the thievery, he posts a sign saying, “This wine belongs to Farmer Joe. Thieves will be shot.”
Satisfied, he and his wife continue their celebration that evening. But the next morning, the barrel is down to a quarter full and the farmer is incensed. His wife says, “Honey, you’re going about this all wrong.” She makes a new sign that says, “Piss barrel. Do not drink!” The farmer smiles at her cleverness, confident no one in their right mind would steal from the barrel.
The next morning, the farmer goes to check the contents and hopes he didn’t lose any more wine.
And finds the barrel full again.

Why do Japanese Christians offer rice wine to Jesus?
For Christ’s sake.

Where does a wine buyer get his wine?
From a wine seller.

Do you know if a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%?
Let her finish the bottle and she’ll probably suck it as well.

What does a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?
Jesus can make them both wine.

What is the difference between a $200 wine and a $20 wine?

Recommended: Anti Jokes

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Jesus was made into bread and wine,
But Hitler could make toast out of a Jew.

What’s the most popular red wine??
“We want our land back!”

What’s the most popular white wine?
“They took our jobs!”

We’ve had our share of fun and now it’s your turn! Do you have a hilarious wine joke that you’re itching to share? Drop them in the comments below, let’s keep the laughter flowing like fine wine!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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