99 Funny Drunk Jokes for High Spirits and Hearty Laughs

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Jessica Amlee


Ever notice how ‘drink responsibly’ never sounds fun? It’s like saying, ‘Enjoy your day at the amusement park, but don’t go on any rides.'” With this in mind, our collection of drunk jokes navigates the funny side of spirited adventures, while underscoring the significance of responsible drinking and the avoidance of drunk driving.

Capturing the hilarity and high spirits of a night out, our assemblage of drunk puns and one-liners is bound to keep you laughing. Whether you’ve got a penchant for punchlines or a fondness for funny stories, we’ve got just the right mix of humor to quench your thirst. So, ready your laughter and prepare your funny bone, because these jokes are coming in stronger than a double shot of tequila!

Best Drunk Jokes

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?
A lyft. Friends don’t let friends drive drunk.

How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool?
You say “Please get out of the pool.”

Do you know that a lion would never drive while drunk?
But a tiger wood.

What’s a funny drunk pick up line?
“Damn girl, are you a parked car? Because I would have to be drunk as f*ck to hit that.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Olive who?)
I love you too, but we should talk about this when you don’t sound so drunk.

You’re riding a horse full speed. There’s a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?
Get your drunk a$$ off the carousel.

Did you hear about the drunkard who told himself he need to stop drinking so much?
But he thought, “I’m not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself.”

Why are ghosts always drunk?
They’re full of booooooos.

A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by and sees what the German is doing and says, “Gross!”
The German says, “Danke!”

How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screenshots.

What do you call a crab that walks in a straight line?

Yo mama so drunk, she’d clung to the grass to keep herself from falling off the earth.

Did you hear about the neighbor who got drunk last night and threw up in the elevator?
It was disgusting on so many levels.

What do vampires drink to get drunk?

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.
“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.”
“How does it work?”
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake, you asshole…it’s 3:30 in the god damn morning!”

How do you tell drunk drivers from stoned drivers?
Drunk drivers run stop signs. Stoned drivers stop and wait for them to turn green.

Recommended: Stoner Jokes

Did you hear about the wife who said she wanted to be treated like a princess?
So the husband got drunk and drove through a tunnel.

What do a marine biologist and a drunk girl have in common?
They’re both worried about the seal!

What do you call a drunk belt?

Three drunk guys get into a taxi.
The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said, “We’ve arrived.”
The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway “What was that for?”
“Control your speed next time! You nearly killed us!”

How many beers does it take to get a German scientist drunk?
Ein stein.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Philip who?)
Philip up my glass I’m thirsty!

What do you call an argument between two drunks after last call?
A spirited debate.

Yo mama so drunk, the bartender told her she’s had enough before she could buy a drink.

Where do sheep get drunk in Boston?
At the baaaaa.

Mom: Why don’t you talk to Ethan anymore, you used to be best friends?
Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs, and was drunk all the time?
Mom: No, Never!
Son: Well neither would he!

Recommended: Drugs Jokes

Why do artists rarely get drunk?
They know when to draw the line.

What drink gets a plant drunk?
Root beer.

A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”
The guy sitting next to him says, “Whoa, easy there buddy.”
The drunk says, “Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m a thief,” says the guy.

What do you tell a drunk man if he asks, “Is life worth living?”
“Well, it depends on the liver.”

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Kerry who?)
Kerry me home, I’m too drunk to walk.

What do you call somebody that has drunk too much whisky?
Johnnie Stumbler.

Did you know that when you’re drinking beer, the beer is also getting drunk?
Think about it!

One night, a man came home really drunk and his wife wasn’t happy at all.
“How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at him.
“Nothing,” he slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
The husband paused for a second while he thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

What do you call a drunk astronaut?
Buzzed Litebeer.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.
The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, “Holy sh*t, you’re so drunk, you can’t even walk!”
The drunk says “No sh*t, that’s why I took my car!”

Why are huskies always drunk?
Because whine runs in their blood!

Why did the drunk Mexican kick his girlfriend off a cliff?

Recommended: Tequila Jokes

At the bar the other night when the bartender yelled out, “Does anyone here know CPR?”
John was feeling pretty good so I yelled back, “I do, in fact, I know the whole alphabet!” Everybody in the entire bar laughed except for one guy.

A man saw his wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV, “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching their wedding video again.

Why do monkeys go to playgrounds to get drunk?
Because of all the monkey bars.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.
His wife is livid. “You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”
“No,” slurs the mathematician. “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

Why do bouncers throw violent drunks out the back door?
Because they belong behind bars.

Where do crooks go to get drunk?
To the crow-bar.

A very drunk man in a bar orders another scotch. The bartender says, “You’re too drunk, Jimmy, go home.
Jimmy says, “Fine, I’ll take my business elsewhere,” and walks out.
A few minutes later he walks back in and says, “I’ll have a scotch.”
The bartender says, “Jimmy, I told you. You’re too drunk. Go home.”
Jimmy says, “Fine, I’ll take my business elsewhere,” and walks out.
A few minutes later he walks back in and says, “I’ll have a scotch.”
The bartender says, “Jimmy, for the last time. You’re too drunk. Go home.”
Jimmy says, “Fine, I’ll take my business elsewhere,” and walks out.
A few minutes later he walks back in, stops at the door, stares at the bartender, and says, “God damn it! How many bars do you work at?”

What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi.

A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking and molesting women.”
The drunk says “Great! Let’s get started.”

Recommended: Wine Jokes

What did the full glass of water say to the empty glass of water?
“You look drunk.”

A son asks his dad, “Dad, what it is like to be drunk?”
The dad replies, “Well son, you see those two cars ahead of you. A drunk man would see four of them.”
To that the son replies, “But dad, I can see only one car.”

What’s the worst time to be drunk?
When you’re a drink.

Why did the cop arrest the drunk when he refused to sleep it off?
Because he was resisting a rest.

What do drunk rabbits like?

Two whales are in the ocean, and one whale says to the other, “OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO…ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo…oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO…oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo…OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOo….
To which the other replied, “Shut up, Frank. You’re drunk.”

What do you call a drunk coffee?

How do you know that alcohol is gay?
Because when you’re drunk, you can’t think straight.

Where do drunk sea flowers go?
Alcoholics Anemones.

After a night of drinking, a man awakens to find a single red rose on his bedside table.
A glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife are beside the rose. “Hi honey, the pills are for your headache,” the note says. Come down to the kitchen when you’re ready, and I’ll make your favorite breakfast. “I adore you!”
He also realizes that he is still wearing the same clothing he was wearing the night before, which isn’t particularly comfy.
He enters the kitchen to see his wife cheerfully humming to herself and dancing around in her apron. When she sees her husband, she dances up to him, gives him a love kiss, and tells him to “go wait in the dining room.” Breakfast will be served in a few minutes!”
So he walks to the dining room and waits. The man’s son is also present. “Hey, do you know what’s up with Mom?” he asks quietly to his son.
The boy looked up and said, “Well Dad, do you remember coming home drunk last night? You were pretty out of it. You went upstairs and crawled into bed with Mom. Well, you were still in your jeans and shirt and mom didn’t think that was very comfortable so she decided to help you get undressed for bed. She couldn’t though, because every time she tugged on your shirt, you would push her away and yell ‘Get off me, lady! I’m married!'”

Why should you never go furniture shopping while drunk?
You could wake up to one nightstand.

Why do so many people hook up drunk?
Beauty must really be in the eye of the beerholder.

Did you hear about the university that did a study on how people walk when drunk?
The results were staggering.

A time traveler walks into a bar, but the bartender refuses to serve him.
“Why the hell not?” he asks.
“We don’t serve any time travelers here,” the bartender explains, “not since one got stinking drunk and trashed the place four years ago.”
“Four years ago, you say…”

What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?
Ask a glass of water.

What do you call a drunk nail?

Did you know that, technically, all beverages are alcoholic?
If they’re not getting drunk, then they’re getting wasted.

A Drunk man stumbles leaving a bar.
Once outside, he notices two priests crossing the street. He staggers up to the two priests and comes to a halt in front of them. “I’m Jesus Christ!” he declares confidently to the first priest.
The first priest shakes his head and says, “No, son, you’re not.”
“I’m Jesus Christ!” he declares again to the second priest. “No, son, you’re not,” says the second priest once more.
“Follow me, I’ll prove it to you!” ultimately exclaims the inebriated man. The two priests are intrigued as he walks back into the bar.
Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”

What do you call a drunk dinosaur?
A staggersaurus.

Did you hear about the tumor that got drunk at a bar?
Apparently, he was a growing problem until they cut him off.

What did the bicycle say to the drunk who fell off?
“You can’t handlebars!”

What do you call a dozen drunks in one place?
A 12-pack.

Three guys are drinking in a bar.
After some time, a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!” Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!” Finally, the guy interrupts. “Go home, dad, you’re drunk.”

Why are nails always drunk?
Cause they keep getting hammered.

How does a phone get drunk?
It takes screenshots.

How did the sniper get drunk even though he was nowhere near any alcohol?
It was those long distance shots.

A drunk driver is being interrogated.
Detective: Okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver: I don’t know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water.
Detective: Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver: NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective: well, I would have turned for the one guy
Driver: Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.

What’s a drunk rabbit been drinking?

What do you call a friend who’s only slightly drunk?
Bud Lite.

Why did the NFT get drunk?
Too many screenshots.

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.
The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.
The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.
“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma’am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”
“What’s that?” She asks suspiciously
“The bad news is your husband lost $20,000 to me playing poker.”
“What!” She screams. “I’m going to kill him!”
The drunk replies “Well, that’s the good news…”

What’s the difference between beer and weed?
Five drunk people will start a fight whereas five stoned people will start a band.

Recommended: Beer Jokes

How many beers does it take for tropical birds to get drunk?

What do you call a group of drunk state officials who make decisions?
A beeraucracy.

How does a drunk open his house?

A Chinese Drunk and a Jewish Drunk are sitting together on a park bench.
After finishing his drink the Jew takes his bottle and smashes it over the head of the Chinese drunk.
“What the hell was that for?” asked the Chinese man, rubbing his head.
“That was for Pearl Harbor!” replies the Jewish drunk.
“Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese! I’m Chinese!” he exclaims in return.
“Eh, Chinese, Japanese, Korean… you’re all the same to me,” the Jewish man explains as he gets up to leave.
The next day, the two drunks are back on the same park bench. The Chinese drunk suddenly takes his bottle and smashes it over the head of the Jew.
“Why the hell did you do that?” the Jewish man stammers.
“That was for the Titanic!” explains the Chinese drunk.
“The Titanic? What are you talking about? No one attacked it, it sunk when it hit an iceberg!” the Jew replies.
“Eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg…. you’re all the same to me,” the Chinese drunk happily retorts.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
They drunk coffee before it was cool.

What do you call a drunk doctor?
A bacardi-ologist.

Did you hear about the drunk doctor who does circumcisions?
He got the sack.

A man had been drinking at a bar all night and puked down the front of his shirt.
“Sh*t, I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me”
The bartender sees this and says, “Put a $20 bill in your pocket, and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”
So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies, “A drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning.”
To which his wife says, “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?”
“Because he also sh*t in my pants.”

What is the only between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?
One less drunk.

Recommended: Irish Jokes

What do you call a drunk Irishman on your front lawn?
Your father.

What do you call a drunk driving police officer?
Protect & Swerve.

Do you know what kids and drunk people have in common?
You don’t know when one of them is going to be a speed bump.

What does Pac-Man do to Mrs.Pac-Man when he’s drunk?
He takes his belt and goes wack-a wack-a wack-a wack-a.

Two guys decided to get drunk on top of the roof.
While climbing, one guy dropped the ladder, but the other assured him that coming down would not be an issue when they were drunk.
After having drunk for hours, they finally decided to try and get down. One guy saw a pile of human fertilizer and decided that landing on top of that would be their best’s option.
So he went first. The other waited for about a minute before asking “Well? How deep is it?”
He heard his friend say “Not so much, only up to my ankles” and decided to jump as well, only to find himself covered in shit all the way up to his neck.
He screamed bloody murder “Why did you say it’s only up to your ankles?”
To which the other replied “But I jumped head first”
What did Mario say when he found out he got drunk and had sex with a green mushroom?
“Well, I f*cked that one up.”

What do you call a drunk communist?
Hammered and sickled.

What piece of music gets you drunk?
Beethoven’s fifth.

Did you hear about the microphone checker that got really drunk?
He had one two one two one two many.

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. They get piss drunk. The giraffe passes out and the man turns to leave.
The bartender shouts at him, “Oy, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!”
The man turns and says, “It’s no lion, it’s a giraffe!”

What does a robot do when he comes home drunk?
He beats his WiFi.

Did you know that racists get drunk very quickly?
It’s because they have low tolerance.

How much rum does it take to make a pirate drunk?
A Galleon.

Do you have another funny drunk joke? Post your own drunk puns in the comment section below.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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