75 Funny As Useful As Jokes And Sayings

“As Useful As” sayings are a delightful part of English idiom, often used to humorously describe something or someone’s usefulness—or, more accurately, lack thereof. These phrases typically compare the utility of a person or object to something universally recognized as unhelpful or irrelevant in a particular situation. For example, “as useful as a chocolate teapot” suggests something is not just unhelpful, but absurdly so in a given context. This playful use of language not only adds colour to everyday conversations but also provides a light-hearted way to express frustration or bemusement at life’s less practical aspects.

In the realm of “As Useful As” jokes, the humour escalates by pushing these comparisons to even more playful and ridiculous extremes. These jokes thrive on the creativity of coming up with the most absurdly useless items or scenarios, always trying to outdo the last in terms of impracticality. Imagine someone/something being “as useful as a screen door on a submarine” or “as handy as a back pocket on a shirt” — these humorous exaggerations playfully challenge our imaginations, turning the mundane into a source of laughter and entertainment.

Best As Useful As Jokes

1. You’re about as useful as a grave robber in a crematorium.
2. You’re about as useful as a hog roast at a bar mitzvah.
3. You’re about as useful as saying ‘listen’ in sign language.
4. You’re about as useful as an accordion player on a deer hunt.
5. You’re about as useful as a police sniffer dog with a cold.
6. You’re about as useful as Michael Jackson’s doctor.
7. You’re about as useful as t*ts on a bull.
8. You’re about as useful as a fart in a jacuzzi.
9. You’re about as useful as a pedal-powered wheelchair.
10. You’re about as useful as a whammy bar on a tuba.
11. You’re about as useful as a grave robber in a crematorium.
12. You’re about as useful as a carpet fitters ladder.
13. You’re about as useful as a chocolate teapot.
14. You’re about as useful as an underwater hairdryer.
15. You’re about as useful as t*ts on a nun!
16. You’re about as useful as the number 9 on a microwave.
17. You’re about as useful as a see-through mirror.
18. You’re about as useful as a fork in a sugar bowl.
19. You’re about as useful as a Reggae band at a Klan rally.
20. You’re about as useful as Stephen Hawkins with a flat battery.

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21. You’re about as useful as a glass cricket bat.
22. You’re about as useful as Hitler in a Russian winter.
23. You’re about as useful as rubber nails.
24. You’re about as much use as mudguards on a tortoise.
25. You’re about as useful as a eunuch in a brothel.
26. You’re about as much use as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition.
27. You’re about as useful as a solar-powered torch.
28. You’re about as useful as nipples on a man.
29. You’re about as useful as see-through wrapping paper.
30. You’re about as useful as a handbrake on a canoe.
31. You’re about as useful as a one-armed bricklayer in Palestine.
32. You’re about as useful as Captain Hook at a Gynecologist convention.
33. You’re about as useful as waterproof teabags.
34. You’re about as useful as an ejector seat in a helicopter.
35. You’re about as useful as shaving foam to a Wookiee.
36. You’re about as useful as a Durex machine in the Vatican.
37. You’re about as useful as a wooden frying pan.
38. You’re about as useful as a boner at a daycare
39. You’re about as useful as a trapdoor in a lifeboat.
40. You’re about as useful as Anne Frank’s drum kit.
41. You’re about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat’s a**.
42. You’re about as much use as an inflatable dartboard.
43. You’re about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike.
44. You’re about as useful as a cock-flavoured lollipop!
45. You’re about as much use as lips are on a woodpecker.
46. You’re about as much use as window wipers on a submarine.
47. You’re about as useful as a concrete parachute.
48. You’re about as useful as a wet match in a dark cave.
49. You’re about as useful as balls on a d*ldo.
50. You’re about as useful as a stucco bathtub.
51. You’re about as useful as a fart in a colander.
52. You’re about as useful as a case-sensitive search engine.
53. You’re about as useful as a suitcase without a handle.
54. You’re about as useful as the Kardashians.
55. You’re about as useful as driving lessons from Ted Kennedy
56. You’re about as useful as a crocheted condom.
57. You’re about as useful as Hawaii’s emergency management system.
58. You’re about as useful as a marzipan d*ldo.
59. You’re about as useful as Stevie wonder’s reading glasses.
60. You’re about as useful as Hellen Keller’s alarm clock.
61. You’re about as useful as a solar panel in a coffin.
62. You’re about as useful as a soup sandwich.
63. You’re about as useful as tastebuds in an a**hole.
64. You’re about as useful as a porcupine in a balloon factory.
65. You’re about as useful as Italy as an ally during ww2.
66. You’re about as useful as the pope’s p*cker.
67. You’re about as useful as Slippy from Star Fox.
68. You’re about as useful as a priest giving marriage advice.
69. You’re about as useful as a Mormon bartender.
70. You’re about as useful as an Open bar at an AA meeting.

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71. You’re about as useful as Stephen Hawking’s treadmill.
72. You’re about as useful as Corn rows on Rapunzel.
73. You’re about as useful as a pool table on a sailboat.
74. You’re about as useful as a blonde on a checkout.
75. You’re about as useful as a Christmas cracker joke.

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