The Federal Bureau of Investigation, commonly known as the FBI, is the primary federal law enforcement agency in the United States. Sporting those sleek black suits and forever oozing a “don’t mess with me” vibe, they tackle everything from cybercrime to terrorism. Their well-known motto “Fidelity, Bravery, Integrity” paints them as steadfast guardians of justice. But behind those dark sunglasses and serious expressions, one can’t help but wonder if they crack a smile every once in a while. After all, even the mighty G-men have to let off steam.
Enter the realm of FBI jokes: where top-level secrecy meets top-tier hilarity. These puns play on the stereotypes of the Bureau – their all-seeing prowess, the omnipresence, and of course, their knack for showing up exactly when you least expect them. Ever thought about covering your webcam and, in the same breath, joking that the FBI agent assigned to you will miss watching your daily antics? Well, that’s the flavor of jest we’re dipping into. These jokes serve as a light-hearted reminder that while the FBI is out there keeping things in check, it doesn’t mean we can’t have a chuckle at their expense, all in good fun, of course! Just remember, if you’re reading this, they probably are too!
Best FBI Jokes
Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with “KGB” on it.
One of the agents asks the other, “Why didn’t they just write ‘1 TB’ instead?”
What do you call a barbeque for the FBI?
Why did the FBI search Santa’s workshop?
They had probable Claus.
According to FBI, the number of serial killers is decreasing every year.
Thanks to those damn lazy millennials who can’t commit to a single thing.
What do you call it when the FBI and DEA do a marijuana bust together?
A joint operation.
A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder. He argued that there was no way he could have done it, as he was in vacation in Prague for the week of the killing. The FBI took note of his travel records and let him go; his alibi czeched out.
What do you find on an FBI toilet?
“Hello, is this the anonymous FBI tip line?”
What’s the difference between the FBI and the ClA?
It’s a difference of acronyms, you see. One killed MLK, while the other killed JFK.
Why do FBI agents always wear sunglasses?
To protect their FB-eyes.
What did the Russian spy fall in love with an FBI director for?
An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.” The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life, and close behind is the rancher’s bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs, “Your badge! Show him your badge!”
How do you protect your home?
You put up an Al Qaida flag, then you will have the Nsa, CIA, and FBI watching you.
The FBI is interviewing a bank manager who’s been robbed three times by the same guy.
The agent says, “Did you notice anything distinct about him when he came into the bank?”
The manager replies, “Only that each time he showed up, he was much better dressed.”
What do the FBI and MS Paint have in common?
They don’t support transparency.
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, kill her!” The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.”
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. “Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks,” he said. “I had to strangle her to death.”
How do you hide a million dollars from the FBI?
Give it to the CIA, those two don’t share anything.
FBI, CIA, DEA which is best at finding people?
Why did the FBI arrest the introvert?
He didn’t want to open up.
An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.
‘Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me if you weren’t in prison. Love, Dad.’
Shortly, the old man received this telegram: ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot. That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened and asked him what to do next.
His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’
What do you call a delivery girl who dated an FBI agent?
A Fed Ex.
The FBI found a hacker’s base of operations and broke in, but he was nowhere to be seen.
Agent 1: Where did he go?
Agent 2: I don’t know, he ransomware.
How are Spouses a lot like FBI agents?
They won’t ask you a question that they do not already know the answer to.
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.
In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple:
“Who is it?” “It’s Mark” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring Mark?” “Marijuana from Colombia” “Very well son, come in.”
Another soft knock is heard. “Who is it?” “It’s Matthew” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring Matthew?” “Cocaine from Bolivia” “Very well son, come in.”
At the next knock, Jesus asks, “Who is it?” “It’s John” Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring John?” “Crack from New York” “Very well son, come in.”
Someone starts pounding on the door. “Who is it?” “It’s Judas”
Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring Judas?” “FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!”
What happens when the FBI goes to bed?
They go undercover.
The wife found a $5 bill in the washing machine.
Husband: I’m going to have to call the FBI.
Husband: Because you’ve been laundering money.
Why did the one FBI agent say to the other?
[This line has been removed for security reasons.]
The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming, “Okay, okay! I’m a RABBIT!! I’m a RABBIT!!”
What is an example of a Facebook paradox?
Discovering one of their user’s is trying to build a bomb and having to decide between reporting him to the FBI or serving him ads for digital timers.
Two male FBI agents went to dinner and a movie.
It was a federal man date.
The FBI was shocked to uncover the inspirations of the train collecting serial killer.
He had loco-motives.
Bubba was not a smart man by any stretch of the imagination, but he very much wanted to work for the FBI. He took a trip up to Washington to take the admissions test, and after the test was scored, the agent in charge pulled Bubba aside.
He said, “Son, this may well be the worst I’ve ever seen anyone do on this test. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t look to me like you know a thing about criminology or history, which are critical to this line of work. You didn’t even spell FBI correctly! I mean, can you even tell me who killed Abraham Lincoln?” Bubba thought for a moment, then shook his head. The agent continued, “All right do this. Go home, study, and if you come back up here and can tell me who killed Abraham Lincoln, I’ll let you take the test again.” Bubba agreed and took his return flight home.
When his friends asked, “How’d the FBI test go?” Bubba said “It went great! I’ve only been with the agency 12 hours and they’ve already got me on a murder case!”
Did you hear about the psychic midget who is wanted by the FBI?
She’s a small medium at large.
A bumble bee applied to the FBI.
He had plenty of experience as an agent, but in the interview, he was very nervous and gave evasive answers.
He wasn’t hired because they thought he was a cagey bee agent.
What kind of cereal do FBI agents eat?
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school. There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he’d carved “I love you, Sally”. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picked it up, but they didn’t know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money – it was $50,000! The husband said: “We’ve got to give it back.” She said, “Finders keepers” and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home. One knocked on the door and said: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” She said: “No.” The husband said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” She said, “Don’t believe him, he is getting senile” but the agents sat the man down and began to question him. One said, “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man said, “Well when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…” At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
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Why did the FBI investigate the duck?
He was a known quack dealer.
Did you hear about the FBI agent who started his own raincoat company?
It was called the ‘Wetness Protection Program’.
Why did the Russian spy hate the FBI agent?
He kept bugging him.
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.
Everywhere he saw pieces of evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull’s-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. “This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen,” said the FBI man. “How in the world do you do it?”
“Nothing to it,” said the idiot. “I shoot first and draw the circles afterward.”
What are security officers called at a trampoline park?
Why do janitors make great FBI agents?
They’re great at sweeping the perimeter.
What would a huge FBI scandal be called?
Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that, though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane. Only this time there were two people on the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is on the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”
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Why did Arnold get fired from his new FBI job?
Because Arnold Swatsenegger.
Why should you never accept flowers from the government?
They could be a plant from the FBI.
Why was Stevie Wonder assassinated by the FBI?
He had seen too much.
An FBI statistician gave some advice to a person traveling in a plane for the first time.
The man asked him, “I’m flying next week. Do you have any tips on how to lower my chances of being blown up by a bomb smuggled onboard by a terrorist?”
The statistician chewed that one over for a while, then answered, “Yes. Smuggle a bomb onboard yourself. I’ve never seen a case where two separate bombs were on the same plane, so the odds of a terrorist smuggling a second bomb onboard are very low.”
What do you call an autistic person in the FBI?
A special agent.
How is an FBI interrogation like oral sex?
One slip of your tongue and you’ll wind up in shit.
Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia.
Turns out, the conference was really long and really boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.
They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women came up and started flirting with them. “Privet you big strong men, would you care to go to our flat after you’re done there?” asked one of the women, and whether because of their drinks or the women were just that hot–probably both–both agents agreed.
They had vague recollections of entering these women’s flat for a good time, but aside from that, probably because the drinks were spiked, the next thing the agents knew they woke up in hospital beds, with rather thick bandages over their nether regions.
Things only got worse when the agents got back to America, where their boss informed them that the classified info that had been entrusted to them had somehow been discovered, and subsequently leaked on the Internet. So the agents were forced to attend a press conference about the situation. A reporter grilled the agent at the podium, “How did this happen?!”
The agent threw up his hands and admitted, “The Russians hacked our erections.”
Jeffery Epstein prank calls the FBI and asks, “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?”
When they say ‘no’, he says, “Well I’ve got some pictures if you want to put him there.”
Why did the FBI arrest the missile when it tried to access the dark web?
Because it was a tor-pedo.
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Why was the FBI argent happy after he visited a glory hole?
Because he received an anonymous tip.
Who is the second most porn-addicted person in the world?
Why did the FBI arrest a man for masturbating on an Airplane toilet?
They accused him of High Jacking.
How did the FBI find out that Jeffrey Dahmer was eating pizza with body parts on them?
They found a Dahmernose Pizza box in his house.
A man got arrested by the FBI for having sex with a pirate.
Apparently, it is illegal to engage in PIRUSSY.
What did the police officer say to the prostitute?
“FBI open up!”
Do you have a funny FBI joke? Write down your own FBI puns in the comment section below!