Lawyers are the masters of fine print and legal jargon. They can turn a simple “yes” or “no” into a two-hour debate with multiple clauses. Whether they’re defending a client or arguing over a parking ticket, lawyers have a way of making even the most boring contract sound like a thrilling courtroom drama. No wonder lawyer jokes are so popular, there’s just too much comic potential in all that seriousness.
That’s the thing about lawyer jokes, they poke fun at the legal world’s obsession with words, rules, and loopholes. From exaggerating courtroom antics to highlighting their love for billing by the minute, these jokes capture the humor in an otherwise buttoned-up profession. After all, when someone can charge you for blinking twice, they’re practically begging to be the star of a punchline.
Best Lawyer Jokes
What is the difference between a good and bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer might drag your case for years. A good lawyer will drag your case for years.
A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room.
He says to the police officer, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
“You are the lawyer,” says the policeman.
“Exactly, so where’s my present?”
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet under?
Because deep down they’re really good people.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
A lawyer, a comedian, and a war hero walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law.
A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads “GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.”
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth.”
Lawyer: “Ugh. this is kerosene.”
Chinese: “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20.”
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.
Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”
Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”
Chinese: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”
The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all.”
Chinese: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”
Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $20, not $100!”
Chinese: “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20.”
A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.
St. Peter looks up, does a double take, and asks, “Are you lost?”
Why can’t deaf people be lawyers?
They can’t join the hearing.
It’s true women do make less money than men.
But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctors or lawyers. Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctors and women lawyers.
What starts with M, ends with E, and can bring two people eternal happiness?
Me… I’m a divorce lawyer.
What do you do when a lawyer gets shot in the arm?
You apply an attorney-quet.
An engineer dies and goes to hell.
He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up? The Devil says, “Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.” “What?” says God. “An engineer? I didn’t send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.”
The Devil responds, “No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.” God demands, “If you don’t send him to me immediately, I’ll sue!”
The Devil laughs. “Where are you going to get a lawyer?”
Recommended: Adult lawyer Jokes
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Yo mama so dumb, she thought a lawsuit was what lawyers wear to court.
A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves.”
The guy sitting next to him says, “Whoa, easy there buddy.”
The drunk says, “Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m a thief,” says the guy.
Do you know why a vampire will never suck a lawyer’s blood?
Professional courtesy.
A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery.
He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
What does a lawyer cat do when it hates you?
It purr-sues you.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million.
The bookkeeper is deaf, which is why he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and, therefore, could never testify in court.
When the Godfather confronts Guido about the missing money, he brings along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is.”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s temple, and says, “Ask him again!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido quickly signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
What is the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.
What is the lawyer’s favorite drink?
Subpoena colada.
Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks.
They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.
The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “Listen, you’re not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners from the law firm.
What do you call a divorce lawyer’s file cabinet?
The Ex Files.
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one woman, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor woman replied. “We have to eat grass.”
“Well then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a husband and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor woman, he said, “You come with us too.”
The second woman, in a pitiful voice, said, “But sir, I also have a husband and SIX children with me!”
“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all squeezed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!”
Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.
Well luckily for me my future self won’t be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.
What do you call a sculpture of a lawyer in a wheelchair?
Statue of limitations
A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.
The officer asks the lawyer “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“I haven’t the foggiest idea,” said the lawyer.
The officer replied, “You didn’t make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down.”
The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, “If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I’ll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?”
The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. “Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?”
Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, “Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?”
How do lawyers move their legs?
A-turn-knee.
A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, “You know, I’m a lawyer.”
“Honest?” the woman asks.
“No, no. Just the regular kind,” he replied.
Two lawyers were arguing with each other as they made their way towards a colony.
They eventually stopped bickering with each other upon reaching a settlement.
A priest, a lawyer, and an engineer are to be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.
The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
The engineer places his head under the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem…”
Why are there no Irish lawyers?
They can’t pass the bar.
Why did U2’s lawyer refuse to bill them?
Because he worked pro-Bono.
A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.
The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer thought about it for a minute and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the volunteer mumbled, “Um… No.”
“Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken volunteer began to stammer out an apology, but was cut off.
“Third, that my sister’s husband died in a horrific traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!” The humiliated volunteer, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “… And I don’t give them any goddamn money, so why should I give any to you?!?”
What do you call an online lawyer?
E-legal.
“Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?”
“I don’t think so, son. Why do you ask?”
“Because that headstone over there says, ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”
After my grandfather died, his lawyer told us that all his assets were Frozen.
Why he bought hundreds of DVDs of that movie, no one knows.
A lawyer goes to heaven.
St Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks, “Are you sure it is my time? I’m not that old?”
St Peter says, “What do you mean? You’re 86 years old.”
The lawyer says, “No I’m not…I’m only 58. Why do you think I’m 86?”
St Peter says, “Well, we just added up all of the hours you’ve billed to your clients.”
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
What do you call a bunch of lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.
The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.
Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”
Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”
His brother apologized.
“…and they didn’t include the phone number!”
What’s a quality you look for in a good lawyer?
Lie-ability.
What’s a lawyer’s favorite food?
Sue-shi.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn.” She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
What do a lawyer and a recovering alcoholic both do?
Pass the bar.
Did you hear about the man who was bitten by a radioactive lawyer?
Now he has the power of attorney.
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, “Just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox.” The doctor decides he’ll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend.
When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
A lawyer walks into a bar.
He retakes it.
What did the French trademark lawyer say to his wife?
Je™
A small-town lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial, an 80-year-old woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Singh, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Kulkarni. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Singh, do you know the defense lawyer?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Gupta since he was a youngster too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge called both lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits!
How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?
Attorney-kit.
A lawyer calls up a plumber to come out to his house.
The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.
The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, “Well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair”
The lawyer smirks and says, “Two hours? For $800? That’s $400 per hour! I’m a lawyer and my hourly rate is $350 / hour!”
The plumber nods and says, “Yes, sir, I understand. Why is it you think I gave up my law practice?”
What do you call 100 lawyers skydiving?
Skeet.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t workout? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?!!!!!!!
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four: One to climb the ladder, one to hold the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.
A man enters a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer, “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”
The lawyer responds, “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”
The man replies, “That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”
What did the lawyer say to the dentist?
“Do you promise to take the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?”
Two men are meeting on the street.
“It was very cold this morning”
“How cold was it?”
“I don’t exactly know, but I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.”
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn’t have enough human DNA.
A rich man dies and his three sons inherit his estate.
One’s a doctor, one’s a lawyer, and one’s a priest. His dying request to the three of them is that, to show their gratitude for all the money he’s leaving them, he wants each to take out $10,000 and put it in his coffin. The day of the funeral comes, and each of the sons dutifully puts a paper bag in the old man’s casket.
They meet up for a drink later. The priest shamefacedly confesses: “I couldn’t sleep a wink last night, thinking of all the good our church could do with $10,000. Finally I decided to just put some wadded-up newspaper in there. Surely dad would understand!”
The doctor sighs in relief. “I’m so glad you said that! I couldn’t stop thinking about the life-saving equipment our hospital could buy for $10,000, so I also just put some newspaper in the bag. He’ll never know the difference.”
The lawyer wipes his mouth and frowns. “I’m ashamed of you both. Really, I can’t believe you guys! It was dad’s last request!”
“So, you actually put the money in?”
“Of course! My bag contained my personal check for $10,000!”
What do you call a chef who’s also a lawyer?
A sous chef.
What do lawyers snack on when working on big cases?
Trial mix.
A man and a woman meet in heaven and fall in love.
They walk up to God and ask to be married.
God says give me some time and I’ll get back to you.
Three or four years pass and God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.
A few more years pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask for a divorce.
God responds, “It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
The jury’s out on that one.
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny!
Judge: Stuck in a penny?
Lawyer: Yes, he’s in a cent!
Our lawyer finally got rid of that stupid crow we hired that kept squawking at our employees at work.
He was fired for caws.
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.
“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
What do you call a crucified lawyer?
Mike Ross.
A lawyer and a politician walk into a bar.
Well, not really. The lawyer passed it, and the politician lowered it.
A judge calls the opposing council into his chambers and says, “Gentlemen, I’ve called you here to discuss a very serious matter. Both of you have given me bribes to influence my decision”.
The lawyers begin to squirm in their seats.
“Mr. Morgenstern, you have given me $40,000 to rule in your favor, and Mr. Atkinson, you have given me $50,000 to rule for you”.
He hands Atkinson $10,000 in cash and says, “Now that you are both even, I intend to decide the case purely on its merits”.
What did the picture tell the lawyer?
“Help! I’ve been framed.”
How do lawyers say goodbye?
We’ll be suing ya.
A woman says to her lawyer, “I want to divorce my husband.”
“On what grounds?”
“Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.”
“No, that’s not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”
“Yes, we have a two-car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.”
(getting exasperated) “Does he beat you up?”
“No, I’m up by 6:30 and sometimes he doesn’t get up until after I’ve left for work.”
“WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”
“We just can’t seem to communicate.”
What are the most unfulfilling jobs in America?
Lawyer and Doctor. They never let you do your job for real, only practice it.
Why was the lawyer broke?
She kept giving away free trials.
A crow was arrested and put behind bars.
His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him. “How bad is it?” The crow asked.
“Pretty bad.” The lawyer bird replied. “They had a warrant to go through your phone.”
“So what?” The crow said. “I’ve got nothing to hide.”
“They found the texts to your friends.” The lawyer bird said.
“So now it’s a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang?” The crow exclaimed. “They were all to busy anyway”
“You’re lucky they were.” The lawyer bird replied, “They’ve got you on attempted murder!”
Why did the angry lawyer go to an ear doctor?
He had a bad hearing.
What do you call 1000 Australian lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?
The great barrister reef…
A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient.
“When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?” asked the lawyer.
“I didn’t”, said the doctor.
“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” said the lawyer.
“No, I did not,” the doctor said.
“So in other words”, the lawyer said, “When you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead.”
“Well, let me put it this way,” said the doctor. “At that point, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could’ve been out practicing law somewhere!”
What does a lawyer do when he forgets to plug in his phone at night?
He charges it with battery.
What kind of lawyer lives in the swamp?
A litigator.
A lawyer and an engineer were on a cruise.
The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down. All my possessions were destroyed in the fire, but the insurance company paid for everything.”
The engineer replied, “That’s funny. I’m here because my house and everything I own was destroyed in a flood, and the insurance paid for everything.”
The lawyer paused for a second, confused, then said, “How do you start a flood?”
What do you call a lawyer’s pro bono case?
A free trial!
What profession commits the most crimes?
Lawyers.
A lawyer receives the court’s judgment in a case he is fighting: it is a clear victory for his client.
He texts the client: “Justice has been done!”
The client texts back: “Ask for permission to appeal, NOW.”
Where do lawyers eat when they go shopping?
The food court.
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What is a lawyer’s favorite dessert?
Tirama-sue.
What do you call a competition between lawyers?
A tourney.
What do you call an A student in Law School?
Professor.
What do you call a C student?
Your Honor.
What’s the difference between accountants and lawyers?
Accountants know they’re boring.
A lawyer dropped his phone but it didn’t break.
He had the perfect case.
What do lawyers use to argue?
Lawgic.
What is a lawyer’s favorite animal?
A TORToise!
Do you have a funny Lawyer Joke? Write down your best ones in the comment section below!
