Harry Potter is about a boy who learns he’s a famous wizard, gets sent to a school where staircases move, ghosts chat, and exams are scarier than dark wizards. Between dodging trouble and fighting a villain who won’t quit, his life is pure chaos—perfect for Harry Potter jokes!
With spells misfiring, magical creatures causing havoc, and a professor who turns into a cat to avoid people, Hogwarts is a comedy goldmine. Even serious moments have something hilarious, whether it’s a spell gone wrong or Ron making bad choices. No wonder Harry Potter jokes never get old!
Best Harry Potter Jokes
If you take the first two letters of the title of each of the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
If Hermione was a mathematician what would her kids be named?
Hermitwo and Hermithree.
Voldemort: “So I just have to lie?”
Pinocchio: “Yep.”
Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road?
So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
How many Hogwarts students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Six.
One Slytherin to break it,
One Gryffindor to volunteer to climb the ladder and change it.
Three Hufflepuffs to hold the ladder to ensure the safety of the Gryffindor.
And that one Ravenclaw that points out that they could have just used magic.
I found the first four books of the Harry Potter series to be quite lighthearted.
But the fifth one—-dead Sirius.
Why doesn’t Snape teach herbology?
Because he sucks at keeping lilies alive.
How could Harry Potter be a great mafia boss?
He always catches the snitch.
What does the postman say to Harry Potter?
“Your aviso, Harry.”
How do the Peverell brothers greet each other?
“Hallow!”
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
You know…
(You know who?)
Yup! Avada Kedavra.
Harry Potter has way too many characters…
Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?
Because they are both cauldron.
What do you call Argus Filch after he throws his cat?
Chuck Norris.
What do Hogwarts students use to read PDF files?
They use Adobby.
Why does Neville need three seats on a bus?
He has a Longbottom.
There was once a terribly misbehaving student at Hogwarts. His name was Eearmus. He wouldn’t finish his homework or practice any of his incantations. The teachers were getting really impatient with Eearmus.
One day, Eearmus was extra mischievous and decided to play a prank on Professor Snape.
Professor Snape was livid with Eearmus and took him to the headmaster’s office immediately.
“You’ve really done it this time Eearmus! The headmaster will not show you any more kindness.” Said Professor Snape as he hurried Eearmus down the hall to Dumbledore’s office.
“What do you think we should do about Eearmus’s behavior, professor?” asked Dumbledore.
Without hesitation, Professor Snape screamed “EXPEL EEARMUS!”
What does a Voldemort Cosplay party look like?
Nobody nose.
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick.
He was a very poorly executed character.
What is Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?
Diagonally.
Yo mama so fat when she walked past TV, I missed three parts of Harry Potter.
How much does it cost to watch Harry Potter play his favorite sport?
A quid each.
Why was Snape so upset when Lily Potter was wrongfully terminated?
She was never able to receive her Severus package.
Why is Voldemort so good with computers?
He’s fluent in Python.
My girlfriend got upset when we watched all the Harry Potter films back to back.
Apparently, she wanted to be the one facing the TV screen.
Hermione’s son: “Mum, you’re a witch!”
Hermione: “Emma Watson?”
Why didn’t Trelawney become an art teacher after Hogwarts?
Nobody took her seriously after she said she taught lavender brown.
A muggle walks up to a wizard.
And says “Holy crap, you’re Harry Potter!!”
The wizard replies, “No, but you’re close. I’m Harry Potter’s godfather”
“Haha, nice try Harry Potter. I know it’s you.” Says the muggle.
“No, I’m Sirius!”
Reading the Harry Potter series is a lot like growing up and aging.
As time passes, you get a lot more Harry and Sirius and Moody.
I met a girl who was a solid 10 but she hated Harry Potter.
Now she is a 9¾.
How do you get to the part of Hogwarts that Harry Potter grew up in?
Through the Griffin door.
Yo mama so fat, the Sorting Hat put her in all four houses.
What if Harry Potter was made in Bengali?
Ron would never understand if he is being called or instructed to run.
Harry Potter walks into a bar.
Because I put them on his bedroom window.
Why is Voldemort like a teenage girl?
He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy.
How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut?
Diagon alley.
What was the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter?
A ginger actually had 2 friends.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
If you don’t like Harry Potter jokes,
Something is Siriusly Ron with you.
How does Harry Potter get down a hill?
Walking.
j/k…rolling.
Rupert Grint bursts into the room, “Mum, I just got a part in the Harry Potter movie!”
“Serious?”
“No, Ron.”
How do you get Draco Malfoy onto a bus?
it is pretty easy actually, just give him a little nudge and he’ll slither in.
Why is Mad-Eye Moody such a bad teacher?
Because he can’t control his pupils.
They threw a young Dursley at me.
It was an assault with a Dudley Weapon.
A blind wizard walks into a bar, finds his way to a stool, and sits down.
He says rather loudly to the barkeep, “Hey, how would you like to hear a Hufflepuff joke?”
The bar goes silent and the barkeep replies, “Sir, I will not lie to you, you are speaking to a Hufflepuff, the man behind you is an Auror from Hufflepuff, the woman to your right is a Hufflepuff dueling champion and we all have our wands drawn. Do you really want to continue?” The blind wizard goes silent for a moment before curtly replying, “No I don’t. Not if I’m going to have to explain it 3 times.”
What do you call Hermione living in the desert?
Sandwich.
Wormtail: “Master, can you really rise again?”
Voldemort: “Certainly, but you may need to give me a hand…”
What was Hermione’s name when Polyjuice potion turned her into a cat?
Her-meow-ne.
Yo mama so fat, her wand is a Slim Jim.
Harry Potter wakes up in hospital.
“Welcome back. You’ve been in a coma for 8 years” says the doctor. “You ran face first into a wall lmao…”
What did Voldemort say to Peter Pettigrew when they went bowling?
“Kill the spare.”
Ron: “Harry, come quick! Dumbledore’s been in some sort of accident!”
Harry: “Oh my god! Was it serious?”
Ron: “No. it was Snape.”
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm.
“You’re a blizzard, Harry!”
What did Harry Potter say filling up his car?
“Expensive Petroleum!”
Which sound system technology do the Malfoys use?
Dobby Atmos.
Remus Lupin was interviewing for a job at Hogwarts.
And Professor Dumbledore said to him, “You realize, Remus, on nights when there is a full moon, we’re going to have to chain you up and keep you out of public view.”
Lupin replied, “Yes, I’m a were.”
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn’t want to elect ron.
Yo mama so ugly, she walked into Gringott’s and they gave her a job application.
Why aren’t there any guns in Harry Potter?
Because Hogwarts is in England not America.
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30’s,
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
What was Harry Potter’s deodorant called?
Ex-smelly armpits!
Seamus named his first three children all Finn. What did he call the fourth?
Finn again.
Hermione takes a job at a park.
Hermione Ranger.
Voldemort: “Knock Knock!”
Harry Potter: “Who’s there?”
Voldemort: “You know.”
Harry Potter: “You know who?”
Voldemort: “Exactly!”
What do the police say when you call to report a dementor?
“EXPECT A PATROLMAN!”
The Great Hall from Harry Potter is so massive it can fit 4 houses in it.
I finally read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.
I know it’s only 6 words, but I’m proud of myself.
Why did Barty Crouch Jr. stop drinking?
It was making him Moody.
Yo mama so stanky, even Dobby won’t take one of her socks.
Why was Harry Potter surprised when Ferrari won the F1 race?
Because he expecto’d Petronas.
If Snape from Harry Potter worked in IT he would be Server-us Snape…..
I’ve started a Harry Potter-themed food blog.
Fantastic Feasts and Where to Find Them.
What’s the best Harry Potter riddle?
Tom.
What does Emma Watson put on her sandwiches?
Her mionnnaise.
What did Ron Weasley say when Hermione performed a leg locker curse on him?
“Er, my knee!”
How does Harry Potter use the Obliviate spell on a New Yorker?
He points his wand and says “Fuggetaboutit!”
Harry Potter, for a magical creatures lesson, had the assignment of looking after a magical gecko.
He took great care of it and was graded “A” for nurturing the pet so well. However, shortly after receiving the grade for his assignment, the gecko escaped and went missing.
Harry was understandably upset about this, and a couple of weeks of searching went by to no avail.
Then one day Hagrid comes running up to Harry, holding what looks like a portable cage with a scaly-looking animal inside.
“What’s this?” An excited-looking Potter asks.
“Your A lizard, Harry.”
What did Voldemort say about his misproportioned lasagna?
“ALOTTA RICOTTA!”
Hagrid: “You’re a unit of power, Harry.”
Harry: “I’m a watt?”
Dairy Queen should have had a Harry Potter promotion.
You’re a blizzard Dairy.
Harry Potter went to his local gym. How did he get to the dumbbell room?
He went through the dumbbell door.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
Yo mama so old, she used to babysit Dumbledore.
What does Harry Potter and your Soulmate have in common?
They’re both fictional Characters.
My favorite part about the Harry Potter movies…
…is the casting.
Voldemort goes and knocks on Snape’s door.
“Who is it?”
Voldemort: “THE DARK LORD!!”
Snape: “Sauron?”
Voldemort: “No no, the other one”
Snape: “Vader?”
Voldemort, irritated, thunders: “THE ONE YOU FEAR THE MOST!!”
Snape, confused: “Hermione?”
What’s my rating from 1 to 10 for Harry Potter?
Nine and three quarters.
It makes sense why Emma Watson is in both Beauty and the Beast and Harry Potter.
Both of the main characters are harry.
What language do UPS men at Hogwarts speak?
Parcel-tongue.
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born the doctor screamed “RIDDIKULUS!!”
What kind of hairpiece does Harry Potter wear?
A hedwig.
Why did Voldemort call Domino’s for delivery?
Because Harry Potter had a pizza his soul.
What does a confused student at Hogwarts study?
Which craft?!
Where do pigs go to school?
They go to HOGwarts.
I went to the cinema to watch “Harry Potter…
And I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits, and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end, I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed.
He replied, “So am I. He hated the book.”
The doctor told Harry Potter to drink 2L of Water a Day, but Harry didn’t listen.
Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone.
What does Harry Potter play with when he’s bored?
Ginny Weasley’s emotions.
What is Harry Potter’s favorite new app?
Spellcheck.
Yo mama so fat, when she looks in the mirror of Erised, she sees a ham.
HBO is reportedly planning on a new TV series based on Hermione from Harry Potter.
It’s called Granger Things.
As a Harry Potter fan, I dream of going to Hogwarts.
My friend is a Narnia fan, and he’s always wanted to go to Narnia.
My other friend is a Hunger Games fan, but he’s good.
Where did Voldemort write down all his feelings and thoughts?
In his die-harry.
Why did Hermione marry Ron?
Because he was a Keeper.
Why couldn’t Harry Potter feel the magic?
Because he was having a dry spell.
What would you get if Harry Potter tried to kill Darth Vader?
A Vader Cadaver.
All the Harry Potter movies should have been rated R.
Too much cursing.
Yo mama so fat, she got stuck in the FLoo Network.
What anti-irritant cream does Harry Potter use?
Quittitch.
Why did Draco Malfoy’s funeral service take place outside?
Because he hated grief indoors.
What does Harry Potter order at Starbucks?
Espresso patronum!
Did you hear Harry Potter became a sous-chef?
Now he’s a sauceror.
Who wrote the Harry Potter parody?
JK Lolling.
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door.
Why does Voldemort from Harry Potter prefer Twitter to Facebook?
Because he only has followers, not friends.
What if Harry Potter actually stabbed Voldemort in the end?
Would he be known as The Boy Who Shiv’ed?!
Did you hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?
He couldn’t spell.
Yo mama’s scream could kill a Mandrake.
Why did Harry Potter put a wrist strap on his wand?
Because he’s a wii-zard.
Why does Harry Potter only shop at Target?
Because he hates Waldemart.
What do you call a shaggy gardener?
Harry Potter.
What do you call Lord Voldemort?
You don’t.
What was Daniel Radcliffe’s nickname when he picked up dueling with flaming swords?
Parry Hotter.
Why didn’t Gandalf get hired at Hogwarts?
He kept telling the students,, “Thou shalt not pass.”
Recommended: Lord Of The Rings Jokes
Why doesn’t Hermione keep her money at Gringotts?
Offshore investment gains a better return.
It turns out Harry Potter flunked out of one class at Hogwarts.
He couldn’t spell.
Yo mama so fat, they’re gonna split the movie about her into two parts.
How does a Harry Potter fan let you know you don’t have to pay for weed?
Doobie is free!
There’s a new movie, about Harry Potter’s garden.
“Fantastic Beets and Where to Find Them!”
Which Harry Potter character is a Neckbeard’s favorite?
Nym(fedora) Tonks.
What do you call the Mental Health class at Hogwarts?
Defence against the Dark Thoughts.
Gotta admire Voldemort’s work on Horcruxes.
He really put his soul into it.
How do you get a snake into Hogwarts?
You tell it to slither in.
How do Hogwarts students keep their breath fresh?
Enchant mints.
What did the neckbeard wizard use to find his way around Hogwarts?
M’rauders Map.
What is Draco Malfoy’s favorite element?
Pottah-sium.
What do you call a crossover between Harry Potter and Star Wars?
Scar Wars.
Do you have a funny Harry Potter Joke? Write down your best ones in the comment section below!
