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What is the Golf ball and hose joke?
Doug was a single guy. He had a good job, he was fun to be around, and wasn't bad looking. He was in his early 30's and never married. He went through girlfriend after girlfriend and always seemed to break up with every girl at about the three week mark in the relationship. One evening Doug was at hRead more
Doug was a single guy. He had a good job, he was fun to be around, and wasn’t bad looking. He was in his early 30’s and never married. He went through girlfriend after girlfriend and always seemed to break up with every girl at about the three week mark in the relationship.
One evening Doug was at his local bar and the the bartender asks him why he breaks up with every girlfriend at the end of the third week. Doug says “well I just won’t marry a woman unless she can suck a golf ball through a garden hose. I know it’s a high standard, but I promised myself that I wouldn’t accept anything less than that one trait in a woman.”
A few years go by and a few dozen girlfriends later the bartender hasn’t seen Doug in the bar for a while. He asks around and none of the guys he hangs out with had seen him for a couple of months. Then the local doctor walks in and the bartender worried about Doug asks if he knew anything about where he was. The doctor says “Some girl sucked Doug’s testicles through his pee-hole……The wedding is set for june”.
See lessWhat does a nosey pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business!
It gets jalapeño business!
See lessWhat kind of music do cows listen to?
MOOOOOsic.
MOOOOOsic.
See lessWhat's your best Reese Witherspoon joke?
If Reese Witherspoon married Bill Withers. She'd have to give up the poon.
If Reese Witherspoon married Bill Withers.
See lessShe’d have to give up the poon.
What's your best matter baby joke?
"Would you rather eat 100 bricks or a matter baby?" "What's a matter baby?" "Nothing, I'm fine sweetie. How are you?"
“Would you rather eat 100 bricks or a matter baby?”
See less“What’s a matter baby?”
“Nothing, I’m fine sweetie. How are you?”
What joke caused the death of Athenian philosopher Chrysippus?
The ancient philosopher Chrysippus, a major figure in Stoic philosophy, reportedly died of laughter after observing a donkey eating figs. The story goes that Chrysippus got the donkey drunk on wine, then, seeing the donkey trying to eat figs, he cried out, "Now give the donkey a pure wine to wash doRead more
The ancient philosopher Chrysippus, a major figure in Stoic philosophy, reportedly died of laughter after observing a donkey eating figs. The story goes that Chrysippus got the donkey drunk on wine, then, seeing the donkey trying to eat figs, he cried out, “Now give the donkey a pure wine to wash down the figs!” and then started laughing so hard that he died.
See lessWhere do fruits go on vacation?
Pear-is.
Pear-is.
See lessWhat has three letters and starts with gas?
A car.
A car.
See lessWhy is Italy shaped like a boot?
Because there's no way that amount of shit can fit into a normal shoe.
Because there’s no way that amount of shit can fit into a normal shoe.
See lessWhat is the Pink Ping Pong Balls Joke?
There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him, "My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birRead more
There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy’s birthday. His father asked him,
See less“My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?”
His son replied.
“Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball.”
His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could’ve chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.
“My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?”
“Okay son, go ahead.”
The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.
On the boy’s next birthday, his father asked him again.
“My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?”
His son replied.
“Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls.”
His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.
“My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?”
The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.
On the boy’s next birthday, his father asked him again.
“My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?”
“Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls.”
Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.
“My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want a truck full of pink ping pong balls?”
His son replied.
“My father. Please humor me for a while longer. I will tell you when the time is right.”
His father agreed and ordered a truck full of pink ping pong balls. The boy said.
“My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go into the truck and spend the night playing with the pink ping pong balls?”
The father agreed and the boy spent the night in the truck. When the father went back to check on him in the morning, all the pink ping pong balls were gone, and only the boy was left, sleeping in the back of the truck.
The day before the boy’s next birthday, his father asked him again.
“My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?”
“Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one oil tanker full of ping pong balls.”
The father was very confused by this and had to ask again.
“My son can you tell me why you want these pink ping pong balls?”
His son replied, “My father. Please humor me for a while longer. I will tell you when the time is right.”
His father once again, agreed and bought all the ping pong ball factories in the world and made the workers work overtime to produce all the pink ping pong balls needed. He also bought an oil tanker and a pump, a crane and a dump truck to get all the ping pong balls in overnight. On his birthday, his father gave him the oil tanker full of pink ping pong balls. The boy said.
“My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go into the oil tanker and spend the night playing with the pink ping pong balls?”
Now the father had expected this and had made sure the oil tanker was completely safe for the boy’s use. He agreed and the boy went into the oil tanker for the night. The next morning, when the father went to check, all he found was his son sleeping in the ship with all the pink pong balls gone without a trace.
Now, a few days before his next birthday, the boy got into a huge car accident and was on the verge of death. His father asked him.
“My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?”
The boy replied with a choked voice, obviously forcing himself to speak despite the pain.
“My father… It would make me the happiest… boy in the world… if you could get me one… pink… ping pong ball…”
His father replied, “My son. This may be the last time I ever speak to you. Will you please tell me why you wanted all the pink ping pong balls?”
“Alright father. Come closer.”
His father nodded, bringing his face up close to his son’s. The son’s voice was getting weak by this point, coughing in between breaths. Still, he brought up the strength for one final sentence.
“The reason I wanted all the pink ping pong balls is-”
And then he died.